by Jade Lee
Her strokes on his dragon were getting longer now. Full and practiced. But it was when she used her tongue that his yang surged. She didn't do it often, still nervous. But every tentative touch had his body soaring with power.
It was during one of those bursts that he at last understood his anger at Fu De that day so long ago. It did not really bother him that the boy had been learning English. His fury was because Li Dee had shared such happiness with a servant rather than with him.
The yang fire was burning hotter now. He could hear his breath becoming more ragged, less controlled. But he redoubled his focus, visualizing his breath as a large mixing spoon, stirring his yang with Li Dee's yin, bringing the two together to create a great new creature—an Immortal.
And as the image stirred his dual rivers, it also brought to mind the memory of his mother standing in her courtyard stirring the dye she sometimes used to color the cotton they sold. It was a great, laborious task, and though she had helpers, she rarely trusted them. Servant girls were small and frightened of the hot cauldron—with good reason. The dye was heated to a boil and the cloth was heavy and bulky, especially when wet. Many people had suffered terrible burns from similar tasks. Her servants did all they could to be incompetent at the dangerous task so they would be excused from assisting.
As a boy, Ru Shan had helped her, but as an adult he was often too busy selling their wares to assist in their construction. So it had been with considerable surprise one afternoon when he had returned home to hear a man not his father in his mother's courtyard.
Ru Shan was not supposed to look. He knew to respect a woman's private garden. But just then his mother released a peal of laughter, quickly stifled, but true laughter nonetheless. It had been a long time since he had heard such a thing. Not since he was a child performing antics for her amusement. And so, without thought, he walked to the wall and peered over.
He recognized the man with his mother. A sea captain from England with a bushy beard and an infectious laugh. The man wished to buy bales of cotton, but they had not been dyed yet. Obviously, he had come to help with the work.
Still, Ru Shan had been stunned. True, Mei Lan his mother knew the ship captain from before. She was often called to help as a translator. She had learned English from a missionary and it had been a great boon to the Cheng family business. The English liked to converse in their own language, even if that meant speaking through a woman. And so the two obviously knew each other, but that did not mean the captain should come to their home. Should burden his delicate mother with his white smells and his thick hands.
Ru Shan had been on the verge of bodily throwing the man from his home until his mother laughed again. At a silly antic of the captain's. Again the sound had been quickly stifled against his mother's tiny hand, but Ru Shan had heard it nonetheless. And so he had backed away.
What son would take joy from his mother? The woman worked tirelessly for the benefit of the Cheng family. If the captain eased the burden of the arduous dyeing task, he would not interfere.
But he had never forgotten the moment either.
His body was tightening now, readying for release. Similarly, his mind was ready as well, the yin and yang mixing freely. He was prepared to step into a Heavenly Courtyard, prepared to see the images the Immortals chose to reveal to him.
Except, he could not seem to remain focused. Li Dee had slicked his dragon's mouth with her tongue. She had even ventured to put her entire mouth around him, sucking in the same manner in which he had done to her. Great Heaven, she learned quickly. His legs were shaking, and his breath rasped in and out of his throat. Surely he would reach immortality today.
And yet, his mind would not settle enough to allow the transformation. Memories, images, began flashing through his mind. He heard once again Li Dee's laugh. Then it was not Li Dee but his mother who giggled. He saw the white captain as the man danced around carrying dripping red cotton that splashed his face. But it was not dye. It was blood.
He saw himself as a boy, stirring the dye pot, the heat beating at his face, his arms aching with the strain. His blood pounded in his ears as the dye churned and boiled, splashing red over his arms, his face. The taste was rank, the pain real.
His mother screamed.
The stir stick was heavy in his hand as he fell to his knees.
The captain was dead.
A bellow roared up from his throat, erupting like a volcano of sound. His body spasmed as his control shredded like paper. He tore himself away from Li Dee and fell to his knees. His body convulsed, over and over, as his seed and the qi energy that went with it spilled onto the floor. Over and over it spewed from him, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it.
In the distance, he heard Li Dee cry out, shocked and afraid. Her words came in anxious English that his mind had no way to translate.
"Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"
He didn't know what she said or what she intended, but he reached for her hand, clutching it to his chest as his ragged breathing steadied. Her fingers were small but powerful, and he took comfort from the strength in her delicate bones.
And eventually, his sanity returned.
She was kneeling beside him, one hand tucked against his chest, the other supporting his back. And she was saying something.
"Do you need a doctor?"
He shook his head, a sigh releasing the last of his strength into the air. "I was almost there, Li Dee. I was almost an Immortal. It felt so close."
"What happened?" Her breath was a warm balm across his shoulder.
"Memories. Distractions." He looked down at his spent energy that dirtied the floor. "And now I have to begin it all again." He pushed slowly up to his knees.
"You want to start again now?" she whispered, clearly doubtful.
So was he. "I cannot try that again just now," he answered. It took great effort to climb onto the bed, bringing her with him, but he would not release her. He liked the feel of her hand in his too much. "We believe that every time a man expends his qi like that, he shortens his life by as much as a year." He settled onto his side, gently tucking her against him.
