But Samantha seemed to not get the drift as she pulled back and then tore off her own shirt only to pounce back on him. “I wanted his so bad,” she said as she kissed his lips even though he did not kiss her back, “I knew you were too good for that bitch!”
Nick did not know what to respond so he tried to kiss her back briefly but then he realized how it felt so wrong. Hastily, he pushed her off of him.
“What are you doing?” Samantha asked him, sounding confused.
“I’m sorry,” Nick stuttered, “I should not have come here. This was a bad idea. I need to go.”
“Nick!” Samantha called out getting up now, “She cheated on you, Nick!”
“I love her!” he said to her despite everything inside of him hurting and telling him to not admit it but he could not help it.
He did.
And he always would.
That was the last thought that he had before he bolted right out of her door.
Chapter 10
Hannah's life for the past two weeks had been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows but mostly, she just found herself being lost in thought.
Currently, she sat cross legged on the sofa with a tub of ice cream in her hands next to Kim. Ever since she had found out that she was pregnant, she no longer had the privilege to drown her sorrows in alcohol and so since that was not an option anymore, ice cream had become her new best friend.
Her two best friends were incredibly concerned for her well-being and understood that she should not be left alone for long periods of time. And so, keeping that in mind, Kim had flown in the city to spend the weekend with Hannah.
"Do you want to watch another movie?" Kim asked Hannah, clutching the remote in her hand.
If she agreed, this would be the third movie they would watch this afternoon.
Smiling, Hannah shook her head. "I think I'm good for the day," she said.
There was not a lot of room for conversation between the two of them lately as after the initial breakdown of Hannah crying, she had developed more a shell around her.
She did not want to discuss Nick on the outside even though he was what occupied her thoughts the most.
"Okay, buddy," Kim said with a small sigh, "I'm going to go into the room and start sorting my stuff out okay? I do need to get back today."
Hannah nodded, "Thanks for flying out here, Kim," she told her, "I know I'm not myself these days but I appreciate that you guys try to help me out like this," she said seriously.
"We just want to see you happy again, Hannah," Kim said seriously.
"I know," she replied in a quiet tone, "but hey - you should better start packing."
Kim left a few hours later - ending with several hugs and reassurances to Hannah. While she appreciated her efforts, she remarked to herself how nice it felt to be finally left alone, even if it was just to wallow in her own self-pity.
Hannah had a lot of time to think about stuff in the past few days and she made sure she utilized it.
She had come to make a few decisions which were bold and prominent.
One was that she would finally have to come to terms with the fact that this might be it for her and Nick. While she had always thought that their love was strong enough to withstand any sort of hardship, perhaps this entire thing had finally been the one who overcame it.
She tried putting herself in Nick’s shoes and realized that it must be very difficult for him. And clearly, he had made no attempts to contact her ever since that day on their honeymoon and that told Hannah that he was not yet ready to face this.
And even though it absolutely broke her heart to think of the possibility, she had to recognize that maybe he never will be ready.
The second decision she made was a surprise to even herself. Even though at first the prospect of being pregnant was horrifying and the worst thing to happen to her but over time, the thought had slightly grown on her.
She knew that she wanted children and that was no longer an option for her and Nick. But now that she was pregnant, she thought perhaps this was fates way of giving her a chance. Though it broke her heart to think that one person she loved was taken away from her in the process of it.
Initially, she had considered the possibility of eliminating the baby but the more she thought about doing it, the more sick to the stomach she felt. She knew that what happened was wrong but it did not fare well to her to eliminate one wrong using another.
And so - she had decided she would keep the baby even if it meant that she had to nurse it alone by herself. She knew that she could not ever eliminate it but also, she knew that she could never go through the experience of delivering a baby and then put it up for adoption. It was something she knew she would always think about for the rest of her life if she ever decided to go through with it.
These decisions had not even easy to come by in any regard but Hannah felt satisfied with them.
It was the strangest feeling - the feeling of utter heartbreak that is so devastating it leaves you breathless on nights where you wake up from your sleep thinking you had a bad nightmare but the nightmare does not end, because the nightmare is your reality.
But even still through the pain - perhaps the worst kind of heart ache she had ever experienced in her life, in the depths of her heart she still felt a calm.
That calm was the only thing that was getting her by. The only thing that motivated her to get out of her bed in the mornings to start out her day. Even though her days were morbid, they were still glimmering with the possibility that perhaps she could find it in herself to survive on her own.
Meanwhile, Nick was going through dilemmas of his own. It had been a while now since his encounter with Samantha and even he did not properly understand why he had so vehemently pushed her away from him.
He knew that even if he had decided to go through with her intentions, it would have reaped no dire consequences as what Hannah did to him was far worse.
