by Marian Tee
When Marcus reached her bedside, she asked coldly, “Is this the part where you’d say you forgive me?”
“No---”
“Good,” Raquel snapped, “because I wasn’t going to ask one.”
“As you shouldn’t,” Marcus returned steadily, “because there is nothing to forgive. None of it was your fault.” He inhaled heavily, saying, “I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize this. I’m sorry---”
No.
Something inside of Raquel started to break, a brittle layer that had built over the years, toughening her up to allow her to survive – but at the cost of what?
No.
Something inside of her struggled to be free, a love that she had buried and thought long gone – but did she still deserve to feel such a thing now?
No.
Damn him. Damn him. She didn’t want this. Why couldn’t Marcus leave things well enough alone? Why did he insist on talking of things that everyone knew was black and white?
His father was dirty. She was dirty. He was dirty.
Why couldn’t he just fucking accept that?
Fury like no other started to fill Raquel, and she gathered all her strength to force herself up.
“Let me help you.”
Marcus’ offer came at no surprise. Her son had always been a helpful little boy, and she had been expecting it. She let him help her sit up, and when he pulled away, that was when she struck him hard on the face, enough to have his head snap to the side.
“Don’t ever come here again.”
She watched him straighten, and when he turned to look at her again there was so much pain in her son’s eyes---
Something inside her started to shrivel, but she told herself this was for the better. This was normal. This was how it should be, between people like them.
“I never want to see you. Do you hear me? All this talk of emotional shit isn’t for me. It never was, so stop fooling yourself. I’m not the kind of mother you want me to be. And you’ll never be the man you’re pretending you could be.” Raquel hit the Emergency button behind her. “Now get out! Leave! Out!” And even as the nurses filed in, she didn’t stop screaming the words. “Out! Out! Out!”
Marcus walked away.
And for one moment he felt alone---
It was almost like that night he had been a boy, locking himself in his room, unable to fathom how his world could turn from beautiful into sickeningly terrifying in a blink of an eye.
His mother’s words echoed in his brain---
You’ll never be the man you’re pretending you could be.
Pain threatened to rip him apart, but Marcus forced himself to hold on to the only lifeline left to him.
Anneke.
Even if his own mother didn’t want him---
Even if no one else wanted to him---
He had to believe that he wasn’t alone because he had Anneke.
Chapter Eight
It was on Anneke’s third day in Bruin Hemel when the butler informed her that a car was coming up the driveway. She wondered numbly how he knew where to find her, and decided a moment later it didn’t matter. They had to talk sooner or later, and now was a good time as any.
All sorts of emotions struck Marcus as the butler allowed him entry. There were memories everywhere he looked, and nowhere more so when he finally made it to the room where he first met her when she was nineteen, dressed in her PJs, and her eyes swollen red after watching reruns of her favorite teen drama.
Even with Anneke partially turned away from him as she spoke to the butler, he could see from the stiff set of her shoulders and the way her lips were trembling that she was remembering the exact same thing, just as he also knew that the memories weren’t bringing her any joy.
They were hurting her instead, and Marcus drew his breath, realizing at that moment just how much things had changed between them because of that blasted article.
When the butler left, Anneke invited Marcus to take a seat without meeting his gaze, and as soon as he was seated she asked him if he wanted anything.
You. That was what he wanted to say. That was what his heart wanted. But he managed to swallow the word back and go with something more natural.
“Coffee would be good.”
Anneke simply nodded.
He watched her use the intercom to relay his request, and a moment later a maid came in bearing a tray with two cups of coffee. He thanked the younger girl for the service, and when the maid nodded also without meeting his gaze, another realization came to him.
Accidenti.
Everyone here knew about the article, and Marcus felt like a goddamn idiot for not realizing it sooner. No wonder she was acting so stiff about him. Everyone here was probably wondering why she had even let him step one foot in her house---
But even knowing that, she still had.
He said abruptly, “I’m sorry.”
The apology had Anneke’s fingers trembling so hard she was forced to put the cup down lest she ended spilling up the coffee on herself. She could feel Marcus’ sincerity in those words, but was that really enough?
“Is there anything you want to ask?” Marcus asked tautly. When Anneke responded with a clumsy shrug of her shoulders, one that could mean anything, he tried again, saying, “I sued the hell out of her, in case you’re wondering.”
“I wasn’t.” Anneke’s tone was jerky. “But since you did – doesn’t it only mean you’re guilty?”
“I sued her because we had a non-disclosure,” Marcus said flatly, “and she had violated it by giving an interview about me. As for being guilty…” It was his turn to shrug. “Of what? Of being a Dom?”
It was the article’s biggest revelation about him, and in a way Marcus had to be thankful for that. If the woman had made the smallest hint about what went down between them in his wedding night, he didn’t know what he’d have done. But whatever it was, he was certain the other woman would wish she was dead instead.
“You’ve always known that part about me,” he told Anneke quietly. “And in the interest of full disclosure – I’ve never seen it as something to be guilty of.”
