by John O'Brien
They keep Carrie on the grass for a while longer, feeding her small sips of water until Gonzalez feels comfortable enough with Carrie’s recovery. They load the girl into the rear making sure she’s comfortable and proceed back with the sound of Kelly comforting her daughter. Gonzalez rides back feeling good that they could help someone in this nightmare of danger and death in which so much has been lost.
* * *
The next morning arrives and I wake feeling just as tired as when I collapsed. The night passed with my waking many times; sometimes due to the pain and sometimes with the pounding at the doors from night runners. I am angered at their pounding interrupting my sleep and by their taking my precious gem from me. The ache is deep within my heart and I don’t want to get up. I feel like just staying on my cot with my misery for company. I know in my mind that the pain will pass but it certainly doesn’t feel like it ever will. I failed my sweet Nic and the agony of that hurts almost as much as does her loss. No parent should outlive their child. My worst nightmare has come to pass. I don’t want to rise but know that I need to lay my Nic to rest.
With an extreme effort, like lifting a truck from on top of me, I toss aside the blankets that someone put over me during the night. I sit on the side of the cot and look over to where Nic is lying to see that Drescoll or someone wrapped her in a sleeping bag. Robert and Bri are sitting on their cots with their heads hung. Mom is kneeling by Nic just staring at the bag in which she lies. I stand and walk over to Nic, lift her in my arms, and, without a word, carry her outside with Robert, Bri, and Mom following. As she is going about business in the parking lot, Lynn sees us and joins our silent march. The entire parking lot of soldiers is silent as we pass by. I gently set Nic in the back of one of the Humvees. Our doors closing sounds unnaturally loud in the stillness as we climb silently in and start down the road.
All of us have tears in our eyes, with Mom and Bri sobbing in the back, as we drive to the gate blocking the road to our special place. The walk is also conducted in silence with Robert, Bri, and myself carrying Nic’s body along the road and up through the woods. At a stump, we rid ourselves of our accoutrements and smudge ourselves before proceeding into the small valley and up the side of the hill where Nic and I spent so many hours together. The valley still holds the peaceful feeling but I am numb inside. I feel like someone else is walking through the shaded grove. I cannot believe I am about to lay my daughter, my Nic, a jewel in my life, to rest. It’s a different surreal than the world’s situation but surreal nonetheless.
We dig a deep hole on the side of the hill where we used to sit. I take my bear necklace off, and, unzipping the bag, I place it inside. Gently lowering Nic in her sleeping bag, I stand at the edge looking at her lying in the hole. I can’t bring myself to shovel dirt in. The thought of doing so makes me feel like I’d be giving up on her. I lean on the shovel with warm tears streaming down my face and feel Lynn’s arms around my shoulders. Bri hugs my waist and buries her face against me, sobbing. Mom comes over and throws her arms around the both of us with her eyes red from crying. Robert joins us and, in our shared sorrow and loss, we all hug tightly.
As if on a shared thought, we part and I scoop a small load of dirt in, lowering the shovel and gently laying the dirt on the bag, as if edging myself towards actually burying her. We all begin laying shovels in until the bag disappears from view. My vision is blurred as the last of the blue of the bag vanishes beneath the dirt and the hole is then quickly filled leaving a mound. We stand around it holding hands.
I kneel and place my hand on the freshly turned earth. “Spirits, you know Nic. She has visited you many times here. Please take care of her and guide her. Nic, you were a sweet jewel upon this earth and blessed it so much with your presence. Your laugh was like an angel singing. You were the world to me and I’ll truly miss you. I’ll miss your smile and the look in your eyes when you gazed at me. A smile that would chase all of the shadows away. I’ll miss the times we had playing, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. Goodbye my dear, sweet Nic. I love you so much! I’ll meet you here,” I say sobbing between words. My sweet Nic is truly gone, never to grace my presence by her beautiful laugh or sweet voice again.
