I got off Bobby and went over to the troll, yanking the dildo-sword out of her mouth and dismissing it into the ether. She sucked in a huge breath and opened her eyes. I took advantage of this momentary respite, helping the troll to her feet and handing her one of the non-sword dildos.
“Here. My apologies for nearly choking you to death with a dick. And my kid is sorry he accidently teleported you.” I guided the dazed troll toward the door. “There’s a nice bridge a bit north of here. Just hang a left on Route 27. You’ll feel right at home. Bye. Have a nice life.”
I shut the door and watched as the troll staggered down my driveway, past Wyatt’s house and out of sight, the entire time clutching a floppy, twelve-inch, bright green dildo.
Turning to Lux, I grinned. “That was fun. If you’ve got any more rings belonging to trolls, then definitely count me in.”
“Is it safe to come out yet?” a voice called out.
The UPS guy was cowering under the table. I knelt down and handed him his broken tablet. “Sorry about that. The troll’s gone, although you might want to avoid 27 north for the next hour or so.”
He scooted out, looking at the dildos scattered around the floor, then glancing at Lux who hovered a few feet off the ground, his wings flapping to keep him aloft.
“Sorry,” Lux told the man. “Trolls are scary.”
I shrugged. “Nah. They just get freaked out over strangers. And being teleported into a house. She’ll be fine once she gets to a bridge and can hide out.”
I brushed the dust off the UPS guy’s uniform, straightening his shirt and feeling up his ass while I was at it. “So how about stripping at that party?”
“Not for all the money in the world.” He scooted away from my roving hands and was out the door faster than Usain Bolt running the forty-yard dash. The brown truck actually spun its tires, tossing both gravel and undead rats as he tore down my driveway.
“Can I play with toys?”
I turned to see Lux clutching the moose in one arm and Bobby in the other.
“The moose is yours, but I need Bobby for a party. You can have him when we’re done— if he’s still in one piece, that is.” I looked around at the mess of sex toys. “Give me a hand cleaning all this up and we’ll go deliver another ring.”
Lux set the moose on the dining room table, then patted its head before starting to pick up vibrators. I collected the dildos, thankful that I’d thought to buy extra since I’d sent the troll away with one. Hmm. Maybe I should buy a few boxes of these and give them out for Christmas. Or just give them out randomly to pizza delivery guys, my manicurist, the garbage people…
My mind wandered from sex toys back to Blue Fire.
“What do you think about angels who break human laws?” I asked Lux as I shoved the dildos back into a box. He was an Angel of Order. It would be good to have an unbiased opinion on these things.
“Which laws?”
Lux’s question preceded a flood of telepathic angel-speak. From what I could manage to catch, the little guy felt angels should take the time to learn and respect the laws and customs of the land, but he had conflicted views about what should happen when human laws were in direct opposition to angelic laws. I hid a smile, wondering which of his uncles had been teaching him about angelic laws. Actually, Gregory might be the one doing the instruction. I got the idea he saw Lux as eventually taking a spot on the Ruling Council. Although that might be a few million years in the future at the earliest.
“Let’s say you see a human beating someone up and trying to steal their money. What would you do?”
Lux set his mouth in a grim line, outrage shining from his eyes. It was especially adorable because he was holding a vibrator in one hand and a sparkly riding crop in the other.
“Punish bad human. Heal victim and give money back.”
“Punish how?”
The little angel frowned. “Give warts? Or tummy ache? Hit with stick?” The last was punctuated by a few swats of the crop.
“But the humans don’t allow that,” I told him. “Their laws say you should call the police. The robber will be judged by other humans, and a punishment decided by a designated human. You could get into trouble with the humans for punishing the robber yourself.”
Lux let out an exasperated huff. “Too many human laws. Too slow. I see crime, I punish.”
And that was the slippery slope even well-intentioned angels would find themselves on with the humans. It would start with a few minor actions like my scenario, and end up either with angels becoming vigilantes, or deciding to do the humans a favor and just run things themselves.
