I yawned. “Aye, if only I was not so horribly tired. The fighting two nights ago, taking care of you and Valerie, and then feeding you — I think my strength is low even now that I have fed.”
I sat up again. At the same time, Samuel’s hands trailed down my back. I was painfully aware of how close he was and hated myself for it. I loved Adam … but finally admitted I was indeed attracted to Samuel. Just as he had told me a few days ago.
Samuel trailed a finger down my bare neck. “Are you really that tired, Juliana?”
My breathing quickened. “I am not entirely sure. And please, Samuel, just call me Julia. Juliana was the way Gregory usually addressed me while angry.”
A cloud passed over his eyes. “I’m sorry, Julia. I did not know,” he said.
“It’s all right. I assumed you knew; you seem to know everything else about me.”
After a moment he asked, “Am I making you nervous?” He was stroking my bare skin and had noticed how quick my breathing had become. My skin suddenly seemed extremely sensitive. The first threads of unease stirred in my stomach.
“Aye,” I admitted breathlessly. Samuel climbed to his knees. He circled around to face me. His eyes met mine intently.
I looked away. “I should get to bed.”
Samuel turned my head back to him. “Why the haste?” he asked in a quiet voice. His eyes sparkled with a new glimmering, one I did not recognize and did not understand.
I glanced about nervously. “Samuel,” I said softly, my eyes coming to rest on Valerie, “I do not think —” I started.
Samuel followed my gaze. He shrugged. “Oh. This is not the best place, Julia, I agree. Not with Valerie here, not to mention one of the other beds will be more comfortable than a blanket and a pillow.”
I barely registered the comment. All I knew was the idea of a bed seemed better than the floor where I had slept the day before. Slowly, I nodded and got up. Samuel led me out of the room. Matthew was the only one in sight in the hall. “Do you need something?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, I need you to stay in with Valerie,” Samuel answered and continued down the hall. I followed him, leaving Matthew staring after us in bewilderment.
Samuel led me down the hall and opened a door to another bedroom. I walked in and he followed me inside. There was only one candle in this room, which Samuel lit.
I walked to the bed and collapsed on it. “Oh, soft bed. I’ve already become too accustomed to sleeping on the hard floor,” I muttered, looking up at Samuel as he closed the door. I realized I trusted him more than any other man I had ever known, even Damien or Adam. If he thought he could help me be more comfortable with Adam, surely that must be a good thing. “I accept your help, Samuel,” I whispered.
He walked over and sat down on the bed beside me. He leaned over me and kissed me. He pulled back and I lifted up onto one elbow to look at him. My breath caught. The moment seemed frozen in time.
Samuel murmured something softly in another language. “Cara mia.” It sounded like his native Italian. His arm slid around my waist and he smiled. “Do not be afraid, Julia,” he said softly in English. He lifted me up and trailed kisses down my jaw.
I stiffened as I felt a small stab of alarm, but it faded as I felt the gentleness. “You are going to kill me doing this, Samuel,” I groaned. My body relaxed and my head tilted back without my willing it.
“Nay, Julia. You will not die. At least not yet,” Samuel replied with a small laugh. Before I could answer, he kissed me again, harder this time, his other hand wrapping into my hair. He gently pushed me back onto the bed.
I was shocked by own reactions to him, even as I instinctively wrapped my arms around his waist. He somehow freed one arm and began to caress me tenderly. His touch awoke desire, a feeling I had never before experienced. It was utter pleasure. I reasoned the sensation was so alien to me because I had never felt pleasure while in bed with a man. I had felt terror and pain with my husband, uncertainty with Adam, and a sense of safety when Samuel and I shared a room after I was rescued. But never this.
Some time passed; how much time, I did not know. But suddenly the old fear was back, terrifying and overwhelming. And I could credit it all to Gregory. Instead of embracing Samuel I began to push him away “Samuel, stop!” I gasped, opening my eyes.
I saw confusion enter those light blue eyes, darkening them, repressing the other emotion. That other emotion was not Gregory’s hungry look of total possession and dominance; it was similar, yet gentler. But I did not understand what the emotion was.
