by Tina Martin
ROMULUS
A St. Claire Novel
Tina Martin
Copyright @ 2018 Tina Martin
ROMULUS
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Synopsis
Romulus St. Claire operates under the guise that he’ll never marry. In the back of his mind, he knows it’s a lie. He would marry if the woman was special enough – someone like his best friend, Siderra Monroe. He’s in no hurry to make her his. He’s still in limbo with his feelings and he doesn’t believe he’s ready for a woman like her, even though he has a feeling she’s in love with him.
Siderra has been in love with Romulus for years now and has grown tired of playing the friend role while watching him date other women. Figuring it’s time to move on, she limits her time with Romulus to start dating, but how can she really date when her heart belongs to her best friend?
~ . ~
I’m afraid to love,
Because I might hurt you.
I’m afraid not to love,
Because I WILL lose you.
~ . ~
Prologue
Romulus hung back after therapy class was over. He’d been taking the hour-long class filled with doctors and other elite professionals – Connect With the Inner You – for three months now – every Wednesday – hoping it would help him to sort out feelings he’d kept at bay for some time. He had the practiced habit of masking his true emotions. He was so good at it that, at times, he didn’t realize he was doing it. He could see how the disconnect had prohibited his progress. Sometimes it interfered with his work, but mostly it wreaked havoc in his personal life. So, here he was in the thick of doing something about it.
Today would be the first time he had a one-on-one with the instructor – Dr. Langston. He respected the gray-haired woman as a doctor and after weeks of taking the class, she’d proven her knowledge on the subject of relationships and human interactions to his satisfaction.
“Mr. St. Claire,” she said, working her way to the back of the room as the other attendees filtered out.
“Dr. Langston.”
“Finally, we get to talk one-on-one,” she said, excited. After three months, she probably took it as a personal accomplishment when Romulus made it clear he needed to speak with her after the session. She never thought he’d take the leap, and she always waited for her attendees to make the first move. To her, it was a sign they were serious about why they signed up. It was at that point when one-on-one sessions would be most beneficial.
Romulus smirked a little, somewhat skeptical. Nothing about talking openly with a stranger about himself made him comfortable. He didn’t like talking to people he knew about himself, but the moment he signed up for Dr. Langston’s class was the moment he stepped out of his comfort zone. As difficult as it was, he recognized the need for it. One of his favorite quotes was: you can only grow and progress if you’re willing to be uncomfortable. Try something new. A therapy class was definitely something new for him – a step in the right direction. He had to keep stepping. Keep progressing. He had a lot at stake. It was now or possibly never.
“I’ll admit,” he said, “This is long overdue. No fault of yours. It’s all mine. I’m reluctant to divulge so much of my personal life in a stranger.”
“That’s perfectly fine,” she said, smiling wide. “I don’t pressure anyone into one-on-ones. It happens organically—when you’re ready. That’s how progress happens.”
“In that case, here I am.”
“Yep. Here you are,” she said looking up at the handsome, well-educated man standing before her. “How tall are you?”
“Six-foot-three,” Romulus answered, looking down at the woman who was about the same height as Siderra.
“That must run in the family, huh?”
“It does. I have three brothers and they’re all over six feet. We get it from our father who’s six-feet-five by the way.”
“Well, as you can see shortness runs in my family.”
Romulus grinned a little. “Hey, ain’t nothing wrong with that. My best friend is your height, and she looks good beside me.”
She smiled, studying him because it was her profession to analyze people. She’d successfully broken the ice and got him comfortable. Now, she would do some digging. “If I recall correctly, when I asked the group to share one of their strong abilities during our first class, you told the group you were good at math.”
“Yes. I’m surprised you remember that,” he said, sliding his hands into the pockets of his slacks. Since he had come here straight from work, he still had on the black suit he wore to the office. Still dressed for success and to impress. He certainly turned a few heads in the session as usual – had women glancing back to see who the tall, hot, black guy was sitting in the back row. Some even stepped to him and handed him their business cards.
“Of course I remember. It’s my job to. It was the only time you participated in class.”
“Again…I’m amazed you remember that as well, especially after three months.”
“You’re hard to miss, Mr. St. Claire. You’re tall…always wearing a suit when you come in. The ladies in my class can’t keep their eyes off of you. If you ask me, I think that’s why half of them show up.”
Romulus chuckled. “I doubt that.”
“What do you do for a living?” she inquired.
“I negotiate land contracts for St. Claire Architects.”
“Sounds stressful.”
He chuckled. “It can be and I’m sure your job has its challenges as well, but—”
“You can handle it,” she said, still reading him.
