“There isn’t much to talk about.” I exhaled. “It was Alex. I haven’t heard from him in weeks. Mark told me that Alex asked about me, but he’s never contacted me before today.”
“Did you want him to?” I tilted my head and lowered my brows. “Did you want him to contact you? You can try to deny it, but the look you got on your face when you heard the message says otherwise. We’re friends. You can tell me. I won’t judge you, ever.”
Thinking about how I could phrase this was difficult for me because I really didn’t know. “Yes, part of me has wondered why he hasn’t contacted me. Unfortunately, as I always do, I assumed it meant he had found someone else and wasn’t thinking of me. Pitiful, I know, but if you saw the flurry of female activity that I witnessed not just once but all the time, you’d feel the same way. To tell you the truth, it makes me sad, really sad. Loving and what I thought was being loved by Alex was everything to me, and in a blink of an eye, no pun intended, it was gone, and not just him but everything. My job, my friends, my apartment, and everything I went to school for and studied so hard to achieve were just gone. I don’t blame him. That wouldn’t be fair. This was my fault, all of it. What hurts the most is that he lied to me. He deliberately did something that he knew would crush me so deeply. Just thinking about it makes my chest hurt, and he did it anyway. I thought he loved me. That’s not love, is it?”
He was very quiet. Maybe that was too much information to blurt out. Taking my hand out of his, I rubbed my chest, trying to get rid of the pain that was there. Although it was most likely emotional, it was felt physically. “Was that too much?”
“No, it wasn’t. I’m just trying to figure out the right thing to say. Unfortunately, I have been in his shoes. I hate that it needs to be said, but it is the truth. Losing someone not too long ago myself, I understand both sides. It makes me wonder if he felt just as hurt by you. My girlfriend did some things that I didn’t agree with, and by pushing all her buttons the right way, I caused her to walk away. At the time, I thought it was a way of protecting myself, but now, seeing how hurt you are, I wish I had taken a different tack. It makes me second-guess my actions. Unfortunately, they cannot be taken back. We need to learn from them, accept them, and move on. We wouldn’t be the people we are today if our past didn’t happen.”
I was really thinking about what he said. How different would I be if there’d never been an Alex and me? If he’d never entered my life, would it be better or worse? Eyesight aside, other than coming clean on the journal, which was really a non-issue because it wasn’t even important and I honestly was starting to forget about it, my life was better because of him. Still, the hurt was there, and it didn’t seem to want to leave my heart.
“I understand what you’re saying, and I’m so sorry that you’ve endured the hurt that we’re both feeling. The thing is he didn’t just break my heart; he destroyed my heart . . . destroyed me. I’m not referring to my eyesight. If I could have him back, us back, before all of this happened, I’d give my eyes away, but that isn’t the case.” That was the truth too. Having my eyesight was nothing in comparison to having Alex. “Do you think I should text him back?”
“Why don’t we eat lunch first since the waitress must have brought it without our realizing? You can think about whether that is something that you really want to do. I can’t tell you what to do. My job as your friend is to listen, give my opinion when asked, and be there for you in good and bad times. I’ll always have your back, no matter what.”
The rest of our lunch was silent. I felt as if every word in my brain was expelled that day, and I was getting tired, so we went home after lunch. Frank dropped Chance back off at his place, and we agreed that we would take a day or two to relax at home, well, Chance at his and me at my parents’ place.
Chapter 27
There was so much that I needed to think about. My parents weren’t back yet. Bringing my tablet to the back patio and sitting on a chaise, I thought about my conversation with Chance. Maybe Chance had a point about the fact that I hadn’t made contact with Alex. I felt so confused. I really wanted to email him. Maybe I would feel better and it would start to lead to some closure.
My feelings were all over the place. When I didn’t hear from him, my heart hurt. When he sent me a text message, my heart hurt. When I heard his name, my heart hurt. I decided that I was screwed no matter how I looked at it, so I decided to email Alex rather than text him. I spoke into the mic and laid it out for him.