“What is the matter, Julia?” he asked, breathing heavily. I noticed then that the shirt I had made him put on was off again.
I pushed him away and sat up. “I cannot. I cannot do this,” I answered, looking around for my own shirt which had also come off at some point. How could I not have noticed when my shirt came off? I grabbed it and slipped it on quickly. “I’m sorry. Please, just stop,” I pleaded, putting a little distance between us. I drew up my legs and stared at him, not even trying to hide my fear.
“Julia, what is wrong? Did I hurt you? I thought you wanted me to . . .”
“I am sorry! I thought I did, but I am not ready for this yet. Not with you, not with Adam, not with anyone!” I hid my face, my hair streaming down to provide a curtain between us. I did not want to see his disgust at this foolish young woman who could not appreciate his help, unorthodox as it may have been — could not even appreciate love at all.
“I thought you were willing, Julia. If you were not why didn’t you tell me?” Samuel sounded bewildered, angry even. But whether he was angry with me or with himself I could not discern.
I closed my eyes against burning tears that threatened to fall. “Nay, it is not that. Oh, just go away, Samuel, you would not understand!”
How could he even begin to understand my irrational fear, caused by the last times I had been in a similar situation with my husband, during which I had been hurt so badly that I now feared the situation, no matter whom I was with?
Samuel pulled away. “I am not going away, Julia. You were fine and then you got upset. Something must have upset you. Was it something I did? Did I hurt you?” he asked, sounding worried.
“It is not you, Samuel. It is an involuntary reaction; I cannot control it. I have always been afraid . . . of this,” I said, my voice trailing off as I struggled to explain my feelings.
Samuel leaned over again and lifted my head gently so I would have to look at him — or maybe so he could see my eyes. “Is it because of something Gregory did to you?”
I smiled bitterly. “I guess you could say that,” I muttered. I tried to tell Samuel about it, but found I could not bring myself to speak of it. Samuel sighed.
“I am not going to hurt you,” he said softly. “For God’s sake, Julia, I thought you would have known that by now!”
“I am sorry,” I said again miserably. “I know I ruined everything. Honestly, I do not know why I agreed to let you do this. I do not even know why I agreed to let you make me a vampire; I am a broken woman no man will ever want!”
I frowned, hating myself self-loathing, but powerless, or so I thought, to overcome it. I think Samuel tried to say something, but I did not hear him. “What man will ever want a woman who won’t even let him love her!”
I was about to go on when Samuel leaned over and put his finger cautiously on my lips. “Shh. You are too harsh on yourself. A man would be a fool not to wait until you are ready, Sunshine. You are extremely beautiful.”
He gently took his finger off my mouth and looked at me with kind eyes. The other mysterious emotions that were in his eyes earlier had faded. “You are safe here, Julia. Please do not fret.” He swore at himself quietly. “I pushed you too far. It is I who should be sorry, and I am. There is about an hour or so until dawn. Why don’t you get to sleep early?” he suggested, backing away and glancing at the floor. Locating his shirt there he got up to leave. “You did fine, Julia. I will see you tomorrow.”
<
br /> I was still as the sense of panic faded. His words amazed me. He called me beautiful. He was not angry with me. He stopped when I told him to. I reflected on his comment to retire early: I had been so close to letting someone love me fully, and then I had become fearful. It was understandable, but in some strange way I suddenly realized that if I took his suggestion now, I would never get over my fear, never let myself be this close again. And so I asked myself a very difficult question. Did I trust Samuel enough to teach me to love, to not be afraid? Before I consciously realized my answer, I was reaching for him. “Samuel, wait. Don’t go. Please.”
Samuel turned and gave me a long, measuring look. “Julia, I should go. I have already frightened you enough tonight.”
I got to my knees. “I’ll try not to panic on you again, Samuel.” Leaning forward I kissed him lightly. “I do believe you can help me. You have already shown me I can feel something other than fear. You say we have an hour.”
