by Stan Kirby
Table of Contents
1: Fall Falls on Captain Awesome
2: Soccer Is the Best Season
3: Bend It Like Awesome
4: Soccer Practice Makes Less Than Perfect
5: When Blows the Whistle of Evil
6: Game On!
7: Tiebreakers of Doom
8: Showdown
CHAPTER 1
Fall Falls on
Captain Awesome
By
Eugene
FALL!
Is there a worse name for a season than “fall”? Eugene McGillicudy thought as he walked home from Sunnyview Elementary School where he had just escaped from second grade.
Fall. Who names a season after an accident? Are there other seasons called “trip” or “crash” or “oops”?
NO.
So why name it “fall”? Is it really because the leaves are turning color and falling off the trees and that snow might soon be falling from the sky?
Really?
Whatever the reason, it is certainly better than “autumn.” I’d bet no one even knows what that word means, Eugene thought.
Fall was the most boring, BORING, BO-RING time of year between the start of the school year and winter break—a time when NOTHING happens.
Oh sure, you can say that there’s Halloween, but that’s really only for one day and sometimes it rains. Thanksgiving? What really happens on Thanksgiving besides a lot of eating, falling asleep in front of the television, and having to listen to wrinkly old relatives say, “Oh, my! Look how big so-and-so has gotten!”
So yeah, there’s nothing.
KA-THUNKK!
“OUCH!” cried Eugene, his thoughts now focused on things hitting his head.
I’m under attack! Eugene thought and dove for cover behind a tree. But who could it be?!
KA-THUNKK!
“Ouch!” Something bounced off of his head again.
“Curse you, Captain Ka-Thunk! I know it’s you!” Eugene quickly poked his head out from behind the tree and shouted. “You’ll not ka-thunk the number one fan of Super Dude without a fight!”
What’s that?
You’ve never heard of Super Dude?
Do you live in a crater on the moon? Actually, if you’ve never heard of Super Dude, then you’d have to live in a crater on the dark side of the moon.
Super Dude is only the greatest superhero ever. He is the star of mountains and mountains of comic books, all of which Eugene owned.
Following Super Dude’s example, Eugene created his own outfit and became . . .
CAPTAIN AWESOME!
Along with his best friend, Charlie Thomas Jones (also known as the superhero Nacho Cheese Man), and sidekick, Turbo the Hamster, Eugene formed the Sunnyview Superhero Squad to stop evil from eviling in the town of Sunnyview. Sunnyview had a surprising amount of eviling going on.
KA-THUNKK!
Again.
OUCH!
ACORNS!
If it wasn’t Captain Ka-Thunk or his Thunkulicious Thunkers, it could only mean one thing!
High in the tree, General Squirrel Nuthatch was chittering away in his rodent language while staring angrily at Eugene. He held another Atomic Acorn in his paws.
“So, General Nuthatch, it seems you have escaped from the Nut House for evil rodents!” Eugene called up. “But it was, dare I say, nuts of you to return to Sunnyview to unleash your attack! You and your Atomic Acorns will be a threat to the good people of Sunnyview no longer, for you have ka-thunked the number one Squirrel Stopper in the universe!
“You’ve gotten a little too squirrely for your own good, Nuthatch! There’s gonna be more than leaves falling off trees this autumn!” Captain Awesome cried out in his most awesome superhero voice.
“MI-TEE!” Captain Awesome shouted as he leaped his bravest leap. . . .
CHAPTER 2
Soccer
Is the Best
Season
By
Eugene
KA-THUNKK!
“OUCH!” cried Eugene as something round hit him in the back of the head. Was he under attack? Again?!
Eugene looked around. What he saw was better. Much better.