Mr. Hottie Canada might not be worried about this, but other world leaders would be. Gareth wasn’t making a bunch of weapons unless there were buyers. Project Woo-woo was a go. I’d seen the paperwork on the President’s desk, and I couldn’t believe the US was the only country thinking about this.
I scooped up a handful of nipple clamps, dumped them in a box and looked over at Lux. I shouldn’t give a shit about angels getting themselves de-angelized and stuck in prison. I shouldn’t give a shit about some asswipe angels getting themselves killed trying to be not-so-benevolent dictators.
But Lux… He was an Angel of Order. As much as I tried to influence him, to turn him to the dark side, he was going to find himself in a back alley giving a robber warts and expecting the police to hand him a medal and thank him. A demon would just pop the fucker’s head off, steal the money, and take off, but not Lux. I didn’t want to see him in jail without his wings.
And I couldn’t even bear to think of someone taking his life because the little guy misunderstood a human law or the duties of being a wedding ring bearer. I needed to do something about this situation before it escalated, before Gareth started shipping his weapons of angelic destruction. I needed to do something, I just wasn’t sure what.
Reaching out a hand, I ruffled Lux’s golden curls. “Your father isn’t going to be back until dinnertime. Why don’t we go return a few more of these rings, then you can help me find some strippers to hire for Amber’s bachelorette party.”
Lux looked up at me and smiled. “Rings then strippers. Fun.”
Yep. Well, the strippers would be fun, the rings probably not.
The little angel’s smile faded as he pulled the corner of the carpet back. “Uh, oh. Only very scary rings left.”
I looked and saw he was right. Gregory must have helped him take care of the rest of pile two, because now all that remained were the six rings in the third pile.
“Then it’s good I’m here to help you. We’ll do them in order of scariness—easiest one first, okay?”
Lux took a deep breath then nodded. “These two.” He picked them up. “And maybe this one.”
Three out of six. I couldn’t believe we were getting these done so fast. And outside of being shot in Phoenix, none of them had really been all that bad.
Rings. Bachelorette party planning. Cross that shit off my list, and all I’d have to worry about was a few more meetings and a potential war that could wipe out either all of humanity or all of the angels.
Chapter 14
The first two ring returns really weren’t so bad. I’d had some experience with vampires before and they’d always been polite and friendly to both angels and demons. This one was no exception. Eduardo looked to be only a few hundred years old, but he’d clearly been an important dude back in his human days. He accepted the ring and Lux’s apologies with grace, then gave us a tour of his manor home while a vampire minion put together a light repast of cheese and wine for us to enjoy.
The next ring belonged to an elven princess who’d clearly fallen on hard times since the exodus from Hel. We found her working at a florist shop in Nebraska, assembling an elaborate funeral wreath of lilies and carnations. She was overjoyed to have her ring back. I didn’t ask what magic she’d enchanted the object with, and she didn’t tell me. Instead of being angry with Lux for the theft, she called him an adorable little angel a
nd offered him a rose that she said would never die.
I was no fool, so I intercepted the rose, being careful not to touch any of the thorns. Once we’d left, I set the thing on fire, watching the magic crackling in acrid sparks as the rose burned.
“Bad flower,” Lux intoned.
“Bad elf,” I corrected. I had no idea what would have happened if he’d pricked his finger on one of those thorns. That bitch was totally on my bad list. If she thought the florist job was beneath her, wait until I had her transferred to sewer cleaning duty or something like that.
“One more?” Lux asked, holding up a wide platinum band with sapphire chips embedded in it.
“Sure. We can take it back before we go home.”
What the heck. Might as well knock one more off the list, then we could relax and enjoy some family time. I wondered what movie Gregory would want to watch tonight. For some reason, I was in the mood for horror, although those films always got Lux worked up. I really didn’t want the little guy waking up in the middle of the night and using every last bit of salt in my kitchen to secure the doors and windows, or sitting just inside an open front door with a wooden chair leg and a crucifix he’d made out of braided straw.