“Yes. I can handle it. I feed off of the challenge of it all.”
“So, you said you were good at math…”
“Right, and I wasn’t saying it to pop my collar. I was emphasizing how a person, in this case, myself, can be extremely good at one thing—something complicated—but lack sorely in other areas. I don’t need to tap into my feelings to do complex math equations. I just do them. However, when it comes to people, I need the ability to break into my feelings and connect emotionally. I think I have it to a degree, but—”
“Let me interrupt you for a moment, Mr. St. Claire. I need to know what I’m working with here. Does this problem you’re having involve your dealings with your workmates or your personal relationships?”
“What would be your guess?”
“Hmm…” She crossed her arms and gave it some real thought. “If I had to guess, this has something to do with a personal relationship or lack thereof. Maybe someone special caught your eye and you don’t know how to relate to her.”
Romulus nodded. “Nice. Okay. I see you know your stuff, doc.”
“After twelve years of college, I better know so
mething, hunh? I don’t have all of this gray hair for nothing. I’m only forty-five.”
Romulus smiled.
“Okay. Now that I know there’s a woman involved, I can be more specific. So, you have feelings for this woman but you don’t know how to express those feelings.”
“There’s a reason why I’ve been single for so long, Dr. Langston. It’s easy for me to check out emotionally. I can be with a woman today and tomorrow, she’s nothing to me. But this woman—I don’t want to check out on her. I know myself well and I can tell you that the way I am currently, I’m not ready to be with her because she deserves more from a man. At the same time, I can’t have anyone taking her away from me.”
“You sound conflicted.”
“That’s exactly what I am. Conflicted. That describes me perfectly.”
“Who is this woman if you don’t mind me asking?”
“She’s my best friend.”
“Ah…I see. This is a unique situation but nothing that can’t be handled. How long have you been friends with her?”
“Ten years.”
“What’s her name?”
His expression softened. “Siderra.”
Dr. Langston noticed how just saying her name had a calming effect on him. “Siderra—that’s a pretty name.”
“She’s a pretty woman—inside and out. No one compares.”
The doctor smiled. “Ten years is more than enough time to establish a connection, so I know you care about her.”
“I do, very much, but if we took the friendship beyond just a friendship, I’m afraid I won’t be able to connect with her on that level.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’ve never connected with a woman on that level. I’ve been able to separate emotions from sex.”
“A lot of men have that ability, especially when they don’t have any sort of relationship with the woman whatsoever, but your case is different. You have an established, ten-year friendship with Siderra.”
“A friendship, yes. Still, I worry if I cross the line with her, we’d lose that friendship because of me and my lack of emotions. I don’t want to be that way with Siderra.”
“Right, because she’s not just some woman.”
“She’s not. She’s—she’s my…”
Everything.
“She’s your what, Mr. St. Claire?”
Romulus rubbed his chin, thinking about how much Siderra meant to him. “She’s a special woman who deserves the best of everything.”
“If you truly feel you’re not the best for her, why not just leave her alone? Why not let Siderra live her life and find a man who’s worthy of her love if you’re so certain you’re not that man?”
Romulus grimaced. He could handle the straightforward questions. What he couldn’t handle were the thoughts swirling in his mind about Siderra and another man. It was bad enough she’d missed the most recent family dinner because she supposedly went out on a date and had been tight-lipped about the guy she was seeing. But it was even worse to think about walking away from her. Not trying. Letting another man do something he was afraid to.
“I honestly gave that some consideration, Dr. Langston, but quite frankly, I don’t want another man taking her away from me.”
“Some might say that’s selfish.”
“It is selfish,” he said, “And I don’t care. It’s the way I feel.”
“How about you take those strong feelings and see things from her point of view with them? Put yourself in her shoes. If you were Siderra, would you want yourself?”
Suddenly feeling overheated, he loosened his necktie and undid the first button of his shirt. He knew the answer, but he didn’t like it. Answering honestly, though, he replied, “No.”
“Then she deserves her own shot at happiness with someone else wouldn’t you say?”
Romulus pulled in a long breath and released it slowly. “She does.”
“If you can acknowledge that, why are you hanging on to her so tight?”
“Because I want her for myself, and I have a feeling she’s in love with me.”
“You have a feeling…” She grinned. The irony…
“Yes, I think she’s in love with me.”
“Is Siderra seeing anyone?”
“No. Well, there is this one guy she went out with, but I don’t think it’s nothing serious. Just a date. It bothered me that she went out with him though.”
Dr. Langston shook her head. “And men say women are complicated.”
