by Claire Adams
I nodded as I listened to him describe the beauty of solo trekking and the ways in which it kept him grounded and focused on what mattered—sobriety.
“Have you ever been camping, Ava?” he asked.
“Who? Me?” I was shocked by the question, and I laughed as I said, “Have you actually met me?”
Brian’s response was loud, deep laughter that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside. I’d never heard someone laugh so hard at something I’d said, and his laughter sparked my own. “Right, I can see it now,” he gasped. “You’d bring a backpack full of shoes and hair products!”
“No, I wouldn’t!” I cried indignantly. “I’d have some makeup, too!”
Brian roared and added another layer to the list of things I’d be packing for a camping trip, to which I added a few more essentials. Soon we were laying on the riverbank laughing so hard we both had tears rolling down our cheeks. It took a while for us to calm down, but once we did, Brian pushed himself up to lean on his elbow and gave me a serious look.
“Stick with me and you’ll learn to pack properly, kid.”
“Uh, you’re not that much older than me, soldier,” I replied smiling. “And I can pretty much guarantee that I’m probably not going to get on board with this full-on camping agenda.”
“Never say never,” he shot back smiling.
“I never do,” I laughed.
*****
As Brian reached out to run his fingers through my hair, the sound of cracking branches put us both on alert. There was something moving in the bushes down on the riverbank, and in an instant, Brian was on his feet with one hand on the gun under his hoodie. He motioned to me to stay where I was. I nodded and waited in silence as he checked our surroundings.
Another twig snapped, and Brian crouched low to the ground as he moved quickly toward the sound. I opened my mouth to ask him what he thought it was, but he held up his hand in the universal sign for “stop” and I swallowed my question. As he swept his eyes across the brush-covered bank, I could see his hand tighten on the butt of his gun. I held my breath as he pushed back a clump of branches. Nothing. He moved to the next pile of brush, and as he pushed a few branches aside, a small, frightened bunny scurried out and ran across the grass toward the safety of an unmolested bush. I let out a small, startled scream, and quickly covered my mouth as Brian shot me a warning look followed by an amused grin.
He quickly scanned the rest of the bank and found nothing out of order, I looked up at him and said, “Maybe it was just the bunny meeting up with a bird or a squirrel in the underbrush?”
“Yeah, maybe,” he said, laughing a little as he sat back down next to me. His eyes never stopped scanning the bushes even as he returned to absently stroking my hair. Although he’d snapped back into the role of my bodyguard, I still saw him as the fun guy he’d been only minutes before, and I wanted to find a way back to the carefree conversation we’d been having before the underbrush noises interrupted us. I tried putting my hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off, and when I reached up and stroked his cheek, he looked down only briefly before returning to his watch.
“Hey, Brian?” I said quietly.
“Yeah? What?” He was back in scanning mode and paid little attention to me and our picnic as he continued his lookout.
“Hello?” I said a little louder.
“Ava, what do you want?” his voice was both irritated and worried, so I stopped pushing and just sat quietly as he attempted to figure out what had made the noise in the bushes. I appreciated the care and concern, but I also wanted the guy who’d been having such a good time with me back as quickly as possible. So, I hopped up and walked over to the bushes and pulled them apart with my hands, yelling, “Hey! Whoever you are, come out right now and stop playing around!”
An instant later, I felt the full weight of a body violently shoving me to the ground with a force that knocked the wind out of me as I landed on my back on the bank. I looked up to see Dominic’s face hovering over me.
“You ungrateful little bitch,” he hissed. “After everything I’ve done for you, you go and do this to me? With this loser of a boyfriend?”
I struggled to catch my breath as I tried to push him away, but he’d managed to wrap a hand around my neck and was cutting off my air. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out.
“You’re going to pay for this,” he threatened. “You will pay for your disloyalty.”
Then, I felt his hand leave my throat as Brian yelled, “Let go of her now or I’ll shoot you, and no one will blame me!”
