by TT Kove
They’d lost Ray. There was no doubt Andrew would get a new sentence—but seeing me fall apart because of a little chat with the police, of knowing I’d have to witness again in the future… that was not something I wanted them to see.
Damian squeezed my shoulder.
‘You want me to come with?’
I shook my head.
‘No, that’s okay. You should stay here.’ I desperately wanted him to come. But I needed to not be so selfish. I needed to be able to do something by myself.
I trudged after Mum outside.
‘They’ve wanted to talk to you ever since you woke up in the hospital, but I put them off.’ She got in the driver’s seat.
I slid into the passenger seat.
‘I don’t want to stand in that witness box again.’
‘I’m afraid you’ll have to.’ She started the car and backed slowly out of the driveway. The same way Andrew must’ve done when he’d hurried to get away from his crime scene—only he’d gone a lot faster. And he’d crashed right into Ray. ‘You do want to put him away, don’t you?’
‘Yes. Of course.’ But I didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to see those cold eyes with no remorse.
He wasn’t just this evil person I’d made him out to be in my mind—he truly was evil. There was nothing at all redemptive about him. Not a single thing. No matter what he’d experienced in his life, no matter what left him the monster he was, I felt no compassion. None at all.
‘Why can’t he just die?’
Mum’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel.
‘Because the world’s unfair.’
‘He got away with no injuries?’
‘Just some whiplash, as far as I could gather.’
Figures.
‘You’ll get through this too, Joshua.’ She reached over to pat my hand tentatively. ‘You’ve got through so much already. This’ll be nothing. Besides, you know legal procedures don’t exactly come around quickly, so it’ll be a while until another court case.’
Yes, I had got through a lot. But I was a right mess too.
Still alive though.
That’s something.
‘I don’t want to do this.’
‘I know.’ She sighed. ‘I don’t want to make you do this. But you have to. They need to hear what happened from you.’
Yeah.
I knew I had to. I knew it would help.
Maybe he’d get another year or two for what he did to me along with what he’d get for killing Ray. That would definitely be more than he ever got for abusing me.
That still didn’t mean I wanted to do this.
I went home afterwards.
I was exhausted and going back to face Ray and Claire’s house was not something I was up to.
‘Hey.’ Silver was home when I got there. He was sprawled over the smaller sofa, surfing through channels on the TV.
‘Hi.’ I sank down on the other sofa.
He eyed me.
‘How are you feeling?’
I shrugged.
‘I’m going to stay here tonight.’ I wanted to go be with Damian, but… I couldn’t face that house. I couldn’t face all of them. ‘I think it’ll be best if he gets some alone-time with them. That he doesn’t have to worry about me.’
‘Have you let him know? Or else I’ll promise you, he’ll be worried.’
‘Yeah, I sent him a text earlier.’ After I got out of the police station and told Mum to drive me home.
She hadn’t come up with me because I’d insisted she go home. There’d been lights in the flat, which meant someone was home already, so she’d relented a lot easier than she normally would’ve. I wasn’t about to do anything while Silver and Kian were around, anyway.
‘Good.’ He nodded, then turned back to the telly where he switched channels again. ‘There’s nothing on. Tell you what, how about we rent a film and order in? Have a nice, quiet evening in front of the telly?’
A smile spread on my lips. It was small, but a smile nonetheless.
‘That sounds great.’ Just what I needed. Get my mind off everything.
The door rattled, opened, and then Kian came spilling inside.
‘Hi!’ He smiled once he spotted Silver, then again as he saw me. ‘Josh! What a surprise.’
‘We’re ordering in. Watching a film.’ Silver tilted his head back to get a more proper look at Kian. ‘It’s just the three of us and we’re going to have a nice, quiet evening.’
‘Now that I like the sound of.’ Kian strode over and bent to press a light kiss to Silver’s lips.
They had such a different relationship than Damian and I had. Every time I saw them interact, I couldn’t help but think about it.
They were so loving, so intimate… it was always what I’d wished for, but once I met Damian—being like that wasn’t something he was comfortable with. Constantly touching, kissing, sex… it was not for him. And I liked what we had. I was happy.
Well, as happy as I could be.
My phone vibrated.
I pulled it up from my pocket.
Damian had answered my text.
Damian: OK. You all right?
I wasn’t surprised he worried.
Me: Yeah, I’m fine. S, K, and I are ordering in and watching a film.
I waited anxiously for his answer. It popped in not long after.
Damian: Have fun! See you tomorrow.
My fingers tapped on the screen without thought, writing ‘you too’. Then I stopped myself. I couldn’t encourage him to have fun. Nothing was fun for him right now. Definitely not staying over in that house, without his uncle. Knowing Ray was dead.
Instead I wrote something else.
Me: I love you.
Damian: Love you too.
With nothing more to say, I hesitantly put my phone at my side, screen facing down. I chewed my lip, worried.
‘I have no idea what’s going to happen now,’ I murmured, without thought.
‘No one knows what’s going to happen in the future.’ Kian clapped my shoulder on his way past. ‘What happens, happens. No need to worry about it before you have to. I’m taking a shower.’
