by TT Kove
We didn’t speak as we walked towards Harriet’s. I still worked there, though not often during the school year anymore, since med school was tough. But every time school was out I picked up shifts.
The small café was reasonably busy, and we found a table next to one of the windows. Chad put his bag on the empty chair next to him, while Josh hung his shoulder-bag over the back of his chair. I put my rucksack under the table, resting it against the leg. Then we headed off to the counter to order.
‘I have to go to the loo,’ Josh said once that was done, and he walked off with a smile.
I returned to the table with Chad in awkward silence. What did we have to talk about after all? We never hung out, just the two us.
Basically, my only friend not made through Josh, was Silver. He was the only one I spent time with on my own—and even that wasn’t often anymore as we were both busy and had our own boyfriends. We still lived together though, so we saw each other every day.
‘Is it true?’
I started.
‘What?’
Chad’s elbows braced on the table, palms supporting his chin.
‘That you two don’t have sex?’ His gaze was intense as he stared at me.
I turned resolutely away, gazing out the window. I could see my own reflection though, the slight flush creeping up my neck.
Why’s he bringing this up?
Why’s Josh even told him that?
Wasn’t that a private matter between the two of us?
‘I’ll take that as a yes then.’ He kept bloody staring at me, I could tell from his reflection. ‘But why though? Asexual… I mean, sure, maybe that’s a thing, but how can you diss something you haven’t even tried?’
‘How do you know I haven’t tried?’ I murmured, taking the bait and then berating myself for it. If I just ignored him, he was more likely to make it drop. Now I’d partaken in this damn conversation, it only spurred him on.
‘Please,’ he huffed.
I scowled.
What was that supposed to mean? Could he see it on us that we didn’t have sex?
Surely not.
That wasn’t possible.
‘Josh tells me stuff, you know,’ he said then. ‘He doesn’t feel like he can talk to you about these kinds of things, because you’re so set against sex.’
Talk about what?
What was Josh saying to him? Wasn’t he happy with the way things were? And why was everything about sex?
Today especially seemed to be all about it. First those girls, then Josh and Chad shopping at a sex shop, and now this…
‘Whereas I… I’ve got two guys on my hands. Maybe I’ll lend one out to Josh.’
My head shot around so quickly I nearly got whiplash.
‘Relax. I was kidding.’ He held his hands up. ‘All I’m saying is, a guy’s got needs. A relationship’s all about compromise, isn’t it?’
‘Last time we talked about it, he said he didn’t want to,’ I murmured, but silently wondered why the hell I kept this conversation going.
‘That was last year. Ages ago.’ He rolled his eyes and sat back on his chair. ‘What if you’d been straight and your girlfriend wanted to have a kid? Either you’d have to let her sleep with someone else, or you’d have to step up to the task.’
‘This isn’t the same,’ I argued, getting more annoyed by the second.
He shrugged.
‘You can’t have kids maybe, but Josh needs more than you do, doesn’t he? Eventually it’s going to get too much, you know, and he’ll find it someplace else. People cheat all the time, for a variety of reasons.’
I didn’t like this conversation at all.
‘Have you ever had reason to?’
‘With two guys?’ He chuckled. ‘Not really. But truth be told, I’ve come close. When I’m manic and hypersexual nothing else matters and if they’re not within reach, then I take what I can get. Nothing else matters but getting off. But that’s my illness. Josh isn’t like me. I’m just saying that… Sexual intimacy, we need that. We’re made that way. And when you’ve got a partner who wants more sex than the other, or a partner who wants none at all, you just got to compromise a little, you know?’
‘Compromise? On what?’ Josh plopped down on the seat next to mine, looking between us curiously.
Chad gave me a look.
I ignored it.
He rolled his eyes, as evidenced by his reflection in the window.
‘I compromise with my guys,’ he said casually. ‘I tend to want a shag a lot more often than they do. Then again, it’s two of them, so if one’s not in the mood, the other tends to be, you know? With how often I end up in hospital, we have to take the time when we can.’
‘Yeah,’ Josh murmured, his cheery demeanour from earlier falling a little.
Was it the subject of sex? Or was it the mention of hospital? Could be either—or it could be both. It was hard to say.
I was grateful when our food arrived, because that put a stop to the conversation entirely.
When they picked it up again, they’d moved on to other subjects.
Finally, no more talk of sex.
But I couldn’t stop glancing at Josh through our meal. Was what Chad had said true? Did Josh crave it? It was over a year ago now he’d last brought the subject up—before he was sexually harassed by Chad in a manic state. After, he’d sworn to be me could do without, that maybe he wasn’t ready yet anyway.
Was he just scared of bringing it up again? I hadn’t reacted positively back then when he’d tried to initiate sex.
Compromise… Compromise on what? Fucking Chad and putting ideas in my head. I’d been perfectly happy up till now.
Then again… maybe Josh hadn’t been. And I wanted Josh to be happy more than anything.
20
Not Even Close to Normal
Damian
Josh had bought something in that sex shop. And not just something small and insignificant, like the tube of lube he’d also bought. No, he’d bought a dildo. A flesh-coloured one that looked eerily life-like, with balls and a suction cup at the end and all.
