by Duncan Ball
! It was the world’s worst belly-flop!
As I lay aching, head to toe
The girl said, ‘See, I told you so.’
My Limerick
A dog who could talk (call me Selby)
When asked if my talent might well be
Unique to this earth
I replied with great mirth,
‘If you know any others, please tell me!'
Selby in Suspense
‘Talk to me, you dummy dodo dog!’ Willy demanded. ‘You talk to me! I know you can talk so you’d better do it now!’
Selby was dangling upside down, suspended by a rope tied around his foot. Willy pointed his new video camera at Selby’s face.
‘You talk to me or else!’ Willy said. ‘I’m going to show the video to everyone. Then they’ll know I’m not lying.’
Selby sighed a dog-like sigh and rolled his eyes.
‘The brat must think I’m a complete idiot,’ Selby thought. ‘There’s no way I’m ever going to talk to him again no matter what he does to me. I’ll just dangle here from his stupid booby trap till the Trifles find out what’s happening. Then Willy will be in big, big trouble. How did I ever get myself into this mess?’
Getting into the mess had been easy. Selby knew that Aunt Jetty was going to leave her dreadful son, Willy, with the Trifles while she went shopping. But Selby was on the lookout and ready to hide at a moment’s notice. As soon as they pulled up in front of the house he was going to head for his favourite hiding bush in the backyard. Willy would never find him there.
That was the plan — but then Dr Trifle came out of his workroom with another brilliant new invention.
‘I call it Breath-Away Miracle Window Cleaner,’ Dr Trifle said, proudly holding the spray bottle next to the front window.
‘Window cleaner has already been invented,’ Mrs Trifle pointed out.
‘Yes, but I hate all that rubbing and scrubbing. There are always streaks when you finish and you can never get into the corners. Breath-Away is different — watch,’ Dr Trifle said, spraying the inside of the front window.
‘It’s gone all cloudy and white,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I can’t see a thing.’
‘Just stand back and watch.’
Sure enough, soon the window cleared and was cleaner than Selby had ever seen it before.
‘That’s brilliant!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But where did the dirt go?’
‘It fell down onto the windowsill,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘Now all you have to do is blow it away. That’s why I call it Breath-Away. I also called it that because it’s such a brilliant invention that it takes your breath away.’
‘I’m not sure about this blowing-the-dirt-away business,’ Mrs Trifle said, wiping the specks of dirt from the windowsill with a rag. ‘But it certainly does work. How about going outside and cleaning the other side of the window?’
Selby stayed inside the house and saw the doctor suddenly disappear as he sprayed the window.
‘He’s so clever,’ Selby thought. ‘I wish I was good at inventing inventions.’
Suddenly the glass cleared and there, standing next to Dr Trifle, was the hideous sight of Aunt Jetty.
‘They’re here!’ Selby thought as he ran into the garage and then shot through the hole in the wall and into the backyard. ‘I’ve got to get away before that crazy kid catches me.’
Just then there was a sproing! and a whizzang! as Selby’s foot landed right in Willy’s booby trap. In a microsecond, Selby was pulled up into the air like a rocket.
‘Got you this time!’ Willy giggled, pointing his video camera at Selby. ‘Now you talk, mister stink-face stupi-bottom dog! Talk right now!’ ‘No way,’ Selby thought. ‘Fat chance. Not on your life! You’ve got to be dreaming. This kid must think I’m a total idiot. I’ll hang here till the cows come home but I’m never ever going to say a word.’
Selby could hear Dr Trifle talking to Aunt Jetty inside the house.
‘Be nice to Willy,’ Aunt Jetty was saying. ‘The poor darling is feeling a bit sad ever since his goldfish died.’
‘His goldfish died?’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Willy put him in the washing machine. He wanted to watch him surf. Apparently the little fellow wasn’t much of a swimmer, because he drowned or something.’
‘Don’t you worry about Willy,’ Dr Trifle said as Aunt Jetty drove away. ‘Hmmm, I wonder where he’s got to?’