5:10 p.m.
Hi Alex,
I received your text. I’m doing well. Thank you. My parents’ place is very comfortable and accommodating. There’s no need for you to worry.
I can’t say I wasn’t surprised to get your text message, because it did surprise me. I don’t want to rehash what happened the night of my accident. I know that I should have told you about my romance research, but we turned into so much more that it wasn’t even important to me anymore. You were. I didn’t even want to write about it. I didn’t have to because I had you. I was living romance.
But, I’m tired, Alex. Losing you and trying to get over you are exhausting. There are days when I force myself to not think about it. But you need to know that it’s over; we are over. I will always care about you and want the best for you, but the hurt and pain that you caused my heart is too much for me to get over right now, if ever. I’m trying to figure out why your first reaction was to do the one thing that you said you wouldn’t do. I am not talking about the kiss; I am referring to the hurt.
Some say that loving and losing someone is better than never loving at all; and others say that if it is too good to be true it probably is. Those are the thoughts that plague me every day.
Take care,
Aubrey
I hit send and let out a deep breath along with tears. Alone again and lost in my thoughts, I knew that I would never get over him and that no one would ever be able to take his place. It always came back to the same question: How could I trust him again? And now it was worse because I couldn’t even see if he was doing anything. Being blind makes you realize that trust is the most important thing in life. Aside from my parents, I trust Julie and Mark with my life, I trust Frank to drive me places, and I trust Chance with . . . everything. I did trust him just as I trusted Julie and Mark. I wish that I could trust Alex that way; I did at one point. He convinced me that our love was real. Seeing him kiss Leah was bad enough, but the intent he had when he did it was difficult for me to comprehend.
I decided to explore my tablet in greater detail, now that I was able to read more braille. My instructor had showed me where the music app was and had told me that some songs had already been downloaded; I assumed they had come with the tablet. I never imagined that Alex put them there. I remembered Julie saying he had downloaded books, but I couldn’t remember if she said music as well. I opened the app, put my headphones on, and played the first song. It was the song we danced to, the song about lovers who were separated by an ocean. Tears immediately came; the lyrics affected me in a way that they hadn’t before. It wasn’t my first time hearing this song, but now the lyrics meant more to me. Was this why he said, “Listen to the wave”? I felt as if Alex were singing it to me from across the Atlantic.
The rest of the songs followed suit. I dragged my fingers down the song titles to see what else was there, and as I passed the last one, I brought my fingers back up and slowly moved them over the title of the song. My heartbeat got stronger, and my hands started shaking. “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra. It was the song we danced to at the benefit. I rolled on my side, hit play, and wrapped my arms around myself, almost trying to remember what it felt like to be in his arms. The song didn’t play right away; instead, I heard Alex’s voice. I immediately sat up, feeling completely disoriented. For a moment, I thought he was there, but his voice was in my headphones. I lay back down, started the track over, and listened to the sound of his voice; it had been so long.
“Aubrey, I added t
his song to your playlist because it reminds me of a very happy time, the night you accompanied me to the benefit dinner, a night I will never forget. Every other year that I’d attended the event I was sad. It reminded me of what I lost and the horrible way I lost her, lost them. This year I had you. I had you dancing in my arms, consuming my thoughts, and occupying my heart. That was a great night. I wish I could talk to you and try to make you forgive me, but I don’t want to hurt you more than I have, so I won’t let myself call you, and it is killing me.”
“I am so sorry for everything—for not asking you about your journal before I assumed the worst, for drinking that night, and most of all for hurting you.” I could hear his breathing changing as he was talking. “I broke my promise. I’m thinking about selling the club to Brett and Tyler. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want anything else but you, Aubrey. Please forgive me. No other woman means anything to me; nothing does, only you.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I have loved three women in my lifetime; my mom, my sister and you, please don’t tell me I’ve lost them all.”
I heard muffling, as if his hand were over the microphone. Was he crying? God, I hope not. He sounded so sad; there was no life in his voice, no buoyancy; it was just flat.
