by S. Moose
Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
Tonya: I get it. I’m coming over tomorrow and we’re doing dinner.
Me: Sure. Sounds good. Mason’s coming over after he gets out of work to talk to me. He cleaned my house. Kinda weird.
Tonya: Well, he’s a friend. He was Evan’s best friend. I’m sure he’s watching out for you and making sure you’re alive. I’m glad he’s around.
Me: Yeah me too.
Tonya: Okay, babe, gotta get some stuff done. I’ll see you later.
Me: Okay, have a good day. <3
Tonya: <3
The rest of the day and night goes by without too much going on. I find myself looking up projects I can do around the house and continue to keep myself busy. Looking through more pictures I grab my scrapbook box and get to work. It’s mindless what I’m doing, but keeps me calm.
After a few hours of being creative I get up and walk outside to get fresh air. I check out my garden and frown at how small and dead it is so I make a mental note to swing by the flower shop tomorrow or over the weekend.
When it’s time for bed I climb in and feeling a little bit better. Not able to fall asleep I grab my Kindle and start a new book. Reading takes me away to a new place. When I’m reading I don’t think about real life or what’s going on with me. I think about the characters and how powerful words can be. Before long I’m finishing this book and look over at the time.
“Holy shit,” I rub my eyes and can’t believe it’s almost three in the morning.
Setting down my Kindle I curl up on my side and slowly close my eyes. I definitely need sleep if I’m going to be able to withstand Mason’s talk.
Morning comes too soon and getting out of bed is a task of its own. Finishing getting ready and about to walk down to the living room to wait for Mason I hear my phone ring again. Picking up my phone I see that it’s my mom. With a smile I answer and gently say hello.
“Hi, honey, how are you?”
“Hi, Mom. I’m the same,” I honestly tell her.
For seven years it’s been just the two of us. My dad passed away in the line of fire and I was her rock for so long until she found the strength to live again and I believed with my whole heart I could do the same.
“I know, honey. But, remember, take it day by day. Are you going back to work?”
“No.”
“Oh, Caroline. You love teaching. I hate to see you give up your dreams. Are you sure about this?”
“I am,” I sigh and sit on the edge of my bed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching and love my students. But the thought of standing in the middle of class with thirty students staring at me and wanting me to teach them something, I can’t handle it,” I sigh again. “I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to leave the house,” tears flow from my eyes and I try to hide the fact that I’m crying. I don’t want to worry my mom.
“One day you’re going to find the strength the way I did and when you do I’ll be here for you. Take all the time you need, Caroline, but don’t let your life go by because you’re missing out on so much.”
“I know. Tonya is trying and Mason is coming around too. He cleaned the house. Is that weird?” I ask. I can’t help but feel like I need a second opinion. My mother’s opinion means more to me than anything and I know she’ll give me some wise perspective I never thought of.
“Did he now?” Mom loves Mason and knows how strong our friendship is. “That’s very sweet of him.”
“Yeah I think so too. Is it weird, though?”
“I don’t think so,” she answers. “I think you need him again in your life. Sometimes people leave, Caroline, so they can be stronger. When they come back, they’re coming back for a reason and that reason will present itself when it’s time.”
And there’s the wise perspective. “He’s coming over to talk so I gotta get going, but I’ll call you later. I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, honey. Stay strong and remember to breathe.”
“I will.”
After disconnecting from the call I place my phone on my nightstand to let the phone charge and head downstairs. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I see the door open and Mason walking in.
“Care, lock the fucking door,” he gruffs. I roll my eyes and he follows me in the living room. We sit next to each other and I see frustration and sadness in his eyes. “So you’re not going back to work, huh?”
“How do you know?”
“Walker told me. He’s worried. Tonya’s worried. I’m worried so you know what?”
“What?”
“I’m moving in.”
“You’re what?” I shout. “Oh no you are not moving in, Mason. I am fine. I told you I don’t need you. If you want to be my friend again then that’s fine. I will not allow you to come here and take care of me. This is my life and I don’t need you to be my babysitter.”
“Not your decision.”
“What?” I screech and clench my fists. “Who the hell do you think you are? You have no right to come at me like this. I’m fine. I am fine.”
“You’re fine?” he says. “You are fine?”
“Yes.”
“Care, look at yourself. Look at your house. This is not fine. You’re not going back to work, and may I remind you how much you love teaching. You hardly leave and trust me, I know.”
“How?”
“I’ve been keeping tabs on you.” I groan at his response. “Evan wouldn’t want this.”
Hearing him say his name and what Evan would want tears through me. I unleash my pent up anger and quickly stand to tower over him.
“And how the fuck would you know?” I shout and cross my arms over my chest. “I am grieving over the loss of my husband, the man I was supposed to spend forever with. He died, Mason. In case you forgot.”
“I did not forget,” he rises from the couch. “In case you forgot I was the one who turned off the ventilator because you didn’t have the strength. Do not sit here and pretend you’re the only one grieving, Caroline!”
His dark eyes stare into mine as I see the tick in his jaw. Pulling my long blonde hair to the side I let down my defenses and sit back down. Mason follows suit and stares at me.
