by A C Warneke
Heather nodded, her eyes still troubled. With a forced chuckle, she said, “You’ve always been so stubborn and independent.”
Ana smiled slightly, “I got it from you.”
“Yes, I suppose you did,” Heather murmured, not happily. “But, honey, even I had a little help when I was just starting out.”
Tilting her head to the side, mirroring her mother’s pose, Ana asked, “Really?”
Heather smiled, a little uncomfortable and embarrassed, “I was nineteen years old and I had a baby. My… sponsor gave me my first break and he has continued to keep tabs on me throughout the years.”
“The eccentric millionaire?” Ana asked, curious to know more about the man that commandeered so much of her mother’s time every summer.
“What?” Heather squeaked, her spine becoming ramrod straight.
“The man whose house you redecorate every summer?” Ana reminded her, doubting her memory after seeing her mother’s surprise.
“Oh, right,” Heather said, smoothing her hand over the front of her skirt, her cheeks rose red. “Yes, him.”
“Who is he?” Ana asked in a hushed voice, leaning forward in her enthusiasm.
“Someone I met when I was eighteen,” Heather answered evasively, not quite meeting Ana’s eyes.
“Did you fall in love with him? Was it a grand, passionate affair?” Ana asked, a teasing grin on her face. “Was he married? Did he break your heart? Did you break his?”
Heather’s eyes widened and the color in her cheeks deepened with each question Ana asked, making Ana even more insanely curious. Setting the wine glass down, her hand trembling ever so slightly, Heather cleared her throat, “Yes to all of your questions.”
Ana’s eyes shot open and she fell back into her chair, staring at her mom in disbelief. As more questions rattled around in her head, Ana’s lips parted as another thought screamed in certainty. Warily, she asked, “Is he my father?”
Slowly, Heather raised her eyes and met Ana’s gaze, nodding her head once. Confusion, anger, and curiosity raged through Ana as she continued to stare at her mom with a gaping mouth. Anger won out and Ana seethed, “You told me you didn’t know who my father was.”
“I said I wasn’t going to tell you who he was,” Heather clarified. “I never said I didn’t know who he was.”
“No,” Ana ground out. “When I was fourteen you told me you slept with so many men that you had no idea who my father was and now you’re telling me that that was a lie. Why would you want me to think you were a promiscuous alley cat when you weren’t? Or were you?”
“I wasn’t. I’ve only been with your father and two others,” Heather murmured, wincing at the reminder. But she didn’t say anything else in her defense, which only made Ana angrier.
Knowing she was starting to sound like a petulant child and unable to do anything about it, she said, “Until that moment, I had this fantasy that you and my father were star-crossed lovers but you’re not because he’s still in your life.”
“Ana….”
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth when I asked?” Ana interrupted, not wanting to hear any more lies.
“Because it hurt too much to talk about him,” Heather said calmly even though her hands were twisting together. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to break down and cry in front of you.”
Ana arched an eyebrow, her mother’s words twisting and twirling in her head. Sarcastically, she said, “Well, that makes me feel so much better.”
Her mom held her hand up in the air, her posture defensive as she raised her voice to be heard over Ana’s protests, “Sit back down and I’ll explain.”
Ana hadn’t even realized she had stood up. After pacing in front of the couch a few times, trying to get her anger and hurt under control, she sat back down. “Okay. Explain.”
“I lied because I wanted to protect you.”
“Instead you dragged me around the world and filled my head with fantasies while you redesigned castles,” Ana bit out, her words bitter even though her childhood had been amazing. “Oh, wait, you dumped me at grandma and grandpa’s when I was fourteen!”
“After you asked me if you could go live with them.”
“Because everything you had led me to believe had been a lie,” Ana interjected. Tears welled in her eyes as she added, “But it wasn’t a lie. Instead, you told the lie that you knew would push me away.”
“You kept asking questions and I no longer had any answers.” Heather whispered, her eyes shining with tears she refused to let fall. “When I told you what I did, your… father had just checked himself into rehab yet again and I didn’t know what to do. Leaving you with my parents seemed like it was for the best.”
“But you left me with grandma and grandpa,” Ana whispered, her voice hoarse.
“You wanted to stay with them,” Heather said, her voice just as ravaged.
“I wanted you to ask me to stay with you,” Ana returned, wiping at the tears that were running down her face.
“God, I wanted to but how could I when you looked at me like I was a leper? And I couldn’t tell you the truth because you never would have believed me at the time,” Heather tried to explain. “Every day you reminded me more and more of your father and I didn’t handle it well. If I had told you the truth about him, you would have wanted to meet him and I didn’t want that life for you. It was… is unstable, destructive.”
Ana blinked her eyes, the tears making her mother’s image waver. She tried to imagine making the same choice as her mother but she couldn’t ever imagine living a life without Harrison in it, especially if she had his child. Yet, wasn’t that exactly what she was going to do, at least for a year? Maybe her mom thought she’d only be gone a short time and in the end, she stayed away…. No, Heather hadn’t stayed away, going back to the man every year and then working like a crazy woman after their time together. Ana had never known; all of this time and her mom had held her secret tight.
