I walk over to Brian, clasping my books tightly to my chest. I try to hide my shaking hands. I am a bit relieved when he appears to be just as nervous as me.
‘So, Dawn… I was wondering…’ He tries to maintain his cool posture, but I see through it because of his fidgeting, which I find absolutely adorable. He looks down at his shoes. ‘Are you going to the Christmas dance?’ he manages to ask.
I tilt my head to one side and pretend to think about it. ‘I guess, I haven’t really thought about it,’ I lie. It’s actually been on my mind since the school announced it two months ago. I have secretly been searching for the perfect dress for the perfect night that might never even happen.
‘If you don’t have a date already, would you want to go with me?’
I can sense he is preparing himself for rejection; probably because it’s taking so long for me to answer. Even so, I refuse to sound too desperate by replying too quickly. It’s all I can do not to shout ‘Hell yeah!’
Instead, I pretend to think once again and forcing myself to sound calm and offhand, I reply, ‘Sure, that would be nice.’
I see the relief wash over his face. He smiles, ‘Okay, that’s great.’
Is this really happening? Is my dream coming true?
I linger on for a moment, waiting for him to say something else. When he doesn’t say anything more, I excuse myself. I wander over to the girls’ locker room, so excited I am actually trembling. I can’t wait to tell Perry.
The lights flicker back on and I flutter out of my daze. Mr Valentine is yammering on about the movie I was supposed to have been paying attention to as he passes out the assignments. I look over the paper as it is passed back to me without reading a word, and slip it into my book. When the bell rings, I gather my belongings. I am the last one out the door. Brian is standing there.
‘I need to talk with you,’ he says, walking along with me as I try to ignore him. ‘Why won’t you return my phone calls?’
I walk on, still ignoring him. As we are about to pass the caretaker’s cupboard, he grabs me by the arm, opens the door and pushes me inside. In the dark, I curse at him as he fumbles for the light switch.
‘Talk to me, Dawn.’
The room is tiny and cluttered with boxes and cleaning supplies. There’s hardly any room to negotiate an escape and Brian is blocking the door. Irritated, I drop my books down onto a box and glare at him.
‘What do you want me to say?’
He looks at me and runs his fingers through his hair. ‘Do you blame me? Is that it?’
I shake my head. I don’t want to respond to his question. I don’t want to talk about any of it. I’m not ready.
‘Then what? Look, I know my friends were assholes… none of this should have happened.’
He gestures with his hands as he speaks. ‘I’m sorry for what happened; but I still want to be with you Dawn.’
‘I don’t even want to be with me.’ That seems to come out before I can stop it. But it is true.
Brian is making a visible effort to calm down. Then he steps towards me to take my hands in his.
‘We both made mistakes, but it wasn’t my finger that pulled the trigger and it wasn’t yours either. We can’t rectify this no matter how much we want to – we can only move on.’
I look up into his pleading eyes and think how bizarre this is; that the one person I’ve dreamed of being with since first grade is now begging me to be with him. And I don’t want him.
The butterflies in the stomach, the tingling from his touch, are gone. All gone. I feel nothing for him. Not anger, not resentment, not pity. Nothing.
‘I just can’t do this any more.’ My voice is weak.
‘Do what? Date me?’
Brian, please! I don’t want to elaborate. I don’t want to talk about it. All I want to do is get out of this cupboard and away from you! What can I say that would satisfy you enough to let me go?
Instead I say, ‘I just need more time. I need to sort this out on my own.’
Appearing resigned, he sighs. ‘I’m here for you.’
‘I know, Brian. I just need some time alone, that’s all.’
But in my head I’m thinking, ‘I just want you to leave me alone.’
He bends down to scoop up my books and hand them to me. I force out a reassuring smile as I take them and he steps aside and opens the door. Once I am free and clear of the cupboard, I walk quickly away without looking back. Further down the hall I duck into the girls’ room as the late bell rings, and go into a cubicle, locking the door. I sit down on the cold porcelain, balancing myself near the edge so I won’t get wet. I drop my books onto the floor and cross my arms over my aching stomach, rocking slowly back and forth.