"You are staying here?" She moved easily, but her voice was high and anxious.
"Fu De cannot serve you tonight," he said firmly. "I will tend to you." Then he pushed her forward slightly so he could drape his leg around hers. With his head tucked into the sweet perfume of her hair, he closed his eyes knowing they would sleep easily in the Cleaving Cicadas position.
But rest did not come to him. Despite his exhaustion, his mind would not let him sleep. All too soon, he found himself speaking to Li Dee what he knew she could not possibly understand. His story came from nowhere, having no relevance to their situation. And yet, he found he wanted to tell her, wanted her to know how his journey had begun.
"I first learned of the dragon and tigress practice when I was a young man, already growing angry in my heart. My cousin came to stay with us from Peking. He had taken the Imperial examination a few years earlier, but had not done well. He was given a low government position and everyone called him a failure, even his wife."
He smiled to himself, remembering his cousin's wide face. "Zhao Gao was also a water person like you, Li Dee. But his was mixed with earth, which hindered and stopped his flow. Everything he did seemed to be hard for him, and his life was filled with obstacles. Even his body was awkward, with wide-spaced eyes and a mouth full of gaps."
He sighed, pulling her body tighter against him, his yang naturally seeking to be linked to her yin. But even with her tucked so intimately against him, he could not quiet his thoughts or still his mouth.
"I did not want him to visit us. I was very afraid of his fortune—his life path. No greater shame can befall a Chinese man than to spend years in study, a fortune on tutors, the enormous expense of traveling for the exam, only to perform badly. I did not want to be associated with such a man because I was very afraid of that future myself." He sighed at his own stupidity. "Of course, I d
idn't take the exam. My father had already decided that I would spend my life with him in the store."
"Is that why you were angry?" Li Dee asked. "Because you were not going to take the exam?"
He shook his head, rubbing his chin across her shoulder as he answered. "I was angry because I had to study. Locked in a tiny room with an old man to learn about men long since dead. I found it stupid and difficult, but I wanted to make my mother proud. She was the one who wished me to become a great scholar."
"Caught between a mother and a father. It must have been difficult."
"Everything about the Imperial exam is difficult. Truthfully, I was secretly overjoyed when my father liberated me to work in the store. My mother was the only one who grieved." He shifted slightly, raising up on one arm. "But I did not know that then, and I greatly feared my cousin's fortune would somehow contaminate me."
He leaned forward, letting his cheek feel the smoothness of Li Dee's shoulder. Except, of course, she was still clothed, and he frowned at the stiff peasant fabric. "Remove your shirt," he ordered. "I will perform your breast exercises from this position tonight."
She did as he bade, sitting up to remove her coolie tunic. He was pleased to see that there was no hesitation in her movements, only a slight confusion as he shifted her to the Goat Hugging-Tree pose. Though not the full position, it was still one of his favorites. It allowed him to remain seated, his back relaxed against the wall while still able to perform his tasks. At his direction, she settled between his legs, her back toward his chest.
At first she remained rigidly upright, but as he reached around her to begin stroking her breasts, she gradually settled back, lying against him, her naked chest open to his view.
"It pleases me that you are comfortable like this." He spoke without thought, not even realizing the truth of his statement until he had said the words aloud. "I have never wished to harm you," he added.
"I know," she answered. He heard resignation and un-happiness in her tone.
He sighed. "I know you wish to be free, Li Dee, but surely you must see that I cannot release you yet. I need your yin. And even more than that, I need to understand."
She turned, looking at him over her shoulder. "Understand what?"
"How I have lost the middle path."
"But I can't help you—"
He pressed his finger to her mouth, stopping her words. "Not now, Li Dee. Let us do your exercises." He felt her nod in acknowledgment, then she returned to her position facing away from him. Once again, he began circling her breasts. He hoped that this activity would quiet his mind, but he had done it so many times with her that his hands performed as if by rote, leaving his thoughts to wander where they would.
They returned to his cousin Zhao Gao.
"I didn't know why Zhao Gao was coming to Shanghai, merely that he wished to visit."
He pulled Li Dee close to his chest, letting his cheek rest upon her hair as he stroked circles around her breasts and tugged gently at her nipples. She was well used to this by now, and no longer gasped or moaned when he stirred her yin. But pressed this closely together, he could hear the increase in her breath and feel the added heat from her skin. Indeed, by now, he knew the early stages of her arousal almost as well as his own.
"He came to our home early in the afternoon on a day so hot even the flies did not move. I had been watching for him instead of studying." He felt a chuckle rumble through his body. "I will never forget my first sight of Zhao Gao. I expected him to be small and wretched as befit a family disgrace. Instead, he was a large man, wreathed in smiles and large gestures. His voice boomed through the courtyard, announcing his presence the way a mountain river gushes in spring. Except it was summer and we were all weak from the heat."
