Refresh

by S. Moose

  “Caroline,” her voice softens and she looks at me. “I know, sweetie, and I get it. I want you to be happy and I want you to never be in that slump again. You’re doing so well and we both know it’s because of Mason. He’s your rock and that’s wonderful. It’s okay to take things slow, but I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re taking control of your life again and as your best friend that means the world to me. You’re getting stronger, babe.”

  “I am becoming stronger and yes there are still times of guilt, but I know I’m doing the right thing. Evan wants me to be happy again so I am.”

  “Good, babe.”

  “Yeah.” And it’s all out there. I’m happy again and I’m strong enough to see my own strength. I’m going to do this. I’m living and no more looking back.

  “Listen to your heart, Caroline. Do what you feel is right.”

  “I know,” I whisper and deep down I know what I want.

  “Then if you know, do it, babe. You’re going to start taking control of your life and I’m going to cheer you on. We all love you and want the best for you. Whatever you decide, whenever you decide to do it, make sure it’s on your time. I’m here to guide you and show you that you’re so strong and can get over almost anything. You’re better than this grumpy pants attitude. You are Caroline Spencer and you kick ass.”

  I listen to each word from Tonya and believe in what she’s telling me. It’s not like I want to be miserable or scared my whole life. When you lose someone you love you’re careful about how you go about your life. Your decisions are carefully thought out and you don’t just go on a whim. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the dark so the demons don’t come out and grab you again. But, what kind of life is that? What kind of life is playing house with Mason when I can truly be with him heart, body and soul? He’ll tire of this and move on.

  “Let me add,” she says with a smirk, “sex and Mason are like desserts.”

  “What?” I burst out laughing.

  “Now listen to me. Sex and Mason are like desserts. There are many sides of Mason and sex consists of different positions all of this like dessert. You see a dessert case and there’s everything from fruit tarts to red velvet cake to brownies.”

  “I’m getting hungry now, thanks.”

  “Oh shut up,” Tonya laughs and continues with her ridiculous explanation. “These two things go hand in hand. So you can take your time and look at these yummy desserts the way you look at Mason and sex and then when you’re ready you’ll pick the best most delicious dessert and boom, you and Mason will be having boom boom time.”

  “I can’t even with you.” I laugh and wipe my tears from laughing so hard. “You’re too much.”

  “Dessert equals Mason and sex. Remember, variety and different tastes!”

  “Okay enough of this let’s go kill it at the gym!”

  The next day I try my best to not think about how sore I am and whispering for Tonya’s death. Bending over to pick up a rag I almost start crying because my legs are sore from the damn squats we did. I hear her stupid little voice in my head and I want to slowly walk over to her house and punch her in the face.

  “Come on, Caroline, get lower! Squats equal strength and a bigger booty, so get down!”

  “No! You aren’t doing it right! Here, watch me.”

  Ugh. I don’t understand the point of working out when you’re already fine with how you look. According to Tonya it’s not just being healthy physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To me, working out means dying and not being able to feel your body for a few days.

  My phone vibrates on the counter and when I look at the name my heart stops. Guilt washes over me and I curse myself for ignoring the family I’ve known for so long. They didn’t do anything wrong and tried their best to be there for me. Like the asshole I am I pushed them away and refused to see either of them.

  Christian: Hey. I know it’s been a while and I know you probably don’t want to talk or anything. Mom’s wondering if you want to join us for dinner tonight. It’s Dad’s birthday and we’d love to see you, Caroline.

  I read the text message over and over again. Every year for Rick’s birthday, Evan, Christian and I take the family to Hedges for dinner. It’s been a tradition since Evan and I started dating and the Reeds took me in as their own.

  Needing my mother’s help, I call her and pour myself a glass of wine. Luckily she doesn’t live too far and I can see them whenever, but I’ve been an asshole and neglecting the people who love me.

  “Hi, honey,” my mom’s gentle voice comes on the line.

  “Hi, Mom. Can you come over?”

  “Caroline, are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I answer her. “I’m okay, I think. Just need your advice.”

  “Okay, honey, I’m on my way over.”

  Disconnecting the call I head upstairs to take a quick shower and change into shorts and a loose shirt. Putting on some light makeup I fluff my hair and pinch my cheeks so I don’t look so pale. I know my mom’s going to comment on how I look and ask if I’m eating well. She’s a mom. She’s my mom and she cares about me.

  Hearing the door open I finish pouring her a glass of red wine and smile when my mom walks into the kitchen. She sets down her purse, sits on the barstool and takes her glass. After taking a slow sip she just looks at me and I start drinking my wine and playing with my glass as something to occupy myself with. I hate when she’s quiet and just looks at me. It’s creepy.

  “Something’s bothering you,” she says. “Something happened and you’re confused.”

  “Mom, you’re not a psychic.”

  “Your energy is lost.”

  “Or a healer! Can you please be my mom for two seconds?”

  “Okay.” She smiles and takes my hand. “What’s going on?”