I swear I hear her voice in my head, “I’ll be here waiting for you, Dad.”
A deep, agonizing sense of sadness and loss grips my insides. Robert, Bri, Mom, and Lynn take turns saying their goodbyes and we depart in silence. I know Robert is grieving within but it’s always been his way to not express his emotions much. Walking through the trees, with the sunlight filtering in through gaps, we gather our gear and walk slowly back to the vehicle. The drive back is conducted with a reverent quiet and we pull back into the place we have determined to be our sanctuary although I’m not sure I will ever see it that way.
I walk back into the building and plop back onto my cot feeling completely drained inside; an empty husk. I’m just a shell with no drive left. I know mentally I can’t sink into this, especially at a time like this with our survival still hanging by a thread, but I can’t seem to stop it. My thoughts are not in line with my ability or willpower. I sink down onto the cot in tune with the sinking I feel in my soul.
Lynn approaches and kneels next to me. “I know this isn’t the best time but what do we do now. What do we need to do?”
I know she is, one, concerned about the group and two, trying to shake me out of this funk I’m in; trying to redirect my thoughts into something productive. It doesn’t help.
“I don’t care, whatever you see fit,” I respond and roll over.
Days pass in a blur. I faintly recollect the hammering of night runners outside at night, people coming by, eating and drinking by rote, others within the building moving racks and such, storing gear, and Lynn talking to me at times but I don’t remember any of the conversations. I gradually come out of my funk but still can’t find the willpower to rise and become useful in any way.
Finally, I guess Lynn has had enough of my feeling sorry for myself and stands over me with her hands on her hips looking determined. “Look, Jack, I know you’re hurting and I feel horrible about what happened but you’ve got to shake out of this. We’ve got people here who are looking to you and counting on you.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I say looking up at her.
“Well, these people need you to lead. We need supplies and to start building that fucking wall to protect us,” she states.
“Then do it,” I state back.
“Jack, I’ve seen to getting supplies for the interim and such but I can’t do what you do. I can do the tactical shit but not the strategic stuff like you have rattling around that empty cavern you call a mind,” she says trying her hardest to shake me of my lethargy or at least draw a smile. “Do you seriously think Nic would want you like this?”
That causes a start within. “I’m going to the roof,” I say rising.
“Fine, Jack, do what you need but come back to us. Come back to me,” she says, turns, and walks away.
I rise slowly and remove the barricade leading to the roof. Trudging up the darkened stairwell feels like I’m climbing to the top of the Empire State Building. I reach the top, bump the push bar opening the latch, and swing the door open. The bright sunlight blinds my eyes that have only seen the glare of florescent lights in the past few days. It’s like everything whited-out and then swims into focus. I trudge over and sit on one of the large pipes running across the space and gaze over to the west with the sun just beginning to lower behind the evergreens beyond the open fields.
The fresh air feels good and I feel a stirring inside trying to break through the numbness. I don’t know whether to force it back down and stay numb or to let it through and feel the excruciating pain. I miss Nic, I think and with that thought, the numbness shatters. The grief rises and explodes; the sun blurs as tears run down my cheeks. I sit alone for a while realizing that she isn’t coming back but wanting the memory of who she was alive.
The roof door swing
s open; Robert and Bri walk through. I watch as they both walk over with their M-4’s slung over their shoulders. I stand as they approach and we throw our arms around each other. Holding them close and tight, I look at them and realize I have been vacant when they needed me. I realize they are all I have left, them and Lynn, and I need to be here for them. I need to be here and see them safe; to make sure they are capable of existing in this new world. It’s at this moment that clarity returns and I feel a semblance of myself come back. There is still the deep, longing for Nic, but I feel I can focus and carry on again.
“I’m sorry I’ve been absent and not here for you,” I say as we hug each other closely.
“That’s alright, Dad, we all miss her,” Bri says.
