by Claire Adams
After a brief moment of silence, she went into her room. I decided that since I was essentially hiding from the landlord, getting out a little earlier than normal was necessary.
I sneakily made my way from the second floor down to the street, where my ’67 Camaro and my Kawasaki Ninja were parked. I decided to take the Kawasaki and take the scenic route to work, during which I scanned the streets for available apartments.
I was working on this one guy’s car. He was a nice guy, and I knew that he loved his Civic. He had to love it, because it was old and constantly in need of expensive repairs, but he refused to trade up. Instead, he kept working to keep it alive. I understood the feeling.
I was below the Civic, working on the brakes when suddenly I saw two large sneakers matted with oil stains approach me. I recognized those shoes as belonging to my coworker, Dave Green, a big dude with a kind heart. He was a bit of a know-it-all, and he liked to tell people what to do no matter what it was.
“Hey, Sawyer, you got a sec?” he asked.
I slid out from under the Civic and stood to face him.
“Yeah man, what’s up?”
“Your landlord keeps calling here,” said Dave. “I stopped answering after a while, but now he’s leaving a bunch of voicemails.”
“What’s he saying?”
“Eh… you might want to come hear them yourself. He’s threatening you, man, using a lot of foul language. Said he was going to set your bed on fire.”
I laughed to myself. Dave didn’t understand why, but Hannah would have.
“He sounded pretty serious,” said Dave.
“The only stuff left in that apartment is that bed and a bunch of trash I didn’t bother to throw away,” I said. “He decided to evict me; he can take care of that shit himself.”
“He also threatened to sue you,” Dave continued.
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” I said dismissively. I truly wasn’t worried. I knew when that guy was serious and when he was full of air. I heard that he threatened to sue at least three other former tenants, and he never went through with any of them. Suing requires work and dedication, and I didn’t peg the landlord as someone who wanted to work or be dedicated to anything.
“How you doin’ with that, anyway?” asked Dave.
“Getting kicked out? It’s going great! I’ve got the whole situation under control, and I even scored a pretty major bonus.”
I went to a fridge we had in the garage and grabbed a bottle of water. I gulped it down quickly.
“You sure?” Dave asked. He frowned, looking at me with concern. “Aren’t you homeless now?”
“Well… technically, yes. But, I managed to score temporary lodging with this hot chick who lives right next door to my old place. She let me move my stuff over and crash in the guest room. It’s perfect!”
Dave grimaced slightly.
“How long you think you’re going to stay with her?” he asked.
“She said I could stay till Friday,” I answered. “But, I don’t know, I think she might want it.”
“She wants a strange guy to move in after he just got kicked out of his own place?” he said with raised eyebrows.
“No, I’m saying she wants my body, dude!”
“Ah.”
“She’s a little bit reserved, but also… kind of foxy. That’s a weird word—foxy. Sounds a little weird, don’t you think?”
“I’ve used ‘foxy’ before,” said Dave.
“It’s an interesting situation, and even though I didn’t set out to screw this girl, I think it could be an added perk to an already strange turn-of-events. She might be a little bit of a challenge, but I think I’m up for it. You should have seen her this morning, dude. She was totally covered up, but she looked like a sexy office girl; you know what I mean? That can be hot as hell.”
“Playing games would be dangerous, especially since housing is involved.”
“If she kicks me out, I’ll just go down the hall.”
“Okay, how about you shouldn’t do it since she was incredibly nice to let you stay with her in the first place, and it would be a huge dick move to use her like that?”
“Hey, she gets to use me, too,” I smirked. “It would be a hot mutual thing.”
“You don’t think it’s disrespectful to hunker down at her place for free—”
“I offered to pay her.”
“Even so! I don’t know, Sawyer, I think it’s a bad idea to try to sleep with her.”
“You didn’t see her ass,” I said, grinning mischievously. I sat down next to the Civic, preparing to go back under. “And I don’t have to try. I’ve never had trouble handling a woman.”
Dave scoffed. “So, do you ever think about having an actual future with a woman? Finding someone to settle down with, share your life with?”
“Look, Dave, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to hear any of your Christian shit right now. I just don’t. Marriage ain’t for me.”
“This isn’t—” he began, getting slightly irritated at my jab. “Don’t say that, dude; you’re being a jerk. This isn’t a ‘Christian thing.’ It’s about being a man!”
“And your idea of being a man was marrying your girlfriend out of college and having kids. That’s fine for you, Dave, but it’s not for me.”
“I married Stephanie because I love her,” said Dave. “I had kids with her so that we could have a family. You like your parents and your family, don’t you?”
“You always find a way to make me a villain,” I said. “Tell me this, how long have you been married now?”
“Six years.”
“Okay, and in six years, you’re telling me you’ve not had the urge to go fuck another woman?”
Dave’s eyes widened at the use of my curse word, like the outraged Christian that he played. But then, he said, “Never once.”
I literally laughed out loud for several seconds. I didn’t know what to say because I certainly didn’t believe him.