I dropped the offending thing back into his bag, then hurriedly pulled out the charger he’d asked for.
He must’ve forgotten it was even in there, or I didn’t think he’d ever ask me to get it. Then again, he was half-asleep as he asked me to put his beeping phone on to charge, so his brain wasn’t fully on at the moment.
I plugged the charger in, grabbed his phone just as it beeped again, and finally got it charging.
‘Thanks,’ Josh murmured, lying on the bed with his back to me. He was still in his clothes, but he’d collapsed on the bed earlier and was now dozing.
I stared at him. At the way his jumper stretched over his thin shoulders, his shaggy hair that was in need of a haircut, the way his arm curled against his cheek, and the way his face looked all peaceful.
‘Hey, Josh?’ I sat on the edge of the bed—now with my back to his.
‘Hmm?’
I can’t ask it.
It was too embarrassing.
‘No, nothing.’
Shit.
A year and a half… That’s how long we’d been together. In that time we’d hardly ever seen each other naked. I’d seen him naked more often than he had me.
He turned over, palm pressing against the small of my back.
‘You’ve been weird today.’
‘What do you mean?’ I hadn’t done anything outside normal. I’d had a late lunch with him and Chad—a bit outside normal, maybe, as I didn’t like to be around Chad much—but other than that…
‘You’re quiet. Thoughtful.’
‘Aren’t I always?’ I wasn’t the most talkative of guys. That was completely normal.
‘Not quite like this.’ He caressed my back. ‘Did Chad say something to you? At Harriet’s?’
I swallowed.
‘Yeah.’
‘What did he say?’
I braced my elbows on my knees and steepled my f
ingers.
‘It was about… sex.’
His hand fell to the bed.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why’re you apologising?’ I frowned at the opposite wall.
‘I shouldn’t have talked to him.’
‘So it’s true?’ I should turn around and face him, but it was easier to talk about this when I sat with my back to him. ‘You’re not happy after all? Last year you said you were okay with things as they were… but you’re really not, right? You just said that for me… didn’t you?’
‘No, I meant it,’ he said. ‘At the time. I did.’
It was a year ago though.
A lot could change in a year.
A lot had changed in a year.
I was in a relationship, for crying out loud.
I had friends. Sort of.
‘I’m thinking maybe…’ What the hell am I thinking? ‘Maybe we could try it. You know, sex?’
Now what are you saying?
But Chad had said a relationship was all about compromise—and if he could compromise with his partners, I should be able to with mine as well, right? I couldn’t expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life just because I didn’t want to have sex. I should give him something too, and… sex couldn’t be so bad? Most people wouldn’t like it so much if it was.
The mattress moved with Josh as he sat up. He leant against my back, forehead resting against my shoulder blade.
‘But you don’t want to.’
Chad had been right though, hadn’t he?
I couldn’t diss something I hadn’t ever tried before.
‘I’ve got to try it sometime, right?’ And nothing was better than the guy I’d been in a relationship with for a year and a half. If I could trust anyone with this, it was him.
‘But you still don’t want to do it,’ he said, arms snaking around my chest, fingers tangling in front.
‘But maybe I do!’
Or… shit.
What was it like?
Silver and Kian always enjoyed it.
I knew this because we frequently heard them. I’d walked in on them.
Chad had sex with not just one guy, but two.
Spencer and Leslie did it—presumably, I’d never caught them at it thankfully.
My aunt and uncle had it—their children were proof of that.
Chloe slept around.
They wouldn’t keep on doing it, all of them, if it wasn’t good, right?
‘Maybe I’m curious.’
And Josh had bought that damn dildo. There was only one thing he’d use that for… and that irritated me. I didn’t want him to do that with anyone else, not even a damn dildo.
‘I just don’t want you to—with that—’ I pointed at his bag, lying discarded on our desk.
A beat of silence.
‘Are you jealous? Of… that?’
‘I don’t know.’ Fuck it all. Maybe I was.
He buried his face in-between my shoulder blades, nose rubbing against my skin.
‘You are, aren’t you? What got you thinking about this anyway?’
I shrugged.
‘First some girls at school was talking about their plans for the summer. It involved sex. Then you came out of a sex shop, and then Chad said some things at Harriet’s, and just… I don’t know, Josh. Everyone’s doing it. I’m doing my best to be a normal person, you know, but I’m not, right? Everyone thinks it’s weird.’
‘But it’s not. Some people just don’t want to have sex,’ he murmured. ‘I get that. And I’m fine with it. But I told you back then that I’m not like that, you know? That I had to wank off once in a while. It’s just… sometimes I have to. It’s the way I’m wired.’
‘But… that’s… not your right hand.’
I couldn’t even say the word aloud.
Dildo.
It was an ugly word. And embarrassing.
Why I’d never so much as given thought to what he did with his right hand, but got in a snit about that fake dick was beyond me.
Did it really matter?
He chuckled.
‘No, it’s not. But it’s good.’
I closed my eyes and pressed the palm of my hands against them.
‘Chad said I couldn’t say I didn’t like something without having tried it first.’
‘Mmm…’
‘You think he’s right. Right?’