“Yeah, Dad, we understand,” Robert chimes in on the heels of Bri; both with tears running down their faces.
“Dad?” Bri asks looking up and wiping her tears away.
“Yes, hon,” I answer.
“I, we, want to be able to handle ourselves better, to help take care…” Bri starts saying.
“What’s Bri’s trying to say is we want to be trained like you,” Robert interrupts and finishes what Bri was beating around the bush trying to say, not knowing what my response will be.
“I was thinking along the same lines. We’ll fit that in as we build this place up,” I say sitting back on the pipe.
We watch the sun set and talk about us; relive memories. We remember the good times with Nic, talk some about the future, and even laugh some. As the sun vanishes below the trees, oranges spread across the horizon ahead of us behind the dark backdrop of the mountains. The oranges change to reds and then purples as we watch in silence; each of us content with the mere presence of each other. The day closes.
“Let’s head back downstairs and get ready for the night,” I say with a sigh; not wanting this moment to end. The world, sun, and universe doesn’t seem to care about us mere specks and our situation as time, or the measure of motion, does not stop or change but merely continues along as it always has. Or maybe it is its way of showing it cares in that time does carry on and doesn’t keep us stuck in our moment.
We rise and head down into our sanctuary, making sure the door is locked behind us and barred on the bottom. I turn and see Lynn standing close by.
“I’m back,” I say as she steps close.
“I’m so glad, Jack,” she whispers in my ear as she gives me a hug like a welcome home after a long journey.
Intermission
She wakes with a start. Confusion reigns inside her head. Wasn’t she just at the door and feeling hesitant about going outside? What is she doing back in her room upstairs on the floor? Was she drugged? Her children! Yes, she was searching for them. Where are they?
She stands in the dark room feeling tired and sore. Her arm burns from a scratch and she looks down but can’t see anything in the inky blackness. She maneuvers to the bedroom door tripping over a few items in the dark but makes it across the room and opens the door. The interior is still dark but more like a deep gloom rather than the complete light void of her room. She feels the panic rise within her heart as she remembers running through the house searching for her kids. She doesn’t remember finding them or why she quit. Her last memory is of reaching for the front door hesitantly.
She rushes down the hall in her bare feet calling for her kids. Her voice only echoes along the still interior with no replying call. Her tension increases, as does the decibel level of her calls, as she searches the bedrooms. No reply, just the stillness of the house. She scrambles down the stairs with her heart pounding and feeling short of breath. She is barely able to take a breath to scream their names. Stopping in the living room, she glances at the burning on her arm from the scratch and notices her jeans and yellow top covered in grime and what appears to be dried blood.
She quickly checks herself for injuries and finds none other than soreness in her shoulder. She remembers taking these actions before and is confused as to what happened or why she suddenly found herself back in her bedroom. The serious possibility that she was drugged and her kids taken seeps into her mind. She recalls the flu pandemic that was storming across the world. Was the vaccine that she and her kids took responsible for this in some way or does the broken window indicate someone came in, drugged her, and took them? These questions tumble through her mind in her panicked state.
She quickly checks the basement noticing the boards blocking the front door have been removed and wonders if the kids left. If so, then why didn’t they say something? She’s at a loss as to what to do. Stumbling around confused and panicked, she sees her grimy shirt again and quickly changes it with another from the pile of clothes on the couch; not even noticing she put it on inside out as her mind is focused entirely on her kids. She thinks they may be at their friend’s and picks up her cell but it is dead. She picks up the landline phone and is greeted with silence. Shaking her head, she looks for her keys and can’t locate them anywhere panicking her even further.
She heads to the front door and the hesitancy she felt before stalls her hand for a moment before she turns the handle and swings it open. The brightness of the day blinds her as she steps out onto the porch and calls across the neighborhood for her kids. A black and gray striped cat down the road scampers off as her shrill voice rings out in the area. She notices there’s no one out. It’s not that her neighborhood was all that busy but there were always kids out on bikes or playing basketball on the street during nice days. Stillness hangs in the air. A slight stench similar to a garbage dump reaches her nose.
