by Jacob Chance
“Mmm, these might be the best eggs I’ve ever had. What else can you cook?” I ask as I make a sandwich out of my toast, eggs and bacon.
“I know how to make pretty much anything. I had to learn for Kenna when my parents passed away. Why? Are you going to use me for my cooking skills?” he asks before taking a bite of toast.
“No,” I shake my head. “I’m going to use you for sex,” I say deadpan and he laughs, rubbing my thigh with his hand. “So consider yourself warned.” I smile at him and he leans over to kiss me on the top of my head.
“Thanks for the warning, but the idea of you using me doesn’t seem like much of a hardship. Feel free to use me and abuse me in any capacity you can think of.”
I giggle at his reply, loving this lighter side of him. The awkwardness of the “morning after” is slipping away and it feels like we’re finding our footing while we navigate through this new territory.
While I sit here and continue eating I can’t help but wonder what he wants this thing between us to be. Are we in a relationship? Does he want more than sex or am I just a piece of ass to him? This feels like so much more to me, but maybe I’m romanticizing the situation. God, I hope I’m not. I’m already falling in love with him and the idea of him not returning those same feelings has me losing my appetite. The sinking feeling in my stomach is overpowering.
I put my fork down on my plate and take a sip of orange juice.
Calm down.
He wouldn’t go to all the trouble of cooking me breakfast if I was just a convenient lay, would he?
“What are we doing?” I blurt out. He looks at me, looks down at his plate and back up at me again.
“We’re eating breakfast,” he answers with a smirk. My lips quirk slightly, but I’m not really finding what he said funny. Now that I’ve put the question out there I need to know the answer.
“That’s not what I meant. What do you want from me—from us?”
He places his fork down and pushes his plate away before turning to face me in his seat. He pulls my chair closer to him, turning it so we’re facing each other. Maybe this conversation is the last thing he wants with me—maybe this is his way of saying goodbye. My stomach is in knots.
“I really thought you could tell how crazy I am about you. I should’ve known you’d need to hear the words. I’m sorry, I’m not someone who usually does this—who has relationships. For the past two years I’ve been alone, no women in my life at all.” I’m surprised by this. It’s difficult to imagine any guy going that long without sex, but it only makes him more attractive to me.
“I’m not the most romantic guy. I’ll probably suck at being a boyfriend, but Janny Moore, will you be my girlfriend?”
The smile on my face couldn’t be any larger as I answer, “Yes.” I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
He pulls me into his lap and lightly kisses me on the lips. He stares intently into my eyes, our faces close as I take in all the various shades of gold and brown that make up his irises. His hands slide into the sides of my hair, gripping my head and holding it still.
“I’m falling for you, Janny. I want to be with you and I don’t plan to let you go.”
I bite on my lower lip as I fight the urge to cry tears of happiness. My nose stings and my vision blurs before I feel a single tear roll slowly down my cheek.
“I hope this is a happy tear,” Kyle jokes and wipes my cheek with his thumb. I nod my head, still feeling too choked up to speak so I kiss him. I pour every bit of love I feel for him into the kiss and hope he can feel all the words I’m not ready to say—words I may never be ready to say.
***
We run by my place for clean clothes and a bag for tomorrow morning, before Kyle brings me to a park in South Boston for a picnic lunch. I’m not sure when he found the time between cleaning up the breakfast stuff and taking a shower, but he made us roast beef sandwiches and they’re delicious. He also packed Fritos, grapes and water—he thought of everything. We leisurely eat our lunch and then stretch out on the dark green blanket cuddled against one another. My full stomach, Kyle’s arms wrapped around me and the warmth of the sun lull me into a nap.
I wake up cold and notice the dense clouds blocking out all the warmth from the sun. I stretch my arm out, tearing off a blade of grass from the overgrown lawn and use it to tickle the end of Kyle’s nose. He scrunches his nose up in his sleep, but doesn’t stir. I bite my bottom lip to hold in my laughter while I try again, this time being a bit bolder about it. He wiggles his nose and then his eyes open catching me in the act. He grabs my hand and rolls me over trapping my arm above my head. He steals the grass from my fingers and uses it to tickle the skin on my neck before his lips join in on the delicious torture. He releases his hold on my arm and my fingers move to play in the thickness of his dark hair. I wrap my other arm around him while he teases my lips with brief kisses, making me long for more, but we’re in a public park with other people around.
“We should stop before I can’t. I don’t think this is the best place for me to rip your clothes off and have my wicked way with you.” He rolls over to his hip, sitting up and reaching into the bag he brought all the food in. He pulls out half a loaf of bread and I look at him questioningly.
“We’re going to feed the ducks.” He gestures in the direction of the pond. I sit up next to him, smoothing the back of my hair down.
“You’ve planned everything. I like a man who’s prepared,” I say as I lean into him. He wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me in close.
“Well, I never told you this, but I used to be a boy scout.” He glances down at me.
“So you’re always prepared?” I question.
He leans in and kisses me on the forehead before staring into my eyes, his expression now thoughtful.
