by Marie Hall
Dressed in dark, distressed jeans and tight-fitting CBGB black print shirt, Julian was causing his own set of heads to turn. He’d cut his hair—it no longer fell as long as it had—but he’d also lost all traces of his boyish looks. There was a light dusting of scruff on his jaw, and Elisa flung herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, not caring that she was probably showing off all the goods to the world.
“You’re here,” she tapped out on his arm and then kissed him passionately.
He tasted like Julian. Like mint and candy. He smelled like she always remembered, clean soap, and his touch…his touch was strong and powerful and intoxicating.
“I’m here, Smile Girl,” he danced the words down her spine and she nodded in return as a single tear slipped down her cheek.
The moment they stepped foot inside her flat it was like old times. Elisa peeled his shirt off, dragging her nails down his abs as he sucked and nibbled his way along her neckline.
She was just about to kick off her heels but he shook his head no. Instead, he scooped her into his arms and laid her down on the couch. Then without tearing his gaze from hers, began to slowly take her clothes off.
There were no thoughts of anyone or anything else in her head when Julian stared at her as he now did. Like she was everything good and lovely and perfect.
He took off everything except the pearls and the heels.
Giving him a smirk, she drew a finger down her thigh, and then laughed when he attacked her like a feral jungle predator.
And when he moved deep inside her, feathering words upon her sensitive skin, she remembered all over again why it was that they’d vowed to remain loyal to each other. Because no man on Earth could ever make her feel a tenth of what she did when she was with him.
Three hours later they were just about to fall asleep in each other’s arms when her phone rang.
Holding up a finger, she kissed Julian’s nose and then reached over his body for her purse where she stored her phone.
“Hello?”
“Tell me, duckling, exactly where you are, because I am certain I told you there’d be no getting out of it tonight.”
Groaning, Elisa shook her head. “Not tonight, Mere, seriously. I just want to hang out with Julian, but I promise that I’ll—”
Julian’s fingers were waving in the air and he was frowning at her.
“Hold on,” she said, and glanced at him. “What’s the matter, babe?”
“Is that your friend?” he asked after he’d disentangled himself from her arms.
Nodding, she watched as he put his clothes on roughly.
“Yes, what are you doing?”
“Did you have plans already?” He turned to her.
His hair was all rumpled and God he looked so sexy, she just wanted to bring him back to her side and have him be naked again. But there was something in his eyes that didn’t feel right—an energy was there she’d never felt before with him.
It made her feel suddenly shy. Sitting up, she covered her breasts with her arm and dragged her dress over with her foot.
“No, not really. They wanted me to bring you out to the pub tonight and introduce you, but I didn’t think you’d want—”
Brushing his fingers through his hair, he gave her a grin. But it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m fine. I told you before I came that I didn’t want you to change your plans because of me.”
“Jules.” She slipped her dress on and stood, reaching out for him when the static of a loudly buzzing voice rang through her phone speaker. She glanced down at it.
Picking the phone up, Julian handed it to her, and then turned on his heel and walked toward her bathroom.
What the hell had just happened?
Feeling slightly numb, she placed the phone back to her ear.
“Hello!” Meredith’s sharp trill made Elisa realize she’d probably been yelling for the past minute.
“Hey,” she said glumly, staring at her bedroom door, listening to the rush of water from her sink and growing more and more worried each second that ticked past that something wasn’t right.
“Whoa, what’s that tone for? Problems with the mister?”
“No.” She frowned, shaking her head almost violently. “Of course not.”
“So are you coming or not, love? We’ve been saving two seats for ya, but the natives are growing restless.”
Julian stepped out a second later, and, taking one look at her on the phone, gave her the hand motioning gesture for her to continue.
“You sure?” she asked.
He nodded. “Of course, Smile Girl.”
Feeling a little bit better because he’d used his pet name, she agreed. “Fine, we’ll be there in about an hour.”
“Thirty minutes tops. Bye, babes!” Meredith hung up with a sharp burst of laughter.
The cab ride to Turk’s Head felt long and stressful for Elisa. At one point Julian tossed his arm across her shoulder and gave her chaste kiss to the crown of her head, but it didn’t feel natural.
She pushed a hand into his chest until he looked down at her.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
Scoffing, he kissed her fingertips. “No. Why would you ever think that?”
He said no, but she didn’t feel good about it. The sex had been great, but the warmth they’d always shared was gone and it was terrifying her.
He sighed. “Baby, I’m just exhausted. I flew halfway around the world. And, I didn’t get a chance to tell you yet, but I can’t stay the full two weeks.”
“What?” she shrieked and signed at the same time. The cabbie looked back at them with a tight-lipped scowl. “Why are you just now telling me this? When do you go back?”
“Day after Christmas.” He wouldn’t look at her as he said it.
“What? Why?” She turned his face with her finger. “Why are you leaving me this way? What’s the matter, Julian? If you think I don’t know something’s up, then you’re crazy. I know you like I know my own soul.”
He grimaced. “I couldn’t get out of it. Mom begged me to come back early.”