It was a soccer ball, and it signaled the start of one of the classic four seasons of boyhood. Eugene knew the list by heart:
1. Christmas vacation
2. Spring break
3. Summer vacation
4. Soccer season!
“Sorry, Eugene!” It was Charlie, aka Nacho Cheese Man, the second-greatest fighter of evil in Sunnyview. “I was trying to ‘bend it’ like Sim Simonson, the Arctic Sharks striker, but it was more like my foot ‘flopped it.’”
“Like Phillip?” asked Eugene. He pointed across the school yard where Phillip Dickenson tried to kick a soccer ball. He completely missed and flopped on to his back.
“Exactly!” Charlie said. As Phillip rolled over slowly like a roly-poly bug, Charlie pulled a flyer from his pocket. “Check this out.”
Eugene’s Awesome Vision scanned the piece of paper. It was a sign-up sheet for the Sunnyview Youth Soccer League’s eight-year-old division.
“We’re in!” Eugene said. “Let’s sign up!”
The more Eugene thought about it, the more excited he got. By the time he got home for dinner, he was ready to pop like Colonel Kernel, the human popcorn ball who was defeated by Super Dude in Super Dude No. 14, Super Dude’s Microwave Adventures.
“Let this be a lesson to you, Colonel Kernel,” Super Dude had said, as he tossed the puffy villain in a prison tub. “You’ll never be able to defeat the rays of goodness!”
Eugene ran into the living room. “Mom! Dad! Big news! Like, it’s bigger than the biggest big thing you can think of!”
Eugene closed the front door. “You’re looking at the almost newest member of the Sunnyview Youth Soccer League!”
“That’s a fantastic idea, son,” Eugene’s dad, Ned, said. “Will Charlie be joining you?”
“Dad! Of course!” Eugene said. “I’d never join a team without my best friend.”
With two superheroes on Sunnyview’s team, they would be unstoppable. How long would it take to score a million goals . . . every game? The soccer games would last for days! Or weeks, even!
Eugene imagined the sounds of loud cheering.
CHAPTER 3
Bend It Like
Awesome
By Eugene
FINALLY!
Saturday! The big, big day! The soccer team’s first practice!
BEEP! BEEP!
“Dad!” Eugene gasped. “Wait!” His dad was already in the car, eager to go. “I’m coming!”
Eugene flew down the stairs, tripped over his feet, bounced off the handrail, boomed off the wall, and caught himself by jumping off the third stair and landing on the floor below.
“MI-TEE!” Eugene yelled in his most awesome Captain Awesome voice and pointed at the stairs. “Yes! Stairs of Evil, beware! Captain Awesome shall not be tripped by you on Soccer Day!”
Once in the car, it was just a quick drive down the street to pick up Charlie, who eagerly waited on the sidewalk.
“MI-TEE!” Eugene yelled out the car window.
“Cheesy-yo!” Charlie responded, and hopped in.
“We must be on constant watch for evil,” Eugene said. He scanned the passing houses as the car turned the corner. “Evil could be lurking around any corner, behind any trash can, or inside any building or store. It could be anywhere!”
“Except for Ice Cream Coney’s,” Charlie reminded Eugene. “There’s nothing in there but ice cream and toppings. And those are never, ever evil. Only yummy.”
“Yummy,” both boys said in unison.
�
��I know what you guys need to do!” Mr. McGillicudy blurted out.
Eugene sank a little lower in his seat, filled with the mixture of dread and embarrassment that only a parent could create. His dad was about to . . .
“Sing!” Eugene’s dad continued.
“Sing a song?” Charlie asked, scrunching his nose at the thought.
“Exactly!” Ned said. “A song will pump you guys up for your first soccer practice!”
Mr. McGillicudy turned on the car’s CD player. The car filled with the hideous sounds of HORRIBLE baby music.
“I love this song!” Ned shouted and tapped his fingertips on the steering wheel.
But the stuff coming out of the car speakers was, of course, not really music, but his little sister’s favorite song: the one and only “Monday.”
Eugene and Charlie were hit by every evil word.
“I like Monday, Monday, Monday.
