So he sent out after him both horsemen and footmen, and easily overcame them, because they were unarmed men; of these many were slain in the fight, but some were taken alive, and brought to Catullus.
As for Jonathan, the head of this plot, he fled away at that time; but upon a great and very diligent search, which was made all the country over for him, he was at last taken. And when he was brought to Catullus, he devised a way whereby he both escaped punishment himself, and afforded an occasion to Catullus of doing much mischief;
for he falsely accused the richest men among the Jews, and said that they had put him upon what he did.
Now Catullus easily admitted of these his calumnies, and aggravated matters greatly, and made tragical exclamations, that he might also be supposed to have had a hand in the finishing of the Jewish war.
But what was still harder, he did not only give a too easy belief to his stories, but he taught the Sicarii to accuse men falsely.
He bid this Jonathan, therefore, to name one Alexander, a Jew (with whom he had formerly had a quarrel, and openly professed that he hated him); he also got him to name his wife Bernice, as concerned with him. These two Catullus ordered to be slain in the first place; nay, after them he caused all the rich and wealthy Jews to be slain, being no fewer in all than three thousand.
This he thought he might do safely, because he confiscated their effects, and added them to Caesar’s revenues.
Nay, indeed, lest any Jews that lived elsewhere should convict him of his villainy, he extended his false accusations further, and persuaded Jonathan, and certain others that were caught with him, to bring an accusation of attempts for innovation against the Jews that were of the best character both at Alexandria and at Rome.
One of these, against whom this treacherous accusation was laid, was Josephus, the writer of these books.
However, this plot, thus contrived by Catullus, did not succeed according to his hopes; for though he came himself to Rome, and brought Jonathan and his companions along with him in bonds, and thought he should have had no further inquisition made as to those lies that were forged under his government, or by his means;
yet did Vespasian suspect the matter and made an inquiry how far it was true. And when he understood that the accusation laid against the Jews was an unjust one, he cleared them of the crimes charged upon them, and this on account of Titus’ concern about the matter, and brought a deserved punishment upon Jonathan; for he was first tormented, and then burnt alive.
But as to Catullus, the emperors were so gentle to him, that he underwent no severe condemnation at this time; yet was it not long before he fell into a complicated and almost incurable distemper, and died miserably. He was not only afflicted in body, but the distemper in his mind was more heavy upon him than the other;
for he was terribly disturbed, and continually cried out that he saw the ghosts of those whom he had slain standing before him. Whereupon he was not able to contain himself, but leaped out of his bed, as if both torments and fire were brought to him.
Thus his distemper grew still a great deal worse and worse continually, and his very entrails were so corroded, that they fell out of his body, and in that condition he died. Thus he became as great an instance of Divine Providence as ever was, and demonstrated that God punishes wicked men.143
The passage creates a puzzle that uses the name-switching technique found in the Decius Mundus puzzle (which will be analyzed in the next chapter) to identify the creators of Christianity. They are the individuals who were falsely accused by Catullus—Josephus, Bernice, and Alexander. The inventors of Christianity have signed their work, so to speak, in the correct place—at the end of their story.
I believe that the “Bernice” and the “Alexander” in the passage are easily identified as Titus’ mistress Bernice, and either Marcus Alexander, who actually was Bernice’s husband but who died before the Jewish war, or his brother Tiberius Alexander, Titus’ Jewish chief of staff during the siege of Jerusalem. These individuals had both the technical knowledge of Judaism and the ethical perspective required to create Christianity. The New Testament, continuing its parallels with Wars of the Jews, mentions in Acts both an Alexander,144 believed by most scholars to actually be Tiberius Alexander, and a Bernice.
To recognize that a puzzle exists the reader must, once again, recognize parallels—in this case, that Catullus and Judas, the identifier of Jesus, share a number of attributes.
The most obvious parallel between the two is that Catullus dies in the same improbable manner—unknown to medical science—as Judas. That is, “his very entrails … fell out of his body.” This is an exact parallel to the death of Judas.
And falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.145
The description of Judas’ bowels gushing out does not occur in the Gospels but in Acts. The event is in the New Testament at this point, to maintain its parallel with the events in Wars of the Jews. The parallel “gut spillers” create another prophecy in Jesus’ ministry that is fulfilled in Titus’ campaign.
Judas and Catullus are also parallels in that both of their accusations involve a messianic individual, and neither is true. Josephus, Bernice, and Alexander certainly did not initiate a religion, or “innovation,” led by a Messiah-like member of the Sicarii. They would have established just the opposite kind of “innovation.” Jesus is, of course, famous for having been innocent. He was certainly not the type of Sicarii military leader that Pontius Pilate would have needed to crucify. In fact, Jesus was the exact opposite of such an individual.