Silence.
And he found himself holding his breath –
Until he saw her make a small nod, and relief filled him. He knew then that whatever their problems were, at least it wouldn’t be compounded by Anneke’s inability to accept that part of him.
Painfully tense silence started to hum between them again, and Anneke struggled to keep herself still. Marcus’ intense dark gaze hadn’t wavered from her, not even once, and she just didn’t know what to do with it.
She only had the briefest glimpse of him, and already she felt like she was in the brink of falling off an abyss –
And if she ever did, she just knew there would be no getting over it, there was just no way to glue the pieces back together again.
Anneke dug her nails into her palms. That article was a wake-up call, and it was time for her to stop deluding herself into thinking that things had changed – or that things could ever change between them.
She prepared herself to get it over with, telling herself it was now or never, but before another word could come out Marcus had already spoken.
“I want to talk about that night.”
Her head turned to him sharply before she could stop herself---
Oh.
A shudder ran over her body at the sight of Marcus, and her eyes started to prick. He was beautiful, so beautiful. And she loved him so much, but could he ever be hers?
“Will anything change, Marcus,” she heard herself ask tremulously, “even if we talk about it?”
“Yes.”
“But you still d-did it with her---”
Marcus shook his head. “No.” He took the USB out of his pocket and as he slowly laid it on the table, it felt as if he was carving out his own soul. “Everything’s in here.” He swallowed hard. “And everything will change after this.”
And once she did know e
verything, would she still be able to look at him the same way again?
He watched her take the USB, and an invisible noose started to tighten around his neck once more.
When she asked if she could check on it alone, the selfish, cowardly part of him wanted to say no. He had to be there, in case she decided she no longer wanted him and he had to keep her from running away.
But in the end he managed to swallow back the instinctive words and nod simply instead. “Whatever you want.”
Marcus watched her walk away, and his blood turned cold. Time started ticking, but he told himself he couldn’t lose hope. He had to believe she could love a man like him.
Anneke didn’t know what to expect when she saw the video files stored in the USB. A couple of scenarios ran through her mind as she clicked on the first file. Could it be something about the other woman? Perhaps it was his history as a Dom? But when the video started to play, Anneke was bewildered when she saw a young Marcus seated behind a desk instead.
From behind the camera, a disembodied voice said, “Start from the beginning, Marcus.”
“He asked me to go inside their bedroom.”
The young Marcus’ face remained expressionless as he continued with his story. The details were horrific, and by the time Anneke realized he was talking about his own parents she wanted to throw up.
God.
Oh God.
Why?
She forced himself to watch one video after another, and the tears started to fall as she saw Marcus grow from boyhood into adolescence and finally adulthood, and all the while shadows of the past lurked in the darkness of his eyes.
And in the final video, it was between Marcus and a priest, and his confession was all about her.
Padre, forgive me for I have sinned. My wife is an innocent – but I almost dirtied her with my own hands.
When she returned to the living room, she found Marcus with his head bowed, his hands in such a tight clasp his knuckles had turned white. Marcus, Marcus. She wanted to call out to him, but she was weeping too hard for her to speak.
When his head suddenly lifted up, she saw the fear in his eyes---
Fear that she couldn’t accept someone like him---
And she nearly slid to her knees.
Pain engulfed her, but it was all for him.
All for him.
“Oh, Marcus.”
He whitened.
“W-why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I was afraid.” His voice was toneless. “I didn’t know if I could bear it if you found me repulsive---”
“Never,” Anneke said brokenly.
“Or what I’d do if you’d look at me with pity---”
“I’m not,” Anneke whispered shakily. “I’m not pitying you---”
“Yes.” And this time, Marcus’ tone was bitter. “You are.”
Chapter Nine
“Marcus, wake up. Please?”
It took a while before the softly spoken words penetrated his mind, and another moment before he could finally open his eyes. He blinked and then he blinked again. Anneke?
She was freshly showered and dressed in a sunny yellow short-sleeved romper. She looked too delicious, dangerously so, and as the beautiful sight of her drew Marcus fully out of his sleep, something else emerged.
Fuck.
He was aroused, and when the fact made him stiffen, the action unfortunately drew her attention towards his erection.
Anneke’s eyes widened. “Oh.”
Marcus swiftly sat up and threw a pillow over his lower half, all the while feeling absurdly self-conscious. To his complete disgust, he could even feel a flush coming over him.
Accidenti.
He was acting like a goddamn schoolboy in a sudden encounter with his first crush.
Looking at her, he saw Anneke still staring wide-eyed at where his erection was buried under the pillow and thick covers, and despite himself Marcus could feel his lips twitch.
“Anneke?”
“Mm?”
“May I ask why you’ve come to my bedroom?”
“Uh…”
“And perhaps you could look at my face,” Marcus drawled, “---while we talk?”
Oh! Anneke’s gaze flew up to Marcus’ face in dismay, and her face turned red at the gleam of amusement in his dark eyes. “Sorry,” she stammered. “I was just---” Entranced by the size of his cock?
