Defended & Desired

by Kristi Avalon

  Allison clinked a spoon against her glass of soda water to make an announcement. In the pool, Trey paused in his game of tossing Sammy back and forth between him and Logan. Allison smiled. “This event is to celebrate my amazing husband, Logan. It’s his thirty-fifth birthday. Congrats, honey.”

  Cheers rose up among the guests. Trey exited the pool, toweling off as he came to stand beside Devon.

  “I also want to share some exciting news,” Allison said. “Logan and I are pregnant with baby number two.”

  Shouts and congratulations echoed through the crowd. Devon laughed with genuine happiness for her friend, and when Trey’s hand cupped her shoulder, she pressed her fingers over his.

  He kissed her temple and murmured, “Someday, that’ll be us.”

  Stunned by his statement, it took a moment to register that he’d just said he wanted her to be the mother of his children. At first a primal thrill rose up inside her, but then a horrible sinking sensation gripped her heart and her knees threatened to give out.

  Trey wandered over to Sammy and sank to his haunches so the small child could grasp his fingers. He looked over at her and winked, his smile filled with certainty.

  A random dream floated through her consciousness. My God, we would have beautiful dark-haired, dark-eyed babies.

  Struggle and fear sank into her with ruthless claws. Reality smacked her with such force it knocked the breath from her lungs, and she gasped. Everything inside her ached with a wish that had been slashed apart, and she felt as if her organs were shutting down one by one.

  Moving blindly, she fled the pool area, darting into the house. She locked herself in the bathroom and gripped the sink, wondering if she’d throw up or pass out. Either one would spare her from the agonizingly honest discussion she had to face.

  Children would never be possible.

  The emptiness in her womb throbbed and expanded like an invisible tumor threatening her life and her dreams. Of course she’d wanted family, love, acceptance, but life had dealt her a different set of cards. She’d accepted that, damn it. Until Trey.

  “Babe, are you okay?” he asked, concern heavy in his tone.

  No, she wasn’t okay. She desperately wanted something with him that she couldn’t have.

  Separation. That’s where this was leading. God, why had she ignored the truth this long? Deluding herself into imagining her future could be different than what it was?

  Something she’d learned in ROTC came back to serve her well. She inhaled on the count of four, held her breath for four beats, then exhaled on the count of four.

  “Honey, you’re scaring me,” he said beyond the door. “Please, answer me.”

  Four counts in. Four counts hold. Four counts out.

  Finally, she found the courage to unlock the door and twist the knob. Trey rushed in. “Hey.” He hugged her tight against him, and she almost lost herself in the sensation of being cared for completely. “I know you’ve been through a lot the past few weeks.” His arms tightened around her, so compelling, so secure. “Just let me be here for you.”

  A knife twisted in her gut while he held her against his warm bare chest. A shelter against all storms. “I need to go,” she whispered. “Now.”

  “Sure, yeah. We can do that.” Trey went to retrieve their suitcases, stashed in Logan and Allison’s spare bedroom where they’d planned to spend the night. Even the best laid plans went up in flames. Like her future with him.

  By the time he guided her out the door, he’d donned jeans and a t-shirt. He loaded their suitcases into his trunk and they left without a word to anyone. Undoubtedly, their quick quiet exit would draw attention soon, but the sickness in her soul left little room to care what anyone thought.

  Rolling back the top of his convertible, Trey reaffirmed his grip on the steering wheel. “What’s going on?”

  Making a fist, she held her hand against the center of her chest. It was time to come clean with the truth. “Trey, I was offered a job opportunity in Phoenix, and I want to take it.”

  At first, his forehead smoothed with a blank expression. Then deep grooves formed between his eyebrows. “When did this come up?”

  “Last month. I was contacted by a company that programs gaming software, like the war we waged against the zombies at the arcade. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of doing.”

  Tension rippled along the muscles of his forearms. “Are you moving?”

  “After I fly down for my second interview and sign the offer, yes.”

  A vein throbbed in his temple. “So that’s it? I don’t even get a vote? Or have the past two weeks meant nothing to you?”

  They’ve meant everything to me. You mean everything to me. “This is my decision. It’s done.”

  “Like hell it’s done.” When she dared a glance at him, a muscle worked furiously in his jaw.

  “This is something I need to do for my career, for my future.” Why did those words coil like barbed wire in her soul?

  “I guess I’m not in that picture.” His jaw hardened to the point she thought he might crack a molar. “You know what I have to say to that? Bullshit. A damn job didn’t make you run from the pool like you were scared to death. At least respect me enough to give me an honest answer.”

  Pain and hostility jolted her like a live current. “Fine. You want the truth? I can’t have kids. We will never be Allison and Logan ‘someday.’ I’ll never be pregnant or have your babies.”

  Instantly, he downshifted, and they came to a stop at a red light. “What?”

  The sincere struggle toward comprehension played out on his features, making her heart twist again. “You have an amazing family, Trey. Something I’ve never had and always envied. You have people who are there for you no matter what. I can’t give that to you.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay,” she said with a snarky undertone. “I get that a lot.”