Silver caught my gaze.
‘I know things suck right now. And it feels like they aren’t going to get any better. But they will. Eventually. A bit better, anyway.’
First then did I remember that Silver had lost someone. His boyfriend and two best friends. In a car crash—where he’d been the driver. He’d been the only survivor.
Even Kian, no matter his cheerful attitude most of the time, had baggage. He had a mum who had neglected him his entire childhood. Who’d kept his dad, who wanted to be a part of his life, away.
Everyone had baggage—and most people lived through it. For most people, it got better.
It would for me too. For us. Hopefully.
Damian’s lost so many people already.
He’s not going to lose me.
I’ll make sure of that.
Easy enough to promise, not that easy to do. But I’d do my best. I’d take my meds, go to therapy, maybe even start back up with group, if Vincent felt it would help. Anything not to spiral back down and do something impulsive again.
Damian didn’t deserve more heartbreak. He had enough already. His whole family was dead now… his only actual blood relatives left were Matilda and Matt. And Matt… Who knew what went on with him? What would happen to him.
‘Hey.’ Silver’s hand clamped onto my knee. He’d bent forward and was now staring intensely at me. ‘Let it go for one night, okay? Let’s enjoy our evening. You’re allowed to, you know, to enjoy yourself. So, whatever’s bothering you, put it away for a few hours. For the whole night, preferably.’ He smiled slightly, but it wasn’t a happy smile.
The one I returned wasn’t happy either. But at least it was a smile. At least I was capable of it.
It was something.
Screaming met me when I entered the house.
‘We can’t move
!’ That was Matilda and she was crying.
‘We have to!’ Claire sounded upset too, but at least she wasn’t sobbing along with the yelling.
‘This is our home. We can’t just up and move right away—’
‘I can’t stay, Mathilda! Don’t you get that? He died here!’
‘I know he died here! I live here too and I know!’
I wasn’t sure what to do. This wasn’t my fight. I could leave again… but I’d just arrived and it would take forever to go back into the city and home. I could sneak down to the basement, maybe, and hope they didn’t hear me.
‘But we need time, Mum—time to pack, to find another place to live, time to—to process—’
‘I can’t stay here! This is where he was killed. Right out there! And I just—I can’t!’ And now Claire broke down too.
I shuffled awkwardly over to the basement door.
‘Where the hell are we supposed to go?’ Matilda asked, still sobbing, almost breathless.
‘I don’t know,’ Claire whispered brokenly. ‘I don’t know. Everywhere but here.’
Only another sob answered her and then Matilda came running through the living room door—right into me.
I steadied her with hands on her shoulders.
She peered up at me, eyes swimming in tears and her cheeks wet with them. Then she tore away and brushed past me, running up the stairs. I heard her bedroom door slam… and then silence.
‘Josh.’
I jumped at Claire’s voice.
‘I’m sorry.’ It slipped out automatically.
She frowned. Her eyes swam with tears too, and though they weren’t actively running down her cheeks, I could tell they had been.
‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’ She wrapped her arms around herself, sniffling.
‘Where’s Damian?’ It was weird he hadn’t been there to calm the situation.
‘He’s at school.’
My eyes widened in surprise.
‘He went to school?’ He hadn’t told me that.
Claire nodded jerkily.
‘They approved his absence for extenuating circumstances, but he said he couldn’t be away more than a week. So this morning… he went.’
Claire hadn’t been at work since Ray died, and Matilda and Matt hadn’t been to college. Everyone else had gone back to their lives, but nothing else was to be expected. No one else could take time off for this… though my family had taken a few days to come up here. First to visit me in the hospital, and then to stay for the funeral.
They were all gone now though. Gone back home.
‘I can ask Mum if you can stay with her and Harriet,’ I offered then. ‘My old room’s a guest room now. Someone have to sleep on the sofa, though. And there’s always our sofa.’
Claire pressed her hand to her mouth. Then she nodded.
‘I would really appreciate it if you could do that.’
‘I’ll ring her when she’s finished work.’
Claire glanced around.
‘I have to get away from this house.’
‘I understand,’ I whispered because I did. I didn’t want to stay here either. ‘The good memories… there might be more of them, but we remember the bad ones better anyway.’
Claire nodded again.
‘Exactly. The sooner I can get away from here, the better.’
‘I’ll ring Mum soon. Promise.’
She turned back into the living room then and I trudged down to Damian’s room in the basement.
I’d expected him to be here.
That’s what I get for not texting first, I guess.
Now what was I supposed to do for the next few hours?
I hadn’t had a good night’s sleep, so resting my eyes for a bit felt like it was in order.
Next thing I knew, a hand stroked my cheek, coaxing me awake.
‘Damian.’ I smiled sleepily up at him.
‘You been sleeping since you got here?’
‘Mmm, yeah.’ I stretched, slowly coming back to awareness. ‘I didn’t know you were going to school today.’
‘I didn’t either until this morning. Just figured I should. I didn’t have anything better to do.’
