by Sumida, Amy
I was already upset about Blue when I discovered that Anubis’ werejackals could rise from death shortly after they were killed. Not only that, Anubis could basically turn anyone he or they killed into a zombie. The more he and his jackals brought down, the more forces his side would gain. I concluded that the only way to defeat them was to kill Anubis, and I’d immediately gone after him. Cut off the head has pretty much been my motto from day one. So yes, I guess I did attack him first but technically his jackals had already been attacking me.
“It’s all relative,” I shook my head. “I was defending Odin, you were attacking us, but I made the first move against you. So what? War is war. Get over yourself.”
See, now that is exactly why I have to make you suffer.
“Go fuck yourself, dog breath,” so it wasn’t the most adult response but so what, I was pissed and frustrated. The man was irksome. He irked me.
From what I’ve found in your mind, his laugh was sinful, you like to play with us dogs.
Chapter Ten
“You’re not coming?” I looked at Trevor with open astonishment. “You said you wanted to accompany me when I went to visit them,” I took the teacup he was offering me, welcoming the scent of Chai even in my bafflement. “That was the deal. I get to visit with Odin, Vali, and Vidar as long as you chaperoned.”
“Relax, Minn Elska,” he laughed softly as he took the chair across from mine at the mammoth table in the palace’s dining room. “I have to go into the club today. You can take Kirill with you. I may not trust Odin but I do trust Kirill.”
“Oh,” I looked over at my lion, who was busy scarfing down an omelet.
Kirill raised his head and gave me a quick smile. I knew that smile and I knew what it meant. Kirill loved hanging out with Vali and Vidar, and he knew I never got to spend a moment alone with Odin. He was going to take off with my sons as soon as we got there. A thrill shot through my stomach and I quickly squashed it down, feeling like a cheating you-know-what.
You’re attracted to Odin, the voice came so smoothly in my head, I didn’t even realize it was Anubis at first.
“What?” I looked first at Trevor, then at Kirill, in horror.
“We didn’t say anything,” Trevor eyed me with a little concerned frown.
“Oh, sorry,” I rubbed at my head as it filled with bemused laughter. “I must be tired. Taking sleeping pills every night is probably having an effect. I’m going to go get dressed.”
I left the table, cup in hand, and headed down the hall to my suite. When the door was closed behind me, I leaned back against it and squared my shoulders.
“Alright, you bastard, come out and face me,” I surveyed the room calmly. “I know you want to.”
I was tired of waiting, wondering when Anubis would actually make an appearance rather than just speaking in my head. It had been two weeks since the shower incident and he’d revealed himself to be quite a prankster. He loved making little comments to me constantly. It was getting to the point where I was used to him being there, questioning my every motive I had with scientific dedication, as if my life was one big petri dish.
But what he really enjoyed doing was actually making an appearance, showing up in phantom form where only I could see or touch him. It was getting old, especially since he always chose the worst possible moments to show up. I was scared every time I made love to Trevor that we’d have a peeping Tom.
Tell me more about this infatuation you have for the Allfather, Anubis stepped around the side of my new king size bed and took a seat at the foot of it. I'd gotten rid of the original because I couldn't stomach the thought of sleeping in the same bed Kirill was raped in. The new bed was on a raised, two-stepped dais, made of deep red mahogany. It was covered in jewel toned bedding and looked a little out of place in the bamboo bedroom. But not as out of place as Anubis did.
“It’s not an infatuation and it’s not any of your business,” I put my tea down and started to rummage through my clothes, trying to deny the thrill seeing him gave me.
My attraction to the Death God was insane and had been growing in direct proportion to the chill spreading out from his mark on my shoulder. I assumed it was part of his stupid soul magic, at least I hoped it was, because being attracted to Anubis was on the top of my To Don't list.