"One of my father's friends is like that," Li Dee murmured. "Large and happy. There is no other way to describe him, except that everyone wishes to be near him."
He dropped a gentle kiss upon Li Dee's forehead, mentally sending her some of his yang with the gesture. "That is exactly how it was with Zhao Gao. Everyone liked him. He even made my mother happy enough to sing while she worked. Joy ran through our home like a river and everyone rejoiced. Everyone, that is, except me." He shifted uncomfortably, wishing he had been brighter as a child. He had wasted so much time hating what he did not understand.
Li Dee shifted, trying to look at him, but he did not allow her to turn. "You didn't like him?"
"I didn't understand him. I thought he should feel ashamed because everyone called him an a dou—a useless one—and so when he didn't, I reminded everyone what a failure he was." He sighed, feeling guilt weigh down his spirit. "I was cruel, Li Dee."
"You were young."
"Not that young. I knew better."
He had begun the next set of circles, the ones that stimulated yin flow rather than quieted it. And so he was not surprised when she began to stir slightly in his arms, her breath coming in deeper rhythms as she pushed for more information. "What happened? To Zhao Gao?"
"He invited me to serve as Shi Po's green dragon. That is how I met her."
He could feel her confusion. "I thought you were a jade dragon. Or is that the name of..." Her voice trailed away.
"Yes, that is the name of my yang center. But it is also my status. Not then, of course. I was just a green dragon—a man Shi Po used for her training, the training of a tigress." He smiled in memory. "I had no idea. I thought Zhao Gao was trying to make friends with me by taking me to a prostitute. Later he told me it was because I obviously had too much yang, and Shi Po needed more."
"What did she do to you?"
He paused, drawing out Li Dee's nipples as he remembered. "She did almost exactly what you did earlier. Only many more times, drawing out my seed over and over." He shifted so that he could look into her eyes. "That is what a tigress does. She takes a man's yang, mixes it—"
"With her own yin to become a female Immortal," she finished for him.
He smiled, pleased that she understood. And then she startled him even more.
"Teach me how to do that," she ordered, though she phrased it more as a plea. "I wish to become an Immortal as well."
His hands stilled. "But you cannot."
"Why not? Because I am English? A ghost person who is only a pet?"
He did not want to confirm her words, because he could see that would make her angry, but that was indeed the truth.
She shook her head, obviously reading the truth from his expression. "You are wrong," she said firmly. "I am a person, not an animal. And I can learn."
He nodded slowly, wondering if what she said might be true.
"What must I do?" she asked.
It took him a while to answer. He did not want her to try and fail, then fall into despair. But perhaps he underestimated her. Perhaps some of the ghost people like Li Dee were more substantial than anyone in China believed.
"You have taken my yang," he said. "I will stimulate your yin to its fullest extent, if you wish. When the yin river is upon you, you must mix it with my yang, letting it carry you to Heaven."
She nodded. "I can do that."
He smiled. "I said much the same thing when Zhao Gao explained the truth to me." He sighed. "That was Zhao Gao's secret, you see. He could not be a great scholar or even a great official. But he could become immortal, and it was that journey that brought him—and everyone else—such joy."
"So he was not such a failure after all," murmured Li Dee.
"No, he was not." He redirected his energies to raising Li Dee's yin, but something in his voice must have given him away, because she stopped his movements. With her two tiny hands, she held his in place as she turned to look at him.
"You think you are a failure like Zhao Gao, don't you?" It was more a statement than a question, and when he did not respond, she continued, narrowing her eyes as she studied his face. "You did not pass the Imperial exam."
"I did not take the exam."
She nodded. "Very true, but that means yo
u did not get a chance to shine. To take a high government position. Right?"
He hesitated. Instinct warned him to stop her thoughts now, to use his power over her to silence this line of questions. But Shi Po had told him to reveal his secrets to Li Dee. She had said he would never find his way back to the middle path unless he did. And so he remained silent, letting Li Dee find him.
"Would you have done well on the test?"
He could not look at her when he spoke. "I was an indifferent scholar at best. I would have done as badly as Zhao Gao."
"So you didn't take the test, and now the shop isn't doing well?"
He shook his head, unable to answer.
"Is that under your control? Or your father's?"
"My father injured his back... some time ago. It still pains him to walk. I have been in exclusive charge of the shop now for two years."
He was unable to keep his gaze from hers as she nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Your control then. Except it isn't doing so well." Her gaze slid to the floor where he had so recently released his seed. "And even this Taoist middle path of yours isn't working out so great."
Spoken so baldly like that—especially in English, the language of the barbarians—made Ru Shan's temper rise. He could not even blame it on his yang. It was his pride that was pricked, and it made him push her forward, away from him.
"I grow tired of this," he snapped. But she would not stop.
"And I grow tired of waiting for you to realize that I am as smart, as capable as any Chinese woman."
"Moreso," he admitted before he had the chance to stop himself.
"And do your countrymen keep Chinese women as pets? Locked in their rooms, never able to leave?"
"You are fed, you have clothing. It is more than many of my countrymen."