‘Have you made a decision on what to do?’ I rubbed his forearm gently.
He shook his head.
‘I don’t now. It’s my fourth year… Should probably just finish the degree and take it from there.’
It hadn’t sounded like he wanted to do that at all—but maybe the grief had been talking.
‘I shouldn’t make any decisions right now. Not big ones like that.’ He stroked my cheek again. ‘I might regret it later. If not… then I can just quit then.’
‘Wise choice.’
He shouldn’t make decisions while he was grieving.
At the same time, he’d sounded absolutely miserable when he told me about all this… I’d support him no matter what he decided.
‘I have to talk to Mum.’ I pushed up on my elbows and fished my phone out of my pocket.
‘What for?’ He eyed me wryly.
‘Claire doesn’t want to stay here. She had a row with Matilda earlier. They were screaming and crying.’ It still made me uncomfortable. ‘But she can’t stay here. So I said I’d talk to Mum, maybe they could stay with her for a while.’
He frowned, but nodded.
‘Yeah, I know. She told me last night she didn’t want to stay another night in this house. I don’t get it; it’s her home. Has been for years. How can she just leave it?’
‘Because it reminds her of Ray and it hurts.’
He stared at me now.
‘Yeah…’ He sighed. ‘If it’d been you—then yeah, I guess I wouldn’t want to stay here either.’
Something twisted painfully in my chest. It could’ve easily been me. If Andrew had bashed my head against the table a little harder…
I wrapped my arms around Damian’s neck and pressed up close to him.
It wasn’t me, but I wished that it had been.
I couldn’t say that. I was going to be strong now, I wasn’t going to do anything that jeopardised my life. I was going to be here for him.
He’d already lost everyone.
He couldn’t lose more people.
It was going to be hard for me, with my unstable emotions and self-destructive impulsivity… but I was willing to do whatever it took. As long as I got to be with him, all would be well. Especially now that Andrew was back in prison and staying there for a good, long time.
With Andrew back behind bars, everything somehow seemed a little easier to deal with on my end. Even with Ray’s death, even with all the chaos Andrew had landed us all in.
‘We’ll get through this,’ I whispered against his shoulder, squeezing him tight. ‘We will.’
He grabbed my forearms and held on, eyes squeezing shut.
‘I bloody well hope so.’
The house was empty. Floors and walls were bare, the windows devoid of curtains and flowers; everything that had made it a home. The contents had been sold or thrown away or put in storage for when they got their own place to live, like most of the furniture from both Matilda and Matt’s rooms, as well as pictures and knick-knacks of sentimental value.
Claire hadn’t wanted to keep much of the bigger stuff from every other room in the house. It was too painful for her. Like their bed. She couldn’t bring herself to throw it or sell it, so she’d put it in storage, but she planned on buying a new one for when she moved.
I could totally understand.
Damian walked from room to room. He left the basement for last.
I followed him down without a word. He hadn’t spoken since we entered the house, and I didn’t want to break the silence.
Once inside his old room, he stopped. Right in the middle of it. He looked around, eyes filling with tears. I could see he tried to stop them, but he was unsuccessful. They spilled over, running down his cheeks.
‘They had two kids to take care of,’ he whispered in
a broken voice. ‘Yet they came to the hospital the second they were notified. They took me home—and I stayed there until Silver and I moved into the flat. They didn’t even hesitate.’
He wiped furiously at the tears.
‘I came here from an abusive childhood, to people who wanted me, who were normal. I’d never known that before. No more fits of anger, of being slapped around, of emotional abuse. I was safe here. They made it safe. For the first time… Only good things happened to me after they took me in, and now Ray’s not here anymore to see what good they both did for me.’
I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, leaning against his back, resting my cheek against the top of his spine.
‘He knew. He knew how much you loved him and he knew what he’d done for you, how much you appreciated it. He knew you were going to be okay, that you were okay.’
‘They worried about me, you know. Until you came along.’
They’d worried Damian would forever be alone. He’d had no interest in anyone—except me. Here I was, three years on, and we were still together. We were tight, strong.
‘My family’s gone. Ray is gone. Now the house is gone too. It’s too bloody much.’ He drew in a shaky breath and that simple motion seemed to tip the full glass over.
He turned abruptly, a sob escaping him as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and cried into my neck.
I stood steady, held him tight, and let him lose it. He needed to get all the feelings he kept bottled up inside out.
‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’ His voice was hoarse, broken, wounded.
‘Me neither.’ I clung to him, needing his strength as much as he needed mine. ‘What was it Silver said back when me met? “Maybe two scarred souls can make each other whole”. I think he was right. We do make each other whole. Or as whole as we can be, anyway.’
He didn’t reply, only continued to cry, but I knew he’d heard me because he held me tighter.
‘Do you think she’s acted too quickly? Moved everything out of here too soon? If you can’t handle it—’
He drew back and wiped at his eyes.
‘It’s fine. I’m fine. I can handle it.’ He looked around at the empty, hollow room again. ‘This was always my room. Even when I moved out, they left it exactly as it’d been when I still lived here.’