He raised a brow. “You were just…what?”
“Umm, nothing.” She changed the subject, saying in a rush, “Anyway, I hope you had a good night’s sleep?”
“Si. Thank you for accommodating me at short notice.”
Anneke made a face. “It wasn’t like I left you a choice.”
Marcus’ lips only curved in the briefest of smiles, but he didn’t say it wasn’t so, and Anneke didn’t expect him to. It was the truth, after all. Last night’s events still haunted her, and she could see in his dark eyes that it was the same for him. There were so many things for them to talk about, but the moment she had tried broaching the topic last night a shuttered expression had fallen over his face. She knew then he still wasn’t ready, knew that he still believed she pitied him.
But that was all going to change now.
It had to.
“So…” Anneke cleared her throat. “I was wondering if you could accompany me to town. I have a couple of errands to run.”
Marcus didn’t answer right away. The words made it seem like things were normal between them, made it look like everything was okay now – but was it, really?
“It’s just going to be a short while,” she hastened to add when he still didn’t speak.
Realizing she had misinterpreted his silence, he shook his head, saying softly, “I would be happy to accompany you, bambina. You only have to ask me anything, and it’s yours.”
Anneke only nodded, and when she retreated from him, he had to clench his fists to control the urge to haul her back into him.
“I’ll leave you to shower,” Anneke was saying over her shoulder as she padded towards the door. She turned back to him just as she reached for the knob, asking, “Join me for breakfast?”
“I’ll be with you in fifteen.”
“Okay.” Her fingers wrapped around the doorknob. “And Marcus?”
“Si?”
“I hope you meant what you said---”
Ah.
“Because there is something I want to ask of you.”
Their walk to town after breakfast was like a trip down memory lane, and Anneke made sure to keep everything light and limit her reminiscing to their happy moments. She even had him carry a familiar tote bag, and her heart felt close to bursting with pleasure when she saw his eyes widen at the sight of it.
“This is the bag from that time.” Marcus’ tone was faintly incredulous. “You managed to keep it?”
Everything that has to do with you, Anneke thought, I kept with me, even when I had every reason to throw it all away.
But out loud, she only said lightly, “It’s proven to be a sturdy little thing over the years.”
When they made it to town, another pleasant surprise awaited him, and Marcus’ head snapped towards Anneke. “A festival?”
“Uh huh.” She grinned up at him, asking teasingly, “Excited about all the angsty live readings we’re about to attend?”
But the Italian billionaire only laughed, and reaching for one loose blond lock, Marcus said silkily, “It is pointless to scare an Italian with such a thing, bambina. We do not shun emotions like you Dutch.”
“Hmph!” But she couldn’t fight the grin off her face, knowing that he wasn’t saying anything that wasn’t true.
Their first stop was a makeshift station of a poet-for-hire, with the requisite typewriter in front of him, and a blank paper already slotted in place.
“Want a custom-written haiku?” the younger man asked hopefully.
“Yes, please.” And without looking at Marcus, she said, “I’d like it dedicated to my h
usband.”
Beside her, said husband stiffened, and she wanted to laugh and cry.
Oh, my love.
This was only the beginning.
And it was.
Several townsfolk came up to them while they were waiting for the poet to complete his haiku, and Anneke introduced Marcus to everyone as her husband. To the billionaire’s credit, he took everything by stride, expressing his thanks when he received greetings of felicitations and good-naturedly acknowledging people’s ribbing when the Beasts article was inevitably brought up.
After, she kept chatting nonstop, not allowing him another word edgewise. She was scared that if she did – he would tell her what she was doing wasn’t working, and she had to let him go.
They had lunch at Alfred’s, just like before, and after she asked him if they could drop by the local museum.
Marcus’ gaze turned inscrutable. “Of course.” It was the place they were supposed to meet over a decade ago. Everything had come full circle now, and he knew it was time.
Both of them were quiet as they took the elevator all the way to the private hall in the fifth floor, and she bit her lip hard when Marcus entered the passcode on her behalf. He remembered. After all these years, he remembered.
That had to mean something.
Didn’t it?
As they started down the hall, she told him a little about the paintings gracing the walls. Some were painted by their ancestors while others gifts were from de Konigh husbands to the women they loved.
When they reached the end of the hallway, she gestured to the door to their left. Swallowing hard, Anneke said unevenly, “That’s where I was waiting for you twelve years ago.” Turning to him, she said wistfully, “If you had shown up back then---”
Marcus’ jaw clenched. “Don’t.”
Her eyes widened.
“Don’t wish for the impossible.”
“I’m not. But I just can’t help thinking how things would change---”
“Who I was then is the same person I am now, Anneke.” His voice was harsh. “I’ve been cursed from the start. Dirty---” He stopped when she started shaking her head vehemently.
“You don’t understand.” Tears clogged her throat, making it harder for Anneke to speak. “I do wish that you had taken me back then---”