“It’s the best day, best day, best day.
“I’m so happy, happy, happy!
“It’s a Monday, Monday, Monday!”
ARGH!
Eugene and Charlie slapped their hands over their ears!
“Must . . . block out . . . brain-frying . . . sounds!” Eugene groaned.
“Monday, Monday, Monday!”
“Stupid . . . orange Dinosaur Delmer! Gross baby songs . . . crawling into . . . my ears . . . Head will explode like gooey . . . goo!”
Charlie struggled to get the words out before his head exploded like gooey goo.
“I’m so happy, happy, happy!”
“Queen Stinkypants!” Eugene gasped, referring to the secret evil identity of his baby sister, Molly. “She must’ve . . . planned this . . . to melt . . . our brains!”
“So we can’t . . . play . . . soccer!” Charlie continued.
“Goodness and soccer shall never be . . . defeated by dino badness and baby songs,” Eugene replied. “Only one thing . . . to . . . do . . .”
“SUPER SONIC SCREAM!”
both boys shouted at the same time.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Eugene’s dad turned off the CD player. “Boys! What’s wrong?!” he asked urgently.
Eugene and Charlie removed their hands, relieved that the ear-melting sounds of the “Happiest Orange Dinosaur in the Happyzoic Era” had been shattered by their Super Sonic Scream.
“It’s okay now, Dad.” Eugene sighed. “But you have no idea how close you came to having to clean our exploded brains off the ceiling of your car.”
“Exploded and gooey brains!” Charlie added.
Eugene’s dad wasn’t entirely sure what the two boys were talking about, but he had just vacuumed the car last Saturday, so he was more than happy to avoid any messes in the backseat.
Especially gooey exploded-brain messes. Mr. McGillicudy thought he would really need to scrub to get that stuff out.
CHAPTER 4
Soccer Practice
Makes Less
Than Perfect
By Eugene
“Go!”
Charlie and Eugene zoomed from the car the moment Eugene’s dad turned off the engine at Sunnyview Park.
“Boys! Wait for—” But before Eugene’s dad could finish his sentence, he was alone in the car. “—me.”
“Over there!” Eugene cried, seeing some friends from Sunnyview Elementary. Evan Mason, Mike Flinch, and Bernie Melnick were already kicking soccer balls and knee juggling.
Eugene charged to the nearest ball. With the explosive shout of “MI-TEE!” he kicked it as hard as he could. The ball zoomed over the grass and came to a stop next to the largest, pinkest blob of cotton candy Eugene had ever seen.
And then the blob moved! It kicked the ball!
Wait a second . . . , Eugene thought as the Annoying Little Girl Siren in his head grew louder. That’s no cotton-candy blob! Arrrgh! It’s . . .
“Well, if it isn’t Stinkgene and Charleach!” Meredith Mooney yelled out. She was dressed from head-to-toe in pink, as usual, and smelled like a strawberry bathroom air freshener. “Here to impress us all with your soccer skills?”
“Shouldn’t you be looking for the all-girls’ cootie team, Meredith?” Eugene teased, wondering where Meredith managed to buy pink soccer shoes.
“Ha! Shows what you know, Eugerm,” Meredith replied. “This is coed soccer. That means it’s for boys and girls. You’re on my team.” Meredith laughed the kind of laugh that made the hair on the back of Eugene’s neck stand up like the bristles of a toothbrush.
Eugene started to laugh too. But then he realized no one else was laughing. In fact, Charlie was biting his lower lip and had a look on his face that made Eugene think he had to go to the bathroom, bad. Like really, really bad.
But Charlie didn’t need a bathroom break. He needed a Meredith break.
“Girls?!” Charlie gasped when Marlo Craven and Sally Williams joined Meredith. “No one said there’d be girls on the team!”
“This is just a cootie festival disguised as a soccer practice,” Eugene said, equally stunned. There was one person who could clear this up right away. “Where’s our coach? Does he know there are girls on our team?”
