by Marie Hall
Julian was a fighter, always had been. He moved and lived in a world that did not cater to his particular needs and he thrived. Julian might not be able to see color, but when she saw him it was like her world exploded with an intense miasma of it. Maybe the fireworks were gone, but what remained went far deeper than superficial lust.
“Oh my God, Mom,” her voice cracked, “what if it’s too late? What if I messed up? I don’t think he’s planning to come back here again. Last time he came, it was hard. He said I’d moved on and I got so angry at him, I denied it all.” She clenched her fist, digging her nails into her palm. “But he was right. What if he’s already moved on?”
Just the thought of it made her want to vomit, to imagine another Mandy in his life, loving him and touching him and seeing the gift of Julian for what he really was.
She covered her mouth with shaking fingers and shook her head.
“No, baby girl. Julian would never do that. When he moves on he’ll tell you.”
“But I feel it already, a separation between us. He barely calls me now.”
“Elisa Jane, how often do you call him first?”
She blinked, blinded by her hot tears, feeling the impact of those words to her very soul.
“That boy has chased you for years, but he’s a man, and we all have our limits. He still had college, you had to get a job, I think he understood that, but there is nothing standing in either one of your way now except for you guys. I told you in the beginning that long-distance relationships can kill even the strongest of love, and it’s true. Neither one of you would be to blame for it, but it will happen. Humans are creatures in need of affirmation and love. And if he’s not around to give it to you, your heart will look for it elsewhere.”
Crying ugly tears now, all she could do was shake her head. Elisa didn’t know if it was an agreement or not, but everything her mother said now struck a crippling chord.
“I love him so much, but he’s not here, and I’ve been faithful to him, but I’m so lonely.”
“As I’m sure he is too. Fact is, Elisa, there’s a choice to be made. Your job and your life in Ireland, or a new life with him. You don’t have to decide today, but you do have to decide, and once you do you need to let him know. It’s the only fair thing to do.”
“But what will I do? I can’t just quit? I don’t have a job lined up, I wouldn’t know what to do.” She punched her mattress in frustration.
Giving a sad little chuckle, Elizabeth said, “Honey, believe me when I say these things work themselves out the way they should. Don’t panic about what tomorrow might bring, you can’t walk a thousand miles in a day, the only thing you can do is decide to take that first step.”
They hung up a short time later, but for Elisa her whole world changed. Picking up the phone she made one final phone call.
“Lisa?” Chastity asked a minute later, her voice sounding sleepy, and Elisa knew she’d woken her up. “Hey, girl, you okay?”
“I’m sorry, Chas, I know it’s late there, I just…” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “I just have a quick question and I need you to be totally honest with me.”
“Of course I will,” she said then smothered a yawn, making Elisa cringe. She felt bad, Chas probably wasn’t getting much sleep thanks to being a new mom now, but Elisa couldn’t go the rest of her day without knowing.
“I know you guys still hang out with Jules sometimes. Be honest, has he moved on?”
She could have heard a pin drop, her apartment suddenly seemed so silent. For a moment she thought she might throw up as Chastity’s silence seemed to take hours rather than just a few seconds before she finally said, “You haven’t been around for a while. He’s been quiet, like always, but…”
“But…but what?” She gripped the phone until her knuckles turned what. “Has he met someone else?”
“No, no,” she was quick to assure, “at least I don’t think so. I mean, you know if he wanted to he wouldn’t have a problem, he’s incredibly talented and good looking, but he’s grown distant with us, Lisa, like he’s withdrawing little by little. I wasn’t going to tell you this, but since you asked, Luke and I were actually talking about it last week, in fact, and he said it’s what guys do when they’re ready to let things go. They start to cut out the things that remind them of you.”
It was like being cut open and someone yanking her heart from out of her chest, and stomping it to the ground. Grabbing her throat, she couldn’t make a sound.
“Oh, shoot, Lisa, I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that, I mean, I don’t know for sure, we were just talking and—”
“No,” she croaked, cleared her throat, and then tried again. “It makes sense. He told me the last time he came that he felt like we were so different now. But I didn’t see it.” Squeezing her eyes shut, Elisa had the sick feeling that even if she flew back now it was way too late. “And now I do, and it might be too late.”
“Call him.”
“I can’t.” Her laughter was full of bitterness. “What would I tell him? I’m still stuck here, but I love you, don’t move on with your life, and by the way there was a guy here who for just a second made me second-guess all the years we had together? What the hell would he think of me then?”
Feeling more miserable than she’d ever felt in her life, Elisa hugged his pillow to her chest.
“I love him so much, Chas, and I let everything else get in the way of that. I want to go home.”
Chastity sighed. “I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a second, but…do you really want to come home? Or are you having a hard time letting it go? Maybe…maybe, Elisa, maybe it wasn’t meant to—”
“Stop it.” She shook her head vehemently. “It might not be meant to be, and that’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, if he tells me we’re over I think I might actually want to die.”
A memory of what had happened after Julian had bailed on her after the night of his eighteenth birthday burned its way into her memory banks. The tears, the utter despondency she’d felt when she’d thought they were over forever, that would be nothing to the desolation she’d feel now.
