by Rowena Mohr
‘But I really needed to talk to you. Can’t you see that this is a major crisis for me?’
‘I’m sorry, Er. I didn’t know Grandad was going to get sick at the same time as you were having a crisis.’
‘Well, what am I going to do about it? You’ve got to help me. Imagine if they actually decided to get married or something?’
Rami gave me this funny look over the top of her coffee cup.
‘Look, play it cool, okay? You don’t know what’s going to happen. Your mum’s probably just lonely.’
‘Lonely?’
‘Yeah. Mums get lonely too, you know. I mean, how long have your parents been divorced now?’
‘Only five months.’
‘But they were separated for a long time before that, weren’t they?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So she’s probably just lonely. Now calm down and pay attention. I’ve got some really good gossip for you.’
And then she told me that Serena Immas told her that Marisa Mendoza is going to audition for Australian Idol! Apparently it’s this big secret except the whole school already knows. Oh, God, imagine if she actually gets in? She’ll be even more unbearable than she normally is.
Rami and I call her Mandozer – you know, like bulldozer except she knocks over men instead of trees. And she has this little gang that always follows her around – like the Pink Ladies in Grease – and we call them the Dozey Doras! And – this is just to give you an idea of how stupid these people are – guess what they call us? You’d think that with names like Ramiya Cabot and Erin Costello they’d have come up with something better than ‘Cabbage-head’ and ‘Urine’! I mean, I know Rami’s got a round face but she certainly doesn’t look anything like a cabbage. To be honest, she looks much more like one of the muppets. Especially when she laughs because then her head nearly splits in half! In a very attractive way, of course.
Wednesday 27 April 5.16 pm
Trying desperately not to think about my mother and Creepazoid having sex but is extremely difficult when I have to actually have classes with him. He is such a disgusting hypocrite. This morning in PE he sent Serena Immas home because she was wearing nothing but a thong and a butterfly tattoo under her uniform, but every time she bent over to pick up the ball his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Creep! I bet he only teaches PE so he gets to perv on all the girls. What is my mother thinking?
Serena’s excuse was pretty good, too. ‘Sorry, sir. It’s just so comfortable I forgot I was wearing it.’ I think that means she has just graduated from bimbette to fully-fledged bimbo. Question: What do you call a group of bimbos? A bubble-head of bimbos? Or is it simply the case that birds of a feather-brain flock together again?
Thursday 28 April 4.15 pm
Spent the last class being asphyxiated by Ivan the Smellable. The boys all thought it was hilarious, of course. We were listening to this piece of music called Flight of the Bumblebee and Ivan decided the brass section needed a bit of help. Dicko, completely oblivious as usual, doesn’t hear anything – but it doesn’t take him long to smell it. So then he says, ‘Someone in this room has foul bowels’. With brilliant timing, Ivan lets off a whole mass of stinkers just to get Dicko up to speed. Everyone else nearly passed out, but Rami and I were well prepared.
Last week we went to the chemist after school and bought a whole box of paper masks – you know the kind you always see Japanese commuters wearing so they don’t get germs from all the other passengers? Anyway, Rami and I start handing out the masks pretending we’re flight attendants and demonstrating the correct way to put them on. Everyone’s desperate for a mask because the smell’s so bad but then Ivan steals a couple from the box and he’s wearing them round the classroom like a bra, still buzzing and farting for all he’s worth and Dicko’s yelling at everyone to sit down and shut up and everything turns into total chaos.
And Mum wonders why my marks are so bad. I mean, how am I supposed to be an academic over-achiever when most of my classes end up like rehearsals for an under-funded French-Canadian circus?
Speaking of rehearsals, Dicko announced auditions for the school musical today. I really, really want to be in it this year but I kind of forgot about the fact that, to be in a musical, you have to be able to sing. I am never going to get my career as a famous actress started at this rate!