But still, she was a stain in the fabric of his mind that he could not erase even if he tried all this life. The kind that is so deep that it becomes a part of you and you are unable to distinguish one end from the other.
He found herself missing her most of all. In the small little things and in all of the big ones. His wedding band lay discarded in his drawer in his friend’s house but it never for a second made it presence be forgotten even if it was not there physically.
Nick tried to put himself in Hannah's shoes, even though it hurt too much to even think about the events that might have taken place that night. And he tried to imagine her frame of mind.
Even though he could not bring himself to justify her actions, he began to see that it was not that she wanted to do go behind his back.
Whatever the reality of the situation was, Nick knew one thing that Hannah would never cheat on him purposely.
She had been there for him on his lowest points and she had been there for him on his best. She had been a part of his life for so long, he often wondered if she was now deeply embedded into his system, impossible to root out even if he tried. She was the one constant her life and he knew, deep inside of him, that if this was Nick that made this mistake, she would have taken him back in an instant.
So why was it so hard for Nick to do the same?
He pondered over this question a lot and he did not find an answer.
But the answer came to him in the late hours of the night when he found himself relinquishing control to alcohol. In those moments, he was the most honest and in those moment, she was all that he wanted to go back to.
It was a Sunday night when Nick found himself at the bar again, wasted and out of his wits. That Sunday was just like any else; he still had the same urge to go and see her but what made it so distinct was that this time, he found himself wanting to oblige.
And so he drove over the street where he once used to call home and he found himself with his car parked out the building where their apartment was.
He was there for a long tim
e and he knew that she was alone and that she was home. He tried to fight it but it was him against his heart. And right now, his heart overpowered every other atom of his existence.
Chapter 11
The doorbell rang and Hannah's eyes flickered over to the clock hanging on the wall. It was almost midnight so she wondered who has decided to visit her this late.
Sighing, she got up from her place on the sofa. She had not done much ever since Kim had left to go to the airport this afternoon.
Slowly, she opened her door and then her jaw nearly dropped down to the floor.
"Nick?" she asked.
She did not know what to say next to him or what would be even appropriate for this occasion. All she knew was that seeing him there at that moment felt like the most satisfying release she had gotten in the longest time.
He did not answer and instead just stumbled inside. She followed after him and it seemed that he had already made himself comfortable by taking a seat on the sofa.
Looking at her directly for the first time in weeks, he patted over to the empty place on the sofa next to him for her to occupy.
She complied.
"Hey," she said shyly as she sat down next to him. He did not reply back and just stared at her instead.
His gaze was too intense for her to break and she found herself staring back.
They did not know how long they remained in that position - perhaps it was minutes or maybe even decades - it did not matter because in that moment, time ceased to exist and everything else in the world felt apart to the edges apart from them.
They were the only thing that mattered.
Hannah was not sure who made the move but in the next moment, Nick and Hannah were all over each other. Nicks hands gripped her by the side of her face and his lips descended on her and she responded with the same amount of fervor.
It was emotional and intense - the bittersweet reunion of two lovers that had been apart for far too long. It was not long until clothes started to fly off.
There was a sense of desperation in the way Nicks fingers entangled themselves in her hair and how her own hands gripped at his muscles. An intense desperation that you only resort to when you're not sure if you're ever going to get the opportunity again.
Nick was quick and soon, they were both gasping with pleasure as they met their release. It was quick, intense and vulnerable.
And when it ended, neither Nick nor Hannah knew what to make of it. But at moment in time, it did not matter. For nothing else apart from them mattered.
They had not said more than a few words to each other since meeting again but afterwards, they found comfort in each other’s arms again as Hannah rested her head against Nick’s chest and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer as they fell into a deep slumber.
And for a moment, the briefest second, the balance had been restored and all was right in their world.
--
The morning after is often used to describe a situation that has connotations of being awkward and uncomfortable surrounding it.
And that was true for Nick and Hannah as they woke up not too far from each other the next morning.
For they were so far entangled into each other that it was difficult for the other person not to notice as one of them stirred to consciousness.
They looked at each other as the details of last night's events came flying to them but it was not a feeling of regret. It was an odd feeling that was meant to be closure but instead just pushed them back from closure even more.
Nick made the first move and untangled himself from her and walked out of the room.
Hannah found herself staring at the empty place he left behind in his wake. She felt confused and did not feel that she had a correct handle on the situation. All she knew that he was here. But her paranoia kicked in as she jolted upwards, clutching at blanket up over against her as she wondered where Nick went.
She did not want him to leave just yet. Or ever.
But relief washed over her as after a few moments, Nick walked back into the room but now he was dressed.
She noticed he had his car keys jangling in his hands in front of him.