Back and forth.
It is quiet.
I am alone.
My mind is prompting me against my will as it tries to retrieve memories I don’t want to remember. Memories that keep coming, like worms squirming and wriggling their way into my brain. I am remembering against my will. I am fighting the worms in my head. I know it would be so much easier if I just gave in and let the memories run their course, then it would be done and over with.
I feel like I am in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. If only I could wake up, I would have my best friend and my handsome boyfriend. I would be happy. I would be feeling butterflies and chills. I can’t remember what they feel like. I want to remember. Would it make a difference if I could remember?
CHAPTER 2
I’m thinking back. The night of the Christmas dance was the best night of my life. Perry and me were upstairs in my room, adding the finishing touches to my hair. Brian was down in the foyer waiting for me.
Perry is a great hairstylist. He would even style Mom’s hair every now and then. Perry was wearing Dad’s old tux and although it was a little too big, Perry looked like a perfect gentleman. I donned a yellow satin strapless dress I bought through the Macy’s catalogue and Perry said I looked just like a Disney princess. And for the first time in my life, I felt like a princess…
‘I envy you,’ Perry says as he sprinkles small yellow flowers throughout my hair. ‘Can I pretend that Brian is my date too?’
I laugh. ‘We’re all going together.’
‘I know. I just feel like a third wheel.’
I turn and look at him. ‘Without my third wheel, I couldn’t drive.’
Yeah, it was kind of corny, but it was true. I had come to depend on Perry a little too much, I guess.
I stand up and do a quick ‘look at me’ twirl and then Perry offers his arm for me to take. After all, a princess needs an escort, doesn’t she?
We walk downstairs where Brian is waiting. I watch Brian as I descend the stairs, his eyes open wide as he catches his breath. I am excited and nervous at the same time. The butterflies in my stomach are flying wild and I am feeling a bit light-headed; but oh, Brian looks so good in his tux.
All three of us have to take a few minutes to pose for Mom’s pictures. I think this is as big a night for her as it is for me. As we bundle up in our coats, Dad is giving us a short safety lecture about drinking and being responsible. Basically, he’s telling us not to do all the stuff he and Mom did on their prom night. But I won’t go into detail about that, because I still can’t face the fact that my parents still have sex. I want to think that adults only have sex to have kids and once the kids arrive, that’s the end of it. I still like to think like that, even though I know different. That night when I caught them in ‘the act’, the night before I started high school, traumatised me.
When at last we made our escape, we went out into the cold night air to climb into the white stretch limo. Brian’s parents had rented it for the occasion. Inside the limo there was Gary Garrison, Brian’s best friend, and his date Terri Morganstein. We all knew each other. Never spoke to each other, but we co-existed peacefully enough.
‘What’s up Perry?’ Gary says, putting his arm around Terri. ‘Where’s your date?’
Perry loo
ks at me sheepishly, ‘I’m the third wheel tonight.’
‘You should hook up with Carla Driver. She’ll be there.’
Perry and I exchange amused smiles. ‘I don’t think so,’ he says.
‘Suit yourself.’ He looks to Brian. ‘Hey man, didn’t you forget something?’ He points to Terri’s corsage.
‘Oh.’ Brian leans forward to get into the little refrigerator.
I look over to Perry and catch him staring fixated on Brian’s bum. For a minute, I got a bit jealous that my best friend was checking out my date. When Brian sits back with the corsage in his hand, Gary speaks up.
‘Hey man,’ he says to Perry. ‘Were you checking out Brian’s ass?’
Perry snaps his head up and looks at Gary. ‘No!’ He feigns disgust.
Brian looks at Perry. He seems more confused then anything.
‘Brian, he was staring at your ass, man.’ Gary insists.
‘No, I wasn’t!’ Perry shoots back. ‘I wasn’t looking at anything. I was just daydreaming.’
‘Yeah. About Brian’s ass.’