Lux reached out for my hand and I took it. Instantly we were transported to a forest, only this wasn’t like any forest I’d ever seen. Tree trunks were black as tar, clothed in delicate gray-green vines. The leafy canopy far above our heads only let in thin columns of gold-tinted light. Bird song filled the air, but the feathered beings were nowhere to be seen. As I looked around, the trees shifted and moved, revealing a path.
I frowned, thinking this was eerily similar to Doriel’s forest back home in Hel. But we weren’t in Hel, and Doriel didn’t seem the type of Ancient to have a pretty little bejeweled ring.
Lux pointed down the path. I put a hand on his shoulder, angling him so he was slightly behind me. It wasn’t easy walking down the path while keeping physical contact with the angel who was practically on my heels, but I had a feeling if I let go, he’d vanish.
It was a good thing I’d gone first, otherwise the spear would have hit Lux right between the eyes. As it was, I got it in the knee. There it lodged in bone and sinew, making me stumble so I took the second spear about four inches below my belly button.
The wounds burned, the magic in the spears going straight through my physical form to the spirit-self that I could neither heal nor recreate. Still holding Lux with one hand, I grabbed the spear and yanked it out of my guts, stabbing it point first into the ground.
“Hey! We’re here to bring back your ring. And apologize,” I yelled, trying in vain to pull the other spear from my knee.
“Sorry!” Lux hollered from behind me.
“Shoot us again and I’m leaving. I’ll take the ring to the pawnshop, or one of those gold-for-cash places that’ll melt it down.”
The spear came free from my knee just as its magic was starting to gnaw past the edge of my spirit-self. The path widened, and in front of me appeared a mountain. Tossing the spear aside, I limped forward, stepping from a mossy forest path onto a stony one that climbed the orange-toned rock in narrow switchbacks.
The first thing that went through my head was that this was a fuckload of trouble to go to in order to return a ring. Didn’t these people want their property back? You’d think they’d show up with their hand outstretched, or at least have a deposit spot with a “leave ring here” note. No, instead we were hiking all over the fucking place.
The second thought was that this mountain path wasn’t any better than the forest one. I didn’t get shot by any spears, but the sun was hotter than noon in Dis, and the path was barely wide enough for me to scoot along sideways. I’d thought about revealing my wings and just flying to the top, but I didn’t want to risk getting hit with another spear, this time to my very sensitive wings.
Lux and I were both drenched in sweat and breathless by the time we got to the summit. Perched atop peach colored plateau was a tiny stone house with a thatched roof. A twig wreath hung on the door, and those silvery gray vines crept up to the lintel. The door swung open and a bony hand ushered for us to come in. Lux huddled behind me and I swapped his shoulder for his hand, giving his fingers a reassuring squeeze.
I was prepared for the worst, for some ghoul to rush us the moment we crossed the threshold, for the house to fall down on our heads, for a hundred spears to shoot out from the walls and impale us. What I wasn’t prepared for was a lovely cottage with a cheery fire, a vase of daisies on the table, and a set of comfy chairs on a richly colored Persian rug. The bony hand belonged to an equally bony woman with a beak of a nose and jet-black hair severely pulled back into a tight braid.
“You have rings?” she said in a thickly accented voice.
Lux peeked out from behind me, extending the sapphire-encrusted band. The woman took it from him, sighing in pleasure as she slipped it onto the pinky of her right hand.
“Other?” she asked.
Lux swallowed hard, then extend another ring—one that was identical to the ugly thing Gregory had given me as an engagement token. My left hand was behind my back, gripping Lux’s. Holding my breath, I spun the band around, digging the stones into the palm of my hand and hoping she couldn’t tell the difference between Gregory’s reproduction and the real thing.
The old woman took the ring and frowned, turning it in her hand.
“We’re very sorry about this,” I said hurriedly, pushing Lux as I backed toward the door. “He’s just a little angel, and he misunderstood. Didn’t know. So very sorry. Won’t happen again.”
“Sorry!” Lux repeated from behind me.
