by TT Kove
Not half-way as much as he’d ruined mine. But he didn’t care about that. I was a scarred, broken mess. It was all his fault—and he didn’t care.
The two different pills had two different colours. I scooped a handful up, staring at them. A mix of pink and white. A mix I took every day. Just one of each though, not all of them.
They called to me, like this was meant to happen. Like it wasn’t an act of impulse. I was acting on impulse, I knew it… but I couldn’t stop it. I kept seeing his eyes, those cold, grey eyes—no remorse, no nothing. He was a cold-hearted psychopath. He had ruined my life, he had ruined me.
He finally succeeded in what he’d always tried to do; break me. I was shattered, as shattered as that glass I’d dropped. That was me. Thrown in the rubbish. Replaceable. A shattered glass couldn’t be put together, just like I couldn’t be put together again. Broken beyond repair.
I was tired of fighting. Done with it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was absolutely, truly done.
After years and years on medicine, I had no trouble swallowing pills dry. So that’s what I did.
The bathroom door was securely locked. My razor was on the sink and I searched through the cabinets in a frenzy, grabbing all the pills I could find. Anything would do, as long as it worked. It had to work.
I collapsed on the floor in a fit of sobs, but managed to crawl up into a sitting position. I started opening the pill-cases, popping the pills so they spilled into a pile in front of me.
I reached out for the bottle I’d brought with me. Vodka. Nice, strong alcoholic beverage that would make this so much easier. I took a sip, preparing myself, and it burned down my throat. Next I popped pills into my mouth, took another sip to wash them down with.
When all the pills were gone, I started to feel it. Dizzy, like the world couldn’t stand still anymore. I fumbled up on the sink for my razor, yanked my sleeves up, and put the blade to skin. I pressed it down deep and dragged it backwards, up towards my elbow.
This was the way, to cut vertical, along the main artery. This was the way to truly bleed.
When the right hand was bleeding profusely, I did the same on the left, only slower this time as my already hurt hand protested the movement.
My strength was leaving me, from the tablets, from the blood, and I couldn’t keep my hand up anymore. It fell limp to my side, the razor cluttering against the tiles. I tipped forward, forehead pressed against the fluffy rug.
I gasped in a breath as darkness came lurking.
The last thing I thought was, please let me die.
28
Uncertain Future
Damian
I ran into the hospital—and immediately spotted Angelina. She was clearly waiting for me because she came striding towards me the minute the doors swooshed open.
‘Where is he? What happened?’ I’d run all the way from the tube station and I hardly had any breath left in me, but I had to know.
‘It’s all my fault.’ Angelina looked wrecked—and that told me everything.
She was usually stoic, calm, no matter what happened. She wasn’t now, which meant this must be bad.
‘No.’ My chest squeezed tight. I couldn’t breathe.
‘They’re working on him,’ she hurried to say, hands grabbing mine, squeezing. ‘He’s alive. They’re doing what they can, but—This is all my fault.’
Hearing that Josh was still alive helped.
At least I could breathe again.
She led me over to the waiting area, where she sank down on one of the uncomfortable chairs. I sat down next to her.
‘So what happened?’
‘He met Andrew.’ She swallowed heavily and pressed the back of her hands against her eyes. ‘In my office.’
No.
‘What was he doing in your office?’
‘I wanted to make sure—just—make it clear that he wasn’t to get close to Josh no matter what.’ He bent over, elbows resting on her knees. She didn’t remove her hands from her eyes. ‘How was I supposed to know he’d suddenly show up?’
‘So he was in your office… with Andrew?’
She nodded jerkily.
‘I was just going to lay it all down to him, tell him to stay they fuck away—even if that’s what he’s supposed to do now and all, but… I don’t trust him. So I wanted to look him in the eye and see for myself.’ Her voice shook. ‘And then Joshua was there and everything went to hell.’
Oh god.
‘Did Andrew do anything to him?’
She shook her head, hands finally falling to dangle between her knees.
‘He greeted him. Calmly, casually. And Joshua, he… he ran out of there. And I was left with Andrew—and I told him what I’d planned on telling him—and then I went after Joshua, but I was too late.’
Too late for what?
I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to know what he’d done. But I had to know.
‘What’d he do? Cut his arms?’ He’d tried to cut along the main artery the first time he’d tried to kill himself, before Andrew’s abuse had ended. Was that what he’d attempted now too?
‘He swallowed all his pills.’ She glanced at me, eyes red. She wasn’t crying now—but she clearly had been and she was fighting not to break down again. ‘He was unconscious when I got there. But he woke up in the ambulance and he—he was hallucinating. It was horrible.’
I didn’t even ask what he was hallucinating about. It was obvious who it was.
‘How long’s it been?’
‘A couple of hours.’
Fucking exams.
If I hadn’t had an exam today, I would’ve kept my phone on… and then I’d known the minute Angelina first rang me.
‘Isn’t Harriet here?’ I asked instead, voice low.
‘She couldn’t get away from work. She’ll get here later.’ She buried her face in her hands again.