‘Knock it off Gary,’ Brian says firmly. ‘Leave him alone.’
‘Brian, I wasn’t looking –’
‘I know you weren’t bro. He’s just being an asshole.’
Gary huffs and turns his attention back to Terri, who is giggling through it all. Brian turns to me and takes the pink and white corsage from the plastic box. I put out my hand for him to slip it onto my wrist.
‘I can’t believe I almost forgot this,’ Brian says.
‘I love it,’ I say and reach over to show Perry, who acknowledges the corsage with a little smile then occupies himself by staring out the window.
On the drive to the dance, we talk about stuff and Perry keeps watch out the window, deliberately keeping out of any conversation. I can tell that he has been embarrassed. And I know Perry well enough to know that this won’t just pass in a heartbeat. It will eat him up inside for days.
When the driver pulls up to the gym entrance, we all file out of the limo. I take Brian’s arm and when I reach for Perry as he steps out, he just looks away.
Actually, that hurt me a little. But then Gary and Terri are standing beside us, and we walk up the steps and into the gym where the dance is already in full swing. For a minute we stand in the entrance and scan the room, noting who is there, and where.
We find a table off to the side to claim as our own. Perry pulls out a chair for me and we sit down alongside Terri as Brian and Gary go off to get us drinks.
When Brian returns, he’s only brought drinks for the two of us. I want to say something when I notice that Perry appears lonely and hurt, but Perry gets up to get a drink of his own. I wonder what’s going through Perry’s mind. Even if Perry is pretending to himself that he is out on a date with Brian, does he really think that Brian thinks of it that way?
I sip my punch as I look around at all the kids I never thought I would voluntarily be in the same room with. Perry comes back a few minutes later with his drink and a slice of white cake. I am chatting with Brian about the choice of pop music being played by a local band and next thing I know, Perry’s floating a fork loaded with white cake in front of my face.
‘Some sweets for the sweet?’ Perry says.
I take the bite, feeling somewhat annoyed that he had interrupted my conversation. But I’m also annoyed that I’m going to have to try to include Perry in my date somehow. Maybe a third wheel isn’t going to work out after all. I just swallow and smile and turn back to Brian.
‘Wanna dance?’ Brian asks as the band starts a slow number.
Oh the butterflies! I take his hand and follow him out onto the dance floor. Brian puts his arms around my waist and I put mine around his neck. Slowly we rock side to side, staring into each other’s eyes. I can feel his heart beating against mine. All I can think is that heaven couldn’t be better than this.
I close my eyes and touch my forehead to his. The butterflies have gone, leaving just a kind of tingling sensation in their wake. Brian is so warm and he smells so good. I just want to lock my arms around him and forget about everyone else in the gym. I can’t believe I’m dancing with the one person I thought I could never have. I am melting in his arms all through this song and well into the next.
But then halfway through the next song, Perry is tapping on Brian’s shoulder, asking if he can cut in. A state of bliss interrupted. I am annoyed. Brian hesitantly obliges, probably because he wants to be nice to Perry because Perry is my friend. I try to smile and watch as Brian walks back to our table as I continue the dance with Perry.
‘What are you doing?’ I say once Brian is out of earshot. I really don’t want to snap at him like that, but I am so annoyed I can’t control myself.
‘I’m dancing with my girl.’ He looks bewildered. ‘Am I doing something wrong?’
I can tell by the look on his face that he knows what he is doing. He is jealous that I am dating his crush and that his crush was getting all of my attention.
‘You have been acting weird since the limo ride.’ Actually, since before the limo ride, but I don’t feel like going into detail. ‘Every time I get Brian’s attention, you interrupt.’
We suddenly stop dancing and he takes a step back. ‘Am I bothering you?’
‘What is your problem?’
‘My problem? I’m sorry I wanted to have a good time with my best friend.’ Perry looks around and notices he’s drawing attention to himself. ‘Sorry if I’m ruining your night.’
I grab him by the arm when he tries to walk away. ‘I’m not trying to get rid of you. I just wanted some time alone with Brian.’