The technique establishing that there is a puzzle needing to be solved is the same one used throughout the New Testament and Wars of the Jews—that is, parallels. As with the Decius Mundus puzzle in the following chapter, unusual parallels between characters invite the reader to seek an explanation. But to solve the puzzle that the parallels create, the reader must step out of the surface narrative and into another perspective. The reader has to relate to the text from a broad rather than a narrow perspective and has to be prepared to think the “unthinkable,” to seek a solution that is outside the flow of information provided by the surface narration.
I would note that the satirical system that unites the New Testament and Wars of the Jews can be seen as an exercise in mind expansion, in that to solve the puzzles the reader must learn to think “outside the box,” so to speak. The authors were making the point that the narrow focus the Sicarii Zealots maintained regarding only a few scrolls was a limited and inaccurate mode of thought. The authors seem to be suggesting that only by seeing all sides of a problem can the truth be known. Therefore, it is possible that they designed the New Testament as a tool to intellectually uplift the messianic rebels. If such was the authors’ intention, it only adds to the incredible nature of the work, which is perhaps more amazing when seen as a secular psychological device rather than as a world-historical religious work.
The puzzle that explains the parallels between Judas and Catullus is designed to turn the two stories from tales that relate what is false into tales that state what is true.
To solve the puzzle the reader must simply do as Decius Mundus recommends in the following chapter and “value not this business of names.” To create the “truth,” simply switch the names of the messiahs. Thus, had Judas named “Jonathan” as the Messiah who needed to be crucified, and Catullus had accused Josephus, Bernice, and Alexander as having put “Jesus” “up to what he did,” both passages would be transformed into the truth. Jonathan was a Sicarii messianic leader who, from the perspective of the Romans, deserved to be crucified, and Jesus had “been put up to what he did”—that is to say, was created by—Josephus, Bernice, and Alexander.
The fact that the “Alexander” who participated in the plot is described as Bernice’s husband helps us see the subtle point. Because the Alexander who was Bernice’s husband was dead before the war broke out, it is not Josephus, Bernice, and her late husband who are being identifie
d here. It is the families of these individuals who authored the Gospels—the Flavians, Herods, and Alexanders.
I would again note that the authors of the New Testament seem to be stating that one could not know the truth unless one considers more than one book or scroll, that is, unless one reads intertextually. In this case, Acts and Wars of the Jews create the parallels. I suspect that the authors are being critical of the Sicarii Zealots, who believed that they could know the truth from a very limited set of documents. The authors are presenting a real-life example of the inaccuracies that occur whenever readers cannot look beyond the single narrative in front of them.
Josephus concludes Wars of the Jews with the following paragraph. He was insistent that he wrote the truth “after what manner this war of the Romans with the Jews was managed.”
And here we shall put an end to this our history; wherein we formerly promised to deliver the same with all accuracy, to such as should be desirous of understanding after what manner this war of the Romans with the Jews was managed.
Of which history, how good the style is, must be left to the determination of the readers; but as for its agreement with the facts, I shall not scruple to say, and that boldly, that truth hath been what I have alone aimed at through its entire composition.146
Josephus, like the Apostle Paul, reminds the reader over and over that he is writing the “truth.” Perhaps this is one of the reasons the authors of the New Testament and the works of Josephus create the elaborate system by which their authorship of Christianity could be known. They did not wish those in the future, who would one day discover the truth, to think of them as liars.
CHAPTER 11
The Puzzle of Decius Mundus
I believe that the Flavians did not intend to have sophisticated people like themselves take their invention, Christianity, seriously. Josephus describes the individuals who fomented the rebellion in Judea as “slaves” and “scum.” These are the individuals that Rome would have seen as being susceptible to an infatuation with militant Judaism. It was for this group, hoi polloi, that they created the religion.
This is why the authors of the New Testament and Josephus felt free to put into their creations the puzzles and lampoons that “notified” the educated of the true origin of the religion. They did not believe that the masses—the uneducated slaves and peasants for whom Christianity was intended—would understand these puzzles, an assumption that has proven to be correct. However, they certainly wanted the puzzles to be solved eventually. Only then could Titus’ greatest achievement—that of transforming himself into “Jesus”—be appreciated.
My interpretation of the following passages is that they create a puzzle whose solution shows how the puzzles in the New Testament can be solved. The puzzle itself is quite easy to solve; the only difficult aspect of it is recognizing that the puzzle exists.
There are three “pieces” to the puzzle. One of these is the Testimonium Flavianum, which is the name scholars have given to Josephus’ one and only, very short description of the “Christ.” The other two “pieces” of the puzzle are the two tales that immediately follow the Testimonium.
To date, scholars have not recognized that the Testimonium and the two tales that follow it create a puzzle, simply because they have failed to see that the three tales must have been created as an interrelated set—that is, they were created in direct relationship to one another. Once this proposition is understood, it becomes clear that they form a puzzle whose solution is also obvious.
Here is the Testimonium and the two odd tales that follow it.