She steps in to put on a pair of shoes and walks to the end of the driveway to look along the streets; the silence of the area adds to her confusion. There’s not a thing moving anywhere other than a few blackbirds circling in the distance. Her kids remain paramount in her mind and she starts down the road in search of them.
Her plan is to go to the houses of their friends looking to see if they are there or if anyone has heard from them. It’s quite a walk but the day is early and she doesn’t know of any other way to find them. If she still can’t find them, then she’ll walk downtown to the police station. Maybe someone she knows will pass by and give her a ride or she’ll see a policeman and wave him or her down. With that in mind, she heads towards town only a short distance away.
Her walk is one of a deep fear and she wants to run all of the way but knows she won’t make it far that way. She feels frustrated about not finding her keys, making this so much easier. She wants to know what happened and rush the process of finding out. Taking note that the streets are clear of any moving cars, she continues walking along one of the main streets. While this enters her mind, total recognition is not there as her kids occupy all of her thoughts. Where are they? What could have happened to them? These questions rattle around as she can’t for the life of her figure out why they’d just leave. They’ve always told me where they were or where they were going.
She rounds the corner by the high school and notices a startling difference. There is now barbed wire running along the top of the chain link fence surrounding the school. There’s also what appears to be platforms or towers constructed at the corners and at intervals along the fence. When did this happen? She thinks coming to a stop. She notices people by the main school buildings and turn towards the school entrance thinking there’s someone there that can help or at least let her use a phone to call the kids.
She reaches the school entrance to the parking lots to find it is also fenced in. She passed by several of the platforms built just inside the fence but found them empty. The fact that the school is fenced in worries her even more as she feels she’s missed a lot of what is going on. Was there some kind of quarantine with the flu pandemic? Did they close down the school because of it?
There are others moving near a building in the distance and she is about to call out when she hears a vehicle turn down the street behind her. She registers that it’s the first sound she’s heard since waking up, w
ell, the first sound of normal civilization. She turns to see a white van approach. She feels thankful seeing someone and that they may be able to help. The van pulls alongside and stops as she waves it down. She doesn’t know any of the three people who emerge from the vehicle and approach her.
“Hi, I’m looking for my kids. Do you think you could…..?” She gets no further.
The three men launch their assault as she draws close. She struggles against the immediate assault but her fear and surprise, and their overwhelming strength, allows her to be quickly subdued. She is dragged, thrown onto the floor of the van, and her hands are quickly tied behind her. She still struggles as she wants to find her kids and for fear of her life. A bag is thrown over her head and she feels pain, accompanied by an explosion of bright light. All goes dark and she sags limply on the floor of the van.
* * *
He stands on the edge of the parking lot with the rest of his pack milling around him. Their movements make them appear eager and the images in his mind verify that. The night is chilled but he doesn’t notice, nor does his pack as they’re out on the hunt. The calls of other packs have led them to this place. The night shows up bright in his vision with the stars shining brightly overhead. A multitude of packs surround a large structure a short distance away. Shrieks call across the lot and several packs take runs at the entrance only to come up short as they slam into the outer doors.
His pack has grown lately as he has come across other small packs or single ones in the nightly hunts. They stay with him for his ability to provide protection and find food. He found and added several females to prevent any competition amongst the other males. He still has first choice but he has plenty to go around now so there isn’t any angst or jealousy within the pack.
He stares at the vast gathering of his kind around the building. They have been drawn by the lingering smell of food within. He knows that there is a large number of food inside but also knows from experience that, even if they were to force an entrance, there would not be enough to go around. The competition for food, especially with his late arrival, will be fierce. Even with a pack as large as his, he knows he may be wasting his time. He also knows he has to spend the short time they have, with the increasing scarcity of food, on more prosperous ventures.
