Even in the face of all the pain they’d seen at the hospital, there was Christmas joy to share.
After half an hour, the carolers broke up into smaller groups and visited residents who couldn’t leave their rooms. Lily and Carson ended up together—okay, because he angled for it—visiting several patients too ill for the children’s noise and energy. They took turns reading the Bible and praying with individual residents, and it occurred to Carson: Lily was someone he’d like to minister with. She was so calm, so attuned to the needs of others.
As they strolled out into the hall, now quiet and deserted, he put a hand on Lily’s arm. When she turned, her face was bright, her eyes aware. And he’d never seen anyone more beautiful.
He felt such warmth, for his girls and for Lily, too. He didn’t know what to do with all his feelings.
“I know you were Pam’s friend,” he said, “but I’m starting to see you as more. That was...” He gestured back toward the rooms they’d visited. “That was good to do with you.”
Her cheeks went pink and she nodded. “I liked it, too.”
He glanced up and down the deserted hall and then turned toward her, taking her face into his hands. “A Christmas kiss?” he asked.
She didn’t refuse. Her eyes shone like jewels as she looked up at him.
He drew her close and kissed her.
Chapter Seven
The nursing home sounds, the realization that it was Christmas, thoughts of the twins...everything faded away as Carson kissed her. Lily’s heart pounded as the feelings swept and swirled inside her.
After an hours-long moment, he held her shoulders, lifted his lips from hers and touched her face with one finger, his warm, kind eyes just inches away from hers. “Ah, Lily,” he said. “Lily, what have you done to me?”
Her lips curved into a smile as she savored the tenderness between them. No thoughts, just warm feelings. So this was what people wrote songs about; this was what made the music swell in romantic movies. “I don’t take credit. It’s you doing this to me.”
At the end of the hall, the clink of a cart and a staff member’s cheery greeting at the door of a resident’s room alerted them that they weren’t alone anymore. Carson took a step back. “I hope that was okay,” he said, his eyes still intent on hers. “It was more than okay with me.”
Lily’s breath felt shallow, and her heart pounded out a jazzy rhythm. How was she supposed to answer his question? And yet the kiss had been wonderful, and she wanted him to know it. She let herself nod, let herself smile.
His eyes flickered down to her lips, and she drew in a breath. This was happening fast.
Too fast. She drew in another breath as reality pushed back in.
This was Pam’s husband. Lily didn’t deserve to enjoy his kiss.
Confusion washed over her. She didn’t want to even think about what it all meant, but she knew she’d have to. “We should find the others,” she murmured.
“We should.” He draped an arm around her shoulders as they turned toward the lobby, and again Lily’s breath caught.
Being close to Carson felt like the fulfillment of every romantic dream she’d ever had. She let herself lean into him, relishing the heartfelt emotions swimming through her.
And yet. And yet.
She couldn’t let herself forget that this was Pam’s husband. Pam was dead, but she, Lily, had to keep Pam’s secret so as not to hurt Carson and the twins.
“Are you okay?” he persisted, his breath warm on her ear.
“I...I guess so, but...I have to think about all of it.” She glanced up at him. “I’m not sure it’s a smart thing, letting in those feelings.”
His face seemed to fall. He straightened, putting distance between them. “That’s wise. I should think, too. I’m supposed to be counseling you, not kissing you.”
She stared. “Counseling me? Why?”
“Because Penny wanted me to...” He broke off.
She stopped and turned to face him. “Penny wanted you to what?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s nothing. Just...get to know you. Befriend you, and see if there was anything I could do to help you.”
She put a hand on her hip. “Did that include kissing me?” But almost immediately, her indignation turned into embarrassment. It was like that time when the teacher in her new fifth-grade class had assigned two girls to “make Lily feel at home.” Forced friendships hadn’t worked then, and they didn’t work now.
“Hey.” They were almost to the lobby now, the sound of voices and music penetrating the private space they’d been in. “What rabbit hole are you going down?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“It’s what I said, isn’t it?” He smacked his own forehead. “What a smooth operator I am, huh? I kiss this beautiful woman, and it doesn’t take but five minutes before she’s wishing she’d never met me.”
He was being funny, self-deprecating, but it almost sounded like he believed his own story. That couldn’t be, though, could it? Surely Carson had confidence in himself, as attractive and charming as he was.
“I didn’t kiss you because of what Penny asked me to do,” he said. “That was my very own idea. Maybe not a wise one, in retrospect, but I can’t say I regret it.”
They were about to walk into the lobby, and she turned to him, putting a hand on his arm to stop his forward movement. “Look, Carson...that was lovely, but...you’re right, it probably wasn’t wise. We should go home as soon as we can, and maybe keep a little distance.”
So I don’t blurt out the truth to you.
His lips pressed together, and his posture stiffened. “You’re still doing the rest of our photography session tomorrow?”
Oh, no. She’d forgotten about that obligation. “Right,” she said. “It shouldn’t take long, and then...”
“And then you’ll pull away again?” He leaned closer. “Lily, I’m sorry if I wasn’t as smooth as I should have been, and I’m really sorry if I’ve in some way offended you or hurt your feelings. That’s the last thing I want. But—”
“Daddy!”