Just before Dr Trifle came around the corner of the garage, Willy pulled the release string on his booby trap and Selby came crashing to the ground.
‘Oh, there you are, Willy,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Having a little play with Selby, are you?’
‘He doesn’t like me,’ Willy whined. ‘Look! He just lies there like a dumb-head!’
‘He’s probably having a rest,’ Dr Trifle said, spraying some Breath-Away Miracle Window Cleaner on the lens of Willy’s video camera. ‘Come and play with the computer.’
‘Every bone in my body aches,’ Selby thought as he limped to the back of the yard and curled up in his hiding bush. ‘Some day, somehow I’m going to get that kid and when I do I’ll … ‘
But before he could think of what he’d do to Willy, Selby fell sound asleep. He slept for a while and then something struck him — it was a big stick.
‘Wake up, stupo,’ Willy said, waving the stick in the air.
Selby jumped to his feet and without so much as a second thought, dived for the hole in the back of the garage. But just as he was flying through the air and thinking of how he was going to block the hole and lock Willy out, he remembered Willy’s booby trap.
‘Oh, no! It’s probably right inside the garage!’ Selby thought as he sailed through the air. ‘I think he’s tricked me again!’
Sure enough, just as Selby’s head went through the hole he saw the loop of Willy’s rope lying on the floor. But Selby tucked his legs up tight like a broad-jumper trying to jump an extra centimetre, and glided over the rope and onto the floor beyond.
Just then, Willy came scrambling through the hole — right onto the rope.
‘Yike!’ Willy yelled as the booby trap caught his leg and flung him up to the ceiling. ‘It’s got me!’
The sight of the tiny torturer swinging from a rope was too much for Selby. He let out a long, un-dog-like laugh.
‘It’s not funny,’ Willy whimpered.
‘If you could see how silly you look,’ Selby said in plain English, ‘you’d laugh too.’
‘You talked! You talked!’
‘Of course I talked,’ Selby sighed. ‘You know perfectly well I can talk. But it won’t do you a bit of good because nobody believes a word you say.’
‘I’m telling!’
‘Tell all you want.’
Just then, Dr and Mrs Trifle opened the door to the garage and found Willy dangling from the rope.
‘I do believe you’ve been caught in your own trap, Willy,’ Mrs Trifle said, untying the rope and lowering him down.
‘That dog talked to me!’ Willy screamed.
‘Come, come now, Willy,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You’re old enough to know that dogs can’t talk.’
‘He can and he did,’ Willy said, running for a shelf and picking up his video camera. ‘And it’s on my video! It was going all the time! Put it in the TV! You’ll see!’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘The kid tricked me. He wasn’t trying to catch me with the booby trap. He was trying to catch me on his video camera — and he did! I’ve been outwitted by a halfwit nitwit!’
‘I’m sure you’re wrong,’ Mrs Trifle said to Willy.
‘You look!’ Willy cried. ‘Look at the video!’
‘All right,’ Dr Trifle said, taking the tape out of Willy’s hand. ‘If it’ll make you happy.’
Selby followed the Trifles into the lounge room. Dr Trifle wound the video tape back a bit and then pushed the PLAY button.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘This is it. I’m gone. They’ll have to believe Willy now. I can’t
stand it! I can’t let that little brat tattle on me. I’d rather tell them myself.’
Selby stepped up next to the Trifles and cleared his throat. He was about to say, ‘Excuse me, but I’m afraid that Willy is right — I can talk,’ when the video began playing.
The first thing Selby heard was his own voice saying, ‘If you could see how silly you look, you’d laugh too.’
‘That’s him talking!’ Willy screamed, pointing at the TV. ‘That’s Selby! He talks! See?’
‘I don’t see anything,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I can hear a strange voice but I can’t see anything. Are you sure that voice isn’t from a TV show?’
‘No, no, it’s him! It’s that dummy dog!’
