by Clare Ashton
She could still hear his voice in the kitchen. It boomed over the rest of the party. He waved his arms around, emphasising some victory he related to her father. Richard smiled politely as Bill roared with laughter.
He seemed incongruous. Too loud, and taking up too much space. Bill wasn’t meant to be here. Jude couldn’t remember the last time he’d visited and she couldn’t make him belong in the scene.
“Here you go, darling.” The words felt alien in her mouth.
“Cheers,” Bill said, looking at the glass for a moment then back to Richard.
Absently, he tugged her to his side, his fingers catching in a pinch beneath her ribs. Jude winced as he drew her in. She folded her arms, more like a doll than a person at his side, uncomfortable in herself and his presence. What was Bill doing here?
Chapter 5.
Maggie wrung her hands as she paced the party, asking after everyone, listening to no-one. There was only Eli left to arrive – her beautiful rascal of a son.
She watched Jude clutched to her boyfriend’s side and Abby fetching drinks for guests. What a contrast they were, Jude with her dutiful hug then Abby’s overflowing affection whenever she greeted Maggie. The dear girl held tight, as if you were the most precious soul alive, appreciating how ephemeral beings were. And how right she was. Maggie counted her blessings she had Abby in her life, the girl she’d taken in all those years ago and now more integral to her daily routine than her own daughter.
Jude took Maggie for granted. Maggie was always there whenever Jude needed, which she never did anymore. But although Maggie loved the appreciation Abby showed, she wouldn’t have wished it on Jude – it was an intensity that came from an ever-present anxiety about death.
Jude put her arm around her beau. How far away she seemed. Maggie could remember, as if a blink of an eye had passed, that Jude would cling around Maggie’s neck for her dear young life.
How did the same tiny girl curled on her lap turn into the bright, independent woman who managed people’s health? Maggie was proud and devastated at the same time. Richard had maintained his position of respect, always an involved parent although never with the same fierce love as Maggie’s – a love that had once nurtured and inspired but one, it seemed, that must be rejected to gain independence.
It never changed for Maggie. How was she meant to let go?
Sometimes, instead of having a single daughter, it felt as if she were grieving the loss of hundreds. The baby that clung to her little finger. The toddler who squealed with delight at her first steps. The small girl who said “I love you” for the first time with no ceremony and without realising it almost broke Maggie’s heart with joy. The teenager who broke down when she needed Mum one last time. It was like her daughter disappeared over and over again. All those incredible people who Maggie would never meet again, some of whom were remembered only by her. And she felt colossal loneliness at the realisation.
Maggie gasped. She’d thought she couldn’t lose Jude anymore, but the divorce would push her further away. Jude would have an excuse to see Richard alone. No need to put up with her mother to see her father. Maggie trembled. How the hell was she meant to do this?
Eli would be here soon. She breathed out, long and hard. Would he bring someone? Did he have a latest squeeze with the resilience to face Maggie? Although he didn’t avoid conversation as zealously as Jude, he wasn’t home long enough for Maggie to picture his life. She remembered the great bear of a man he’d brought home last time. It was impossible to know what to expect with Eli – a bear, a beautiful waif, an intellectual, a singer, a soldier – he was omnivorous.
All that worry about little Jude being gay and all the time, behind Maggie’s back, she'd had a pansexual boy flourishing. Maggie would receive his girlfriends with elation, then die a little at anyone else, all the while Eli laughing it off and disappearing in a whirlwind. And Maggie decided the best policy was to let Eli blow through them all.
They’d expected Jude to be a boy, Maggie remembered, as she gazed at her gorgeous girl across the room. A mischievous umbilical cord had been masquerading as a penis during the scan. The nursery upstairs had been painted blue with white fluffy clouds and the very healthy and very large boy in the scan turned out to be a strapping baby girl with the physique of her father – a stature which worried Maggie and made Richard proud.
Maggie had fretted. She’d loved the name Jude. Richard told her to keep it, make her a Judith, but Maggie didn’t want to burden her with the masculinity.