Silence.
Then…
‘Well, yeah.’
Dammit.
‘So I should try it.’
‘But why now? We’ve been together almost two years. Why do you suddenly feel the pressure to try sex now?’
Well, truthfully, it had been there a while. It was just I was good at not thinking about it as long as nothing pushed it right in my face. And today was full of pushes.
‘We could… build up to it?’
‘Build up?’ he asked, clearly confused. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Like, get there in stages or something.’ Jumping straight to sex was way too daunting. I couldn’t do it. The simple thought made me sweat. ‘Like, we can… I don’t know.’ My mind was a blank. What did people do before sex? Before they got down and dirty and genitals were involved?
‘We could… kiss?’ Josh suggested lightly.
Kissing was… wasn’t that something we usually did?
Well, sometimes anyway. Light pecks of the cheek or lips, perhaps, it wasn’t like we snogged each other for long periods of time often.
That was something Silver and Kian did.
I knew from personal experience—I’d walked in on them doing that even more often than I’d walked in on them having sex.
‘Yeah, we could do that.’
Kissing Josh wasn’t a hardship. I’d done that ever since I met him. Before we got together even—though that hadn’t been me. He’d just planted one on me the very evening we met.
‘Right now?’
Why not?
I turned and his grip around me slackened, allowing me to. His eyes were a bit wider than normal, attesting to his surprise.
Maybe it’s good I can still surprise him? Even if it’s with this…
Our lips met, locking together. It was chaste at first, but as we sank onto the bed, stretching out next to each other, it deepened. I was on my back, Josh was halfway on top of me, one arm bracing him on my chest.
I liked kissing. With him, mind, I couldn’t even fantasise about kissing someone else. Josh’s lips were soft, his tongue hot and sure as it parted my lips. This was the one intimate act I’d allowed between us—the only one I was comfortable with.
‘Can I touch you?’ Josh asked then, breath only a whisper against my lips.
Hmm?
‘Yeah.’
He smiled before diving into another kiss. His hand, previously braced on my chest, now caressed my chest gently, running over my upper body. When he reached the hem of my jumper, he slipped his fingers under to encounter naked skin.
I started and sucked my stomach in at the sudden contact. His hand was cold against my skin, but it quickly warmed as it stroked up my side. That wasn’t too bad. When he touched my scar, however, I sucked my stomach in again. I didn’t like my scar, it was big and ugly and went across my chest. A big, ugly reminder that I didn’t have any close family left. That I’d been the only one who survived.
‘Don’t think about it,’ he murmured. ‘That’s what I do with all my scars. I don’t mind it.’
I knew he didn’t. I knew he was slightly fascinated by scars in general, even his own. Even if he hated them and was ashamed of them.
But that didn’t make me feel better about my scar.
It wasn’t like I minded his scars—but I minded mine and I wished my chest was normal, completely smooth and bare, without the ugly reminder of my mother’s psychotic break.
A thumb brushed over my nipple.
‘Does that feel good?’
‘Not really.’ It felt… weird. Kind of… uncomfortable.
‘Not everyone gets off on nipple play.’
Nipple play?
That was a thing?
He pushed my shirt up, baring my torso and that damn ugly scar. He glanced up when my shirt was bunched in the pit of my arms. ‘Can I try to make you feel good? Just upper body, I won’t go lower.’
‘Oh-okay.’ I had no idea what I was agreeing to.
‘I get off on nipple play,’ he said, bending down to press a kiss in the middle of my chest. ‘Just so you know. I’m really sensitive there.’
I swallowed audibly.
His lips moved sideways, attaching themselves to one nipple.
And it… still felt weird.
‘I don’t think that’s going to do anything for me,’ I murmured. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh well.’ Josh put his chin on my chest and smiled up at me. ‘Not everyone’s alike. I’m sure I’ll find someplace that makes you feel good too though.’ His smile turned into a grin.
‘What?’ I asked, not quite sure I wanted to know the answer to that.
‘You have to feel good one place. One certain place. All guys do.’
Oh.
Right.
Well, he’s not getting near there today, that’s for sure.
But he was probably right. I got erections after all. Woke up with them from time to time, at least. So everything worked down there, it was just that I didn’t see the point in sex.
But for Josh… if that made him happier, I’d do it. All I wanted was for him to be happy, after all. An unhappy Josh made for an unstable Josh, and an unstable Josh… that never ended well.
Not that he was particularly stable on a good day, but at least nowadays he’d stopped cutting. I wanted to prolong that reprieve for as long as I possibly could.
And yes, I was curious. What was it about sex that everyone liked so much? Even if I did it with him, that would still make me asexual. It wouldn’t take away my identity, such as it was.
‘We can make a list.’ Josh sat up, legs crossing, all energetic.
‘A list?’ I pulled my shirt back down to cover my torso.
‘Mmm.’ He nodded enthusiastically. ‘Like, today we kissed. I even got to second base. Tomorrow… we could kiss and cuddle? In our underwear, maybe? The day after, I get to explore your body below the waist. And the day after that, we could try wanking each other off? Or we could do that the day before and have this day as the day we finally do it.’