  I explain to her about Christian and not seeing the Reeds since Evan’s death. She listens and nods her head and I know her mind is going up and down trying to figure out what to tell me. I know I shouldn’t ignore them, but they’re a piece of Evan I can’t bring myself to be part of. It’s strange and really bitchy of me. When I see Rick or Christian I immediately see Evan. He’s a spitting image of his dad and Christian acts the same as his brother. Then I see Mary and I want to fall apart. Evan was her baby and he was their miracle.

  After Christian was born, Rick and Mary were told they couldn’t have any more kids because it was likely she’d miscarry. Evan wasn’t planned or thought about. One night after some glasses of wine and romance, three months later, Mary found out she was pregnant and since she was categorized as high risk, her appointments with the OB GYN were frequent and scary from what she told me. Every week she and Rick were at the office, looking at the ultrasounds and getting tests done. Mary was on bed rest at twenty-five weeks until she gave birth at thirty-three weeks. Evan was in the NICU for a few weeks because he was having trouble breathing on his own, and Mary was there with him every single day. When Evan died it was as though a piece of Mary went with him. As much as she loved both of her sons, losing Evan was what broke her. I never understood her grief because I’ve never lost a child. I thought losing my husband was unbearable, but seeing Mary, and the light gone from her eyes was honestly too much and I had to stay away. Combined with seeing Rick and Christian it wasn’t good for me to see the Reeds: the family I grew to love and adore.

  “I don’t know what to do, Mom.”

  “I think,” she pauses and carefully thinks about her response. “You need to go. That family is like yours. Even though Evan’s gone you can’t shut yourself away from the world. Now I know you’re doing much better and I have Mason and Tonya to thank for that because, baby girl, you’re scaring me. I’ve given you time to be on your own because you’re an adult and waited for that phone call asking for help, so here I am and I am telling you that you need to go and bring light back into their lives.”

  Without saying a word I give my mom a hug and silently thank her. There’s nothing I can say in
response to her words. She’s right. For months I was a zombie and I shut out everyone near and dear to me. I’m supposed to be living my life. This is what Evan wants.

  Mason: I can leave work and meet you guys.

  Me: No. It’s okay. Honestly, I need to do this and be part of their lives.

  Mason: I’m proud of you, baby. You’re doing a great thing.

  Me: Thanks. I’ll see you in a few hours.

  Mason: Sounds good.

  Putting my phone on silent and in my purse I walk into Hedges and find Christian at the bar wearing fitted gray pants and a white button down. He looks up and gives me a wave and smile.

  “Hi.” I smile and lean into him for a hug. He pulls me in close and kisses the side of my head.

  “So good to see you. How’s everything going?”

  “It’s going,” I whisper. “Day by day, you know?”

  “I know.” He places his arm around my shoulders and we walk to the table to find Mary and Rick waiting. Their smiles brighten up the room and we share hugs and pleasantries before sitting down.

  I fill them in on as much as I can, telling them about Mason and trying to figure things out for myself.

  “That’s wonderful news, Caroline.” Mary smiles and places her hand on mine. “I know it’s been a very difficult time for you.” I silently nod. “Please don’t think you can’t come to us.”

  “I just don’t want to bring you any more pain or sadness. I remind you too much of Evan.”

  “No,” Rick tells me. “You are part of us, Caroline. You were Evan’s love and wife. We love you like our own. Don’t ever think for one second we blame you or will be sad around you. Truth be told we’ve been sad because we feel like we lost you.”

  “And I’m sorry about that. That wasn’t my intention at all. It’s so hard to go through the day and night. I have Tonya and Mason and things are going well.”

  “Mason.” Mary smiles. “Now how is he doing?”

  “Really well.” I smile and tell them more about what he’s been up to, but leave out whatever’s going on between us. They don’t need to know.

  After ordering our food we get into more comfortable conversations and Christian leads it by telling us about going back to school for his PhD in Political Science. Mary and Rick want to travel more and we talk about different places that would be good to visit.

  When our food comes the conversation becomes more lively and I realize I’ve been wrong about them. Yes they’re sad, but they’re moving on just like I am. It hits me that I can’t ignore Evan and his memories. I’ll need to do more and be more.

  The night comes to an end and we say our goodbyes. Mary tells me not to be a stranger and Rick winks at me.

  “Whatever you need please don’t be scared to let me know,” Christian says. “I’m always here for you.”

  “Thanks Christian. That means a lot.”

  “Good.”

  Christian walks me to my car and I notice it’s still a little early, so I go to Wegmans to pick up food and energy drinks for Mason. He’s working so much and I know he’ll appreciate this.

  Driving to the station I walk in and see Devin and Mason looking through stacks of papers. They look busy and I hate that I’m here bothering him. Just as I’m about to leave I hear Devin say my name. Turning around I see Mason’s smile as he gets up to come to me.

  “How was dinner?”

  “Good. Really good. I thought you’d be hungry so I got you some things. A lot of it is cold because prepared was closed down, but it all looks good. I would’ve ordered you something to go from Hedges, but Rick paid and I didn’t want to ask. Sorry I couldn’t bring you something fresh.”