“She’ll be whatever she’ll be,” Richard had said, with a rare cross word.
All those years worrying about her big, butch daughter and look at her. That hair came through in her teens and Jude rounded with curvaceous hips and thighs and Maggie had finally stopped fretting.
Eli, on the other hand, they’d expected to be a girl, smaller and slight like his mother, and apparently shy about revealing himself on the scan, a reticence he shed early after birth and eschewed for the rest of his life. The beautiful boy was a terror, although easy on the eye and easier on the cervix.
Where was he? Who would he bring to thwart her? All those beautiful boys and exquisite people he’d paraded mischievously in front of her, all the while knowing her opinion, still enchanting and doting on her. And how Maggie’s heart ached for them all, terrified for their future.
But her terror didn’t run so deep for Eli as it had for Jude, or now for Abby. The man had the resilience of an ox. He’d never be as vulnerable as a woman. And Maggie clutched her belly, feeling sick at the thought.
“Oh God.” Maggie trembled.
All these people. She’d have to face them when Eli arrived. Their view of her would change forever with one simple announcement. Her sister would be horrified. Her nephews confused.
I’m no longer a wife she’d say. I’m less than I was. I’m a mother who is no longer needed. A teacher who no longer teaches. A daughter who is avoided. I’m nothing I used to be.
Richard lay his hands on her shoulders. “Are you ready?”
“No, I’m not fucking ready. I’m not doing it. I can’t.”
Richard squeezed her gently. “That’s fine. We’ll do it in private, one person at a time. It’s by far the best.”
“I’m not telling anyone. Let’s keep it a secret. You go on seeing Caroline. I really don’t care.”
“Mags,” he said.
She knew that tone. That despairing tone. He communicated the weight of exasperation through his fingers on her shoulder.
“We have to be honest with the kids at least,” Richard said.
“Oh bugger the kids. Eli’s never home and Jude runs off to Abby’s at the first opportunity.”
“Maggie–”
“I’m not telling them,” she snapped. “Long gone are the days where I felt compelled to be honest for the sake of their moral development. They’re as immoral or upstanding as they’re going to be. We can happily lie to them for the rest of our lives.”
“They will notice at some point. What if they see me with Caroline? How do you think Jude will feel seeing her father apparently unfaithful?”
“I don’t care. Jude will get her bloody moral compass around it somehow. The sun shines out of your derriere as far as she’s concerned. Let’s keep it to ourselves unless we have to. It’s for the best. If Eli knows you’re on the market, he’ll drag you off to God knows where to fulfil your sexual potential. And that will only end in tears or a course of antibiotics. We near enough live together, let’s not bother.”
“Maggie.” It was a firm voice. “It’s time.”
All the air seemed to disappear from her body and her spirit deflated.
“Like this, or privately,” Richard murmured, “but it is time.” And he walked away.
The doorbell rang. Maggie inhaled and lifted her chest. She stood waiting while Abby answered the door. A squeal of delight came from down the hall. It must be Eli.
When Abby ran back into the room she had a huge smile
on her face. The dear girl, how she wore her emotions for everyone to see. Abby was holding the hand of someone shorter, then they both appeared. They looked so similar at first, Maggie was confused which was her son. Two beautiful beings in tuxedoes with dark slicked-back hair.
“He’s here,” Abby cried, then stepped back for all to admire the fresh couple.
They stood proud and divine, the centre of attention. Eli to the right, slightly taller and broader, his partner to the left. Maggie noticed the faint shape of breasts beneath the starched shirt. Female partner? It had been a while since Eli had dated a woman but that wasn’t what shocked Maggie.
Eli’s heart-shaped face, the mirror of Maggie’s in her youth, had never smiled like that. And the girl, the exquisite androgynous girl, with cheek bones that could entrance an artist, wore the same expression. She was a beautiful elfin woman with inky eyelashes and hair so dark as to be ebony. The barest sprinkle of freckles touched her skin and eyes as dark as coal scanned the room. Eli turned to her and cupped her face, a soft look of understanding and appreciation on his.