In a low voice, Ana rasped, “Who is he?”
Heather shook her head, denying Ana the answer she sought as a single tear slid down her flawless cheek. “He’s the reason I came here for Thanksgiving.”
Ana’s brows drew together, a horrified sickness filling her stomach as her mind leapt to an improbable conclusion. “Please don’t tell me Uncle James is my father.”
Heather’s mouth dropped open as she stared at Ana in horror. Wildly shaking her head no, she blurted, “No, just… God, no. Ew, Ana. He’s my sister’s husband.”
Ana breathed a sigh of relief, her shoulders slumping forward. “Well, thank god for that.”
“No,” Heather said, still shaking her head with that look of horror on her face. “No, your father is in the hospital. He O.D’ed. Again. This time it was really bad and I’m on my way to see him but first I wanted to see you… no, I needed to see you. You’re all I have of him, Anavrin, no matter how much time I steal away to be with him.”
“You still love him,” Ana whispered in awe.
“I will always love him,” Heather admitted, her shoulders sagging in defeat. “But it’s not enough. I mean, he loves me with a desperate passion that makes me keep going back for more… he just loves his drugs more. Being with him is like a backwards kind of heaven, Ana, perfect in a fucked up way.”
“Will you tell me who he is?” Ana asked softly, trying to process everything as her heart raced in her chest and her head drowned in questions. Her body felt so heavy and she just wanted to curl up in Harrison’s arms and sleep for a week, or at least until her brain worked everything out. “Please.”
Heather shook her head no but there was a hint of hesitation in the movement. “I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but it’s never been the time.”
“You see him every summer.”
“Yes, and he asks about you every summer,” Heather answered without a trace of guilt.
“I want to meet him,” Ana said in a rush, the need to meet her father, to know who he
was, almost overwhelming.
Again, her mother shook her head no. “I told you. He’s in the hospital and I don’t want the first time you meet him to be in such a setting. Maybe when he’s been clean for more than a few weeks we can arrange a visit but that probably won’t be for a while.”
“Why are you telling me all of this now?” Ana asked, her heart breaking a little in her chest for her mother.
“Because you’re going to intern at Madd Talent Agency,” Heather said softly. “He started the company and now he sits on the board of directors, at least he does when he’s not killing himself with drugs.”
Ana stared in disbelief at her mother for a long, long moment, her mouth opening and closing a few times as she tried to put her chaotic thoughts into words. “Is this internship my father’s way of paying for college without my knowledge?”
Heather shook her head no. “No, he simply told me about the opportunity when you were sixteen and I forwarded the information to you. You earned the internship on your own, Anavrin. The committee members that awarded it to you have no idea of your connection between Ma… your father and you. It’s just when you get out there, it might be a little… difficult to keep your secret.”
“Your secret,” Ana said softly, still hurt by her mother’s actions all of those years ago even if she understood and sympathized with her reasons now.
“Yes, my secret,” Heather agreed with a sigh.
Ana’s brows furrowed as she wondered how the secret could be known since she still didn’t know who her father was and her mom was continuing to hold his name close to her heart, her lips sealed. “How would anyone know?”
Heather’s face twisted up in remorse as she explained, “Your father’s genes are very strong in his children.”
“Jesus,” Ana breathed, imagining a herd of kids who looked like her running around. “Just how many kids does he have?”
“Just two,” Heather said quickly, holding up two fingers. “Your… half-sister works at Madd.”
Ana’s jaw dropped to her chest as she stared at her mother, feeling as if they had lost what little ground they had gained. “Is that why you offered to pay off the scholarship? So I don’t accidentally run into my half-sister and give all of your secrets away?”
Heather’s face twisted even further as she admitted, “She knows about you. I’m just not sure how eager she is to meet you.”
Ana didn’t think it was possible for her to be any more shocked. “Does she know that I’m going to be the new intern there?”
Heather pressed her lips together before she said, “Maybe. Probably.”
Ana squeezed her eyes shut and slumped against the back of the couch, wishing she could wake up and find herself in Harrison’s arms. She’d tell him about the crazy dream she had, they’d laugh, and then he’d make love to her.
“Let me pay back the scholarship,” Heather continued in a soft, urgent voice. “Don’t court heartbreak by going out west and falling in love with someone who will promise the world but only bring you pain.”
“I’m with Harrison,” Ana said. Peeking an eye open, she glared at her mom, “And no pretty boy actor is going to turn my head.”
Heather nodded, “Then let me pay it back so you can stay here with your knight in a polyester uniform.” At Ana’s glare, Heather amended her words, “Your beloved Harrison.”
“I earned the scholarship on my own merits, right?” Ana asked, just to clarify, her mind still reeling with everything her mother had told her. At her mother’s nod, she glanced over her shoulder towards the window, as if she could see Harrison through the walls that separated them. She could accept her mother’s offer and stay with Harrison but then she’d always wonder if she could have done it, if she could have gone out to California and succeeded. If she could go out there and meet the sister she hadn’t known about. She could only hope that Harrison wouldn’t hate her when she told him about her mother’s offer and why she had to refuse it. She had to do this on her own, no matter what it took. Ana sighed, “Then I will pay it back by completing the terms.”
