by Clare Ashton
She looked towards Jude. “She thought I’d deserted her at her most vulnerable when we should have been enjoying the tender anticipation of a new family. That kind of pain and betrayal destroys your faith in people, and I understand why she became fixated on her misguided beliefs.”
“But why?” Jude said, her curiosity getting the better of her. “Why didn’t you fix it? How could you leave her then?”
Juliette winced at the question.
“I’m sorry. It’s just Dad said a friend forced you apart. It’s none of my business–”
“Of course it’s your business.” Juliette gave her a shattered look. “I would have been your mother.”
Jude twitched back with the force of Juliette’s grief. If nothing else had convinced Jude of Maggie and Juliette’s affection and the power of their relationship then this certainly did. She could see it in the older woman’s eyes and the way she cradled Maggie’s hand to her heart.
“I had everything to lose and no assurance I could keep it,” Juliette said. “I had a woman I adored as much as any husband loved a wife. A child I was ready to give my life for but with whom I had no familial rights. I was already terrified I would lose you both. I imagined you and Maggie steadily bonding with the other biological parent, and I would be the odd one out – the one the child never resembled, the one whose parents wouldn’t be called Grandmother and Grandfather, the mother who couldn’t sign forms as a parent. Always on the outside.”
Juliette gazed at her. “Despite every fear, I still wanted you and Maggie with all my heart. But that came crashing down when I saw Richard together with Maggie, his hands stroking Maggie’s tummy, protective of their baby. My friend confirmed the worst, and it felt like I was dying. ”
“Didn’t you want to fight for her?”
Juliette let out a tired laugh. “I thought I’d walk to the ends of the earth for Maggie. And I was sure it was the same for her. But when she was expecting suddenly all the stakes seemed higher. Maggie would no longer be my whole world. That world was about to get bigger and more magical. A longed-for daughter was soon to arrive and Maggie would no longer simply be my lover but the mother of my child.
“Already she was in love with you. You were growing inside her and she could feel your little feet pushing out her belly. It was almost as miraculous for me, but I couldn’t touch you like she did. I was waiting, impatient, to hold you in my arms and finally have you next to me. Then I saw it all being taken away.”
She looked at Jude with unwavering despair. “Did you ever love someone so much, found the thought of losing them so unbearable, that you almost wished you’d never met them? Have you needed someone so acutely it seemed less painful to leave rather than live with the fear of losing them?”
Jude didn’t respond.
“That’s how I felt about you and Maggie as the birth approached. And when I saw Richard and Maggie together I had a choice – to meet you and fall in love irrevocably with my small family then have that love denied for the rest of my life. Thank God we all have more rights now. The already privileged underestimate the improvement of quality of life they bring. But back then, with nothing, I chose to run.”
Juliette stood straighter. “It was self-preservation that made me leave. I had every reason to believe I would lose you both right there in front of my eyes; Tiff made sure of that. But like many acts of self-preservation it ended up hurting me more.”
Jude didn’t know what to say. She’d had such devoted and complete parents in Maggie and Richard it was hard to fathom another losing out.
Juliette pursed her lips in a resigned smile. “Of course, later I had Selene, and from that moment I could no longer regret anything in my life. But I thought of you many times over the years.” Her eyes sparkled. “When I arrived in Ludbury, it made me so happy to see how you had turned out. I can understand why Maggie is so proud.”
Jude couldn’t help a dismissive laugh. “Oh believe me, Maggie’s far from proud.”
Juliette’s frown gave away her confusion.
“She’s had some choice things to say about me recently.”
“About your relationship with Abby?”
“Yes.”
Juliette shook her head. “She was coming round to it. Please be patient.”
“They were harsh words.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything else from Maggie Goodman. But anything she complained of, compared with the depth of her love and esteem for her beautiful daughter, would have been as inconsequential as raindrops on a flower. And sometimes those imperfections are as stunning as jewels if viewed in the right light.”
Jude smiled. Not at Juliette’s reassurance that Maggie was proud, but at show well suited Juliette and her mother were. Maggie’s fire and energy were balanced by Juliette’s cool serenity. They fitted.
“It sometimes breaks her heart that you no longer need her,” Juliette continued. “It is always the way – one of life’s harshest acts. It is such a remarkable force, a child’s love and the mother’s returned. It’s so brutal that the child’s love must change while the mother carries on devoted. It’s a debt only collected a generation later when it is repaid in cruel kind.”
Chapter 44.
Maggie had woken in the night in unexpected pain, and after some quick ministrations and a hefty dose of morphine was now drifting in and out under a drug-fuelled haze.
She’d gazed at Jude, drunk on her medication, and said something about bananas or bandanas. Jude suspected neither were of consequence, and in the early hours it was Jude who was wide awake and Maggie asleep.
Eli wandered in at breakfast time, looking grey with insomnia, and Maggie was still no more coherent. Eli mocked Maggie’s confusion mercilessly all day. She would get her revenge though, and Jude knew him well enough to understand he was only distracting himself from anxiety, and they sat either side of the bed into the evening when Maggie slumbered again.
“The meeting,” Jude said, suddenly. “About the church? It’s today isn’t it.”