"Nick," she started off by saying.
"Get up and get dressed," he told her without looking at her directly, “we need to go."
He did not leave much room for questioning but Hannah was more than happy to comply if that meant that they were going to make progress in this standstill they found themselves to occupy.
Soon, Hannah had dressed herself up in her casual clothes and was now in the passenger seat of a car that Nick drove to a destination unknown.
"Where are we going?" She asked him.
He did not reply but then he took a familiar turn that let Hannah know all too well about their destination.
"You're taking us to the beach?" She asked him.
It made sense - the beach one of Nicks calming places. The sound of the sea brought tranquility to his life and he would always find himself being relaxed by the atmosphere. So to go there with an issue that required them to be relaxed in order for it to resolve made sense to Hannah.
They parked over front and Nick walked ahead of Hannah and soon they were in a place that was covered with rocks and sand.
Nick stopped and Hannah followed.
He pushed his hands in his pockets and now, for the first time since last night, looked over directly at her.
"What is it Nick?" she asked him.
"I think we should talk," he replied in a voice far smaller than what she was used to hearing from him. She nodded.
"Of course! That is all I want, too."
Another heavy silence fell upon them once again. They both had a lot they wanted to say to the other but somehow the words did not come out.
Finally, Nick spoke up. "I went to Samantha," he admitted quietly, "After we fought - I was mad at you and I wanted to get back at you. So I went over to Samantha," he said.
Hannah gulped harshly. Even though hearing it made her heart ache, she knew that of all people, she did not have a right to be upset about it.
"I understand," was all that she could manage to conjure up in response.
"Aren't you upset?" he asked her.
"I don't have the right to be upset about this Nick," she said with a sigh, "I regret what happened every day."
"Nothing happened between me and Samantha," Nick admitted, much to Hannah surprise.
"What do you mean?" she asked him incredulously.
"I couldn't do it," he said, his tone now laced with vulnerability, "I tried to - that is why I went there. I thought I would sleep with her in an effort to get back at you but it didn't work. I didn't want her."
Hannah gulped, trying to process this hefty lump of information, "Did she want you?" She knew she had no right to ask this considering how everything took place but she could not help herself.
Nick laughed a mirthless chuckle. “You have been always right about these things,” he said and Hannah knew she was not paranoid to think that Samantha wanted Nick.
"I see," she said, "but I do not care for that Nick. I would be a hypocrite if I hold something against you which I also did. I know you do not want to believe me but trust me when I say this - I did not want to do what I did."
"I know," was all that he said.
"I feel like I messed everything up, Nick," she found herself opening up, "What we had was so beautiful and it was more than I deserved I guess," she said with a sigh.
Nick was quiet the entire time. But then he finally spoke up again.
“What should we do?” he said simply.
Hannah looked back at him, “I want to make this work,” she started, “but I have arrived to a decision and you should know that before we make any sort of resolution.”
“Go on,” Nick told her.
“I have decided that I wanted to keep the baby,” she said finally and looked over hesitantly to gauge Nick’s reaction.
Nick’s face contort
ed into a variety of expressions before settling on one of stoicism, “Are you sure that is your final decision?” he asked her.
She nodded, “I know this is the last way I should have gotten to have one but as I have grown up, I have wanted to have a child of my own more and more. But this was never a topic of conversation for us,” she said, “and now I feel like – this terrible thing happened, yes but perhaps I can get something beautiful out of it.”
Nick pressed his lips together in a hard line, “Are you going to,” he paused, “inform the father?”
Hannah shook her head, “No – I doubt he would want anything to do with it and honestly I do not even remember what he looked like,” she replied.
Nick was silent for a long moment and that caused Hannah to worry- but she had made her decision and would stand by it.
“This could be good for us, Nick,” she tried to convince him, “I know you what happened was wrong but if we try, we can leave that in the past and build another future together. One where we have another addition – one where we can finally we a family,’ she pressed.
“This is not going to be my child,” he said rather sourly.
“Yes but when was that ever an option for us?” she said, referring to his surgery, “If we ever were going to have one – it would have always been not someone that was biologically your child. Perhaps this happened to speed the process along.”
“Am I supposed to tell the world I am living with the girl who’s carrying the child of the person she cheated on me with?” He said and a dash of hurt had seeped in into his voice.
“Except that I would never cheat on you – it was never intentional,” she told him, “Besides, you are the only one for me. There is nothing else or no one else that I want that isn’t you. If you leave, then that is it – love won’t be an option for me anymore.”
Nick was half-surprised to hear those words come out of her but somewhere inside of him, he knew that it was the same for him.
“I need time,” he told her and that was the only certain answer he would give her in that moment in time.
Romance: My Stepbrother's Plaything Page 51