“Stop looking at me.”
“Stop being selfish.”
“I’m not.”
He sighs. “You are, Care. You have people here who love you and want to be here for you, but you push everyone away because you’re hurting. You aren’t the only one who lost someone. We all did.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I know.”
Lifting my head I take a moment to really look at him. He keeps his dark brown hair short and his broad shoulders are monstrous, showing his dedication to working out and staying fit. The one thing I love about Mason are his eyes. At first glance his eyes are a deep green, but looking closer there’s a hint of silver. As tough as he is, the other side of him is soft and gentle. That’s the Mason I know and love. Everything about Mason is different, but he’s still the same man I’ve known since high school. He’s always been very good looking and now, as an adult, he’s hot and he knows it.
“So, Caroline, is it okay that I move in?” he sweetly asks.
“Fine,” I agree. I look at him again and instantly see Evan. Those two were best friends and did everything together. They went to the academy together, graduated and were hired by the same police department. Unlike Evan, Mason likes his single life and plans on being a bachelor forever.
Mason takes my hand and rubs circles, calming me down and allowing me to breathe. “It’ll be okay, Care. I promise.”
“Okay,” is all I can say.
“So you’re really going to stay with me?”
“I am,” Mason responds as he fixes us a sandwich. When he places the plate in front of me I pick at the bread and feel his eyes on me. “Eat, Care.”
“I’m not a child, Mase.”
“I know.”
“You know I can handle this.”
“Not saying you can’t. Just here to lend you a shoulder and hand. You don’t have to live this proud life and pretend everything’s on pause. You’re still here.”
His words are running through my mind and it instantly makes me feel guilty. Here I am alive and well, and I’m not honoring Evan’s memory. I don’t visit his grave or the police department. I don’t do anything. Thinking about seeing the department or going to the place Evan’s resting isn’t something I’m strong enough to do . . . yet.
Then there’s that other part of me.
I get it. I get what he’s saying, but it’s okay for me to lay low and grieve. My goodness what is up with everyone thinking they can come here and make me feel better. I like being in my bubble. My home, the home I have with Evan, is my safe place. I am safe here.
“But I don’t need your help,” I tell him.
“Really? You do know who I am and what I do, right?”
I glare at Mason and stand my ground. Yes, Mason is a great officer and can read people with his eyes closed, but not this time. I remember everything Evan taught me and stand my ground. When his fingers graze my arm I feel my face heat up.
What the?
My face heats and my chest tightens. What is going on? Looking away from his eyes I take a quick breath and shake my head.
“You see, Caroline, I’m not stupid. We’ve known each other for years and you can’t lie to me. I can read you and I know you. But, if you want to continue to play this I’m fine game, baby,” he laughs, “I never lose. So go ahead and keep up with this act. I’m a patient man and I make sure each of my moves mean something. I’m always a step ahead.”
Something tells me no matter what I say or do, Mason will know and there’s no point with keeping up with the I’m fine routine.
“There are hard days and easy days. I’m getting by, but sometimes I need to be alone,” I tell him with a smile and pull my hand away and take a bite from the turkey sandwich.
I keep my eyes away from his. Mason knows exactly what to look for to get the truth. Usually, if I hide away from him he’ll leave it alone and let me be. But I know Mason and I know he’s not going to let me be this time. Damn him.
Lifting my face to his, he cups my cheeks and looks at me. “Break on me, Care. I’m here, okay?”
“I can’t,” I mumble and shake my head. My body’s fighting me and screaming to find comfort in Mason. “I can’t.” I fight the tears building and swallow the ball of emotions. If I fall apart in front of him he’ll make me his priority. He won’t stop pushing until I’m better, his version of better. Fuck!
“Break. On. Me. It’s okay. I’m here.”
“Mase,” I sob. “I miss him.” Mason brings me into his arms and carries me so I’m sitting on his lap. I sob into his hard chest and grip his shirt, whispering Evan’s name and wishing the pain away.
“I know you do. We all do. This is what you need to do. You need to let it go because if the situation were reversed you know Evan would go mad with anger and sadness. He’d destroy the house and get wasted drunk. It’s okay to fall apart. You have me, Care. I’m not leaving you.”
“Please don’t,” I whimper. “Please. You can’t leave me again.”
“I’m not leaving you again.”
His words dig deep in my soul and make my heart beat. Mason rubs my back so gently that it soothes me and I slowly calm down and take a few slow breaths.
“I just want to be okay. I want to be able to feel normal and get out of the house. But,” I stop and think about what I want to say. “I’m scared. I’m scared to be okay.”
“Don’t be scared. You have so many people who love you and will protect you. Don’t worry anymore. The more you keep your emotions bottled up, the more you’ll feel like you’ll explode and when the explosion happens it’ll bring you over the edge. Stop feeling the need to keep in how you’re feeling. I’m here for you so unleash how you feel on me. I can handle you, Care.”
After a while I climb out of Mason’s lap and honestly I feel better. All the emotions I let out is off my shoulders. I feel drained and tired, but when I look at Mason he has a smirk on his face.