  “Devon—”

  Her lungs shuddered as she fought to breathe without bursting into tears. “You shouldn’t have to choose between me and your desire for children. So I’m leaving.”

  The silence between them rivaled the hollow expanse of her favorite sci-fi novelists’ descriptions of the post-apocalypse. Putrid. Aching. Empty. Devastated. Haunted.

  “I had no idea.” He extended his hand, palm up, waiting for her response.

  Instead of taking it, she folded her arms over her heart. “Please drop me off at the hotel.”

  As he pulled into the parking lot, his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. “We need to talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing to say. It’s over. All we can do is move on.”

  “I don’t want to move on.” He choked and cleared his throat. “I can’t.”

  “Let it sink in. You’ll see I’m right.”

  “Don’t do this Devon. Don’t shut me out.”

  Silent, she steeled herself until he shifted the gearstick into park in front of the entrance. Then she climbed out, shut the door and didn’t look back. She couldn’t, or she might turn around and rush back into his arms, into his life. But that wasn’t fair to either of them.

  God, so much had changed since her first night here, she thought, as she locked herself in her room, dropped her purse and dove onto the bed where Trey had made love to her. She grabbed a pillow and let her tears run free.

  She’d just given up her best chance at belonging she’d ever had.

  Sobbing into her pillow, she mourned for the babies she might’ve had. For the dreams of a family she wanted but would never know.

  She mourned for her future…without Trey.

  Chapter 10

  Trey avoided Devon’s floor Monday morning. Whenever he took the elevator and the fourth floor button lit up, his gut churned and the tingle at the base of his scalp stung like a slap. His whole body ached as if he’d come out on the losing end of a bar brawl. He hadn’t even felt this shitty after he called off his weddi
ng and his relationship with Jenna, and she’d hooked up with that guy in rehab.

  Apparently, he sucked at reading the female psyche. Devon had seemed so into their relationship, into him. He’d believed she would be a permanent part of his life, for better or worse, forever. And when the hell had she planned to drop the ticking bomb that she intended to leave? When he got down on one knee with a ring?

  The profound loneliness echoed in his soul. He wasn’t a religious guy, but the past twenty four hours had proven purgatory existed. His world had shattered, his future a collection of broken pieces that no longer fit together.

  The dreams inspired by Devon now mocked him. Anger and resentment followed tides of longing that scorched his veins. Because all he wanted was to hold her tight and tell her they’d find a way to work this out.

  Then he laughed bitterly. She didn’t want to work things out, she was leaving for a life that didn’t include him—had never included him, apparently. And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

  That helpless sensation tore through his chest throughout the morning. By noon, it hurt to breathe.

  Hollow inside, he went through the motions of his workday, sitting in meetings, listening to people whose lives were going on as usual, even while his was falling apart. He wanted to stand up and shout his frustration and punch the wall. He wanted to demand an explanation why the love of his life couldn’t be his wife, and the children he desperately wanted with her would never exist.

  The failure hounded him like a cruel nightmare that refused to end, and sharp knives of regret shredded his insides, tearing him apart. Useless and wrecked, he canceled his three o’clock meeting and paced his office. All he could think about was looking into her eyes, touching her, making love to her.

  Damn, he needed to see her. He needed a sign, some indication that his suffering wasn’t one sided.

  The people he passed on the way to her office moved in a continuous blur until he stood outside her door. Sucking in a painful breath, he turned the handle and walked in.

  Devon stiffened and sprang to her feet. When her eyes met his, they lacked their usual gleam. Dark, puffy circles ringed her gaze. She looked pale, sad and lost. He hated seeing her like this, but at least her suffering gave him an edge of hope. That this possibly hurt her as much as him.

  “We need to talk,” he said, closing the door. He approached her desk.

  She took a step back, her shoulders tightening as she folded her arms across her waist. “I know.”

  “You didn’t answer my calls yesterday.”

  “I didn’t know what else to say.”

  He clenched his jaw. “I also noticed all the hotel charges were put back on my credit card. You can’t afford that expense.”

  She shrugged. “It didn’t seem right to take your money.”

  The money didn’t matter to him, she did. And no amount of money could change whether she left or stayed. “I don’t regret the past two weeks,” he said, striving to keep his tone level. “Even if I’d known how this would end up, I would’ve done everything the same. I want you safe. That will never change.”

  With a tight swallow, she nodded. “You’re such a good man, Trey.”

  “Not good enough,” he shot back. “Or you wouldn’t be halfway out the door.”

  Lashes glistening, she stared down at her desk. “You hate me, and I don’t blame you. I should’ve told you about my plans—”

  “Yeah, you should have.” He tamped down a surge of anger. “But I don’t hate you, Devon. I can’t.” Because I love you. “Because if there’s any chance you’ll change your mind, I still want you in my life.”

  Torment and a wishful glimmer swirled in her eyes when she looked up at him. “You aren’t the reason I considered leaving. This career opportunity offered me the job of my dreams, a chance I’d been looking for long before we got involved. I thought if we just enjoyed each other for little while before I left, I could stay detached. Then you swept me off my feet. Made me rethink everything. You gave me a reason to stay, and suddenly what had seemed so clear two weeks ago stopped making sense.”