I couldn’t seem to help it though. I actually looked forward to talking with him, debating issues most men would never bring up with me, and experiencing life with another in the most intimate way. It was an invasion but I was slowly becoming addicted to it, and if I was completely honest with myself, I’d admit that I looked forward to his visits as well. I needed some serious help on so many levels.
If only I knew a god of psychiatry.
If not infatuation, then what? He completely ignored my other assertion. I can’t see that part of you. It’s like you’ve completely walled off thoughts of him. Why would you do that?
I swallowed hard, unconsciously crushing the delicate silk dress I was holding. Anubis’ hands were suddenly on mine, smoothing out my grip before traveling to my shoulders and rubbing away at my tension. When had things changed between us? When had he become less of an enemy and more of a… no, I wasn’t going there again. The last time I believed I could change a god, it had ended terribly. I pulled away from Anubis and went into the bathroom to enact a change I could actually manage... my clothes.
Surprisingly, he waited in the bedroom until I came out, sitting calmly on the bed again. I shot him a glance before going back to my closet(another new addition, Nyarivezi only had a rack) to pick out some shoes. I was reaching for a pair of red Louis Vuittons to match my dress, when he spoke again.
You haven’t answered me. Why have you hid your feelings for Odin?
“If I tell you, will you promise to leave me alone during my visit with him?” I turned around to face him, the Egyptian God of the Dead sitting casually on my bed. How surreal was that?
I promise I won’t show myself, he looked me up and down, his gaze lingering in places that instantly tightened in response. Oh, this was so not good.
I exhaled a shaky breath and decided it was probably the best I was going to get. I reclaimed my discarded tea and leaned against my dresser to face him. This was going to be rough. I hated talking about my past with Odin. There were so many issues there that I wasn't surprised I had mentally walled them away.
“Odin and I were married in a previous life,” I watched Anubis' detached expression turn interested. “He wanted me to become immortal but I refused. I didn’t think it was wise to live forever. So I died and he lived on without me, mourning me with our children. Then he decided that he'd had enough. He bartered away his eye for the knowledge to bring me back.”
I couldn't believe I was telling this to Anubis. I hadn't even told Trevor about the eye thing. Probably because it would bring up even more problems for us.
“Unfortunately, he didn't expect an additional price for my rebirth. When he placed my soul into the womb of my new mother, he instantly lost her. He'd given up on ever finding me again, when Thor brought me into his hall. It was too late though, I was on another path. I have a new life but I still carry these memories of Odin. The more time I spend with him, the more I remember, and I’ve had to learn how to live with a lifetime of love that must remain in the past. I guess I quarantined my feelings for him as a way of dealing with the situation.”
Why? So simple. He did that a lot, oversimplified things.
“Trevor,” I could play that game too.
You love the wolf more?
“I love the wolf now,” I took a sip of my tea, feeling its warmth drive back Anubis’ cold for just a second. “My life with Odin is buried in a cave in France. I’ve lived it already and I refuse to give this one up just to go back to it. I don't like going backwards.”
Why give either of them up? He smiled sensuously. The wolf is bound to you, he’ll adjust to anything to keep you, and the Viking is desperate to have you back. You could have both of th
em.
“At what cost?” I shook my head, unsure whether he was testing me, as he often enjoyed doing. “I’d destroy them both and have nothing. I’ve made my decision and it’s Trevor.”
You don’t give them enough credit, his face softened. If they both love you so much, they’d want your happiness.
“I am happy,” I shrugged. “I get to spend time with Odin and I get to live with Trevor.”
But you’ll never feel the Viking’s hands on you again, colors started swirling over the dark surface of his eyes. Can you honestly say you don’t regret that?
“Sex isn’t everything,” I pushed away the images of making love to Odin, the memory of his magic touching me everywhere as his body filled me. Sex with Odin was like nothing I’d ever known, no one could do what he did. Though bonded werewolf lovin' wasn't anything to sneeze at either.
Physical pleasure is a big part of happiness, he watched me carefully. Denying it will only leave you cold… as does denying me.