“I want you back. I’ll show you the world through my eyes; we’ll see it together. Please come back to me. You’re everything to me. I hope you enjoy the song, I listen to it every day.”
Then the song started playing. The next thing I knew, my tablet was on the bed, I was standing next to my bed with my hands in the dancing position, and I was swaying to the music, dancing by myself. I could feel his right hand on the small of my back, his thumb rubbing my spine, his left hand holding mine, not too tightly, but tight enough to know that he had a hold of me. I realized that he still had a hold on me. I could have tried to deny it, but it would have been no use. The song ended and I was still swaying. It was the last song on the list, so it was now eerily quiet.
I replayed his message. I didn’t want him to sell the club. It was his, and now, with the addition of Amoureux, it was so beautiful. If he sold it, what would he do? I couldn’t let him do that because of me. It was about twelve-thirty in the afternoon in New York, so I decide to call him.
My fingers were trembling as I tried to dial his number. As I heard the phone line connecting, I thought that maybe he wouldn’t be there and that I could just leave a message.
One ring—that was all it took.
“Aubrey?”
“Hi, I listened to your message. Um, thank you for the songs.” I pictured him pacing.
“You’re welcome. I hope you liked them. How are you?”
“I’m okay, getting by, you know? I don’t want to drag this out, so I am just going to say it.” I grabbed a tissue because my eyes were watering, but I wasn’t crying. I didn’t understand my eyes anymore. “As I said, I listened to your message; I actually listened to it twice. I miss you too. I truly do.” I heard him let out a breath. “That doesn’t change anything, at least it doesn’t right now. I know I lied and I am very sorry. I never used you, not even that first night. You shocked me that night. I think I started falling for you then. I know I was wrong not telling you, but it really wasn’t a big deal since we were so much more than those words. It wasn’t my intent to hurt you.” And there it was. I made sure to stress “intent.”
“I know that, Aubrey. I’ve told you over and over how sorry I am. I don’t know what else to do.”
“There isn’t anything you can do.”
“Okay, I understand. It doesn’t mean I’ll give up; I’ll never stop loving you. I know you have your parents there, but if you ever need to talk, I know I wouldn’t be your first choice, but I am here if you need me.”
“Thank you, but I actually made a good friend here. He’s helped me out a lot.”
“Oh? He’s a friend or is he more?”
“He’s a friend, but I’m not going to lie to you. He’s a good man. I think you would actually like him; he’s a lot like you in some ways.”
Chance would never take the place of Alex; no one would.
“Alex, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you should sell the club. You created that club and named it for your mom. It’s you. Don’t sell it.”
I cleared my throat and wiped my eyes. I blinked a few times and saw the shadow of the bed, and then I saw a flower pattern that adorned the bedspread. What was happening? I could see light and color. This had never happened before. I needed to get off the phone.
“I should go. It was good talking to you. Take care.”
“Wait, can I talk to you again? Can I call you sometime?
“Sure. Bye, Alex.”
I sat down and looked around my room. I was dabbing my eyes with a tissue. I felt the need to lower my eyelids, but I was afraid that if I did, I would open them up to nothing. I could see a window and what looked like a tree outside. I saw the sun; it must have been starting to set, because it was low. I hadn’t seen a sunset in so long. I never thought about it before. I saw a chair in the corner and a door on the opposite wall. I was taken aback by everything that is so normal to see on an everyday basis, but I hadn’t seen in months.
I didn’t understand what was happening, but I was alone in the house, so I decided to call Chance.
“Hello there.”
“Chance, I just saw my bedspread. I saw shadows, light, color, and flowers. I could see them. I really could. It was fuzzy, but they were there! I saw the window and the chair. I think I even saw the sun!”
“That is amazing, Aubrey! Were you with your parents when it happened? Can you still see?”
I exhaled. “No, I was actually talking to Alex when it happened, and I am just seeing shadows right now.”
“Oh. But you told your parents, right?”