  Hope surged in his chest. Until remorse settled on her face.

  “But I knew from the start we couldn’t be together. Family is everything to you. The addition you’re putting on your house has six bedrooms that I can’t help you fill. No matter how much I wish I could.”

  His throat tightened. Why couldn’t she see how much he needed her? “That’s not a deal-breaker for me, Devon.”

  “It will be. Eventually.” The anguish in her eyes slashed his heart. “Maybe not now, or next month, or next year. But if we stayed together, there would come a time when you want what I can never give you. You’re meant to be a family man. You deserve so much, everything you’ve always wanted.”

  He wished he could deny the threads of truth in her statement.

  “We want different things, we have different passions. I need to follow mine as much as you need to follow yours.” Dampness seeped to the outer corners of her eyes, and she shook her head. “I don’t see how we’d ever make it work and find the happiness we both deserve.”

  Why did she have to be so damn logical? He didn’t care that she might be right. Those facts were cold comfort, when all he wanted was to wake up next to her warm, beautiful presence every morning for the rest of his life. “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I don’t want to go, either, but I have to. I may never have this chance again. My work is my life, my devotion. Family is yours.”

  “So you won’t consider any other option.” There had be other options, right? “Adoption or foster kids or—”

  “Trey, stop. Please.” Her fingers trembled as she wiped a tear from her cheek. He wanted to wrap her in his arms even though her words crushed him. “I’ve accepted my reality. I have my work, and that’s all I’ve ever needed.”

  Then she didn’t want kids. At all. Ever. And he couldn’t let go of the instinctive, powerful desire to hear a baby crying in the middle of the night. Or little bare feet padding across his floors. Or the creak of a swing set in the backyard. Or the soft murmurs of his wife reading bedtime stories. Or laughter during family vacations.

  The fatigue of loss crept into his bones and left his heart hanging like dead weight in his chest. He was in love with a woman he couldn’t have and wanted dreams with her that would never come true.

  His tongue felt thick in his mouth, and he couldn’t form words. He stood frozen as she moved around her desk and walked up to him, holding out her hand.

  Cupped in her palm lay the sparkling necklace he’d given her on the night of their official first date. “You should take this back.”

  Anger exploded like fireworks behind his eyes. “Don’t insult me,” he snarled.

  “But I can’t accept—”

  “It was a gift.” His words cut her off sharply. “What would I do with it? Give it to my next girlfriend so every time she wears it, I think of you?”

  She flinched.

  His heart hammered against his ribs and he couldn’t stand to be in this room another second, miserable and pissed off and missing the hell out of her even though she was right in front of him. “Good luck,” he bit out. “I hope your new job keeps you warm at night.”

  Slamming the door on his way out, he knew he’d been an asshole just now, his bitter words unnecessary. But he’d surpassed the tolerable limit of agony, and he didn’t want her to see that she’d nearly brought him to his knees.

  When he returned to his office, he snapped off his monitor and left. He didn’t even bother canceling his last meeting of the day.

  Screw work.

  He craved a physical outlet for his pent-up frustration before he imploded. And he knew exactly where to go and who he needed to accomplish that.

  *

  When Devon left the Realtor’s office that night, she should’ve been pleased. According to the initial numbers, she stood to make a nice profit on the sale of her townhouse. In
stead, the only pleasure she wanted was to lie in Trey’s arms, lost in sensation and passion as he made love to her.

  But that would never happen again.

  Sick inside, missing him terribly, she picked up Peanut from doggie daycare and headed to her house that would be on the market soon. Even though she hadn’t officially signed an agreement with the Realtor yet.

  Something had stopped her. A nagging, insistent pull in her gut that she shouldn’t close the door on her life in Denver. Not yet. Despite the fact that she’d agreed to an interview with the CEO of Developer’s Muse tomorrow night, and that she believed they’d hire her as a contractor.

  Was her career really more important than the chance to love someone, and be loved, for a lifetime?

  Trey’s last words rang in her ears and coiled in her chest. I hope your job keeps you warm at night. She’d waited her whole life to find a job opportunity this inspiring, but he’d made her feel shallow, heartless and self-absorbed.

  He didn’t understand how hard it had been, how many years it had taken, for her to finally accept her fate and look to work as her source of lasting fulfillment.

  Rejecting the possibility, she’d taken motherhood off the table. Too afraid to fall in love with another man who’d change his mind and find someone else to give him a family.

  Because of the heartache and then her determination to succeed in other areas of her life, she’d never given a thought to adoption. Especially since her mother had endured the struggles of raising a child alone. She’d never considered that a man would support her and stay with her, even though she couldn’t give him babies.

  Trying to imagine her future with children seemed so foreign.

  Would she even be good at being a mom?

  The thought was overwhelming. But deep down, a spark of interest lit a candle of hope. A faint light of possibility in the darkness of doubt.

  *

  Rain hadn’t been in the weather forecast.

  Trey paused to stare up at the gray clouds through the hole in his roof, while droplets splashed his face. The moisture mingled with the sweat, trickling down his forehead, stinging his eyes.