“Miss Lily!”
The twins came running and flung themselves on Lily and Carson, practically quivering with excitement.
“Come see our craft we made!” Sunny begged, tugging at Lily. “I made one for Daddy, and Skye made one for you.”
Lily’s heart seemed to swell inside her chest as she let Sunny tug her over to a low table. On it, reindeer made of Popsicle sticks and glitter sat drying.
Conflicting emotions flooded Lily’s consciousness.
She wanted this. Wanted the excited kids and the messy crafts and the handsome man who cared for her.
But she didn’t deserve it. All of this was Pam’s, not hers. And if Pam couldn’t have it, then no way should Lily. She needed to back off. For her own sake, for Carson and for the girls.
It would be a whole lot easier if she didn’t have a photo shoot with them tomorrow.
* * *
The next morning, after she’d procrastinated by cleaning her already immaculate cabin and checking her email and social media multiple times, Lily gathered her photography equipment and headed over to Carson’s cabin.
Her nerve almost faltered on the way there.
She’d spent the night tossing and turning, thinking alternately about how wonderful it had been to kiss Carson and how weak and vulnerable she’d felt afterward. Especially when she’d learned that Penny had asked him to check on her and counsel her.
Carson was the kind type and would do his duty by anyone in need. No, he wouldn’t consciously decide to romance the lonely female veteran next door, but on some level, maybe that was what he had had in mind.
How humiliating. Best to get this photo shoot done and over and hurry on out of there. Protect herself. Stay in her cabin and with the dog
s and refocus on why she was here.
And the reason for that had changed. She knew, now, that Pam had been wrong about Carson, that he was a wonderful father for his girls.
Which made Lily’s unhappy knowledge about Pam’s last days even worse. Hurting someone like Carson seemed unforgivable. She couldn’t let it happen. She couldn’t let the little family get any more embedded in her heart.
She had just one more obligation: a photo shoot with them as a way of paying her rent.
She needed to make more progress on her senior project. She was here to photograph dogs, not kiss a man.
That was what men and romance could do to a woman—take her off course. Make her dependent and weak, as her mother had been.
Carson opened the door, dressed in a flannel shirt and jeans, and the circles under his eyes suggested he hadn’t slept any better than she had.
But they didn’t detract from his rugged good looks. Her mouth felt too dry to speak.
“Let me help you,” he said, immediately reaching for her things. “I would have carried that stuff over here.”
She shrugged but handed him her lighting screen and lens bag. Then she followed him inside, where a delicious bacon smell and two pajama-clad little girls drew her like a magnet.
The twins jumped up and hugged her, their warm, sticky hands clutching, their faces bright. Then they both let go and settled back down to their bacon and pancakes.
She’d interrupted their breakfast, which made her feel awkward and out of place. “I’m sorry,” she said to Carson. “I can see you’ve been sleeping in. I should have texted first. We can wait until later. I thought, with little ones...”
“That we’d be up early? Usually, yes, but yesterday was pretty busy and a late night. Want some breakfast?”
“No, it’s okay,” she said, watching Sunny pour an excessive amount of syrup over her flapjacks, turning the butter into a cloudy pool.
“Are you sure?” He lifted an eyebrow, his lips quirking into a smile. “I’m not exactly a master chef, but I do good pancakes.”
“They’re supergood,” Sunny said through a big mouthful.
“Sunny. Manners.” Carson’s correction was gentle, tinged with laughter.
And that was the problem with Carson and his girls—they were impossibly tempting. “All right, you talked me into it. I’ll have a plate. Everything looks and smells so good.”
“Right here.” Skye patted the chair beside her.
And just like that, she was a part of the family again.
The problem being, that was exactly what she shouldn’t be. And a sleepy, stubbly Carson who’d kissed her like he meant it last night was hard for her to resist.
Not to mention his adorable girls, whom she was coming to care for more with every hour she spent with them.
Not good.
Carson handed her a plate and then leaned back against the counter, forking a hand through his hair in what she was starting to realize was a habitual gesture. Possibly a sign he was stressed.
“Aren’t you eating?” she asked him.
He shook his head. “I will later. I like to get the girls fed and settled first.”
And get chores like me out of your way. “I was thinking—oh, wow, this is so good—anyway, I was thinking we could do a few shots in front of the fire, and some others by the Christmas tree. It shouldn’t take long.”
“Should we wear our Christmas dresses?” Skye asked.
“Hmm.” Little girls in fancy dresses were always adorable. “What do you think, Dad? Do you want casual family photos or dressed-up ones?”
Instead of answering, Carson went over to the Christmas tree and pulled off an ornament. He showed it to her. “That’s the last family photo we had made,” he said. “It’s a little, I don’t know, stiff?”
Lily studied it while her heart pounded. Carson, Pam and the twins as babies. Their pose was definitely artificial, with Pam leaning forward behind a seated Carson while the twins sat, each on a knee.
But Pam was smiling with what looked like real happiness. So was Carson.
