by TT Kove
‘That’s got romance,’ I pointed out.
‘Just barely,’ he scoffed.
That was an understatement.
‘The whole plot is about that guy saving the woman he loves.’
He huffed.
‘Lord of the Rings then. It’s got that one couple but they hardly have any screen time together at all. It’s all about the journey.’
‘Yeah, okay.’
Lord of the Rings I could do. It’d been a while since we’d seen that trilogy. Spending a few hours losing ourselves in the fantasy universe of Middle Earth was a better use of our time than what had come beforehand.
Josh leant against me and I wrapped one arm around his shoulder. I kissed the top of his head, then rested my cheek against it. His hair wasn’t completely dried, but it was even more ruffled than it’d been after his shower.
I was lucky to have him. Not everyone would be as understanding about my sexuality, or lack of one, as him. I could probably have sex with him again, and maybe I would, but it wouldn’t be often.
Maybe we could have it as a yearly thing, for his birthday or another special occasion or something. He liked it, after all, and I could endure it for the time it took to make him feel good.
But only sometimes. Not often.
‘Can I sit between your legs? It’s more comfortable that way.’
‘Yeah. Sure.’
I spread my legs and he plopped down in-between them, leaning back against my chest. Now I hooked both arms over his shoulders.
His upper body was bare, all the scars on his arms on display. I felt them against my own bare skin, but I was used to it. I didn’t mind them. All his scars told a story, a story of everything he’d survived.
‘Should we start on the first one?’ he asked, laptop back in front of him. ‘Or do you want to watch one in particular?’
‘You plan on watching the entire trilogy?’
‘Yeah, why not? It’s summer. We don’t have anything else to do.’
That wasn’t strictly true.
He might not have anything else to do—but that went for the entirety of the year, not just summer.
I had work. But for the rest of the day… yeah, I had nothing going on. We might as well relax and enjoy our evening like this. It was the only way we enjoyed ourselves together in bed, after all.
You have no idea just how much I love you, Josh.
If this had been anyone else… I never would’ve gone as far outside my own comfort zone. I never would’ve had sex with anyone who isn’t you.
I hugged him tight, pressing my cheek to his.
He sighed happily.
Yeah, we’re good just like this. We didn’t need sex in our relationship. We had a great relationship without sex, so whoever said sex was a prerequisite for happy coupledom… They were wrong.
Josh
We did it and it was amazing and I can’t believe he did this for me. That he managed to do it. He didn’t care for it at all, I could tell. But he still went through with it… for me.
I know it won’t happen again anytime soon—maybe not at all—but that’s okay. I’ve got this one time to look back on. Like I told him, I can live on this for a long time.
I didn’t flash back to Andrew even once during. I didn’t think I would, not with Damian, but it was nice to have that confirmed.
I’m kind of scared to go to sleep now though. Who knows what kinds of memories my subconscious can drag up after this?
Damian’s sleeping peacefully next to me—clothed, sadly. I liked feeling him naked against me. That’s not going to happen again, either, I suspect. Or very, very rarely. He’s not comfortable with nakedness.
I hope the experience wasn’t too traumatising for him though. I tried my best to make him feel good, but I could tell he was bored with the whole thing. Boredom is better than trauma… so I hope that’s all it was. I hope he won’t look back at this as something bad.
Because it wasn’t. It was nice and informative and now he knows for absolute certain. He knows he can do it, he knows he doesn’t have to, he knows sex won’t suddenly make him not asexual.
I really appreciate what he’s just done. He didn’t have to. I’d be more than happy with the dildo, to be honest. That’s why I bought it.
He really does love me.
Not that I doubt it, not really, but this truly cemented that fact.
And I love him too and I’m happy like this. No matter what he says, I don’t want to go out on the pull and have sex with other people. No way. I’m happy with the way we were, even without sex. As long as I can have him, abstaining from sex is worth it.
I love him so much.
22
Two Year Anniversary
Damian
I woke to Josh practically wrapped around me.
‘Do you get clingy after sex?’ I asked, only halfway joking.
He made an unintelligible sound and rolled away to face the wall. He was dressed again—in pyjama bottoms and a tee. He’d pulled it on after we’d finished the first Lord of the Rings film last night, in order to go to the bathroom. Halfway through the second film, he’d fallen asleep and I’d left him be.
Apparently he still wasn’t ready to wake up.
I left him to it and went about my morning routine.
‘So how was it?’ was the first thing Silver asked when he came into the kitchen.
I froze, bread halfway to the mouth, to stare at him.
‘Did Josh tell you?’
When would he have had the chance to tell Silver anything though?
‘No, but you just confirmed it.’ He pointed at me with a wide grin and dropped into the chair across from me.
Damn. Should’ve kept my mouth shut.
‘So?’ he pressed.
‘So nothing. I still don’t get what the big deal is.’ I finally took a bite of my bread and chewed.
His forehead thumped against the table.
‘You,’ he murmured. ‘You’re so damn weird.’
I smiled to myself.
‘You do realise that from my point of view, you’re the one who’s weird, right?’
He only shook his head, laughing.
Everything was the same.