Samuel nodded. “Are you certain, Julia?”
I nodded. “Aye. I need to know that there is something other than pain and fear. But promise me that not a word of this will ever get out of this room, Samuel,” I warned, agitated at the thought. “No one can ever know.” I wondered what in the world I was thinking. I love Adam, but I don’t trust him enough to be intimate. I trust Samuel to be intimate, but I don’t love him. I did not understand myself.
Samuel leaned over and kissed me. The touch was extremely light. “I promise,” he said softly, and lowered me back on the bed. An hour later I drifted into sleep on a hundred wonderful new sensations. I had not known I could feel like this, had not known that trust and the act of love could go together. Now all I needed to know was if love and the act of love could go together.
Chapter 17
The events of the previous days had exhausted me, and the time with Samuel at the end of the night before had relaxed me more deeply than I had thought possible. I must have succumbed to a very deep sleep indeed. Before I was fully awake the next evening, before I had even opened my eyes, I became aware of someone standing next to me.
In that state—half in this world and half in the misty realm of slumber— I assumed it was Samuel, and accepted without hesitation the liquid that was brought to my lips.
But the liquid was not blood, nor was the taste familiar. Alarmed, I stopped drinking. As I tried to spit out what I had not yet swallowed, the unwelcome visitor brutally forced me to swallow it and drink more. I tried to move, but an unnatural tranquility had swept over my body. I could not even open my eyes.
The intruder made a sound like a laugh, full of cruelty and derision. I realized the voice was male, and familiar to me; yet it was the voice of someone who was not supposed to be there. But the fog of confusion sweeping over my mind made it impossible for me to identify who the unbidden interloper might be.
There was a sudden noise from the hall, followed by a muffled voice. Vaguely, I thought it sounded like Samuel’s, but the voice was too far away for me to know for certain. I tried to cry out, both with my voice and telepathically, but darkness claimed me again.
***
I awoke gradually with the sense that something was not right. My eyelids were heavy, and it was only with great effort that I managed to open them. It was nighttime, and the only light came from the waning moon and my unnatural eyesight.
Samuel was sitting beside me stroking my hair. When he saw my eyes open, relief flooded his face. “Julia! Are you all right? What the hell happened? We have not been able to wake you for almost three days!”
Staring at him in confusion, I said, “Three days?
That . . . that cannot be right.” I was reminded of the times I had lost days, even weeks of time after one of Gregory’s assaults. I touched my forehead, feeling lightheaded and weak.
“But it is right. It has been three days,” Samuel confirmed. His hand steadied me as I tried to sit up. “The night after you and I came in here, Mary Anne knocked on the door. She needed help with Valerie as I had left the room for a while—”
“Someone was in here,” I muttered, interrupting him. “I have a vague memory . . . a voice . . .”
Samuel, alarmed then, looked at me. “Do you know who it was? When I came back the door was open. I swore I had shut it, but I could only assume maybe I forgotten to.”
“You probably did shut the door. I am not sure who was here. The voice was familiar, and it was a man’s voice; of that I am sure. He forced me to drink something, and everything became hazy, as though I were under water and could not rise to the surface,” I mumbled sleepily.
Samuel reached out and pulled the covers off me. It was then I realized I was fully dressed again. “Someone must have drugged you. Come, you need to feed, and we will have to leave this place.”
I tried to get up on my own but fell instantly. Samuel caught me and scooped me up into his arms. “Samuel, I am confused—”
“You are not the only one,” Samuel muttered. “When I came out of Valerie’s room and saw the door was open, I thought you must have gotten up, but when I got closer I saw you were still in bed. I wondered then why the door was wide open. I tried to wake you, but I couldn’t.”
“Who dressed me?” I asked, fearing his answer.
“I did. When I could not wake you myself, I decided I needed someone else to try. Since you didn’t want anyone to know, I first dressed you.”
“Why would someone drug me?” I leaned on Samuel as he led me to the sitting room. “And who?”