Eli nodded. “I tried putting something together last night, but my head’s a mess. It was Mum who knew the details and it’s Mum who everyone respects.”
“Is anyone going?” Jude said, concerned.
“Caroline’s presenting plans for the church and said she’d try to muddle through the courtyard proposal.”
“Shit. I’m sorry Eli.”
Jude looked at Maggie and her brother knowing how much this development meant to both. The timing was rotten.
“Mum put so much work into this,” Eli said, then he looked at Jude with a sparkle in his eye. “Until this project, I didn’t realise quite how charming people found Mum.”
“Charming?” Jude laughed. It wasn’t a word she associated with her mother.
Eli smiled. “Yes, she’s brusque, and outspoken, and she rants and she rages. But it’s honest. You know she means every word and you never have to watch your back with Maggie Goodman, because she’ll say everything to your face.”
“And this makes her charming?”
“Yes, because when she gives you a compliment, and she will, she never holds back on anything, you know she means it.”
Jude still didn’t quite believe him.
“Have you seen people when Mum gives them praise?” The sad sparkle in his eyes was heart-breaking. “It’s like they grow. She’s generous with encouragement. We benefitted from it as children, don’t you remember? And you won’t find a bigger heart or anyone who cares like she does. Yes, there are those in Ludbury who show their local pride with nice pansies on the roundabout. But if you want someone who really gives a shit about its people then that’s Mum. ”
Eli stood up and walked around to Jude. “I know you and Mum have your moments, sis, but she has a big heart and I think it’s in the right place.”
They both looked towards the dozing and babbling Maggie, with her large and slightly broken heart.
“Come on,” Jude said. “Maggie’s stable. Let’s go to the
meeting. We can at least be supportive. And maybe we can heckle Mrs Petty’s presentation on her behalf.”
Eli sniggered.
The church, for the first time since Christmas, was full. The vicar, two other members of the clergy and a sombre man in a suit tapping at a tablet sat at the front. Every single pew was occupied. It surprised Jude how many faces she recognised. Mrs Malady, a permanent fixture in Ludbury, sat at the front with what Jude guessed were several little grand Maladys and their parents. The Patels. Dean, the builder for the project, and his Dad were there too. A large bunch of teenagers still in their school uniform took up two pews and were rapt with attention. The girl from the square, Amelia, waved from between her parents. Staff from behind supermarket tills who Jude had simply greeted but whom her mother engaged every time she shopped.
The meeting was well underway and Jude assumed most of the presentations complete. They squeezed onto a back bench while Caroline stood before the panel explaining the finances for purchase of the church building itself.
“My husband was a long-standing member of the congregation until two years ago,” Caroline explained, “and a large part of the funding will be from the sale of my husband’s assets. He would have found it fitting that he could save this cherished building for the use of the community. Plans include shelving for the east end of the nave to house books from the old library. The two sizable aisles will be sympathetically separated to provide rooms for multiple purposes. We have interest from groups as diverse as DJ Youth and Tea Dance Pensioners. I find it heartening that the people of Ludbury will have a shared space and hope over time those groups will explore each other’s interests. And with funds to be raised in the future, we propose a small annexe to house a multi-faith centre.”
Caroline took her seat to thoughtful nods from the panel, but a single strident voice echoed across the nave. “This is a Christian site. These plans are sacrilegious and offensive. I must voice my objections– ”
“Mrs Petty,” the vicar said calmly. “Please keep your objections to the proposal for the end of the presentation. They will be heard.”
The irate neighbour and Maggie’s arch enemy took her seat again with a clatter.
“Please continue with your proposal for the courtyard development,” the vicar said.
Jude could feel Eli sag despondent next to her, but they both lifted higher in their seats when they saw who stood for the presentation. It was Abby.
The audience seemed far from shocked though. Recognition and smiles of regard spread across their faces from the front to the back of the church. It had struck Jude before how highly people regarded Maggie, but it was with a sense of pride, and not a little shame, she realised they also held Abby in the same highest esteem. Jude had underestimated both.
“I am Dr Hart,” Abby introduced herself. “I am a GP in the town surgery. I treat everyone from landed gentry to the homeless. I’ve worked in Ludbury for several years and the decline in health of the town has been marked over that period. There are many reasons, but when people either have nowhere to live or pay so much they can no longer afford to eat, their health suffers. And while that suffering in itself is intolerable, it also puts pressure on a health service which we all need.
“Mrs Goodman cannot be here today, but together with a local builder she has proposed what they hope will be the first in several co-operative developments, where groups buy unused buildings and make them habitable for local residents, with a high proportion of affordable and social housing and micro-homes to house the most urgent of cases.
“Property, more and more, has been turned into a business, but its most important function is as a home. Social housing has been sold off and private sector rent is no longer capped. It’s no surprise this leaves people without a roof over their heads. When it comes to housing it can’t be left simply to market forces. Markets don’t care about people, but we should.
“Everyone should have food and a roof over their head. That they don’t in twenty-first century Ludbury and England is barbaric. I hope the panel will consider Mrs Goodman’s plans.”