I’d had sex, lost my virginity as it were, and nothing had changed. Josh and I weren’t awkward around each other, things were the same with Silver, I felt the same. Except even more sure of myself and my sexuality.
Sex wasn’t for me and that was okay.
Josh was okay with it, and though Silver thought I was weird—as he always had—he supported me. Sex just wasn’t for everyone and that was fine.
I wasn’t going to let other people get to me anymore. What mattered to me were only two things: my own feelings and Josh’s. And as long as we were good, everything was good.
Nothing was amiss right now and I wanted to enjoy that without obsessing or worrying over something. I wanted to enjoy things the way they were for as long as they lasted.
No one knew how long it would last, after all.
Josh was doing well now, but that never lasted. That was all I knew. It was always a calm before the storm. Something happened to topple him over and we’d be back to the cutting and the blood and the unstable emotions that identified his disorder.
For now he was happy and stable.
‘And Josh?’ Silver asked, looking up at me again.
‘Josh is fine.’ Unless something changed this morning, but I doubted it. He’d been fine last night. ‘Everything’s fine.’ Lots of fine going around, but… it was true. ‘For now, anyway.’ That was also, sadly, true.
‘Enjoy it while it lasts, then?’ He yawned and ruffled his already messy.
‘Yeah, exactly.’ That was all I could do. Calm periods like this made his worst ones almost worth it. I hated that he hurt, that he had such a debilitating mental illness, but there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was be there for him. He had professionals helping him deal with his mental illness—they we
re better suited for that, anyway.
I just loved him.
But that in itself helped him a great deal too.
Josh
‘You did it?’ Chad leant closer over the table so he didn’t have to advertise my sex-life to the table next to us. ‘How was it?’
I bit down on my lower lip, glancing around briefly just to make sure no one was eavesdropping.
‘It was great. For me, anyway. He didn’t like it much.’
He sat back again, frowning and arms crossing over his chest.
‘He shagged you and he didn’t like it?’
I didn’t know how to explain it properly.
‘He thought it was nice. Everything works. You know, down there. But he doesn’t see the point. He doesn’t crave sex like we do. He’d rather spend his time doing something useful.’
‘Sex isn’t useful?’ His eyebrows climbed up his forehead. ‘I think it’s plenty useful. To get all that pent-up sexual frustration out of the way.’
‘But he doesn’t feel sexual frustration. Or sexual arousal.’
Though his erect dick last night… It had been magnificent. All flushed and hard and silky. Not too big, not too small, just the right size that fit perfectly in my hand. I could suck his dick all day long if he’d let me. Truly, I would. He’d tasted great too.
The way he’d felt inside me too… so amazing.
Chad grimaced.
‘I can’t even imagine what that’s like. What does that mean? He got it up, obviously. Did he get off?’
I shook my head. I’d been the only one who orgasmed.
His eyes nearly boggled out of his head.
‘This is weird shit. He got it up, but couldn’t get off? What kind of weird sexuality is asexual anyway? He’s clearly capable of having sex—doesn’t that go against the whole asexual definition?’
I chuckled.
‘Maybe you should read up on it.’
‘No way.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s weird. I’d rather have actual sex than read about people who aren’t interested in it.’
‘You know he thinks you’re weird, right?’
Damian really didn’t care for Chad.
I liked him, and enjoyed being around him. He was fun and exciting and a good friend.
‘He’s never liked me,’ Chad scoffed.
I couldn’t say anything to that because it was true. Damian didn’t like him. He tolerated him for my sake, but that was it.
‘Who doesn’t like you?’
A black-haired, black-clad bloke dropped into the chair next to Chad’s. He was Wynn, and he was Chad’s best friend.
I didn’t know him well, he was pretty closed off and private, but from what Chad had told me he was a good friend. Even if he was a little rude. Or a lot rude.
‘Hey, Wynn,’ I offered with a small smile.
He nodded at me, dark eyes taking me in.
‘His boyfriend doesn’t like me.’ Chad hitched a thumb at me.
‘That’s old news, isn’t it?’ Wynn slouched in his chair and glanced surreptitiously around. ‘Your aunt working today?’
‘Nope.’ Chad popped the p.
Chad’s aunt, and my mother’s girlfriend, Harriet, didn’t like Wynn. It was a lot of dislike going around right now. Apparently he’d been into drugs and stuff before, but Chad swore he was done with that now. After his boyfriend died from a drug-overdose. I could understand how that would put him off drugs for good.
‘What are you doing here anyway?’ Chad stared at Wynn as if he was a revelation.
Wynn gave him a narrowed look.
‘You invited me, you fucker.’
‘Yeah, sure, but—you never actually show up whenever I invite you to anything.’ Chad poked his shoulder. ‘Are you real? Am I hallucinating? What have you done with my Wynn?’
Wynn slapped his hand away.
‘I had some spare time.’
‘You always have spare time,’ Chad argued with a roll of his eyes. ‘You’re at work or you’re at home. You don’t do anything else with your life.’
Wynn only gave him a dark look in reply.
I wrapped my fingers around my glass and sipped my the Sprite. I didn’t feel like I could input anything into their conversation-slash-argument as I didn’t know Wynn.