BREET-TWEET-TWEET!
“Surprise!” said Eugene’s dad. He ran onto the soccer field wearing a whistle and carrying a big net full of soccer balls.
SHOCK AND HORROR!
“DAD?! You’re the coach?! Wait. Did you know there were girls on the team?!” Eugene asked.
“Yeah! A coed team! Isn’t it great?” Coach McGillicudy replied and dropped the soccer balls on the grass.
But this was not the worst thing that could happen. That would be a rocket ship from Dinosaurus X9 that brought the evil Super Pteranodonald to crush cars and eat Sunnyview.
Although, compared to the thought of playing soccer with Meredith, the pink cotton-candy blob, a superalien dinosaur attack didn’t seem like such a bad thing after all.
“We have a lot of practicing to do,” Coach McGillicudy said. “Our first big game is next week against the Westville Kickers.”
“They’re the best team in the league!” Mike Flinch whispered to the others.
“Yeah! I hear they’ve never been beaten. By anyone. EVER,” Sally added.
“Now, before we get started,” Coach McGillicudy started. “I’ve got a little surprise that I think will get everyone pumped up.”
PUMPED UP?
Dread and embarrassment Part Two!
Not another orange dinosaur song! Eugene dove on the bag of soccer balls, looking for his dad’s MP3 player, so he could rip out the battery pack and hide it forever.
Coach McGillicudy continued as if Eugene’s behavior was the most normal thing in the world. And for Eugene, it was.
“I’ve got uniforms!” Coach McGillicudy proudly announced.
Coach McGillicudy opened a big box and pulled out a stack of bright red shirts. Team jerseys! Names and numbers were on the back. On the front was the team’s name: Sunnyview Megabytes.
“Nice, huh?” Coach McGillicudy said. “The Sunnyview Megabytes! I thought of it myself!”
“What’s a megabyte?” Charlie asked Eugene. “Is it evil? I can’t play on an evil soccer team.”
“Don’t worry,” Eugene replied. “It’s some computer word my dad likes to say. A lot.”
After they put on their new shirts, Coach McGillicudy ran the team through some soccer drills.
First was dribbling the ball. Eugene tripped over his ball and fell to the ground.
Then there was kicking the ball. Eugene tripped over his ball and fell to the ground.
And finally there was blocking the ball. The ball smacked Eugene in the chest.
And then Eugene tripped over the ball and fell to the ground.
“Okay! Let’s start with some passing exercises!” Coach McGillicudy announced. “Everyone split into groups of two!”
Meredith’s hand shot up quickly. “I’ll pass with Charlie,”
she declared.
Charlie stiffened and his face scrunched up like he had to go to the bathroom again. He followed Meredith away from the group and looked back briefly to mouth the words HELP ME! to Eugene.
Meredith—who was secretly Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man’s archrival, Little Miss Stinky Pinky—was obviously up to no good. She was trying to keep the Sunnyview Superhero Squad separated so they wouldn’t score their million goals!
Typical villain, thought Eugene. But enough is enough! Little Miss Stinky Pinky did not reckon with the soccer-powered goodness of Captain Awesome. He would never let Nacho Cheese Man be led to his soccer-kicking defeat.
“Game on!” Captain Awesome shouted as he set to work to save Nacho Cheese Man! “Neither Stinky Pinky, nor cotton-candy blobs, nor the threat of grass stains shall stop me from scoring this goooooaaaaal for goodness!”
CHAPTER 5
When Blows the
Whistle of Evil
By Eugene
SIGH.
The ride home seemed much longer than the ride to the park. Like a billion, jillion years longer. Eugene’s excitement was gone, replaced by a dull disappointment in his big soccer debut. How could he score his million goals if the ball kept sneaking under his feet and tripping him?
“If only I was wearing my cape.” Eugene sighed to himself. He always thought better thoughts in a cape.