They were in love. Real love.
That had been Maggie once. She’d stood in a couple resembling that picture so closely it hurt. She could remember that fresh, invincible love. The smile on a flushed face, the kind you cannot hide when you hopelessly adore the person beside you. How you cannot help reaching for their touch. Everything had seemed possible. Everything to live for.
Maggie could feel her heart imploding. As her son was revelling in his new life, Maggie must announce the death of hers. Her heart grieved not only for her old life coming to an end, but all life’s possibilities.
She stepped forward readying herself for an announcement as Eli did the same.
“This is Selene,” he declared, holding his partner’s hand proudly. “My fiancée.”
Chapter 6.
You couldn’t hear a pin drop, but it was awfully quiet. The cessation of chatter, the shuffle of fabric as people snapped round, a nephew asking, “What’s a fun say?”, the pale shock on Maggie’s face, Celia muttering, “What the devil is he talking about?”
Jude laughed, the loudest sound in the room. Oh her little brother had a penchant for the dramatic.
“Congratulations,” she said, clapping her hands together.
She had no doubt Eli meant this. The affection and admiration between them was palpable. He hadn’t brought her for shock value. The room seemed to relax at Jude’s reaction and conversation began to rumble through the room.
She strode toward him arms outstretched and pulled him under her shoulder. “You bugger,” she said grinning. “You bloody buggering bugger.”
“Ha!” Eli threw back his head. “You are our mother’s daughter.” And he gestured to the still immobile Maggie.
“Congratulations, Eli,” Abby said, shuffling in. “And to you, Selene.” She gave Eli’s beaming partner a hug.
“Welcome to the Goodmans,” Jude said. “You are in for a ride. But having met Eli first, I’m guessing you knew that.”
Selene returned Abby’s hug and put out a hand to Jude. “It’s a pleasure,” she said, her voice smooth and gentle with a touch of a European accent. “I’ve been looking forward to it.”
“It will be good to know you more, because Eli hasn’t said a single,” and she gently slapped the back of Eli’s head, “bloody”, another slap, “word,” and one for luck.
“Do you know, Selene,” Eli smirked, “that my dear sister is a respectable doctor and clean-spoken citizen, except with her poor brother who she beats mercilessly and denigrates with foul words. It offends my sensibilities,” he said, feigning offence with a hand covering his heart.
“Bollocks, you little shit,” Jude replied. And Eli laughed, no doubt proud of what he could elicit in his well-behaved sister.
People were pointing and chatting. But Maggie was still frozen, Celia bothering her with questions she didn’t seem to hear. Jude shared a look of concern with Abby and her friend understood, taking Maggie and Celia by the hand, responding to the latter and holding the former. Jude couldn’t see her father anywhere.
“Tell me,” Jude said, turning a smile on the lovers. “Where did you meet?”
“Well Selene was destitute when I found her in Paris,” Eli said solemnly. “A poor country girl come to make her fortune, falling prey to an older man and forced to sell her body to save money for the journey back home.”
Jude raised an eyebrow.
Selene's lips curled in the corner. “I found him in the gutter after a night of too much Cognac and doing who knows what.”
“I know which version I believe.” Jude could now discern with confidence the French accent that mellowed Selene’s voice. “What possessed you,” Jude continued, “to come to this depraved young man’s aid?”
“Poor judgement,” Eli interjected. “And you haven’t asked what she was doing in the gutter at the time?”
Selene looked at him indulgently. “We met on a post-graduate course of lectures at the Sorbonne while he was writing up his PhD and I was visiting.”
“Selene’s mother was delivering the lectures,” Eli said. “And it was a series on the Cathars and I was desperate to catch them. And, no offense to Selene’s mother, people say she is one of the most captivating professors in the university, but all I saw was Selene sitting in the front row. I swear I didn’t hear a word.”