‘Fine, whatever.’
‘Are you mad because you got caught checking out my date?’
His face turns red. That answers the question.
‘You need to be more careful,’ I say. ‘These guys will make your life a living hell if they find out.’
‘I know,’ he says irritably. ‘I slipped. I’m just tired of… never mind.’
Perry steps back up to me and we finish the dance, but neither of us enjoy it.
Back at the table Carla Driver is sitting next to Brian and they both look up when we return. Carla smiles at Perry and asks him if he will dance with her. Perry looks from Brian to me, confused.
‘I’ve been here for two hours and haven’t danced yet,’ Carla says, stepping around the table to Perry, holding out her arm for him to take. Perry glances from her arm to me.
‘That would be fun Perry, go ahead,’ I say.
Perry looks at me like a whipped puppy and takes her arm, with forced gaiety. I feel a pang of guilt but at the same time relief. I can have some uninterrupted time with Brian. I know Perry will make me pay for this later, but I am going to make it worth it. At least Carla doesn’t smell like cat pee tonight.
I turn to Brian. ‘Did you arrange that?’
‘I thought it would be in everyone’s best interest.’
Brian seems to be sincere. At least if Perry appears to be dancing with a girl, anything Gary might want to spread about the ‘staring’ incident can be laughed away. I’m beginning to see Brian in an even brighter light.
For the rest of the night Brian is all mine. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of Perry dancing or sitting with Carla at another table. But he doesn’t bother us. At the end of the night I find out that Perry left the dance early, to find his own way home. I feel a combination of guilt and relief. I’m not entirely comfortable with that.
When I get home, Brian walks me up to my door. We shyly murmur our goodnights and I receive my first kiss. He hesitantly, yet gently, presses his lips onto mine and for those few seconds, I feel a chill shimmer up my spine. A perfect ending to a perfect night.
As I watch him step into the limo, watch the limo glide off into the night, I just stand for a few seconds to savour the moment. My lips still tingle from his kiss and the chills up my spine are only slowly fading away. The cold finally gets the best of me. I
pull out my key to the front door and stop when I hear a noise. I look around in the dark and see someone in the shadows at the corner of the house. The snow on the ground illuminates the night enough for me to see that it’s Perry. And walking unsteadily, with a small bottle of whisky in his hand.
‘What are you doing?’ I say as he approaches me in his drunken stupor.
‘Celebrating your first boyfriend,’ he slurs and turns the bottle up to drain the last of its contents. He tosses the bottle across the garden where it skips across the snow and shatters on the shovelled pavement.
‘You’re drunk.’
I am completely surprised. That’s one thing we never do – drink alcohol. Mostly because his mom is such an alcoholic. Perry has always been turned off by the stuff. The night – which had been heavenly for me – had obviously been hell for him.
‘Come in, you can sleep it off.’
He falls against me in his drunken stupor, nearly knocking me over with his weight.
‘I love you – you know that, right?’ Perry slurs.
‘I know.’
I open the door and help him inside. I’m not about to scold or argue with a drunken Perry. I don’t know what to expect from a drunken Perry. I’m not too eager to find out.
‘You are so lucky to be you,’ he says. I stumble with him over to the couch, where he falls over the arm backwards onto the cushions.
Before I am done wrestling his shoes off, he is out cold and snoring loudly. I cover him with a blanket, lock up the house and creep upstairs, past my parents’ room, to mine. As I slip out of my princess dress and into some flannel pyjamas, I touch the soft petals of the corsage with the tips of my fingers. I’m struggling with my good feelings of this dreamy night and my guilt over Perry.
All the same, I drift into sleep, playing back all the moments with Brian in my mind. I omit Perry’s disruptive behaviour, of course, and my last memory as I fall asleep is the sensation of Brian’s lips on mine.
In the morning I go down to breakfast to find Perry already sitting at the table with my parents. Dad looks me over with an arched brow, like he’s trying to work out if I’m sober.
Breaking Dawn Page 2