Now there was about this time Jesus, a wise man, if it be lawful to call him a man; for he was a doer of wonderful works, a teacher of such men as receive the truth with pleasure. He drew over to him both many of the Jews and many of the Gentiles. He was [the] Christ.
And when Pilate, at the suggestion of the principal men amongst us, had condemned him to the cross, those that loved him did not at first forsake him, for he appeared to them alive the third day, as the divine prophets had foretold these and ten thousand other wonderful things concerning him. And the tribe of Christians, so named from him, are not extinct at this day.
About the same time also another sad calamity put the Jews into disorder, and certain shameful practices happened about the temple of Isis that was at Rome. I will now first take notice of the wicked attempt about the temple of Isis, and will then give an account of the Jewish affairs.
There was at Rome a woman whose name was Paulina; one who, on account of the dignity of her ancestors, and by the regular conduct of a virtuous life, had a great reputation: she was also very rich; and although she was of a beautiful countenance, and in that flower of her age wherein women are the most gay, yet did she lead a life of great modesty. She was married to Saturninus, one that was every way answerable to her in an excellent character.
Decius Mundus fell in love with this woman. He was a man very high in the equestrian order; and as she was of too great dignity to be caught by presents, and had already rejected them, though they had been sent in great abundance, he was still more inflamed with love to her, insomuch that he promised to give her two hundred thousand Attic drachmae for one night’s lodging;
and when this would not prevail upon her, and he was not able to bear this misfortune in his amours, he thought it the best way to famish himself to death for want of food, on account of Paulina’s sad refusal; and he determined with himself to die after such a manner, and he went on with his purpose accordingly.
Now Mundus had a freed-woman, who had been made free by his father, whose name was Ide, one skillful in all sorts of mischief. This woman was very much grieved at the young man’s resolution to kill himself, (for he did not conceal his intentions to destroy himself from others,) and came to him, and encouraged him by her discourse, and made him to hope, by some promises she gave him, that he might obtain a night’s lodging with Paulina;
and when he joyfully hearkened to her entreaty, she said she wanted no more than fifty thousand drachmae for the entrapping of the woman. So when she had encouraged the young man, and gotten as much money as she required, she did not take the same methods as had been taken before, because she perceived that the woman was by no means to be tempted by money; but as she knew that she was very much given to the worship of the goddess Isis, she devised the following stratagem:
She went to some of Isis’ priests, and upon the strongest assurances [of concealment], she persuaded them by words, but chiefly by the offer of money, of twenty-five thousand drachmae in hand, and as much more when the thing had taken effect; and told them the passion of the young man, and persuaded them to use all means possible to beguile the woman.
So they were drawn in to promise so to do, by that large sum of gold they were to have. Accordingly, the oldest of them went immediately to Paulina; and upon his admittance, he desired to speak with her by herself. When that was granted him, he told her that he was sent by the god Anubis, who was fallen in love with her, and enjoined her to come to him.
Upon this she took the message very kindly, and valued herself greatly upon this condescension of Anubis, and told her husband that she had a message sent her, and was to sup and lie with Anubis; so he agreed to her acceptance of the offer, as fully satisfied with the chastity of his wife.
Accordingly, she went to the temple, and after she had supped there, and it was the hour to go to sleep, the priest shut the doors of the temple, when, in the holy part of it, the lights were also put out. Then did Mundus leap out, (for he was hidden therein,) and did not fail of enjoying her, who was at his service all the night long, as supposing he was the god;
and when he was gone away, which was before those priests who knew nothing of this stratagem were stirring, Paulina came early to her husband, and told him how the god Anubis had appeared to her. Among her friends, also, she declared how great a value she put upon this favor,
who partly disbelieved the thing, when they reflected on its nature, and partly
were amazed at it, as having no pretense for not believing it, when they considered the modesty and the dignity of the person.
But now, on the third day after what had been done, Mundus met Paulina, and said, “Nay, Paulina, thou hast saved me two hundred thousand drachmae, which sum thou mightest have added to thy own family; yet hast thou not failed to be at my service in the manner I invited thee. As for the reproaches thou hast laid upon Mundus, I value not the business of names; but I rejoice in the pleasure I reaped by what I did, while I took to myself the name of Anubis.”
When he had said this, he went his way. But now she began to come to the sense of the grossness of what she had done, and rent her garments, and told her husband of the horrid nature of the wicked contrivance and prayed him not to neglect to assist her in this case. So he discovered the fact to the emperor;
whereupon Tiberius inquired into the matter thoroughly by examining the priests about it, and ordered them to be crucified, as well as Ide, who was the occasion of their perdition, and who had contrived the whole matter, which was so injurious to the woman. He also demolished the temple of Isis, and gave order that her statue should be thrown into the river Tiber;
Caesar's Messiah: The Roman Conspiracy to Invent Jesus:Flavian Signature Edition Page 32