I shivered, knowing the cold was almost complete, the only warmth left was a small space around my heart.
No matter, he waved his hand and stood up. The love you feel for these men will soon fade. I was only curious.
Before I could say anything, he disappeared.
Chapter Eleven
“Mother,” Vidar met me and Kirill at Valaskjálf’s tracing room.
I preferred to visit Odin’s silver hall instead of Valhalla, where all the dead Vikings roamed. Valaskjálf was where we’d lived when we were married and he’d kept our room the same as it had been then. It was a comfortable place for me.
“Vidar,” I hugged my son, stroking back his long black hair and smiling up into his sapphire eyes, careful to keep from touching any skin. I didn’t want him worried about the cold. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” he guided us into the hall after a quick smile at Kirill. Funny how similar their colorings were. They looked nothing alike of course, beyond the long black hair and blue eyes, but it was interesting.
Odin was sitting before the massive fireplace on the right. The fire was the only light in the large room and the hall had no windows, so the silver walls weren’t as bright as they could have been but they were still beautiful, and so was Odin when he stood to greet us, backlit by them.
“Vervain… Kirill,” he looked around us, his warm smile turning to confusion. “Where’s Trevor?”
“He had some business at the club,” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “He said Kirill would be enough of a chaperone.”
“I was thinking about going hunting,” Vidar cut into the silence that followed my statement. “Vali is already in the forest.”
“Your forest makes for better sport zan grassland,” Kirill said his line right on cue. “Vould you mind company?”
“I insist,” Vidar waved Kirill ahead of him, toward the front door. “We’ll probably be a few hours. Could you entertain Mom till dinner, Dad?”
Odin nodded numbly, never taking his eye off me. I pulled my gaze from his for a second, to watch my son and my lion leave the hall and head to the forest. My heart was pounding in my ears, so loud that I didn't hear Odin approach. He was just suddenly there.
“Would you like some mead?” He looked nervous, as nervous as I felt.
It was the first time we’d been alone since the day I'd told him we were over. I told him that unless something happened to change my relationship with Trevor, we could never be together again. Then I'd gone home to find Trevor missing, stolen by Odin's son Balder as a bargaining chip to get to me. Balder was now dead and Trevor and I were still going strong. I had no idea how Odin felt about it all.
“I’d love some,” I finally answered.
He nodded and I followed him back to the fur draped chairs near the fire. The Viking territory of the God Realm was always a at a brisk temperature so there was usually a fire going and mead warming. Odin took a mug off a side table and filled it from the pot over the fire. The rich smell of cinnamon, apples, and honey wafted over to me as he returned.
“Would you like to sit here or we could…”
“Here’s fine,” I took the proffered mug and quickly chose a seat, pulling the furs around me.
“Vervain,” oh shit, he looked hurt. “You know you’re safe with me.”
“Of course I do,” I took a sip of the mead, sighing as it warmed me for one blessed moment. “And you know I’m not afraid of you… not exactly.”
“We have to do something about this,” instead of returning to his seat, he crouched down in front of mine. “We won’t have much time alone but I’d like to make use of what we do have.”
I told you so, a smooth voice sang in my head. I pushed it away.
“Odin,” I took a tremulous breath and put down the mug. “You know I won't betray Trevor.”
“I’m not asking you too,” he brushed my hair back gently, frowning a little but making no comment on the chill of my skin. “I just want to hold you, touch you, maybe we can find a way to ease this ache we both feel, without betraying your wolf.” He stood up and held out a hand. “Will you give it a try?”
I looked at his large hand and the slippery slope it represented. It wasn’t a good idea. Things could get carried away way too quickly but I wanted it so bad, wanted him to just hold me, maybe kiss me. Was that so wrong? Yes. I thought of Trevor holding another woman, kissing her, and my throat constricted.