“And,” Selene pointed to her chest, “I swear I could feel him staring at me. I turned around to check, quickly in case he tried to look away and pretend he wasn’t. But he grinned. Waved. Stood up and gestured for me to come and join him. My mother was furious at him for disturbing the lecture and threw him out.”
“Wow,” Jude said. “That’s almost romantic. And good for your mother quite frankly. But how did you get together?”
“It was a few days later,” Eli added, “that she found me in the gutter.”
“It’s true,” Selene said. “He is a disgusting individual.”
Dead-pan, Jude addressed Selene, “You still haven’t said what you were also doing in the gutter.”
Selene laughed. “You are your brother’s sister also.”
She was right. Although they had very different personalities, when Eli and Jude came together it was like a celebration of the aspects they shared. He brought out her playful side.
Jude hugged Eli to her side. “I’ve missed you, you little prick.”
“Missed you, thunder thighs.”
“Eli,” their father boomed as he strode toward them. He must have been drinking and he smelled of cigars.
Jude peered around trying to spy Maggie, Celia or Abby but it was Bill she found trailing after her father, apparently caught up on drinks. An end of a cigar smouldered between his fingers.
“Dad?” Jude said, wrinkling her nose. “What have you been doing?”
“Sssh,” he said, with his finger to his lips. “Don’t tell Maggie.”
“I won’t have to. It stinks.”
“Oh come on, Jude. Just the one. I know as a doctor you think it unhealthy–”
“You should know as a human being with more than one working neuron.”
“See,” Eli grinned at Selene. “Responsible doctor.”
“I would never have guessed you could have such a sibling,” Selene quipped.
“When you meet my mother, all will become apparent.”
“And Bill, come on,” Jude said. “You can’t bring that in here.”
Bill shrugged, his eyes wandering lazily with the drink, and dropped the stub into his glass of Champagne.
“I’m the responsible father,” Richard said to Selene, offering a hand, “and you, it appears, have the misfortune of knowing my male progeny.”
“Dad,” Jude whispered, although there was no way of it avoiding everyone’s ears. “Selene and Eli are engaged.”
Richard made a mouth as if to congratulate, but no words issued. It seemed a universal reaction to the engagement. Richard shook
his head and proceeded to shake Selene’s hand. “Not married then. Good,” he said solemnly. “So it’s not too late for you.”
“Dad!” Eli erupted. “What the…?” Eli looked incredulously at Jude as if questioning where Richard’s new-found cheek had come from. Jude had wondered the same.
“Married,” Bill blundered in. “You? Eli? You’re getting married?”
And not for the first time that evening Jude thought Bill incongruous here. In fact nothing felt right about this evening: Eli getting married; Her father joking and smoking; Maggie in some paroxysm somewhere and Abby, dear Abby, perhaps the only one who was being herself.
“Hey, Bill,” Eli said, a little stiff, perhaps embarrassed by Bill’s state. “Who’d have thought I’d beat you to settling down.”
Bill roared with laughter and slapped Eli on the back, too hard.
“So when’s the big day?” Bill asked.
“Next year in the summer we think.” At this Eli nodded to Selene for her approval. “We want a woodland wedding with a humanist service.”
“Is that some kind of new-age shit or something?” Bill asked.
Jude cringed inside. She didn’t like this side of Bill. He wasn’t usually so boorish.
“Yes, Bill, some new-age shit, in the summer.” Eli exchanged another look with Jude. She could only shake her head.
“Then there’s still time,” Bill said, seeming proud of himself. “Jude and I could still beat you.”
“Are you two..?”
“No,” Jude said. “Bill’s joking. You haven’t missed anything.”
“Things are changing though,” Bill added. “I’m a partner now. And why not? We should do it.”
“Joking,” Jude mouthed to Eli.
“We’ll have the money to buy a house,” Bill blundered on. “I’m going to be home at the weekends. So how about it, Jude? Isn’t it about time we got hitched?”
“I…” Jude didn’t know what to say with him in this state.