I didn’t know what to do. Josh was somewhere in this hospital—a bloody hospital I’d spent time in this year. This was the first year in medical school we’d been rotating different specialties—and it would continue into next year. And now Josh was fucking in here. In who knew what condition.
‘Does anyone else know?’
She shook her head.
‘I don’t know what to tell them. I’ll wait till the doctor’s been here. I just—what the hell do I tell them? I don’t want to worry them, but—’
But she thought there was something to worry about.
Shit, Josh.
What have you done?
What were you thinking?
That was easy though. He hadn’t been thinking. He was a mess after nightmares that included Andrew… so how desperate must he have been to escape it all after meeting him face to face?
I should’ve been there with him.
But I couldn’t know he’d meet Andrew face to face. He’d said something about being afraid Andrew would seek him out—but this hadn’t actually been Andrew’s fault. It was no one’s fault. It was all a coincidence… and really bad luck.
‘He’s survived a lot,’ I said, but my voice was hollow. ‘He’ll survive this too.’
What were the odds though?
Josh messed up time and time again, yet he always survived. One time it was bound to go wrong.
If Angelina was so afraid she couldn’t keep up her usual stoic facade… then I was deathly afraid that that time would be now.
I held Josh’s limp hand loose in my own, my thumb resting against his wrist, feelings his pulse.
He was alive, but in what state, no one knew.
They’d pumped his stomach but when he woke up he’d still been hallucinating and he’d been unable to feel his feet.
The doctor’s weren’t sure if it was just a temporary side-effect of all the pills he’d swallowed—or if he was actually paralysed. They didn’t know if anything was wrong with his brain or not yet.
When the doctor had come out to tell us this, both Angelina and I had listened intently. Then we’d
both asked, at the same time, if we could see him. When the doctor had glanced at me, said only family was allowed, and Angelina had said I was family…
It shouldn’t make me emotional, but it did.
I had a family. An uncle, an aunt, a niece and a nephew. And Chloe, even if she technically wasn’t related to me in any way. But I had Josh now too, and he was the closest anyone had been since my own family died. And he brought with him his mother—who was amazing, she’d done so much for Josh. She was always there for him. But also extended family, like his grandmother, his aunt and uncle, cousins…
‘Please be okay, Josh,’ I whispered, taking in his pale face. His hair was a mess too. When he got out of here, he’d have to go get it cut. Unless he wanted to actually grow it out—but he’d never said anything about that, so I didn’t think that was the case.
My phone vibrated and I lifted it from my pocket with my left hand, since the right still held Josh’s, still felt his pulse.
Silver: When r u 2 coming home? Thought we could go out celebrating ur finally done with ur exams!
Shit, I hadn’t texted Silver yet. I hadn’t texted anyone.
I hesitantly wrote out an answer, not quite sure what to write. I didn’t want to worry him—them, since Kian was bound to find out the minute Silver read my text—but I didn’t want to be too optimistic either because that would be a flat out lie.
Me: I’m not coming home. Josh’s in the hospital. It’s not looking to great right now.
And that was bound to make them worry. But what else could I write?
Silver: What? Hospital? WTFs happened?
Me: Met his uncle. Didn’t take it well. As expected, really. He swallowed all his pills. They don’t really know what kind of damage’s been done yet.
I tapped the phone against my knee as I looked at Josh again. He seemed peaceful now, but then they’d give him a sedative so he could sleep.
Silver: Shit, D. I’m sorry. Is there anything I, or we, can do?
Me: Not really. I’m just… waiting. Watching him.
This was not how my exam period was going to end. I was going to spend three whole weeks with him now, just the two of us. I’d take his mind off his bloody stepfather. Maybe we could’ve gone away somewhere. Taken a trip. That would’ve been nice.
Instead I was spending my evening in the hospital. As if I hadn’t had enough of hospitals this year. And more hospitals to look forward to next year, and the year after that, and after that again.
I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the chair.
‘Here’s your coffee.’ Angelina had come into the room without me noticing and she nudged a cardboard cup against my hand.
I put my phone between my thighs and took it from her, sipping gratefully.
‘I’m rethinking my major,’ I blurted out.
She blinked once—then her face smoothed out. Her stoic facade was back, but the anxious glanced Josh’s way from time to time gave her away.
‘Why? Because of this?’
I shook my head.
‘I’ve been thinking about it all year. Before that, really, but it’s become evident this year that I’m not very good at dealing with people.’
She gave me her full attention now, turning on her own chair so she faced me. ‘Do you want to quit studying medicine?’
I scratched the back of my neck. The thought had struck me… and I’d never shared it with anyone.
‘No. I’ve come this far. I’ve got to finish.’
‘But what’s a degree in medicine if you don’t want to use it?’ she asked, ever practical. ‘That’s a lot of years to waste.’
‘I thought I could deal with it for the last two years, and then the foundation years… since everyone has to go through that no matter what. Then I’d go into another specialty instead of the one I planned on.’