“I promise to just hold you. People get as much contact from dancing. There’s nothing shameful or deceitful about it.” His one eye shivered with iridescent colors, first blue, then purple, and then green. So beautiful, it made me wish he’d never given up his other eye. But then I wouldn't be there to enjoy them, would I? If it wasn't for Odin's sacrifice, I wouldn't be there and Trevor wouldn't have me either. Was getting to hold me really too much to ask? I took Odin's hand, still enthralled by his beautiful eye, and he swung me off my feet and into his arms.
Before I knew what was happening, we were in our old room, the familiarity of ancient books, tree top views, and a raging sunken fire, all shouting home to me. I sighed as he laid me out on the massive bed, a room in itself really, with steps leading up to it, massive posters holding thick drapes, and a built in dresser at the foot. My body sunk back into the furs and he quickly covered it with his. His scent filled my head, wild and fresh, like standing on a cliff.
“Odin,” I had a moment of panic when I felt him pressing intimately against me.
“I won’t do anything you don’t want me to,” he kissed my forehead and rolled to the side, bringing me with him and tucking my body in against his. He sighed then, a sound of complete satisfaction, of relief.
I felt his hand skim over my arm, pushing up my sleeve so he could feel more flesh. He suddenly sucked in his breath and sat up, pulling me with him. I looked at him with wide eyes, knowing exactly what was wrong.
“I thought maybe you were chilled from our cool weather here,” he looked at me intently. “But you’re cold everywhere, Vervain. Has the mark spread so far?”
“Yes,” it was a whisper, a breath of sound, but it conveyed my fear to him easily and completely.
“No,” he pulled me in tight against him. “I won’t lose you again, not to death. I paid the price for you to live. I paid it twice. He can’t have you.”
I already do, taunted the voice inside me.
“I’ve searched my spell books,” I said into his chest. “I can’t find anything to stop it.”
“Vervain,” he moaned and pulled me back down again.
He wrapped us in the thick pelts that covered the bed, rubbing my arms fiercely to try and battle the cold. Then his hands were everywhere, briskly and desperately warming me. With an anguished cry, he tore off his tunic and yanked my dress off me, so he could press his flesh to mine and surround me with his heat.
“Odin,” I stroked his long brown hair, admiring the golden highlights, “my sweet raven.” He looked up at that, meeting my resi
gned gaze with his hopeful one. “You can’t fight this. All we can do is wait and see.”
“No,” he moaned, burying his face in my hair and holding my cold flesh defiantly.
He suddenly shot out of the bed and ran over to the wall of shelves filled with ancient spell books. He pulled down a stack and sat on the floor, flipping through their pages like a madman. I snuggled deeper into the furs and watched him as the cold crept up and began to cover my heart.
An hour later, I was completely numb and Odin was surrounded by his entire collection of books. He looked up after closing the last of them and met my eyes. His face was etched with despair and there was a small flicker of pain within me in answer to it, but then it was absorbed, iced over, and I felt nothing.
He stood up and came back to bed, sliding under the covers and pulling me close. I went into his arms without comment, all my emotions were gone, including any guilt I might have felt for allowing Odin to touch me. Horus had been right, Anubis had taken my soul. I could feel its absence like a hollowness throughout my entire body and then something else occurred to me.
I looked and looked, closing my eyes and searching every dark corner of myself but she was nowhere to be found. I saw my lioness, my wolf, my butterflies and my other magic but they were skittish, snapping at each other and even staring at me with suspicion, and I knew why. My Nahual was gone.
My beautiful white jaguar, the magic that was me, my animal twin, had been taken. I'd always known she was me, the epitome of my magic as a human, but I hadn't realized that she represented far more than that, that my human magic wasn't just magic, it was my soul. And now it belonged to Death.
I should have been scared. I should have been frantic, wondering how my other magic would behave without her controlling presence. I should have been terrified that I was no longer whole, no longer had control over myself, no longer was myself. But I felt nothing.