Friday 29 April 4.50 pm
The cops turned up at school today, dragged Vince Cuoccolo out of geography and started frisking him in the corridor. Apparently they’d had a tip-off about Vince’s brother Tony – he’s the brains of the drug-dealing operation; well, it wouldn’t be Vince, would it? – and were just checking to see what little brother knew. But then, while they’re roughing him up, Creepazoid comes storming down the corridor demanding to know what’s going on and mouthing off about Vince’s rights and stuff. He and the head cop have a little chat, they let Vince go, and two minutes later he’s back in geography class pretending he understands the socio-political implications of artificial population control. Only at Wilga Heights!
Saturday 30 April 2.20 pm
As bored as it’s possible to be and still be conscious. It’s our weekend with Dad and there is absolutely nothing to do. Can’t go over to Rami’s because Dad won’t drive me – says the car’s in the shop but it’s been in the shop for months! Can’t go to the movies coz Dad says he can’t afford it at the moment but maybe next time. Yeah, right! Like he’ll have found a job in the next two weeks. He says there’s not much call for skilled furniture-makers at the moment – everyone’s buying cheap crappy stuff from IKEA. He’s always got an excuse. Every time we come over, he’s just sitting on the couch watching TV and feeling sorry for himself. It’s like he’s lost the plot totally. Mum’s not too pleased with him either because he’s not paying child support so the vibe between the two of them could start a new Ice Age. The only one who doesn’t seem to mind the whole messed-up situation is Ben. He and Dad have gone across the road to the park to play footy like everything’s just a-okay. Sometimes I think that as long as men have got a football (or a remote control) in one hand and a beer in the other, they really don’t need anything else.
Kept thinking about what Rami said about Mum being lonely. I’m sorry, but it’s no excuse.
may
Sunday 1 May 1.16 pm
Awake all night! At first I thought that there’d been a mass breakout from the local pound and all the dogs were celebrating at the end of Dad’s street. Realised afterwards that it was just Kerry Fennessy’s brother’s party. Three kegs of beer lasts a REALLY long time!
SLB decided to make pancakes for breakfast this morning (honestly, it’s like he’s going for the award for the Suckiest Son of the Year or something), so while he was throwing flour around the kitchen I very delicately tried to tell Dad that Mum was seeing this creepy new guy from school and it was starting to look pretty serious. I even told him about Serena Immas and the thong incident and how Creepazoid was having a good perv. At first he just laughed and said she wasn’t his wife anymore and it really wasn’t any of his business who she went out with, but then he got all soppy and started saying he understood how hard it must be for me to accept that my mummy and daddy had split up but when I was older I would understand. Ha!
Monday 2 May 4.22 pm
We have to read Go Ask Alice again. It’s this supposedly real – yeah, right! – diary of a teenage girl who runs away from home and falls into a totally predictable downward spiral of drugs and sex and ends up dying from a heroin overdose at the end of the book. I mean, it’s just got ‘morality tale’ stamped all over it. Besides, do they really think that getting us to read some stupid old book is going to stop us from taking drugs? Especially when the most effective anti-drug message is walking around the school in a cloud of Marlboro smoke, hacking his lungs up and asking everyone if they’re ‘chasin’.
The house is thankfully Creepazoid free although he rang about three times to smooch with Mum over the phone. Yuk!
&nbs
p; Tuesday 3 May 5.16 pm
I AM going to audition for the school musical. Mrs Parisi took me aside after class today and asked me if I was going to audition. I don’t know why she cares. I told her I’m not the world’s greatest singer but she said that a good actor can always ‘act’ the songs – and she gave me an example of that old guy in My Fair Lady, Rex somebody, who she said couldn’t sing a note but just kind of ‘talked’ his way through the songs. Well, I don’t have any problems with talking, so yeah, I’m going to give it a go. Besides, a famous actress has to start somewhere.
This year’s production is a musical version of Dracula written and directed by Dicko who, I’ve just discovered, is a founding member of the Wilga Heights Amateur Theatre – or WHAT. Mrs Parisi is the producer. She also suggested I borrow the book from the library to get a head start. Maybe I’d better because I didn’t even know it was based on a book.