“I wasn’t prepared for you.”
Chapter Ten
Kyle
Late - April
I’m on my way over to Sharon Moore’s house to discuss our lack of findings and collect the final payment for the work we did for her. With the initial surveillance and computer monitoring we didn’t find anything incriminating. Sharon then extended our contract for another two weeks. After all our investigating Bryan came up clean. The offshore account in the Cayman’s we found is in Bryan and Sharon’s names. They own a vacation home and use it whenever they stay there.
It’s been eight weeks since Janny and I went on our first date and things couldn’t be better with us. We’ve been spending all our free time together and sleeping over each other’s places a few nights each week. She sleeps at my condo more often than not, since I live alone and she has Elle. I’ve met her ex-boyfriend Josh and I wanted to punch him in the face for the way he looked at Janny. I hate knowing there’s a history between them and they’re still friends. Anyone with eyes can see he still wants her, but it’s never going to happen, she belongs with me and I’m never letting her go.
When I pull in the Moore’s driveway I take in the stately appearance of their large home. It’s a colonial style, like most in this well to do neighborhood, and there’s an attached three car garage where Bryan parks his vehicles. I know for sure he’s not here today, Sharon mentioned he would be golfing with some friends all afternoon when we scheduled this meeting.
I walk up the gently curved brick pathway to the door, thinking about Janny and how I left her earlier this morning, sleeping in her bed. I kissed her forehead and whispered “I love you,” but only because I knew she was sound asleep and couldn’t hear me. I’ve yet to say those three important words to her and I know it’s time for me to open up and tell her how deeply my feelings run. I’m sure she needs to hear it and I want her to know she’s the best part of my life.
I also have to tell her about how Sharon hired me. If she somehow found out before I’ve had a chance to speak with her it would be disastrous and it would irreparably hurt her. Hurting her is the last thing I would ever want to do.
Once I knock on the do
or it’s only a moment before Sharon invites me in. I follow her to the kitchen and we exchange pleasantries.
“Here’s the final report. It details everything we did.” I hand her the folder.
“Here’s your check. I really appreciate all you guys did and it’s a huge weight off my shoulders to know it was all in my imagination. I’m feeling a bit guilty I went behind his back and did this, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
I’m just about to reply when I hear a voice I wasn’t expecting to hear right now.
“Kyle, what are you doing here?” Janny asks, her brow furrowed.
Before I can say anything Sharon cuts in. “How do you two know each other?”
I open my mouth to answer, but Janny beats me to it.
“We’re friends. I know him from the coffee shop near school.” Janny looks unsure, standing there with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Sharon if there’s anything else you need, don’t hesitate to call,” I say while I move over toward Janny.
“Walk out with me, please.”
She hesitates for a moment and just when I think she’s not going to come with me, she takes a step in my direction. I wait until we’re outside and the door is closed before I say anything.
“I wanted to tell you I was working for Sharon, but ethically I couldn’t.”
Her arms are still crossed and she won’t look at me.
“How long have you been working for Sharon?” she asks.
Fuck.
I don’t answer her.
“How long?” she repeats the question her voice rising in volume.
“Before we met.”
Her eyes open wide and she laughs, but not in an amused way. She’s pissed and this is the only chance for me to come clean with her.
“Will you come sit in my car with me so I can explain?”
She looks as though she might say no.
“Please,” I beg.
She nods her head and walks beside me along the path. I open the passenger side door for her and head around to get in the driver side. She’s sitting stiffly in the seat, her back straight and eyes straight ahead.
“Sharon hired me to watch your brother.” Her gasp of shock interrupts me. “He’d been acting suspiciously and she wanted to make sure he wasn’t doing anything wrong. We put cameras up in the house, I gave her a new phone that would track where he went and we monitored his online activities. We didn’t find anything questionable on your brother.”
“Did you see me on those cameras?” she asks her voice a mere whisper.
I close my eyes for a moment and brace myself for the force of her anger.
“Yes. The first time I saw you was on a live video feed. You walked into your brother’s office to talk to him and I was immediately intrigued by you. I didn’t know who you were or why you were there, so I asked Sharon the next morning and she explained.”
She looks over at me, a shimmer of tears in her eyes. “Did you see me in my bedroom?” she questions, her voice rising on the last word.
Fuck. She’s not going to like this answer.
“Yes, I did.”
Why didn’t I tell her all of this sooner?
It would’ve been so much better coming from me than having it sprung on her unexpectedly.
“Oh my God.” Her head drops down and her hands come up to cover her face. “You saw private moments; moments you never should’ve seen.” She lowers her hands and her face is flushed with embarrassment. “Did you set up our first meeting?” She looks over and stares at me, willing me to answer.
“No, that was all an accident and so was our bumping into each other at the coffee shop, I had no idea you’d be there. I was so happy to see you again. It seemed like fate kept pushing us together. I knew I had to get to know you and someday I’d tell you how Sharon had hired me. I was planning on telling you soon, but I was afraid I’d lose you over it. I don’t want to lose you Janny. I’ve fallen in love with you.”