“Okay, Dave. Sure.”
“It’s true, Sawyer. I love my wife, so I don’t cheat.”
“Right, but you never think about it?”
“No, I told you, I love my wife.”
I laughed again, using that opportunity to return back to the Civic. Dave stood there for a few more moments. Even though I only saw his shoes, I could tell he wanted to say something but was reluctant. I attempted to help him get there.
“Marriage seems boring to me,” I said. “My parents were bored during their entire marriage until my dad did my mom a favor and died. Every kid I ever knew growing up had parents and married family members, and they all looked miserable and were looking for who they wanted to fuck behind the scenes. Then, you get us now, our generation. I don’t think we were meant to be tied down to one person; there are too many hot chicks in the world, man! And I believe we’re only here once, so we have to enjoy life while we got it. Dating’s more fun anyway. When’s the last time you had fun, Dave?”
“This morning,” he answered quickly. “I made breakfast with my son, then we all watched TV together and goofed on the movie we were watching. I hated having to leave and come here. I’m telling you, Sawyer, I think you’ll regret it if you don’t open yourself up to something more meaningful than casual sex.”
I watched him and his dirty shoes walk away, leaving me to work on the brakes.
Chapter 3
Hannah
The snow fell with great speed and volume as I drove home from work. While most of the time the roads were clear with very little ice, this was not one of those times. And while usually it would bother me or even worry me to drive in such extreme conditions, this was also not one of those times.
My thoughts were almost entirely focused on Sawyer. I would say it’s characteristic of me to help people, even people I don’t know, but I would be lying if I said I had ever gone so far as to give a stranger a key to my apartment. I spent all day questioning the sanity of my actions.
; I wondered if my willingness to let a guy stay with me despite me knowing very little about him was an effect of my recent breakup. Truthfully, the gaps in-between my relationships were usually quite small. It wasn’t like I had a hundred guys asking for my number every day or even that I had a mass of boyfriends, but I was searching for love. In my serious relationships, I almost always convinced myself I was in love. It didn’t matter if I really was or not; I just needed to believe that love was possible.
I speculated that maybe I was just content with having another guy around. I kept the theory alive in my head, but I didn’t put much weight to it. I had plenty of horny guy friends who I was sure I could have called if I felt lonely enough. I didn’t have that desire at all, so I took some pride in knowing that I wasn’t such a dysfunctional and co-dependent person.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to Sawyer. He was both cute and kind. I would also be lying if I said that my thoughts had not drifted periodically to some of those nights when I would hear him fucking some loud girl well into the night without a care what his neighbors were thinking.
I was not a woman who gave myself to anyone, but it didn’t make me any less human. I just went through a shitty breakup and then suddenly, a hot guy showed up at my door. I felt like I could fall into the trap of searching for “meaning” and decided not to think about what I didn’t understand, but focus instead on what I did.
I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I could be stuck with an accidental roommate. If I had been so willing to let him stick around, rent-free, without even knowing him, what would I do if we actually started to become friends? Or something else? Something more?
With the idea of “something else” or “something more” with Sawyer the Stranger blossoming in my mind yet again, I realized another truth: he was distracting. And while many people try to avoid distractions as often as possible, I wasn’t going to turn any distraction away. I was hoping for something to come along that would get my mind off of Jared, our breakup, and another truth: Jared still lived in my apartment complex. Not only did he live in the complex, but he still lived on my floor, less than a twenty-second walk from my door. I was unable to let go of the idea that my cheating ex-boyfriend was still close to me, even if only in terms of physical proximity.
It was as if I had willed it to happen with my torturous thoughts.
As I parked in a spot by my apartment building, I saw Jared. He was by the mailboxes, going through his mail, taking his time. Although we weren’t making eye contact, I felt like he knew I had pulled up. I couldn’t see what all he was sorting through, but he seemed a little too focused on the mail to me.
I sat in the car for a few moments, waiting for him to finish and move on, but he lingered, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I didn’t even want to speak to him, let alone see him. I also worried that if he were to turn around and focus on the nearby cars for more than a few seconds, he would spot me in my car. I’m not someone who sits in my car unless I’m driving it, so he would also piece together that I was hiding.
He took a few steps toward a garbage can and began throwing away junk mail. He never directly looked at me, so I tried to convince myself that he didn’t even know I was there. I hoped that one of our other neighbors might join Jared by the mailboxes and I could use that distraction to slip by him without incident.
But as time went on and the cold began stinging my insides, no one else came to collect their mail. I had no choice but to suck it up and make my way to my apartment.
There were two easy ways to get to my apartment from my parking spot. One of those ways was to go past the mailboxes and into the courtyard, while another was around the side of the building, near the garage. I went towards the side of the building, when
“Hannah!”
My heart stopped, as did my feet. I sighed, turning to face the mailboxes. Jared’s eyes were now locked on me. My first instinct was to just keep walking, but I was having yet another internal battle.