Because this time she knew what her life could be like with Julian. It wouldn’t be perfect, but when she imagined her kids, when she imagined whom she should be with ten years down the road, there was only one face she saw.
The image of her future children, they didn’t have brown hair with gentle brown eyes, but black hair with eyes the color of a tropical ocean.
When she imagined hands trailing down her body, they weren’t soft from years of studying books, but callused and muscled. And when her mate said he loved her, she didn’t hear it; she felt the words dance upon her skin.
“He’s got a show in two weeks. Won’t show Luke and me the paintings, but they must be damned good for him to be included as part of the Museo’s Artists in the City exhibit.”
Elisa exhaled a long breath. He hadn’t told her about that. Museo was one of the hippest and trendiest art galleries in all of the meatpacking district. For him to have gotten in there was a huge, huge deal.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I saw the invitation for you on his desk.”
She clutched her heart. “I’ll see you guys in two weeks. But Chas?”
“Yeah?”
Elisa stared at her room that had one time begun to feel so comfortable and warm and now only saw it for what it was. A mirage, a reflection of a life she no longer wanted.
“Don’t tell him, okay? I know a lot can happen in two weeks”—she thinned her lips as her heart trembled—“but I want to know that no matter the outcome, it’s supposed to happen as it should.”
She sighed. “Are you going to call him?”
Julian hadn’t called in over a week. Elisa wasn’t stupid. He was evaluating their relationship too, and he deserved to have that time to do it. Julian had always been patient with her; the least she could do was give him the
same courtesy.
“No, not if he doesn’t call me first.”
“Elisa, I wouldn’t recommend that.”
“Chastity, he stayed with a girl once because she refused to let him go. As much it kills me to think he’ll tell me no—”
“You want him to be sure of his decision. I get it. I think it’s dumb as hell, but I get it.”
“For the record, I think it’s dumb as hell, too.”
~*~
Dropping her transfer request to her boss had been the hardest part of leaving Ireland behind. Saying goodbye to Callum had been one of the hardest and easiest things to do.
Easy, because she finally knew herself. Hardest, because had circumstances been different, she knew she could have been happy with him. Maybe not a forever romance, or maybe it could have been. He’d been a fork in the road of her life, one that could have possibly brought her a lot of happiness.
But she could not undo Julian, and the fact was that she had no desire to pretend he wasn’t a giant part of her soul.
Callum had nodded, and his look had been intense—maybe even a little sad—as he’d said, “I understand. Be well, Elisa.”
With those words, he was gone, and for just a second she felt a breathless twinge of what might have been. But it was easy to walk away when she knew the potential of what was hopefully waiting for her.
The only person she’d really truly miss would be Meredith, but they’d promised to keep in touch whenever possible. There’d been many tears, hugs, and kisses when they’d said their goodbyes.
Thank God Julian lived in New York; it made the job transfer infinitely easier. For better or for worse Elisa had left Dublin behind forever. Whether Julian wanted her in his life now or not, she had a job and a new life to build in New York City.
Exiting the JFK terminal she hugged Chastity’s and Luke’s neck and then slid into the back seat of their black SUV.
Chastity was little rounder, a little softer in the face than Elisa remembered her. But motherhood looked good on her. She’d cut her dreds short, and now they hung to her shoulders, and no longer was she wearing bright dyes, but warm earth tones. Her beautiful friend had turned into an even more beautiful mother.
Luke looked the same. With his gorgeous green eyes and his café au lait skin, he turned heads wherever he went, but his eyes were still just for Chas.
“Where’s the baby?” she asked, staring at the empty car seat.
Luke was the one to answer as he slowly maneuvered them onto freeway traffic. “With her grandma.”
“She’s super colicky, we figured it might make it a little less stressful of a ride if you didn’t have to hear her squawking.” Chas turned in her seat, giving Elisa a soft smile. “It’s good to see you back, Lisa.”
She grabbed her friend’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, not talking much on their drive into Chelsea.
The old redbrick buildings reminded her so much of their apartment in college, that Elisa experienced a pang. Chelsea was a hip, young person’s scene, and perfect for Julian’s artistic lifestyle.
If there were any place in the world Elisa could envision him living, this would have definitely made the top ten.
Luke snorted. “Julian’s making his way into the world. Mama must be a serious moneybags.” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.
Chastity thinned her lips and swatted his shoulder. “You know his art is selling like hotcakes. Julian’s deaf and colorblind.” She swiveled around to Elisa. “He can also paint his ass off; it’s pretty much a recipe for instant fame.”
They pulled up to a curb and Elisa stared at the brownstones in front of her. They were all uniform in size and color and shape, but the stoops had a definite flair of distinction, attesting to each individual’s personal style. Some bore potted flowers, others brightly painted doors.
Julian’s stood out from everyone’s.
His door was white, and hanging on it was a dynamic piece of metal art. It was a large circle with a tree of life carved out from inside of it. She smiled.
“His?” Elisa pointed to it.