The auditions are Friday afternoon after school. We have to prepare a speech from a play, movie or TV show – and sing a song! Yikes! I think I might do something from one of my favourite movies, The Opposite of Sex. You probably don’t know it, but it’s this really old movie with Christina Ricci where she runs away from home to go and stay with her gay brother – even though she says she doesn’t like gay guys, she does really – and then she ends up seducing her brother’s boyfriend and trying to convince him that she’s having his baby. She’s not, of course. She was already pregnant before she seduced him but they only find that out when she shoots the baby’s real father. Anyway, they sort it all out and she keeps the baby and stuff but it doesn’t have one of those stupid soppy endings that most American movies have. I mean, they sort it out but it’s still pretty screwed up – everyone just learns to deal with the screwed-upness of it. So yeah, it’s a really good movie. I recommend it.
Told Creepazoid that I’d forgotten my PE uniform in the hope that he’d send me home like Serena Immas – but the creep made me clean out the equipment room instead!
Tuesday 3 May 8.12 pm
I’ve been trying to persuade Rami to audition for Dracula as well but she just said that if everyone is on stage there’ll be no one left to watch.
Wednesday 4 May 6.17 pm
How am I supposed to prepare for an audition under these conditions? Mum just burst into my room and asked what I meant by telling Dad that Chris was a pervert. Then she went on this big rave about how much she’s sacrificed for Ben and me and that it was her turn to be happy and if I couldn’t handle that then I could go and live with my father full-time. As if! Honestly, she gets so worked up about nothing sometimes. Not that I really expected her to take my side. She’s so brainwashed by lover boy she wouldn’t know which way was up. Just because he buys her chocolates and sexy knickers (well, sexy for her!) and takes her out for candle-lit dinners. I mean, it’s like the guy has just learnt all this stuff out of a magazine and he’s reeling her in like a fish on a hook.
Friday 6 May 7.50 pm
Well, the auditions were pretty interesting. Ivan and Kerry tried to out-rap each other, kind of like Eminem and the black guys in that stupid movie 8 Mile. Of course, Ivan added in a few ‘phat beats’ of his own, if you know what I mean, and the smell nearly wiped out the first couple of rows of the audience.
I am also happy to report that Marisa Mendoza’s acting audition was a complete disaster. She did Portia from The Merchant of Venice but not only did she forget the words, she played the character like Judge Judy on crack wearing a handkerchief on her head. I don’t know much about Shakespeare but I’m pretty sure that’s not right. Actually I was surprised that Mandozer would be bothered auditioning for the crappy old school musical when she’s going to be the next Australian Idol, but maybe she realises she’s got about as much chance of winning as Ivan the Smellable has of becoming Cleo Bachelor of the Year.
There were also a couple of real surprises! Surprise Number One was Door Matt. Who would have thought that Mr Please-wipe-your-feet-before-you-walk-all-over-me could actually sing! He was a bit nervous to start with but then he got right into it and suddenly it was like he was on MTV or something. Totally awesome! Mandozer nearly fell off her chair. She still won’t go out with him, though.
Surprise Number Two was even weirder. You are not going to believe this but it was Psycho Stalker Guy! Apparently he’s in Year 11 and his name’s Brendan Russo. He sang that song, ‘Throw Your Arms Around Me,’ and when he finished all the girls were going sick like he was some kind of rock god or something. Okay, he can sing and, yeah, he’s sort of hot, but really!
SLB auditioned as well – even though he’s only in Year 8. I overheard Mrs Parisi telling Dicko that they needed all the boys they could get and Mum had told her about all the eisteddfods he’d won. Little suck!
I know, I know. I haven’t said anything about how I went. Well, I think I went okay. Mrs Parisi seemed quite pleased and I wasn’t even that scared once I got up there. Except when they made me sing. Then I just sort of blanked out.
It can’t have been too bad though, because everyone came up to me afterwards and said how good I was. Everyone except Rami that is! Door Matt was really sweet and said he totally loved my speech from The Opposite of Sex and was definitely going to rent the DVD. Even SLB yelled out, ‘Way to go, sis!’ as he scooted past with some of his nerdy little midget-mates.
There was still no sign of Rami so I had a quick scan around the auditorium and there she was practically dribbling over Rock God Stalker Guy like every other half-wit girl in the room. Unbelievable!