Selby looked over at the TV, which was all white and snowy. Dr Trifle fast-forwarded the tape and then fast-backwarded it, but it was no use — there was no picture.
‘That’s very odd,’ Mrs Trifle said, suddenly looking over at the window which Dr Trifle had used to test his Miracle Window Cleaner. ‘And look, this is even odder: that Window Cleaner has made the window go all white. You can’t see through it anymore.’
Selby looked at the window and then at the lens on Willy’s video camera. It, too, had gone white.
‘Oops,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I think that Window Cleaner isn’t such a miracle, after all. And I think I’ve ruined Willy’s camera.’
By now Mrs Trifle had fast-backwarded the tape to the beginning — the part before Dr Trifle’s lens cleaning, when Selby was hanging upside down by his leg.
‘Willy!’ she cried. ‘You horrible child! No wonder Selby doesn’t like to play with you! Look what you did to him! I’m going to give you a good, hard spanking for being so cruel to Selby!’
‘No, don’t spank me!’ Willy cried as the first blow began to fall on his bottom. ‘My goldfish died and you have to be nice to me! Mum said you have to! Oooooooowwwwww!’
‘Well, I don’t know,’ Selby thought as he headed for the backyard again. ‘I guess some things do turn out all right after all. That Breath-Away stuff turned out to be a miracle for me. And it certainly is taking Willy’s breath away right now!’
‘Selby in Suspense’ first appeared in the book Selby Supersnoop.
Willy and Billy
The (dreadful) twin sons of Aunt Jetty, and Selby’s most hated enemies.
PERSONAL DETAILS:
Real names: Will and Bill.
Principal activities: Breaking things. Hurting people. Terrorising Selby.
Age: 8.
Height: Short.
Weight: Heavy.
Favourite expressions: Willy: ‘It’s not my fault!’ Billy: ‘I didn’t do it!’
Likes: Watching violent videos and wrestling matches.
Dislikes: Selby, and almost everyone else.
BACKGROUND:
When the twins Willy and Billy were born they were covered in scratches, bruises and teeth marks from fighting with each other.
Many people wonder how they could have been named ‘Willy’ and ‘Billy’ because both those names are short for ‘William'. Did Aunt Jetty name both her boys ‘William'? No.
Just after her boys were born, Aunt Jetty thought she was going to die, so she screamed out, ‘Will!', meaning she wanted to make a will. At that very moment the person who takes down names of newly born babies had come around to find out what Jetty was going to name the boys. While she was writing the name ‘Will’ in the name box on the form, Aunt Jetty suddenly felt better and decided that she wanted to leave the hospital that very moment. So she screamed out, ‘Bill!', meaning she wanted to pay the hospital bill.
So Willy and Billy’s names are really Will and Bill.
Postie Paterson
Bogusville’s much-loved postman and amateur actor.
PERSONAL DETAILS:
Job: Postman and keeper of the Bogusville Zoo.
Real name: Poseidon Paterson.
Nickname: Postie.
Born: At sea.
Favourite activities: Looking after animals and delivering the mail. (He particularly enjoys delivering postcards. No, he never reads them, it’s just that they’re lighter and easier to carry.)
Likes: Almost everyone, and all animals.
Dislikes: Messy handwriting and people who don’t write their postcodes.
BACKGROUND:
Postie’s mother was the captain of a container ship and he was born during a storm at sea. She named him after Poseidon (pronounced poss-EYE-dun), the god of the sea.
Postie loved people from when he was little and he discovered that one of the things he loved to do was to deliver things to them. When his parents settled in Bogusville, Postie got after-school jobs delivering newspapers, groceries and flowers.
After he finished school he discovered a second thing that he loved to do: look after animals. He was flying a plane over a rainforest in South America (delivering medicine to hospitals) when his plane crashed. Six months later — when he’d been given up for dead — Postie found his way out of the rainforest. With him were a number of animals that he’d made friends with: a monkey, a parrot, a boa constrictor, a spider, two mice and a panther. When he couldn’t look after them back home in Bogusville, he built the Bogusville Zoo.