The photo nagged, pounding in her own role in Pam’s death, a role she was too cowardly to describe to Carson—especially when it would mean causing pain to him and the girls. “You want something more laid-back?” Her voice sounded breathless.
“I think so,” Carson said as he began carrying empty plates to the sink. “We’re really not a dress-up kind of family. Even at church, most weeks, the girls go casual. I do, myself, when I can get away with it.”
The twins were conferring. “We want to wear our dresses,” Sunny announced. “Please, Daddy?”
“How about a compromise?” Lily pushed back one of Sunny’s stray curls, and when the little girl let her face linger in Lily’s hand, leaning against her, Lily gave her a little hug before letting go.
These girls needed mothering, badly.
Or maybe it was Lily who needed to mother. “Let’s do casual pajama pictures by the Christmas tree, and then some fancy ones by the fire.”
“But Daddy’s not wearing his pajamas,” Skye objected.
Lily glanced at Carson, who was busying himself at the sink, and saw color rise up his neck. “I think daddies can just wear jeans and a shirt,” she said quickly. The last thing she needed was for Carson to change into pajamas.
That, she definitely couldn’t handle.
“And he could put his bathrobe on over them. That’s what he does when it’s cold, anyway.”
“Perfect.” Lily helped wipe the twins’ faces and brushed their hair while Carson fetched a robe and straightened up around the small tree. Lily set up several shots and asked them to talk to each other naturally, which they mostly did, although Sunny kept mugging for the camera with a big fake smile.
Finally, Lily got one shot with both girls looking up adoringly at Carson and knew it was perfect.
“Okay, next the fancy ones.” She wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, because watching Carson and the girls through the camera lens, seeing the kind of family she’d always dreamed of—and the family Pam should still be a part of—simply hurt too much.
“Will you come help us change?” Skye asked, leaning against her.
“Yeah, will you?” Sunny ran over and started tugging at Lily’s hand, nearly knocking her camera to the floor.
Carson frowned. “I’ll help. Leave Miss Lily be.” Setting boundaries, obviously. He was the daddy. She was just the visiting photographer.
The twins seemed to recognize that he wasn’t kidding, because they moved away from Lily and followed him up to the sleeping loft without a backward glance.
And that was as it should be. They were the family, and she wasn’t. The sounds of the girls giggling and Carson’s deep baritone in response, scolding and laughing, were not for her.
She breathed deeply and focused on the artistry of light and filters and angles, and by the time they came down, she’d arranged rugs and logs and a wooden chair in front of the fire, making a cozy background.
It took only a few minutes to get all of them smiling and being their attractive selves, especially when Lily thought of silly questions to ask them or told them to think about their favorite Christmas memories and share them. All three visibly relaxed, and Lily felt accomplished, pleased that she was able to capture their good looks and love for one another.
“That’s it,” she said, “unless you can think of another angle or pose.”
She was talking to Carson, but Sunny answered. “Now you should be in the picture,” she said, coming over to stand beside Lily.
“No, honey.” Lily patted Sunny’s shoulder and then refocused on the meters on her camera to avoid looking at anyone. “I have to take the pictures, not be in them.”
“Can’t you set a timer like our teacher does?” Skye was beside her now, too. “We
really want you to be in the picture!”
Lily looked over at Carson and saw the same concern in his eyes that she was feeling. The girls were getting too attached to her, if they were trying to include her in a family photo again today. And the trouble was, she felt the same way about them. Combine that with the fact that Lily herself was getting pretty attached to Carson, especially after kissing him, and they were creating a recipe for disaster.
“No,” she said, without being able to think of an excuse. “I can’t. I’d better not. Your pictures are best with just you and your daddy.”
Big tears welled up in Skye’s eyes. “Don’t you like us?”
“Of course I do!” Lily knelt and embraced both girls. “You’re great girls, and I like you a lot. It’s just that today we’re doing family pictures. And I’m your friend, but I’m not in your family.”
Carson cleared his throat. “I’ll take a picture of you three on my phone,” he said. “There’s no reason you girls can’t have a Christmas-tree picture with your new friend Miss Lily, too.” He looked at her, concern creasing his brow. “Unless she doesn’t want that.”
Oh, boy. They were walking on eggshells here. “I’d love to have another picture with the girls.” And she would. She would treasure it, always remembering this Christmas on the ranch and the feeling of belonging she had gotten here, however briefly.
So she lifted her face and tucked a girl under each arm and they all smiled for the camera, and Carson took several pictures. And Lily tried not to pretend that they were her girls, and Carson was her husband, and they’d spend the future together as a family.
When he was done, the girls both hugged Lily tight, and her eyes got a little teary. “I’d better go,” she said. Even as she started to gather her equipment, she felt her heart sink. Maybe this was the last time she would see Carson and the girls. They had had this excuse to be together, but it was over. Soon, they would leave the ranch and go back to their normal lives in Esperanza Springs. And Lily would go back to her normal life. She’d finish her degree, as planned, and then go live...somewhere. Wherever the road took her; wherever she could find a job.
The Twins' Family Christmas Page 9