Dominic stood up and looked at Brian for a moment; his bold stare dared Brian to do something, and when nothing happened, he spit on the ground and said in a derisive tone, “That’s what I thought, you coward. You can’t even protect her.” Dominic began laughing as he continued mocking Brian. “What a wimp! You’re holding a gun, and you can’t even protect her. I don’t know what you see in this sad excuse for a man, Ava. He has nothing but a gun, and he’s too afraid to use it!”
By that point, I’d caught my breath and was looking up at Brian, trying to will him not to shoot the gun he held. I knew it could go either way, so I lay there quietly for a moment hoping that Dominic would do what he usually did and walk away, but when he didn’t move, I became afraid that he was planning something sinister. I looked up at Brian, willing him to understand what I was thinking, and he nodded.
“Dom, just stop,” I said quietly as I pulled myself up from the ground. “This makes no sense. You and I are over, and you know it. Why do you keep trying to get me back when you know it’s over?”
“Because it’s not over, you stupid little girl,” he sneered. “You belong to me, and I want you back.”
“But you moved on, Dom,” I reminded him as I watched Brian reach into his back pocket. “You got together with Jordan and you moved on!”
“Jordan?” he laughed. “What the hell? She’s a stupid slut who opens her legs for every man who looks at her. Why would I want a little girl like that? I want a smart, educated woman who will help me achieve my career goals, and that woman is you.”
“You just called me a little girl,” I said with more than a bit of resentment in my voice. Brian still held the gun on Dominic, but I could see that he’d managed to move his phone to the front pocket of his hoodie, and I hoped that he was adept at blind dialing.
“You know what I mean, Ava,” he said as he turned and looked at me. There was something in his look, a kind of coldness that I’d only seen once before, and I shivered at the memory before I looked away. “Ditch this loser and come home with me. You know I can offer you more than he can even dream of. I mean, what does he have? A frayed hoodie, old sneakers and a gun? Really?”
I could see Brian bristle as Dominic pointed out where he was lacking, and I shot a quick look at Brian, hoping that he wouldn’t get caught up in this imaginary pissing match and do something stupid. I could hear the sound of all three of us breathing, and for long seconds none of us moved, and then hearing the sound of sirens in the distance, Dominic suddenly turned and ran back toward campus; his long legs pumping fast as he made his escape.
For a moment, I thought Brian was going to give chase, but instead, he was at my side in an instant, urging me not to move while he checked me for injuries. I tried to assure him that I was fine, but he methodically checked my limbs, torso, and then cringed as he saw the fingerprints Dominic had left on my neck when he’d cut off my air.
“That son of a bitch is going to pay for this,” he muttered.
“Brian, don’t,” I warned. “Just don’t. He’s not worth it.”
*****
“Is everything okay over here?” the campus security officer called as he walked across the grass. “We got an emergency call from this area, but it didn’t identify who the caller was.”
“Yes, we’re fine, officer,” I said in a voice that was far more cheerful than I felt. Brian gave me a strange look, but followed my lead and nodded. I exchan
ged pleasantries with the officer for a few minutes and when he asked how my father was doing, I saw Brian’s eyebrow raise as he suddenly understood my reticence to get the officer involved in the situation.
“Alright, well, tell your parents I send my best and thank them for the housewarming gift they sent, will you?” he smiled as he shook my hand and then Brian’s before turning and heading back to his car.
“Does your father know everyone?” Brian asked.
“Just about,” I replied with a grimace. “I feel like I’m always under surveillance.”
Brian winced as the words hit their mark, then turned and said, “But maybe he’s got good reasons for trying to ensure your safety.”
It was my turn to wince, and I nodded and then shrugged. “Perhaps.”
“I think we should head back to the dorm, Ava,” Brian suggested. “Who knows where that nutjob went, and if you’re not going to report him, then we need to be somewhere safer so I can better monitor the situation.”
“Why do we have to let him dictate what we do?” I protested. “He ran off like the coward he is, so there’s nothing to worry about!”