I gave him a weak smile and wondered who was going to move first. Apparently, he was thinking the same thing because he eventually realized that I wasn’t going to come to him. He took the hint and called out my name. He left the mailboxes and walked slowly over to me.
His glasses were slightly coated with frost, but they didn’t conceal his bright blue eyes. Whenever it was an overcast day, his eyes used to feel like beacons somehow; they were a reminder for me that not everything in Madison was dark and dreary. The safety and assurance I felt whenever I looked into his eyes were gone now. After everything that happened between us, he was no longer my beacon. I knew that was the case because when I looked in his eyes at that moment, I felt cold, and it wasn’t from the icy winds or fluffy snow descending upon us. He had some snow in his thick blond hair, but he didn’t seem to notice. I brushed some snow off my jacket.
We stood next to each other awkwardly for several seconds before he finally spoke.
“How are you doing?” Jared asked me.
“Fine, I guess,” I said half-heartedly.
After he didn’t receive the same cordial question from me, his face instantly began to tighten.
“Listen…” He kicked some snow from off of his shoes. “I’m sorry things happened the way that they did. I never wanted us to end like that. I…”
Jared liked to make excuses whenever he upset me. Admittedly, I was curious about what possible excuse he could have had for cheating on me.
“Do you think… like, we could talk or something?” he asked me.
“We’re talking right now,” I said.
“I mean, like inside?”
I looked down at my feet. I lightly kicked the snow below my shoes, too.
“We can talk here,” I said.
He sighed in frustration. “I just think if we talked about what was going on, we could fix it. Do we really want to give up after one shitty night?”
“A ‘shitty night’”? I repeated. I looked at him in disbelief.
“I made a mistake. I think if we talked about all the bad things we’ve said and done to each other, we could grow from it. Don’t you?”
“I broke up with you.”
He scoffed. “You were just angry at me. Come on; you weren’t serious, were you?”
“You cheated on me.”
“You don’t want to discuss the reasons I might have been driven to do that?”
“I didn’t drive you to do anything, Jared. It was all you. I don’t care why you cheated; I just want us to move on with our lives. I do want you to be happy, though.”
My words were true. Despite what he did, I still wanted him to be in a good place and have a good life. I still cared about him.
Jared didn’t give up easily. He was determined to have a discussion even though I so clearly wanted him to leave me alone.
“You weren’t having sex with me anymore,” said Jared. “You made me feel unwanted. No guy wants to feel like that.”
“Does anyone want to feel like that?” I asked rhetorically.
I resented that he accused me of withholding sex from him. It is true that there were times when we were in the midst of romance that I would put a stop to it, but it was never by my design. Like I said, once I brought love into the equation, he felt compelled to ruin many moments with inappropriate talks about whether I was really into him. There were times when he would get angry at me for not having an orgasm, and that escalated into him asking me every time whether or not I had one, which was only helpful in enabling exactly that: I began to initiate sex less and less.
“I’m kind of surprised you haven’t tried to reconcile with me before now,” said Jared. “It’s unlike you not to care.”
“‘Not to care?’ Jared, I don’t want to hear this right now. I have to go.”
I turned to leave, but he wanted to have the final word.
“You should be begging me to take you back.”
I scoffed. I turned back, actually laughing in his face. “Don’t hold
your breath,” I said.
“Who else is going to treat you better than me?”
“You know, Jared, you don’t have to worry about that. It’s not your problem anymore. We’re done. It’s for the best.”
He took a few steps closer to me. I wasn’t afraid, but the longer I stood out in the cold looking at him, the harder it was for me to stay composed.
“You’re damn right it’s for the best. I dodged a fucking bullet with you,” said Jared. “You’re so freaking emotional, it’s unbearable. No man is going to put up with your bullshit. I’m willing to work on us! What other man can say that? I don’t see any of your other exes putting themselves out there.”
“Because those relationships are over, too.”
“You never really loved me. And I never really loved you. You were a convenience. Girls like you are everywhere. And that’s just it: you’re a girl. You are not a woman. You’re a liar and a waste. How dare you talk to me like this? How dare you?”
He was breathing heavily enough that I could see the cold air around his mouth and nostrils. He stomped off, slipping slightly as he got out of the snow.
I stumbled back toward my apartment, shaken. I was crying icy tears as I walked up the stairs to the second floor.
I entered my apartment, getting hit by a nice wave of warm air. I wondered if it was the heat, but I knew it couldn’t just be that. The heat in my building was mediocre and could barely keep up with Wisconsin winters.
It was then that it occurred to me: the shower was running. I looked toward the bathroom door, seeing steam coming through the cracks by the floor. My conversation with Jared was driven out of my mind as I wondered what Sawyer was doing in there at that particular moment…
Chapter 4
Sawyer
It felt good to wash the work day off of my body. I heard the front door close, and that meant Hannah was finally home from work. I became excited, not just because of the prospects that waited for me outside the bathroom door, but because I was getting ready for the fun part. The part where she would gaze upon my body in wonder.