‘You were interested in Plastics, weren’t you?’
I nodded glumly.
‘But I don’t want to be a surgeon anymore. I don’t want to be a practicing doctor. I don’t want to see patients every day. I don’t like people—I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea to begin with.’
‘So what are you thinking then? What other specialty is it that won’t require you to practice? A Phd? Research?’
I chewed on my bottom lip. My phone vibrated between my thighs, but I left it for now.
‘I was thinking pathology. Start training in general histopathology and then move on to forensic pathology as a specialty.’
She nodded.
‘That’s not a bad idea.’
‘I’m much better with dead people, really.’ I glanced at Josh. Hopefully he wouldn’t end up dead. I wasn’t sure I could take that. ‘I never told him I thought about changing my specialty. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Maybe I was just freaking out for nothing, but… I hate dealing with people day in and day out.’
‘You’ve been working in hospitals this year, yeah?’
I nodded again.
‘Another four years is a long time though,’ she cautioned. ‘If you’re going to hate what you do for four years before you can do what you really want to do… is it worth it?’
I shrugged, helpless.
I’d been thinking this myself and I just didn’t know. And I hadn’t talked to Josh about it because it was a luxury for me to even have this problem.
Josh didn’t know what to do with his life period, and here I was, top grades in my A-levels, top grades in uni… I had everything I wanted ahead of me and all I had to do was reach out and grab it.
And here I was, not sure I wanted it after all.
‘What am I supposed to do if I don’t do this? It’s what I’ve been set on for years. I’ve studied hard to get here and now I’m just supposed to give up?’
‘It’s not giving up. If you’re truly not happy with it, I think quitting is better than continuing on.’ She regarded me calmly.
Where the hell did she find that calm when her son was lying right there and no one knew what he’d be like when he woke up?
I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t calm at all. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The only thing keeping me grounded right now was his pulse, so I wasn’t about to let go of his hand anytime soon.
‘But histopathology is really interesting. Forensic pathology even more so. I think I would like that, when I get that far.’
‘And until then?’
I wasn’t quite sure what to do, and now with Josh… I wasn’t sure about anything right now.
So I only shrugged and flexed my fingers before wrapping them loosely around Josh’s wrist again.
You have to survive this, Josh, you just have to.
Someone was shaking my shoulder.
My neck hurt after lying in an odd angle—and for a few moment I was disoriented as to why… and then it all came crashing back.
I sat up straight, eyes only for Josh, but he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
‘Damian.’ Angelina squeezed my shoulder. ‘You’ve still got to go to uni today, right?’
I shook my head, still a little disoriented.
‘It’s okay. Exams are done—I’m sure they’ll understand—’
‘I took the day off work. They’re more understanding. This is your future. Go make sure you have one.’ She gently, but firmly, steered me up and out of the chair. ‘I’ll sit with him until you’re done. Won’t leave his side.’
I didn’t want to leave his side.
‘How’s the night been?’
‘Quiet.’ I glanced at her. ‘He hasn’t woken up.’ At least he was stable. Still… if he didn’t wake up, we wouldn’t know what kind of state he’d be in.
‘I’ll text you through the day. Every hour. I won’t leave him alone for a second.’ She came to stand next to me, staring down at Josh too. ‘I promise, Damian. Go make sure you have everything in order at uni… and then you come back. If anything changes I’ll ring you right away.’
‘Okay.
’ I nodded, more to myself than anything. ‘Okay. Anything at all—’
‘I will call you. Got you right here on my favourites.’ She held her phone up for emphasis.
I reached out to touch Josh’s hand. I’d dropped it sometime during the night, but it was warm and it still had a pulse. He was still very much alive.
I walked home in a daze, doing everything from the tube to unlocking the front door on auto-pilot.
Silver and Kian were up and getting ready for work.
‘Shit, mate, I’m so sorry.’ Silver actually hugged me.
I stood frozen, surprised.
We didn’t hug. We’d never really done that. A one-armed one a couple times, sure, but never full-out embrace. Except now, it seemed. I slowly put my own arms around him, taking note of how they shook.
‘Is he doing better?’
I only shook my head, unable to speak. I could see Kian in their bedroom doorway, watching me with a troubled expression.
‘If there’s anything we can do,’ Silver offered.
‘There’s nothing anyone can do right now. Josh has to battle this one on his own.’ I extricated myself, not comfortable with with intimacy on my best of days.
Kian took a few steps closer to us.
‘Did his stepfather come for him? Seek him out?’
I shook my head.
‘It was an accident. For once, something wasn’t actually that psycho’s fault.’ There was no one to blame. Not Andrew, not Angelina, not Josh. It was just coincidence… with possibly fatal results.
But I can’t think about it if I want to get through the day.
‘I need a shower. Are you done in there?’ I motioned vaguely to the bathroom.
‘Yeah, yeah, it’s all yours,’ Kian said, thought it was clear it was a lie. He hadn’t styled his hair or applied his eyeliner, two things he couldn’t walk out the door without doing.