“This isn’t my ring,” the old woman announced.
Shit.
“Get us out of here,” I whispered, tightening my grip on Lux’s hand.
Nothing happened.
“Now. Get us out of here,” I repeated.
“Can’t. Won’t work,” Lux whispered back.
Had she spelled the house to null Lux’s abilities? Had she spelled the mountain? The forest? How far would we need to run before Lux could get us the fuck out of here?
“It’s totally your ring,” I lied. “And a very beautiful ring it is, too. I’m sure once you get it in the light over there by the fire, you’ll recognize it.”
“This. Isn’t. My. Ring.” The old woman grew six inches, her fingers lengthening into yellow claws. Then her eyes shot to my midsection, as if she could see right through me to the hand clutching Lux’s. “You have my ring.”
“Nope. I don’t have your ring. I’ve got a completely different ring that just happens to look like yours.”
A smart demon would have fessed up and traded for the reproduction. They looked the same, and an ugly ring wasn’t worth battling some witchy old hag for. But this wasn’t just any old ugly ring. It was the ring my beloved angel had given me, and I wasn’t about to part with it. Greed was one of my top sins, and I tended to become very obstinate when others tried to take what I’d claimed as mine. The ring might have been stolen, but it was mine now, and I wasn’t going to give it up.
The hag threw the reproduction ring at me. I caught it, threw it back at her, and ran, scooping Lux up and tucking him under my arm as I booked it across the plateau.
“Mine!” the hag screamed.
“Mine!” I screamed back, trying to move as fast as I could down the treacherous mountain path. I heard a huffing sound and risked a glance behind me. For an old woman, the hag was pretty damned nimble on her feet.
A rock slid under my feet and I nearly went over the side of the mountain, catching my balance at the last moment. My momentum transferred, and suddenly I was running down the switchback with a reckless speed I couldn’t halt.
“Wings,” I shouted at Lux, worried that I might drop him.
“No wings,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice from under my arm.
Another rock came loose under my foot and I pitched forward, smashing my arm and Lux against t
he cliff face as I flailed with the other to keep my balance. I tried to reveal my wings, knowing their width would push me off the cliff and expose me to flying spears. They would also allow me to descend faster and with more safety than my crazy headlong stumble down the mountain side.
No wings. Just as Lux had said. The magic that had kept him from teleporting was also keeping us from flying. Would it also keep us from healing or recreating a damaged body? I ran faster, trying to decide whether a potentially fatal fall from the cliff was worse than a potentially fatal eviscerating if the witch caught up with us.
Halfway down the mountain I slipped again and this time couldn’t keep my balance. “Grab me,” I shouted at Lux heaving him onto my back as I pitched off the side of the cliff.
He wrapped his chubby arms around my neck, throttling me. I grabbed wildly as I fell, my hands slipping off rocks and ledges until my fingers finally closed around a branch. It bent, smacking me against the cliff face where I dangled, the thin limb all that stood between us and a hundred-foot fall onto a field of boulders.
“Uh oh.”
The whispered words in my ear had me cringing. A spear whistled by, frighteningly close to mine and Lux’s back. I tried to turn slightly to sandwich the angel between me and the cliff face and nearly lost my grip on the branch.
As I swung on the branch, I saw the spears and the fall weren’t our only worries. The witch was levitating down toward us. And I could see right up her skirt.
“Some panties would have been a good choice,” I shouted up at her. “Your crotch looks like a moldy, uncooked loaf of bread.”
“Give me my ring!”
Figures that the witch would be more concerned about an ugly ring than whatever venereal disease she had going on between her legs. I shifted Lux around to my side, tucking him against my shoulder. He looked up at the hag floating slowly down toward us and said “Ew.”
“I know. You’d think a witch could brew up some salve to take care of that.” Another spear came my way and I let go of the branch with one hand to catch it. The good news was I now had a weapon to use against the approaching witch. The bad news was I didn’t know how long I could hang on to the branch with one hand.”
With This Ring: Imp Series, Book 11 Page 15