And then Rock God Stalker Guy sees me looking for Rami but of course he thinks I’m looking at him so he gives me this cooler-than-Kurt-Cobain nod like I’m just another of his ga-ga groupies and maybe he’ll give me an autograph later if he’s got time. As if! I decide to leave them to their little love-fest and I’m halfway out the door when Rami comes rushing up dragging Rock God Stalker Guy by the elbow and yelling at me to wait up.
‘Erin, hold on. I want you to meet Brendan.’ I couldn’t tell whether she was panting from running across the theatre or because she was actually touching a Rock God. ‘Wasn’t he fantastic?’ She gazed at him adoringly like he was Nelson Mandela, Bono and Al Gore rolled into one. She was really far gone!
‘Actually,’ I said, ‘we’ve already met. At the museum.’ Rami looked a bit confused. ‘Brendan’s really into wombats,’ I explained. Rami looked even more confused but of course Brendan pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about.
‘Great audition,’ he said. ‘You really aced it.’
You know there is something weird about this guy. I just can’t figure him out. I thought at first he was being sarcastic again but actually I don’t think he was. There’s definitely something going on though. It’s like he’s secretly laughing at me – like he knows something about me that I don’t know about myself. I saw it at the museum too and for some reason it makes me really uncomfortable. Fortunately for me, Mandozer and her coven sashayed up at just that moment and for once in my life I was glad to see them.
Mandozer elbowed Rock God Stalker Guy out of the way and eyeballed me like I was something she’d scraped off the bottom of her stiletto. ‘Hey, Urine Breath. I s’pose you think you’re going to get the lead now? Well, back off, bitch, coz it’s mine.’ And off she flounced with her nose in the air and her gang-lettes trailing obediently behind her. What a diva!
Anyway, we don’t find out till Monday who got which role so Mandozer’ll have to suffer all weekend. In the meantime, I thought I’d share this lyrical gem from Da Crazee Crue – otherwise known as Ivan and Kerry:
Snoop Kerry: Yo, Bro, we're gonna be in the dough
When all the people know
That we are so Totally sick . . . (sounds of gagging from the audience)
DJ Ivan: Quick, dude, let’s be rude (insert trumpet-like fart here) and crude (insert beautifully-controlled wolfwhistle-like fart here)
Let’s get nude (collective ‘Eeeuuww!’ from audience)
Hatch a plot, find some chicks
Who are hot for our booty! (more gagging)
Saturday 7 May 2.02 am
Can’t sleep. Keep thinking about what it’ll be like when I’m famous. Like, who will I hang out with in Hollywood? Definitely Jesse McCartney! Definitely not Ashton Kutcher! Of course, Rami can come too. She can be my personal assistant or something.
Saturday 7 May 10.11 am
Got up this morning and there’s Creepazoid lying on the couch reading the funnies IN HIS JOCKS!! Disgusting perv!
Mum had gone to the shops with Ben and left me alone with him. What was she thinking? Doesn’t she know what happens when you leave teenage girls and strange creeps alone in the house together? Doesn’t she read the papers? He didn’t say anything except, ‘Morning, Erin,’ but I knew what he was thinking. I grabbed the Double-choc Nutri-pops and some milk, ran back to the bedroom as fast as I could and locked the door!!
Rang Rami to tell her I was a prisoner in my own home but she just laughed and said I was overreacting! Ha! What does she know about it? Her hippy-dippy, organic-vegie-eating parents have brought her up on all this peace and love crap (except for the evil capitalist corporations, of course) and she really believes that most people have good intentions. She is sooo naive sometimes!
When Mum got home, I told her that her new boyfriend had been wandering around the house naked. What steps did she take to protect her only daughter? She made salami sandwiches for lunch! Sucky Little Brother showed his solidarity by playing touch football in the backyard with the Creepazoid all afternoon. Feel so alone!
Sunday 8 May 5.23 pm
Mother’s Day or, as it should be known, Torture Your Daughter Day. Seriously, someone should tell Amnesty International. Chris the Creep insisted on taking us all out for lunch to some over-priced French restaurant where everything was drenched in about five litres of cream. Vomitous. Of course Mum thought it was fantastic and if the food wasn’t enough to make you sick, the sight of those two smooching away like a couple of mangy old cats certainly would!