Glancing over, Chas nodded. “Yup. He works in all kinds of mediums now. He’s really pretty amazing.” Digging into her purse, Chastity pulled out a key and handed it to her. “He still hasn’t gotten that light system set up yet, so he gave us a key to just come in when we needed to for now.”
Elisa palmed the key in her hot hand. Her stomach twisting and diving on itself so violently, she shook her head. “What if he’s got company over? I should have texted him, huh? I should have—”
“No.” Chastity gave her a lopsided grin. “He doesn’t leave his house the day of a show. Sorta goes into one of his funky trances. He won’t be leaving here for another two hours.”
It bothered Elisa how much Chastity knew about Julian now that she didn’t. Chas must have noticed, because she briefly touched her cheek. “You were gone, hun, and he’s our friend. We kept tabs on him, that’s all.”
“Yeah,” she snorted, “I was gone. This is probably so stupid. After this long.”
“Elisa.” Luke glanced at her in the rearview. “I know you and me aren’t as close as everyone else, but just from a guy’s perspective, there’s a lot I would have done for Chastity. When it’s the real thing, you can’t just move on and pretend like it wasn’t.”
“Aw, honey.” Chastity grinned and pecked his cheek. “Just for that you’ll be getting desert tonight.”
His eyes gleamed and Elisa couldn’t help but chuckle, which did help release some of her tension.
Tipping the key toward them, she nodded. “Well, I guess I should go face the firing squad now, right?”
“Hey.” Chas winked. “Cheer up. It’s gonna be fine. Do you want us to keep the luggage in our car?”
“Yeah, for now.” She opened the door slowly. “I’d feel like a real ass if I took that stuff in and he asked me to go.”
“He’s not gonna ask you to go.”
She stared at his door with her heart in her throat. “I wish you could really read the future, Chas, ‘cause then I’d feel so much better.”
Giving her friends a finger wave as they drove off, Elisa turned on her heel and made her way up the steps. By the time she grabbed hold of the door her palms were sweating and her hands were shaking so bad that she had to squeeze her eyes shut, lean her forehead against it, and take three deep breaths to steady herself.
She was terrified of what she might see. Terrified of finding him in there with someone else. And even if he wasn’t with someone else now, that didn’t mean there wasn’t someone else already in his heart.
Elisa had always loved Julian, but she was ashamed to say there were times in their relationship that she’d definitely dropped the ball, failing to show him just how important he actually was to her.
Behind this door lived the only man she knew, with every fiber of her being, had been made just for her. If he said no, she would move on, and maybe someday be lucky in love again. Elisa had never bought into the soul mates thing—there wasn’t just one person in all the world capable of making you happy—but she also knew that there was no one else in all the world who understood her on a molecular level.
Destiny…
She stared at her wrist. She had to know.
Steeling her nerves, she shoved the key in and opened the door.
Her heart beat so hard she could almost taste it on her tongue as she took first one step, then another, then another into his home. The walls were white, the wooden floors painted a deep-hued brown. There was a pale colored coach in the living room, a small dining chair and tables that could only seat four, but there was life pulsing through his apartment.
Canvases stretched from his high ceilings down to the floor and they were all done in amazing splashes of color.
She recognized scenes from her life, their life, on all of them.
A glistening red apple on a black background. So lifelike and realistic that she felt if she could only rea
ch into it she’d be able to grab it and take a bite. In another there was water.
Nothing was around the water, but the way the waves almost seemed in motion, and the ripples that surrounded it, her skin tingled with a sudden rush of desire to dive in.
There was McCreary’s Woods with the Queen of Hearts hidden behind a skeletal tree.
Awed by the beauty of his artwork, her mouth hung wide open as she walked around the place that seemed like a museum of her life. She walked up the stairs, knowing she shouldn’t, that she’d likely be intruding on his privacy, but she’d caught sight of an image she could hardly believe was real.
There, in the stairwell, was a painting of her. She was nude and covered in paint. Blue dripped from the corners of her eyes, a red heart had been painted over her breast, her arms and thighs were banded in yellow, and gold, brown, black, and red.
Encircling her entire image was a thick stripe of black words.
“Every time she laughs she hopes he’s watching… not so that he sees she’s happy, but that maybe…just maybe, he’ll fall for her smile just as hard as she fell for his…”
A floorboard squeaked.
Screaming with both fear and shock, she clutched at her chest, and then stood stock still as a halo of light surrounded Julian Wright’s very nude body. His skin sparkled with drops of water as though he’d just stepped out of a shower.
She was like a woman drowning. Her gaze roamed his body, her heart thundered as she saw him again, almost as if for the first time.
His body was lean and sculpted and its own work of art. There were tattoos scrawling down Julian’s thighs now. He stood before her unashamed and she clutched at her breast, feeling like it might gallop straight out of her chest.
Finally it dawned on her that he wasn’t saying anything. Swallowing hard, the fear returned with a vengeance, and she didn’t want to go through with it, she didn’t want to know that he didn’t feel the same anymore.
“What are you doing here, Smile Girl?” he asked tentatively.
Smile Girl. That meant something right? He hadn’t called her that for a long time. That was his pet name for her, and he wouldn’t have used it if he didn’t still feel for her.