The tears are falling down both her cheeks now and I want to hold her in my arms so much.
“You don’t get to tell me that now. You’ve had plenty of time to say those words to me and you choose now? Those aren’t words you can just throw out there as a way to manipulate me into forgiving you.” She shakes her head with disgust and wipes her eyes with her hands.
“I meant what I said. I love you and I’m sorry I never told you before because I’ve felt this way for weeks now.” I reach my hand out to take hers and she stops me.
“Don’t touch me. Our whole relationship was formed on lies. How could you possibly think this is something I’d be able to get over? I let you in—you’re the first person I’ve let in since David died and this is what I get. Maybe being with Josh is the way to go, he never hurt me like this.”
I grimace when the arrow like meaning of her statement hits me dead on. My heart pounds with panic as she reaches for the door handle. “Janny, I meant it when I said I love you and I’m sorry I hurt you. It was never my intent and I hope you can see that.”
She looks over her shoulder at me and the anguish in her blue eyes—her cerulean blue eyes that I might never see again, makes my heart ache.
“Don’t call me again.” She turns away, gets out of the car and slams the door shut. While she walks along the path, she never once looks back.
“Fuck!” I punch the steering wheel in anger. She’s never going to forgive me for this.
It’s funny how life works sometimes. Everything can finally be falling into place, you can be happier than you’ve ever been and BOOM it all blows up in your face. What’s the point of even trying?
Chapter Eleven
Janny
Don’t look back—don’t look back—don’t look back. I remind myself over and over as I storm to the door. I’m so pissed off, but there’s a part of me that wants to turn around and catch the last glimpse of Kyle McKenzie. A sob leaves my mouth at the thought of never seeing him again.
I fall against the door while I turn the knob, my knees weak when despair washes over me. When I’m inside the house my focus switches to getting to my bedroom as fast as possible and once I’m in the sanctity of my own room I throw myself on the bed and let the sobs overtake me. My arms are wrapped around my stomach, my shoulders rolled forward as I curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up I glance at the clock, notice it’s late afternoon and realize I’ve been asleep for hours. My eyes feel gritty and my cheeks feel stiff from all the tears I’d shed earlier. My stomach turns when I think back to what happened with Kyle. I can’t believe all this. It feels so surreal. I woke up in his bed this morning after a night spent making love and now—he’s out of my life for good.
My head spins while I try to come to grips with it all.
I can’t stay in bed forever and I need to get back to the comfort of my own place. Elle is there and she’ll help me deal with everything.
***
The instant Elle sees my face she knows something’s wrong.
“What happened to you, Jam?” she asks, concern in her tone. Elle has always stood by me no matter what and I know she’ll get me through this horrible time too.
“Kyle and I are through. I ended things with him and we won’t be getting back together again.”
Elle looks surprised as she waits for me to continue.
“Sharon hired him to spy on Bryan and he saw me on the video feed before we met. I feel like I don’t even know who he is. All this time I’ve thought of him as one person and now I find out he’s someone totally different.” I bite on my thumb nail and try to keep the tears at bay. I’ve already wasted enough tears on Kyle McKenzie.
“Did he somehow orchestrate you guys meeting the first time?” Elle asks as she sits on our couch.
I walk over and sit down next to her, sinking into the deep cushions. “He says he didn’t, but I’m not sure what to believe at this point.” I grab one of the red pillows and hug it to my chest. “I never shoul
d’ve let him in. Why did I fall in love with him?”
“Jam, maybe you should give him another chance. If he didn’t arrange for you guys to meet, then I don’t think it’s that bad like you’re imagining it is. I know you’re hurt and that’s making it all seem even worse, but I think you should give him another chance. I can tell he really cares about you just by the way he looks at you.”
“I don’t know what to think Elle. Right now I just want to forget this day ever happened.”
Chapter Twelve
Kyle
In the five days since Janny ended our relationship, I haven’t been good for much. I go through the motions at work like I’m sleepwalking and I drink myself into oblivion each night so I can forget how lonely my bed seems without her here—how empty my life feels without her in it. I’ve texted her every single day and she never replies. I know she doesn’t care to talk to me right now, I don’t blame her, but if I don’t talk to her how can I fix this? I’m trying to give her space, but it’s so fucking hard to stay away from her. I’m tempted to go over to her apartment and demand she talk to me, but I’m afraid she’s already made up her mind and we’re through for good. If I don’t see her I can pretend I actually stand a chance of being with her again
I’m convinced I’ve hit rock bottom as I sit here outside the building where Janny has class right now. I’m parked curbside in one of K.D. Investigations stakeout cars so she won’t recognize me and I’m wearing a ball cap pulled low on my brow, along with shades. I’ve now resorted to actual stalking, how far I’ve fallen in such a short period of time.
Jesus.
I shake my head at what I’m doing right now, but I’m not disgusted with myself enough to drive away without at least a brief glimpse of her. I’ve gone five days without seeing her and I can’t go any longer. I need to know she’s okay. Getting my eyes on her will hopefully soothe this horrible ache in my chest or at the very least lessen it.