“Well this is insufferable.” Mrs Petty had jumped to her feet. “This is personal greed wrapped in a philanthropic sweetener.”
The audience grumbled.
Mrs Petty turned vicious, with almost a snarl twitching at her lips. “Mrs Goodman is trying to get her son a flat in the courtyard,” she snapped. “There’s no difference between this proposal and mine. But my son is a God-fearing member of society. It’s disgusting that these hallowed grounds be overrun with the likes of the immoral Goodmans. And you know what I’m talking about Caroline Argent.”
Jude wanted to leap to her feet to defend Abby, but Eli held her back.
Unruffled, Abby considered the protest. “It is no secret that Eli Goodman is part of the co-operative. But that wasn’t Mrs Goodman’s initial motivation.” Abby took stock again before carrying on. “Maggie Goodman saw a need in this town and wants to keep it for the majority rather than the few. She’s done this all her life. She looks out for the children at school and everyone she meets.” Abby turned back to nods rippling across the audience from Mrs Malady to the intrigued teenagers.
“And I can vouch for Mrs Goodman’s generosity personally,” Abby continued. “When I came here, I’d lost all of my small family, and without someone like Maggie,” Jude could hear the emotion in Abby’s voice, “I’m not sure I’d be standing here today able to serve you as a doctor.
“I think that’s the difference between the proposals. Yes, Mrs Goodman may be doing this for her son, but she also realises he’s not the only son in the village, or the only daughter, or grandmother who needs a home.”
You could hear a pin drop.
“Maggie may not be a perfect woman,” Abby said, her voice wavering. “But she is a good one and I do not doubt her motivation.”
The audience shuffled, nodding and quietly applauding Abby’s words. Jude stared at Abby, full of so many thoughts and feelings. She wanted to rush to her and tell her every single one.
“This is ridiculous,” Mrs Petty said. “These are not God-fearing people. These lands are Christian and should be kept as such. And that the proposal is financed by the Argents is tantamount to desecration. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your sinful visits with Mr Goodman, before your husband is even in his grave.”
Caroline stood with enviable poise, steadied by a kind touch from Abby.
“Mrs Petty,” Caroline said firmly. “If you insist on making this personal then here it is: my husband no longer recognises me. He hasn’t for over a year. He thinks I’m a random old woman who visits and he makes inappropriate comments to our daughter who resembles me in my youth. It’s the most degrading, humiliating and cruellest kind of death – a vicious disease for the entire family. And, mark my words, yes, when I meet my maker I will be having a word about it. But my husband never had any doubts. The church will be financed in his name, not mine. I am not my husband. And he is not me.”
Jude smiled at Caroline’s forthrightness and wondered whether she and Maggie had more in common than Jude had initially thought. Eli clearly had the same inspiration because he whispered, “Do you think, by any chance, that Dad has a type?”
And speaking of the devil, it was Richard who cleared his throat and offered, “It might be of interest that archaeological finds suggest this site was a place of druid worship long before it was a Christian church. So we already have a precedent for a multi-use and multi-faith site.”
The panel, audience and presenters all broke to discuss matters, the whole church buzzing with excitement and not a little gossip.
Jude pushed through the crowd, peering across the tops of people’s heads trying to find Abby.
“Do you think this has a chance?” Eli said, following her.
“I don’t know,” Jude said. “But I think we have Abby to thank if it does.”
They broke out at the front where the panel and presenters were energetically discu
ssing proposals. Jude gently took Abby’s arm to let her know she was there.
“Hey.” Abby beamed when she saw her. “I didn’t think you’d be able to come.”
Jude could barely speak. “Maggie’s stable,” she stuttered. “We only popped in.”
“How are you?” Abby said softly, coming close and cradling Jude’s face in her hands.
Jude’s eyes flooded warm with tears. “Grateful,” she sniffed. “So very grateful.”
Abby looked confused.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Jude said, and she hugged Abby tight.
Abby laughed quietly beside Jude’s ear before pulling back a little to see her face.
“Of course,” Abby said. “I knew you and Eli would be in no state to present at the meeting, and Maggie never stops rabbiting on about the plans to me, so I knew enough.”
“It’s not just that,” Jude replied. “It’s for everything. For being there for Maggie. For making this your home with my family. For appreciating Maggie for who she is, when I didn’t.”
Abby smiled at her with sympathy in her eyes.
“You’re always there for her,” Jude continued, “always have been.” And not for the first time Jude chilled inside when she imagined what might have happened if not for Abby at the hotel. “You always loved her without question and always forgave her when she was wrong.”
Abby gave a timid shrug. “You and your family were there for me. I will always be there for you.”
Jude gazed at this unassuming woman. How lucky Jude was to know her. A cherished friend for years, a lover beyond her imagination. How calmly Abby had taken a stand in the meeting, a quiet tower of strength. Jude was in awe through to her bones and her esteem for Abby colossal. Abby was a long way from the young woman traumatised by her mother’s loss, now with the loving strength to have saved Jude’s.
“I love you,” Jude said. “I can’t even count the ways that I do.”
It was beyond due that Jude truly recognised the strength of Abby and her support, but she would never overlook it again.