“What?”
“Go change into workout clothes.”
“Ah why?” I mutter. “Oh my God are you calling me fat?”
“What?” Mason laughs. “Woman, you’re something. No you are not fat. But I find that running releases a lot of shit and you need to do something so go change and let’s go on a run.”
I roll my eyes and go upstairs to change.
Sprinting the last quarter mile I fall on the lawn and cover my eyes with my arm. Holy shit that was an intense run. Mason sits down next to me and pours water on my face.
“Mase!” I scream and burst into laughter. Wow, this is the first time I’ve laughed since Evan’s death. He’s staring at me with a grin on his face and I sit up, wiping my face with his shirt. “Jackass.”
“You did well, Care. Do you feel better?”
Ugh I want to lie. “Meh,” I shrug.
“Don’t lie.”
I gasp, “Me? Lie? Noooooo,” I draw out. “I would never.”
“Whatever,” he laughs. “Come on. Let’s go inside.”
Mason helps me up and we walk back inside. I hear a commotion in the kitchen and look at Mason wondering who is here.
“Helllllllo!” Tonya comes out of the kitchen with a margarita pitcher and a glass. “Welcome home!”
“Oh God,” I groan. Thursdays are margarita nights. Usually Tonya comes over and drinks while I sit on the couch and watch her. She tries so hard to get me to smile or talk, but I just sit there, motionless and in my own world.
“Okay. Ew. Go shower and come back down. I made dinner.” She smiles. “Why hello, Mason. You look terrifying as usual.”
“Oh, Tonya. When will you admit you want my sexy body?”
“Gag, please. I wouldn’t want you if you were the last man on this earth. I’d rather die alone.”
“Admit it,” he smirks, “you want this.”
“I’m not drunk enough for this,” Tonya rolls her eyes and settles on the couch. “Go shower, Caroline, you smell and I need my drinking partner!”
“Fine, just don’t kill each other,” I tell them and head upstairs.
After my shower and getting ready I head back downstairs and see Mason in the kitchen, shirtless mind you, and at the stove. I’m not sure what he’s making and I don’t ask. Instead I sit down with Tonya in the living room and pour myself a glass of her delicious margarita.
“Well, well. I’m glad I have someone to drink with.” We clink glasses and I listen to Tonya talk about her day and it’s nice to feel something again. “You look good, Caroline.”
“I do?”
“Yeah,” she says. “There’s something about you that wasn’t there before.”
“I showered, so there’s that,” we laugh. “I feel good ya know? I broke down and had a complete meltdown. It felt good. Then Mason made me run.”
“You ran?”
“Yep. Apparently running isn’t the devil and I actually like it.”
“That’s awesome, babe. You need to let it out and stop feeling alone okay?”
“I’m trying.” I drink the margarita and lean back on the couch. I’m thinking about the past few hours with Mason and something isn’t sitting well with me. Here I am with my best friend, who has been there for me every day since losing Evan, and now with Mason in the picture I instantly feel better.
Tonya’s my person; you know, someone you can lean on and count on. We share so much and out of everyone in my life she’s the one I truly trust. When Evan died I was alone, more alone than I’ve ever been, and every single day she left her husband, Clarke, home and came to stay with me. This went on for six months and I never cracked a smile or cared what I looked like.
Now. . . . I am.
A few hours pass along with two pitchers of margaritas. Tonya and I laugh at just about everything and Mason s
its on the bar stool watching us, laughing, and staring at me. I catch him a few times, but don’t say anything.
“Okayyyyy,” Tonya says. “Clarke’s here and I need sex so you kids have a good night.” Tonya leans down and kisses my cheek. “Good to hear you laugh, babe.”
“Thanks for everything.” I take her hand and give her a squeeze. “Love you, bestie.”
“Forever and ever.”
Mason walks Tonya out and talks to Clarke for a few minutes before walking back inside and locking the door. This makes me giggle, falling on my back on the couch, and laughing as if he did the funniest thing ever.
“Drunk?”
“Maybeeeeee,” I squeal. Sighing I sit up and pat the cushion telling Mason to sit down with me. When I turn to face him, he’s giving me that look again. I can’t describe it and I’m not sure if I want him to stop. “Why are you really here?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know there’s another reason why you’re here. So why?”
“Listen,” he wipes his face and sighs. “Let’s talk tomorrow okay?”
“Why? Tell me now, Mase.”
He sighs again and takes my hand. “Evan made me make him a promise.” He pauses and studies me. “If anything were to happen to him then I was to take care of you and make sure you didn’t stop living. It took me a while to come here because I was undercover for a little bit. I’m here now and you’re going to start living again.”
“Oh,” is all I can say.
“Is something wrong?”
“I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong I’m getting used to the idea of you being here and I like it, but it sucks to know Evan took care of things and didn’t talk to me about it.”
“He didn’t want you to worry, Care.”
“You’re right,” I whisper. “I get it, Mason. But I need you to understand there are going to be days and nights I’ll break down. There are going to be times I want to be alone and you have to respect that.”