“I’m home alone. Frank is off for the night; can you come over and pick me up? I want to go to the park.” I wanted to be able to see things so badly.
“Give me the address, and I will be there as soon as I can. Aubrey, I am really happy for you.”
I called my mom and told her I was going out for a bit. Then I walked out the main door and waited for Chance on the porch. It dawned on me that the first person I’d thought of calling was Chance and I’d already been talking to Alex. My heart broke a little at that thought. I wanted to give Alex a hug so badly when he sounded so sad, but when I had happy news, my thoughts went to Chance. I wished I could combine them; they were both amazing men. I guess the difference was Chance hadn’t hurt me and I didn’t think he would, or worse, I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to. My heart was closed, and it would take a lot for it to open.
I heard a car pull up. I looked up and saw an outline of what looked like a sedan, and then a shadow was approaching me.
“Hi there, are you waiting for a handsome non-kidnapper to take you to the park?”
I laughed. “As a matter of fact I am.”
“Well, here I am. Let’s go.”
We got in his car and the music was playing. I didn’t know the song, but it sounded like something that would be played at a club. A club? Yeah, he would always be in my thoughts. “What song is this?”
“‘The Big Bang’ by Rock Mafia.”
“I like the beat of it.” I was shifting in my seat; it was as if there were ants in my pants. I couldn’t wait to get to the park.
“You okay over there? Do you need the ladies’ room?”
“Ha-ha. I’m fine. I just want to get to the park.”
“What are you seeing now, anything?”
“Just moving lights. Do the cars have headlights on?”
“Yes, some do, yes. This is wonderful, Aubrey. Can you see me?”
I really wished I could see him. “No, I can’t, just an outline.”
He exhaled. Was he nervous about the way he looked? Maybe he was one of those metrosexual guys or whatever they are called who are very particular about their appearance.
I couldn’t stop smiling. I f
elt as if I were beaming. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I was. How could I not? The car came to a stop, and I heard Chance’s door open and then mine. He touched my hand and led me out of the car. I paused for a moment to listen. “It’s quiet here, are there many people here? I really wish I could see for myself.”
“No, not many. The park might be closing soon.”
I could listen to him talk all day. “Your accent is beyond hot. Have I ever mentioned that before?”
He laughed. “As a matter of fact, yes, you have, but you can keep telling me that. I packed us some dinner, nothing heavy, because I didn’t know if you had eaten already.”
He lowered me down to the familiar blanket, and I sat down and looked around. I felt Chance next to me.
“I am not going to constantly ask if you see something, because I don’t want to make you feel bad if you don’t.”
“I won’t feel bad, but right now it’s still fuzzy. I’m going to call Dr. Beaumont tomorrow and make an appointment. I’m hoping my MRI results will be in soon too.”
Chance was rubbing my arm. “Please call me and tell me what he says, okay?”
“I promise to call. Didn’t you say something about dinner?” Chance informed me we were having tuna salad, grapefruit wedges, and carrots. “That’s all the right food for my eyes, right?
“That is right.” He laughed. “I have to do what I can.”
“Chance, I’ve been thinking about something, but if you think it is too weird, let me know and I’ll be fine with it.”
“Okay, what is it?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “Will you kiss me?” He said nothing. The silence spoke volumes. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked that. I just feel close to you right now, and I miss—”
“Shhh.”
He took my face in his hands. I tried to focus on him, on his face, but I couldn’t see anything, not even a shadow. He gave me a kiss on each cheek, then my nose, and a gentle one on my lips. I barely felt it. He rested his head on my shoulder. My hand grazed his back, and he flinched. I never thought that this might not be what he wanted, but I really wanted him. I didn’t know what it was—my conversation with him earlier, the excitement of my eyesight doing weird things, or was it my conversation with Alex? He reminded me so much of Alex in the beginning of our relationship. All the good things that made me fall in love with him, I was feeling with Chance. What was I doing? “I am really sorry; I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. It wasn’t fair of me.”
Unexpected Chance Page 20