But again he wouldn’t meet her eyes when he said it and his jaw was clenched too tight for that to be the total truth. Having a sudden flashback to the day he and Roman had been signing off-screen, she wondered if that’s why Roman had looked shocked when she’d mentioned stealing Julian away from the family.
That would mean he’d known he wasn’t staying for two months now and hadn’t bothered to tell her. She’d be furious if she wasn’t so terrified of just what that could possibly mean.
Feeling a heaviness centering in the middle of her chest, she turned her face to stare out the window, watching in a daze as the bright lights of the city center flashed by.
Julian paid the fare once they got there and it was one of the hardest things Elisa had ever had to do when she walked into that bar to pretend like all was right with the world.
Turk’s was as busy as it usually was, with bodies lining the bar and seating area. But the mood was congenial. Elisa hoped the lighthearted atmosphere would help snap Jules out of whatever funk he was in.
Meredith bum rushed her almost immediately, looking up and down her body before giving a wolfy whistle. “Somebody cleans up nice and—” Her jaw dropped when she glanced at Julian. “Bloody hell, I guess I’ll be picking up the next round. You’re hot as fuck, Julian Wright.”
His lips tipped just briefly. At least he was being nice to her friend. Maybe things weren’t all lost. Wishing they had time to talk properly, Elisa cast him a very quick glance before Meredith took her hand and whooped.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Meredith cried out from their table. Causing all heads to turn in their direction as they walked over to join them.
Giggling, Elisa covered her mouth with her free hand and gave Julian a quick glance of apology. It was obvious to her that Meredith had already had a beer, or maybe even two; she was never usually quite so blunt in front of males unle
ss she’d taken a shot of liquid courage.
“Elisa.” Angelica gave her a tepid smile before her pretty green eyes zeroed in on Julian’s body like a laser.
Angelica was edging close to forty and at one point must have been a serious beauty. Her skin still held the luminescent quality of youth, but her hair had silver in it, and there were lines framing her mouth and eyes. She was a pearl losing its luster and not enjoying the process one bit.
She dieted almost obsessively to keep her slim, statuesque figure, and wore nothing but black. Elisa couldn’t convince her that rather than making her look modelesque, most times she looked emaciated, washed out, and in dire need of a good hamburger or twenty.
Angelica sipped at her whiskey neat. “And who is this?” The faint trace of a French accent made her just a little more bearable to be around.
Callum pulled the stool from beside him out, and patted it. Indicating Elisa should sit. Elisa was just about to shake her head no and go to sit at the one beside Meredith, but Julian was already sitting down.
Feeling suddenly anxious and awkward she took a seat, staring at faces she’d only just begun to know, wondering what Julian was thinking now.
“So Julian.” Meredith waggled her brows. “Elisa tells us you read lips. So read mine.” She took a huge swig of her beer.
“No,” Elisa shook her head and chuckled. “Don’t read her lips, whatever comes out of there is going to be humiliatingly raunchy.”
“Speaking of raunchy…” A ruddy-cheeked Tobias grinned, which caused the entire table to groan.
“Well, if you aren’t going to listen to me, you certainly don’t want to listen to Tobias,” Meredith wailed.
“No, no, now hold on a moment.” Tobias whipped off his cap, wiped his sweaty brow, and then grinned. “This one’s funny.”
“Oh, piss off, the lot of you!” Meredith glowered before taking another large swig of her beer.
Callum snorted and then cast a quick glance at Elisa before taking a sip of his own beer.
“Mickey Mouse stood before a judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case—”
“Mickey!” Elisa laughed. “Oh no, don’t you dare denigrate the mouse, Tobias.”
“What?” he chuffed, took a large swallow of his beer and winked at Julian. “It’s the most American joke I have. Now stop interrupting me.”
“Anyway, as I was saying. ‘Mickey,’ says the judge, ‘I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie to be mentally competent.’ ‘But your honor,’ says the mouse, ‘I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.”
Groans and giggles erupted from the group, even Angelica laughed at that one, but when Elisa turned to Julian, he wasn’t smiling. He had a sad look on his face, haunted, and almost distant, and the fears she’d felt back in the car came back with a vengeance.
She tried her best to engage him the rest of the night, he was kind and sweet as ever, but he was different too.
The week flew by, and unable to bear their strange silence another second, she erupted the night over dinner the night before he left.
“What’s the problem? You tell me now!” She slashed her fingers through the air.
He smashed his fist onto the table and she jumped in her seat, eyes wide and looking at him in a way she never had before.
Clenching his jaw, he squeezed his eyes shut. “You want to know what’s going on with me, Elisa, really?”
Sick to her stomach, she grabbed at herself, nodding her head even as inside she screamed, preparing herself to hear the worst.
When he looked at her again, there wasn’t any of the anger or fury, but there was an overwhelming sadness that brought tears to her eyes.
“We don’t see each other. We talk online and all you talk about is this place and these people and I’m glad, I’m glad you’re making friends, I’m glad.”
The pause was so lengthy that she had to urge him on to continue. “But?”