“Unfortunately, I do think there’s something to worry about,” Brian said seriously. “He’s obviously becoming bolder and more dangerous. He choked you, Ava!”
“That?” I said. “Oh, that’s nothing! I’m used to that with him, and that’s not violent.”
Brian stood staring at me with his mouth open for a long while before he shook his head and bent down to pick up the trash bag and remnants of our picnic. “I don’t even want to know…” he murmured as he put his hand on my lower back and guided me back to the path that led to campus. “Ava, he is getting progressively bolder and I’m afraid he’s using these confrontations as a means of measuring how much he can get away with.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was used to Dominic’s strange and erratic behavior, after all, I’d lived with him for a year and things had been much weirder back then. Brian had no way of knowing that this was mild in comparison to what Dominic used to be like.
“I mean, I think he is planning to really harm you,” Brian said. “I don’t think you’re safe.”
I nodded to indicate that I understood what he was saying, but down deep, I didn’t actually believe Dominic was capable of doing anything that bad. How could he hurt me? He said he loved me, didn’t he? The thoughts raced through my brain as we briskly walked back to the dorm. The earlier playfulness had disappeared, and I felt frustrated.
“He’s not a bad person, you know,” I said quietly. “He was actually quite good to me at times.”
“Oh, really?” Brian said as he scanned the path ahead of us never taking his hand off of the gun at his side. “Could have fooled me.”
“You don’t have to be so judgmental,” I pouted.
“I’m not being judgmental at all,” he replied. “I’m simply concerned about your safety as it’s my job to ensure it, and if you won’t report him, then I have to figure out another way to keep you safe.”
“Yeah, that’s right, don’t piss off my father,” I was being stubborn and I knew it, but he was being stubborn, too. “God forbid that Daddy Dearest gets wind of this mess and actually steps in and says something.”
For the rest of the walk back to the dorm, Brian said nothing. He simply scanned the landscape from behind his dark glasses while I stomped ahead; angry for reasons I wasn’t even sure I understood.
*****
“So, tell me more about Dominic,” Brian said as he locked the door to my dorm room and then double-checked it to make sure no one could get in.
“There’s nothing more to tell,” I replied as I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. Brian walked over and shut it off, then turned and stared at me for a minute.
“I’m serious,” he said. “I need to know what happened between the two of you.”
“You know, sometimes you are a real pain in the ass,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t want to talk about Dominic or my relationship with him or anything else about my life if you’re going to be so judgmental!”
“Ava, you don’t understand,” he said as he sat down on the couch next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not trying to be judgmental, I want to know more about you and Dominic so that I can figure out how to better protect you.”
“Well, it feels more like an inquisition than an inquiry,” I shot back.
I sat staring out the window for a long time. I couldn’t look at Brian because I didn’t want him to see what I was thinking, but I knew that he was right. The more I could tell him about Dominic, the better he’d be able to anticipate his next move. I was torn, though. I didn’t know if I could go back down that road and tell Brian about my life with Dominic while I felt so conflicted about it. I wasn’t sure if Brian would understand why I still felt drawn to Dominic despite what had happened and why I’d left.
Heck, I wasn’t even sure I understood it.
“Ava, it’s okay,” Brian said. “I know this isn’t easy for you to talk about, but I’m not going to judge you. What happened is in the past, but I need as much information as possible to keep you safe.”
“I know,” I admitted. “But I don’t like the fact that I need protection in the first place. I don’t like needing someone else to keep me safe.”
“I know you don’t,” he said. “But right now it’s the reality, and you have to accept that.”
I looked away and thought about how this entire situation had gotten so far out of control. How do I tell him about this whole mess? What is he going to think of me? As my mind raced, I thought about what I’d already told him about Dominic and tried to figure out how to explain the darker parts of our relationship. I wasn’t sure he could handle it, and I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle his reaction, but I knew that Brian wasn’t simply going to stop asking questions.
I took a deep breath and began.