  “Baby,” he smiles, “this is enough. Thank you for doing this.”

  “You’re welcome. I know you’re busy so I’ll get out of your way.”

  “I’m sorry, I wish I could give you more time. I’ll see you in the morning okay?”

  “Okay.” I wait for Mason to do something, but he doesn’t. Instead he gives my hand a squeeze and walks me to my car.

  When I’m home and walking through the garage door I hear my phone and see that it’s Mason.

  Mason: I’m sorry. I wanted to kiss you, but didn’t know how comfortable you’d be.

  A sigh of relief leaves me and I shake my head. Of course he’s thinking about me. He’s always thinking about me.

  Me: It’s okay. Really, I’m fine. =)

  Mason: Okay good. I miss you.

  Me: I miss you too.

  Waking up slowly so Mason doesn’t get interrupted from his sleep I get ready and quietly leave the room. I need to visit Evan’s grave and talk to him. I need to see him and feel him. It’s been a while since I’ve felt him near me and maybe that’s a sign-a good sign.

  Driving to the cemetery I walk the short distance and set down the bouquet of flowers and notice his grave looks clean as if someone’s been here. I don’t think too much about it. Christian and his parents are often here.

  “Hey, Evan,” I whisper and lean in to kiss his tombstone. “So I know it’s been a while and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long. It’s almost been a year since you left us. How’s Heaven? Are you watching over me? Watching over your family and friends?” I smile thinking about how at peace Evan must be and that gives me a peace of mind that he’s okay. I talk a little more and feel comfortable about what I’m saying. “I’m sure you know about Mason and me. I hope that’s okay. I hope you’ll like my choice. It wasn’t intentional at all so please don’t think I liked him before. It just happened.”

  An hour goes by when I kiss his tombstone again and whisper that I love him. Turning around I’m startled by the woman standing before me.

  “Can I help you?”

  “You’re Caroline.”

  “Yes,” I slowly say. “And you are?”

  “You don’t know me,” the mystery woman says, “and I hate that we’re meeting like this.”

  “Okay . . . I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude, but how do you know me?” Before she can answer I notice the picture she’s holding in her hand and cock my head to get a better view. “How do you know me?” I slowly ask again with gritted teeth and slow anger. I’m seeing things.

  She notices me looking at the picture and hands it to me. “Evan and I were together.”

  Taking the picture from her hands I see them together. They’re smiling and clearly so in love. He’s holding her from behind and kissing her cheek. The picture shows snow and they’re bundled up nice and warm.

  “What is this? Who are you?” Taking a closer look at the picture I notice a very noticeable bump. “Who. .are. .you?”

  “I’m Alisha and Evan and I met in California.”

  California? His bachelor party?

  “We met a club and hooked up, then after we started talking more I went to visit him. I didn’t know about you or that you two were getting married until I was seven months pregnant and he told me the truth. He broke it off which caused me to go into premature labor and our baby was in the NICU for two months,” she starts to tell me and I have the sudden urge to punch her in the face and yell at her for lying, but what she’s telling me isn’t making me feel angry or violent. “He came out to California to visit our daughter, Lila, a few times, but he always left.”

  “Evan came to see you and his daughter?”

  “Yes.”

  All the times he left for the weekend for golf or a sporting event and I never questioned it. I never thought anything of it. Here I am, at my husband’s grave, listening to his mistress tell me about their love child and his infidelity.

  “I heard you talking about Mason. How is he?”

  “You know Mason?” I seethe and stare at her. Now the violence and anger quickly come back to the surface. “How?”

  “Mason he ah came up one time and left as soon as he saw Lila. I only met him briefly. I know they were best friends. Now you guys are together?”

  “That’s none of your business. How dare
you come to me about this? This. .I mean you’re telling me my husband cheated on me with you and you two have a baby together? And now you live here in Webster? Why?”

  “I moved for a job, a month before he died, and he never knew. I tried getting back with him,” she cried and I almost want to laugh at her sadness. “He dismissed me and gave me money every month for Lila. She’ll never know her dad.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because you’re my only connection to Evan and Mason. If you could please take me to see Mason I would appreciate that.”

  “Why the hell. .” I stop before I can finish. Mason’s been holding this secret for Evan and never once thought about telling me. He never once thought I’d want to know my asshole husband was cheating and has a baby. “You know what?” I smile sweetly. “Follow me.”

  Leaving the cemetery I vow to never come back and see his name. Evan’s lucky he’s gone because if he were alive I’d kill him myself.

  We’d been together since high school. All through high school and college. I helped him get through his tests and helped him graduate. Everything we shared is tainted and disgusting. How could he do this to us?

  Alisha follows me to my house and my hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter. I’m going to kill Mason Ryan.

  “Follow me,” I tell Alisha when we get to my house. Opening the front door I hear Mason in the kitchen and pray there are no sharp items around him because I’ll intend on using it to stab the ever loving shit out of him. “Mason!”

  “Yeah, baby?”