It was rare to see Julian cry. He’d only done it once or twice in front of her, and now he wasn’t out and out bawling, but his eyes were teary and glistening.
“But I’m stuck back there. And you’re moving on. Just like we always do. Do you like that guy Callum?”
“What?” She jerked and then shifted in her seat. “Of course not,” she said defensively. “Why would you even ask that?”
Had she been making eyes at him that night? She didn’t think so. Elisa had made every effort to keep Callum at bay, not giving him eye contact, not laughing at his jokes, she loved Julian—he had to know that.
His touch on her cheek was so gentle it stirred memories of what they’d once been. She leaned into it desperately, but all too soon he pulled away.
“Because I saw how he looked at you. You have a life here, Elisa, and I’ve got no part of it. I’m so happy to see you thriving, but it kills me too, because I feel you slipping away and I’m not sure you’re even aware of it.”
“I’m not slipping away. I love you, only you. So what if I think someone else is attractive?” She fessed up to it. He wasn’t stupid after all, nor was she to believe that Julian wouldn’t see other girls and not find them beautiful. “But attraction is only skin deep. I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me. You mean everything to me.”
“But we still have another year and a half before I graduate. Are you telling me you think this can work like this for that long?”
Taking several panicked, deep breaths she shook her head. “Don’t tell me you’re breaking up with me.”
“Of course not.” He sighed, and then getting up, he held his hand out to her.
She took it and shuddered into him when his large, strong arms wrapped around her waist.
He kissed the crown of her head and tapped out his words on her body. “But I feel like I see the writing on the wall, Elisa, and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen to us. I’m sorry if I get moody, but when it comes to you, I’ve never been really good at pretending.”
Finally understanding the source of the strain, she wrapped her arms around his neck and walked with him backward to her room, wanting to prove to him with her body just how much she truly belonged to him, mind, body, and soul.
But the next morning when she walked him to the airport the tension was back, and as she turned for home she admitted to herself what she’d been unable to say to him.
How could they survive another year and a half of this?
~*~
Visits came and visits went, and some of them were better than others. Elisa and Julian grew as busy as they’d been before and the online chats became less and less.
The emails became more impersonal and before she knew it, it started to feel a lot like she was hanging on to something that’d died a painful last breath months ago.
Elisa stared at Julian’s latest email.
“Don’t worry about coming to graduation. I’m actually finishing my classes early and will be done here in two weeks. Mom’s pissed I’m not walking, but I just don’t feel like it. I found a studio in New York I think I’m gonna buy. It suits me. It’s in Chelsea, I think you’d like it if you saw it. I miss you lots.
Love,
Jules”
Elisa debated not answering, but decided to anyway.
“So you don’t want me to come? Julian, I can’t help feeling like something…”
Staring at her words, she swiftly deleted it and powered down her laptop. Anything she said now would come out too needy and make her sound pathetic. Did Julian want to break up with her? It would be so much easier if she could just talk to him face to face, but he was probably already asleep and the last thing she wanted was to wake him up to have a serious, relationship-defining sort of talk.
Her phone rang. Sad and not wanting to talk, she debated whether or not to just let it go to voicemail, but eventually picked it up.
“Hello.”
“Well, there you are.” Chastity’s familiar voice made Elisa
smile.
“Chas, oh man, it’s so good to hear a friendly voice. How’s married life treating you?”
“Oh, you know, good, and by the way we’re having a baby in two months.”
“What?” She sat forward. “You didn’t tell me this. Congratulations! Boy or girl?”
“Well, I didn’t tell you and I am sorry for that, but I had a sister who had about three miscarriages so I was a little anxious about spilling the beans to you until I knew it would stick. And it, by the way, is a girl!”
They squealed and laughed together.
Elisa had flown to Luke and Chas’s wedding last summer. Chastity had made a beautiful beach side bride. Even Julian had been in high spirits for it. It’d almost felt like he and Elisa had fallen in love all over again as they’d danced beneath the stars on the cold sand by the light of several lit tiki torches.
That memory seemed like a lifetime ago now.
She swallowed hard. “Chas.”
“Yeah?”
Elisa picked at her thumbnail. “How’s Jules?”
“Girl, I can’t believe how busy that boy is. His art is really starting to go mainstream. I wouldn’t doubt if in a few months he becomes the next it artist. He’s been making the rounds in the New York art scene and rubbing elbows with the hoi polloi. Yeah, he’s moving on up. But don’t you guys talk?” She sounded genuinely confused and it almost made Elisa want to cry.
No one knew how strained things now were between the two of them, mostly because she felt that to own up to it would make it real. But it was getting beyond the point that she could simply ignore the obvious either.
She sighed, and stared out her window. “Not like we used to. When we see each other, things are great, but this distance, I don’t know. It’s just not good.”
“Hm. I’m sorry to hear that. But he’s not seeing anyone else, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
A wave of relief hit her hard enough to make her realize regardless of how little they now talked, Julian was still important enough to her that it mattered.
“He’s super busy. Luke likes to check in on him whenever he can, and sometimes he’ll come over here for dinner and whatever, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone more driven to be a success than he is.”