He chuckled. “For the record, I’ve never said that about a woman, well at least as far as I can remember.”
“Sure you haven’t…” she said, adjusting her glasses. “Let me recap for a moment. I want to make sure I have all of this straight. You have a thing for your best friend. You think she may be in love with you but you’re afraid to make a move because you feel you’re not ready for her, fearing you won’t be able to love her the way she deserves.”
“Yes, but I’m more afraid of not having a connection with her. I don’t want to walk away from her like I’ve walked away from every woman who’s ever caught feelings for me. It’s easy for me to walk away, but with her, I don’t want to do that. I want to attach feelings to her if that makes any sense. That was my reason for taking this class—to learn how to do that.”
Romulus rubbed the nape of his neck, growing frustrated. Maybe this class wasn’t the solution to his problem after all. After three months, he still had worries about crossing the line with Siderra. What was he supposed to do? Sit back and let another man take her away from him?
“Okay, here’s what I’m going to do, Mr. St. Claire. I’m going to give you some homework,” she said scribbling something on her legal pad. She ripped the piece of paper out of her notebook and handed it to him.
He read aloud, “Losing Siderra would mean…”
“With this exercise, I want you to dig deep. Write down what you feel for this woman. What would losing Siderra mean for you? What would it do to you? Do you get where I’m going?”
“I understand,” he said.
“We’ll discuss it at the end of the next class.”
“Okay. Thanks for your time, Dr. Langston,” Romulus said, glancing at his watch. They’d been talking for a good twenty minutes.
“No problem, Mr. St. Claire. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”
“You as well,” he said before leaving the room.
He walked to his car and sat there in the parking lot staring at the piece of paper.
Losing Siderra would mean…
He frowned. Losing Siderra wasn’t an option.
Not now.
Not ever.
Chapter 1
Siderra
“Who’s this dude you been sweatin’?” Romulus asks me.
I look at him, I mean, really look to study the all too familiar angles of his face and try not to get turned on by the way the man chews. His lips. His mouth. Perfect white teeth…good gawd. I want to bite him instead of my food. He’s still partially dressed in a suit – minus the jacket and tie. I notice he also popped off his cufflinks and rolled up his sleeves to his elbows. I can see the ropes of his thick veins beneath the beautiful brown skin on his forearm. I can smell the after tones of his cologne as it harmonizes so beautifully with his own natural, manly scent. The man has me shook, and he’s not even aware of what he does to me. That’s why I’ve been trying to distance myself from him.
We’re at Cabo sitting on their outside patio in black, aluminum chairs eating fish tacos and corn salsa right after I closed up Derra’s Designs – my shop, that’s located directly across the two-lane street. This area of the city is referred to as NoDa, short for North Davidson – the arts neighborhood in Charlotte. It’s almost summer which means in North Carolina, it’s already hot and it doesn’t get dark until around eight or nine – probably around the time we’ll leave Cabo and head back across the street to my place.
My apartment is conveniently located above my store –
a one-bedroom that works great since it’s just me. Sometimes, Romulus would crash there when he didn’t feel like taking the forty-minute drive back to his house in Ballantyne. Tonight, I hope he doesn’t want to crash. I’m not feeling like company these days, especially his company. I didn’t even want to do dinner with him tonight, so I surely don’t want him spending the night at my apartment. I can only take small doses of him these days – my fault, not his – but either way it goes, I can’t stand being too close to him. Not anymore. It’s torture, wanting something you can’t have, that is. That’s my relationship with Romulus. I want him, but I can’t have him because he’s cool with us being friends and he doesn’t have the slightest clue that I want more. He’s content with the friendship. Happy to have me around. I’ve been trying my best to be happy around someone else.
“Don’t act like you ain’t hear me,” Romulus says. “Who is he and please don’t say it’s that guitar dude?”
I look up at him again, literally feel myself getting hot and it doesn’t have anything to do with the muggy, humid night. He’s gazing across the table with his inquisitive, dark eyes, following my every move, or lack thereof. I’m not sure if it’s this blue, green and yellow island cocktail concoction the waiter recommended or the fact that in this lighting, Romulus looks like a chocolatey, sexy, beast of a man – perhaps a combination of both – with his chiseled jawline, beautiful brown skin and dark, heat-seeking eyes that looks sharper and more precise than the most sophisticated missile. His shirt is unbuttoned three buttons down. I see a dusting of hair on his chest and a little on his arms that’s just enough to be sexy. He’s still chewing. Taking bites of tacos and crunching on chips, destroying this salsa.