He seemed… well, he didn’t seem like the best person to be around, but looks could certainly be deceiving. He looked sort of shady… and scary. And I hadn’t ever seen him smile—not that I’d seen him much.
‘Anyway.’ Chad turned back to me. ‘Cock rings.’
‘What?’ I blinked.
He glanced around again, leaning closer over the table.
‘Cock rings. If he can’t get off, or if he can’t stay hard, or whatever his issue is… cock rings. That’ll keep him up and ready for action.’
Oh!
I flushed slightly, gaze darting to Wynn and back.
Damian would not be happy if whatever went on in our bedroom—or what didn’t go on—got around. There was a reason I never blogged about this. Things between us I could only write about in my journal. My blog was for borderline-related stuff. Past stuff.
Damian wasn’t particularly happy about me talking to Chad about it either though, but who else did I have?
Everyone I knew, Damian knew too. I never talked sex with Spencer or Leslie or Tyler. Silver was Damian’s best friend. I couldn’t talk about our sex-life with him, since Damian did. There was always Kian, but what I told Kian, Silver always found out.
‘We should have a party,’ Chad proclaimed then.
‘Party? For what?’
‘For you, obviously. You finally got laid.’ He gave me a shit-eating grin at that.
‘Chad,’ I hissed. ‘Please don’t advertise that to the whole fucking world.’
‘A drink at the pub then?’
‘I’m all for a drink,’ Wynn shot in disinterestedly. ‘Not that I have a clue what we’re celebrating.’
‘He got laid last night.’
Wynn turned his dark eyes on me.
‘And that’s something to celebrate?’
It wasn’t really. What was I supposed to say though?
‘Was it your first time?’ Wynn’s dark gaze was heavy.
I swallowed.
‘First time in a year and a half. Over half, isn’t it?’ Chad scratched his chin thoughtfully. ‘Two years soon. In a relationship. And he got laid for the first time last night.’
I blew out a breath and lifted my gaze to the ceiling.
‘Whatever works.’ Wynn still didn’t seem to have much interest in the conversation. The most interested he’d been was in me being a virgin or not, apparently.
Which… no. I hadn’t been a virgin since I was six, at least.
Thank fuck he’s not all that interested in what goes on between Damian and I. At least he’s not a big gossip who will share it around.
‘Come on, let’s go have a drink.’ Chad turned to me again. ‘Your guy’s working anyway.’ He motioned to the counter, and when I looked over I saw Damian standing behind it, busy with a customer.
‘Isn’t it a bit early to drink?’ I checked my phone and it was barely past four. It would be an hour until Damian finished his shift.
‘It’s never too early for a pint, mate.’ Chad stretched. ‘Now, it’s too early to start on the Vodka—but I’m not allowed to drink that anyway.’
I eyed him sideways.
‘Because of your antipsychotics, right?’
He nodded.
I wasn’t technically supposed to drink on my meds either, and I reckoned that was true for his mood stabilisers as well, but like he said, one pint wouldn’t hurt.
‘Okay then.’ It wasn’t like I went out drinking all that often, after all.
‘You better stick to one though,’ Wynn growled at Chad. ‘We all know how you get wen you start drinking, and I for one don’t want to get the blame for you going all manic and mental again.’
Chad rolled his eyes—and
I left them to what I was pretty sure was about to be another argument.
I headed over to the counter where Damian was done with his customer. He came to the end of the counter now so we could stand close.
‘We’re heading out,’ I said. ‘To the pub or something. If we’re still there when you’re off, maybe you can join us?’
He glanced over at the table we occupied.
‘You and Chad and Wynn?’ He sounded so dubious I couldn’t help but chuckle.
‘Yeah. Maybe I’ll text some of the others as well, we’ll see.’
It wasn’t often I got to go out with all my friends together. Not all of them liked each other.
Damian didn’t like Chad, for one, and Leslie and Chad were strained after Chad threatened him with a knife during a manic episode. Understandably, so, but still… it wasn’t really Chad’s fault. He’d been ill.
‘Leslie’s working with you, right?’
He nodded.
‘Bring him too, then, when you’re done. If you want to stop by, that is.’
He only stared at me and I squirmed.
‘What?’ I asked self-consciously. Did I have something on my face? I hadn’t eaten anything, only had a glass of Sprite.
‘Nothing.’ He shook his head. ‘Just… enjoy yourself.’
I beamed at him.
‘See you then.’ I wanted to kiss him, but I also knew that wasn’t something that was ever going to happen in public.
I was pretty good at reining those compulsions in. And I was pretty good at not taking them personally now. I knew it was his preference, that he was a private person, and that he didn’t want his private life aired in front of everyone.
So I only waved goodbye.
A flick of his hand was his answering one.
We might not have a traditional relationship, I mulled as I headed back over to the table. But it works pretty well for us.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be happy like this?’
I opened my eyes at Damian’s low voice. I lay facing the wall and I turned slowly now so I could look at him. Not that I could see much—the room was dark because it was night. We were supposed to be asleep.
He lay on his back, hands clasped over his stomach, and staring up at the dark ceiling. At least as far as I could tell.