“He wasn’t always like this,” I explained. “Or at least, he hid it really well at the beginning of our relationship. He was so incredibly sweet and attentive. He’d bring me flowers and little gifts, things that showed he’d been paying attention to what I did and said.”
Brian nodded as he listened, and I cringed as I thought about how these acts of kindness had actually been manipulation rather than love.
“It took me a really long time to realize that he’s a sadist,” I said as calmly as I could. “He enjoys torturing people and he does it often, and without remorse. In fact, he actually finds his sadistic games arousing.”
Brian reached down and took my hand as he listened intently. He didn’t say a word as I spilled the sordid details of Dominic’s twisted games; he simply listened.
“I was so naive when I got together with him,” I explained. “I didn’t understand that he was grooming me to become his partner in crime, and once I’d been dragged to the depths of misery, I didn’t know how to get out. It began so simply, he’d show me something and then tell me it was our secret. He’d confess something and frame it as shameful or hideous so that I’d be compelled to reassure him that it wasn’t. He’d entice me to extend the boundaries of our relationship, both physical and emotional, and then praise me when I’d go with him or punish me if I refused. I can see it now, but at the time, I was so desperate for his attention and affection that I let it cloud everything.”
“It’s okay,” Brian said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”
“Oh, I know that,” I said, rolling my eyes dramatically. I’d been told that more times than I could count, and I was tired of hearing the mantra only because I didn’t fully believe it. I still felt like I was responsible for so much of the twisted activities that Dominic had dragged me into, mostly because I hadn’t had the strength to say no.
“I’m serious, Ava,” Brian repeated. “It’s not your fault.”
“Just stop, okay?” I pleaded. He nodded and squeezed my hand. “It took a couple of months, but I can
see now how he was grooming me by breaking me down. He’d get angry about some small infraction of the ‘rules’ that only he knew existed, and then he’d punish me. At first it was just silence, but after the Chem exam incident, he began regularly beating me for all kinds of things. He was so good at it…”
Brian didn’t move a muscle as I told the story.
“He knew just how to slap me hard enough to hurt, but not so hard that it left a mark,” I said, shaking my head. “Or he would leave marks where no one could see them. And as our sex life got more adventurous, he’d often extend the boundaries into non-sexual aspects and make them part of some twisted game. He’d frequently ask to tie me up and practice with his cane. It got so confusing, you know? The boundaries got blurred in a way that I didn’t know what I had actually consented to, and that cane…”
“The cane?” Brian asked confused.
“He had a long, thin cane, about the length of a pool cue,” I said, wincing as I recalled the whistle it would make as it sliced through the air just before slamming into my flesh. “He’d always say that I had the best ass to practice on because it was fleshy enough to take the blows. And he always made me thank him for it as he cleaned my wounds after he was done. He’d dab alcohol on my raw skin, and I’d cry until he finished and then he’d pull me close and stroke my hair. Sometimes he’d tell me how wonderful I was for allowing him to practice something he enjoyed so much, and other times he’d tell me how if I’d just behave the way he wanted me to, he’d never have to use the cane on me again. I was always trying to figure out what was going on, but the rules were always changing, and I never knew what they would be from one day to the next.”
Brian nodded as he listened. There was something about the look in his eyes that told me he understood what I was talking about. He didn’t seem to be judging me, and that made it easier to open up and tell him more.
“He was always plotting revenge on someone,” I said. “He had a list of grudges a mile long, and he told me that these people deserved what they got because they’d broken some rule of his. He was absolutely obsessed with rules and following them, but the weird thing was that he never felt like the rules applied to him. When I’d ask him to tell me what rules he lived by, he’d punish me for being sassy. So I stopped asking and just learned to watch closely so I could figure out what he might want on any given day. But he was never predictable. One day he’d want me to be sweet and innocent and dress in pretty flowered dresses and accompany him to the zoo or a museum, and the next day he’d be yelling at me about dressing like an immature child when he wanted to be with a woman. It was beyond confusing. I had so many different wardrobes and he was constantly changing his mind about how he wanted me to dress and behave.”