My Best Friend
I wrote a note to my best friend
To say how much our friendship meant
I said that it could
never end
That it was solid as cement.
I wrote a note to my best friend
A closer friend could never be
It was a note I couldn’t send
‘Cuz my very best friend is me!
Tiffany Taffeny Tow
Tiffany Taffeny Tow
Had one gigantic toe.
Some people laughed.
They said, ‘Ho, ho,
That must make running very slow.’
‘That’s true,’ said Tiff. ‘But it’s a treat
To have this digit on my feet.’
With this, she’d smile a smile most sweet
Then kick them up and down the street.
Camilla Bonzer
Bogusville Primary School’s highly respected teacher-librarian.
PERSONAL DETAILS:
Job: Teacher-librarian.
Born in: Alpha, Queensland.
General appearance: Tense, nervous and frazzled (especially around Book Week).
Weight: Thinnish.
Favourite food: Alphabet soup.
Favourite activities: Reading. Running the Bogusville Dino diSwarve (the famous Hollywood movie star) Fan Club.
Likes: Books neatly in order on the shelves.
Dislikes: Kids who have overdue books.
BACKGROUND:
Camilla showed early librarian tendencies. When she was one year old she was given one of those plastic books you can take into the bath and, while her parents weren’t looking, she covered it neatly with plastic.
Other signs of librarianship came later: Camilla started wearing glasses before she needed them (they were just empty frames), insisted that her mother buy her clumpy shoes, and liked wearing her hair in a bun.
Camilla read every book in her local library. She was very good with words, so when she was a teenager she left home and briefly became a rap dancer.
Eventually she settled in Bogusville and, apart from an unfortunate episode in which she tried to blow up the school, and an equally unfortunate episode in which she ran away with Dino diswarve, she’s been a model teacher-librarian ever since.
Sergeant Short & Constable Long
Bogusville’s two policemen.
Personal details:
Job: Police officers.
Physical characteristics: Short and long.
Favourite expression: ‘Hello, hello, hello.’ (When greeting people.)
Favourite activity: Keeping the peace.
Likes: Law and order.
Dislikes: Lawlessness and disorder.
BACKGROUND:
Sergea
nt Short and Constable Long are cousins who were born on exactly the same day. They lived next door to one another and were interested in solving crimes from an early age.
When they were just seven they realised that their kindly old grandmother was none other than the famous bankrobber Shotgun Sally, and turned her over to the police. They had very cleverly worked this out from the evidence. Firstly, every time there was a bank robbery the boys were given birthday presents even when it wasn’t their birthday. And, secondly, they found a mask, a shotgun and a bag of money under her bed. (She is still in prison but due to get out in the next Selby book.) When they were at school, they were class prefects, often referred to as ‘The Dobbing Duo'.
Selby Lovestruck
Selby was madly in love.
It all began when the Trifles left Selby at home when they went on holidays. Of course they didn’t know that he was the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, and that he could look after himself when they were away. So they asked Aunt Jetty to drop around to fill Selby’s bowl with Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits from time to time.
Selby spent his days reading, playing with the computer and watching lots and lots of TV. All of which would have been perfectly wonderful if Selby hadn’t fallen madly in love with a beautiful actress called Bonnie Blake.
Bonnie was the incredibly talented and beautiful mega TV soapie star of a series called Restless Hearts Aflame. But the day Selby fell in love he was watching her being interviewed on another show called Your Lucky Stars.
‘She’s such a wonderful actress,’ Selby sighed. ‘And she’s soooooooooooo beautiful! Just looking at her makes my little heart go pitter-patter-pitter-pat. And when she speaks she’s so sweet that I just want to faint.’
‘Tell me, Miss Blake —’ the interviewer began.
‘Please call me Bonnie,’ the actress interrupted. ‘I’m no one special. I’m really just a normal, average girl-next-door.’