“The internship,” her mom sighed.
“You have no idea how tempted I am to accept your help,” Ana admitted, her soul feeling as if it was being torn in two. “But I have to do this. And I don’t want to be indebted to you, especially now.”
“Ana, I’m your mother,” Heather scolded. “There’s nothing wrong with a parent helping a child.”
Ana almost smiled before she said, “I don’t want to leave him but I need to prove to myself that I can do this on my own. Even if there wasn’t a chance I’d meet my sister, I’d want to do this. I want to do this especially if there’s a chance I’ll meet her.”
Heather heaved another sigh, looking at her hands in her lap. “I see.”
“I don’t think you do,” Ana said softly, her words choking her with what she truly wanted. “I’m afraid of making the wrong choice, of settling before I ever try, of having underdeveloped wings and never being able to fly, with or without Harrison.”
Glancing up, Heather tilted her head to the side. “How do you mean?”
Licking her lower lip, trying to make sense of the turmoil in her head, Ana slowly started to speak. “All of my life, I’ve seen what happens to people who have had everything handed to them, the kids of the people you design rooms for… they’re like butterflies who’ve had their cocoons opened for them.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Ana wasn’t entirely sure she knew what she was talking about either but she still continued, “They’re beautiful but they can’t fly. For so many people who have been given everything they appreciate nothing and then they want more and more to fill the gaping holes I their souls. They’re miserable but they’re stuck in their little realms and they don’t have any curiosity about anything and I don’t want to be like that. I want to see what’s out there, what I’m capable of, and no matter how badly I want to stay with Harrison, I can’t. I have to do this.”
“Ana, you’re beautiful just the way you are,” Heather said with a slight smile. Shaking her head, she continued, “You don’t have to go to California to prove yourself.”
“I do because I’m a relic of a different era,” Ana said, the words forcing themselves past her tight throat. “I want nothing more than to be Harrison’s wife and the mother of his children, including Jolie, but I feel like I should want more. Yet I can’t imagine anything else making me happier. So I have to do this to prove a point, if only to myself, so when I come back, I’ll know that this is what I truly want.”
“Stubborn and independent,” Heather growled under her breath. “Needlessly so in this case.”
“I want him to be proud of me, mom,” Ana said softly. “The way I am proud of him.”
“Ana,” her mom breathed, her eyes filled with concern. Gazing at her for what seemed an eternity, her mom finally asked, “What will you do when you return?”
“I want to work in the theater,” Ana answered. At her mother’s arched eyebrow, she added, “Backstage, making props and costumes and doing makeup. I want to work on the production of plays and stuff. I’m good at it.” Ana chuckled to herself as she continued, “My original goal was to find work out in Hollywood after my internship was over. I figured with all of the connections I’ll be making at Madd, that it would be simple enough finding employment.”
“If that’s what you want, you can still do that.” Her mom’s words were encouraging but it was apparent that her mother didn’t want her to remain in California.
Ana swallowed, nodding her head in acknowledgement of her mom’s words. “I know. But Harrison is here and I realized I’d be almost as content with a local theater.”
“But you don’t know for sure,” Heather said softly.
Slowly, Ana raised her eyes and looked at her mom. Torn in two by her conflicting desires, by a love so absolute she knew she was meant to be with Harrison forever and the fear that it wasn’t enough, sh
e admitted, “I don’t know for sure. When I’m with him, I am so happy it hurts and I could easily lose myself in this life. It’s a temptation that I don’t know if I’m strong enough to resist. But what if I do turn my back on the opportunity out west and then one day I wake up and I wonder where my life went?”
“I don’t know what to tell you,” her mom said softly, not without sympathy. “When I was seventeen, I thought I had everything figured out. I was going to get my degree, get a job, eventually find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with, have children with, and then we were going to grow old together, a happy couple with more love than money. But then I met your father and my entire world was flipped on its head and ripped inside out. By the time I was your age, I was desperately trying to hold on. I was raising my beautiful daughter while my heart resided with a man who was desperate to find the perfect high. Now? I have more wealth than I’ll ever know what to do with, I’m still in love with a man who is beyond broken, I have an amazing daughter and I’m still trying to figure it out as I go myself.”
Ana smiled slightly as she reached out and took her mother’s hand. At first, Heather stiffened but then she quickly relaxed, squeezing Ana’s hand in return. “You don’t have to leave tomorrow, mom.”
“I do,” Heather said, looking down at their joined hands. Letting out a long breath, she said softly, “I told you before that I’m going to Arizona to see your father. I have just been putting it off because it kills me to see him when he’s in the hospital after one of his binges. He makes all of these promises and I no longer believe he’s capable of keeping them. It’s even worse when he’s in rehab because he’s clean and a reminder of all of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place.”
“Take me with,” Ana said, reconsidering the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. Looking towards Harrison’s house again, she shook her head but she couldn’t take the request back.
“No, Anavrin,” her mom said with finality, though there was amusement in her voice. “Enjoy your time with Harrison and his daughter and put the thoughts of your father out of your head.”