“I do not know, Julia, but it is the only thing that can explain your condition. Nothing else makes sense. You said you were forced to drink something while you were still mostly asleep, and I don’t know of anything but drugs that could knock a vampire senseless, with the exception of alcohol, as you so recently proved.”
Mary Anne looked up as we entered the sitting room. “Julia, are you all right?”
Jeffrey was holding Valerie. “What happened?”
“Someone drugged her,” Samuel replied.
“Who the hell did it?” Jeffrey asked, at the very moment Adam voiced the same question.
“I do not know,” I whispered, still confused. “I did not open my eyes at first, thinking it was Samuel or Adam offering me blood. By the time I realized it was not blood, and not Samuel or Adam, my eyes would no longer do what I bid them to. I could not see properly.”
“It is all right now, Julia,” Samuel said soothingly as he heard the note of hysteria in my voice. Adam walked over and put his hand on my shoulder.
Christy and Matthew walked in. “Samuel, are you sure Valerie is strong enough to travel?”
“How do you know we’re leaving?” I asked.
“Samuel just told us telepathically,” Matthew replied.
“Whoever the boil-brained piglet is who did this to Julia might try again. We must leave now. Hopefully, Valerie is strong enough to travel,” Samuel answered.
“Why would someone drug Julia and then just disappear?” Robert asked. He cast a measuring look towards me and Samuel.
I did not know what was going through his head, but there seemed to be an underlying tension among group members that was not there a few days earlier. It could have been my imagination, but the ka-tet’s power did not seem as potent as normal either.
Mary Anne gave him a withering look. “He wanted her unconscious. He probably wanted to take her with him but was interrupted by someone in the hall and was worried that they were coming back to the room. And whoever it was didn’t have a chance to try again these past two nights because someone has always been with her.”
“Can we go now?” Christy asked. Samuel nodded. “Are we all going to fit in the carriage?” She continued looking from one person to another.
Samuel shook his head. “I’ll walk alongside with Julia. As soon as we see someone we can stop. Both she and Valerie need to feed.”
“I will get the horses hitched to the carriage,” Mary Anne said.
“I’ll
help and keep an eye out for trouble,” Matthew said.
Mary Anne glanced back at him with a ghost of a smile. “Do you need a candle if there’s trouble?” she asked.
Matthew walked to the hearth and picked up a buried glowing ember. “No, just this,” he replied. Strangely, he showed no pain holding the hot coal. He followed Mary Anne out the door.
I looked around at the others. Adam looked puzzled as he stared after the other two, but no one else seemed to find the conversation or Matthew’s actions unusual. I thought about questioning it, but was too tired to.
A short time later, Matthew came back in. “We’re ready,” he said. Everyone walked outside. Jeffrey climbed in back and laid Valerie down. Everyone else clambered into the back with them, except Matthew and Christy, who climbed in front. Matthew took the reins. “Are you quite sure you want to walk, Samuel?” he asked, looking down at us.
“I’m sure. The carriage is crowded enough at the moment,” he answered, cradling me against him a little tighter, “and I think the fresh air will help clear Julia’s head.” As we started walking alongside the carriage he asked me what I thought.
I simply nodded and snuggled against him. In truth, I was still disorientated and too sluggish to stay awake. The constant rhythm of his heartbeat was soothing and I drifted into a peaceful sleep again.
I was awakened by persistent gentle shaking. “Wake up, Julia. Do not do this to me. You have slept for three days already.”
I stirred and realized we had stopped moving. “Samuel?” I murmured sleepily. My eyes fluttered open.
“It is I, Julia.” Samuel said. I must have looked baffled, because I was barely aware of where I was and what was happening. I felt grass underneath me and realized Samuel was on his knees beside me. “It is time to feed,” he explained and helped me sit up.
I looked past him to see Mary Anne and Adam standing over two crumpled heaps that were probably highwaymen. Jeffrey climbed down and then lifted Valerie out. He smiled over at us. “Someone chose the wrong carriage to harass,” he said, confirming my suspicions.
Lost Soul (War of Destiny Book 1) Page 24
