by Ronie Kendig
“She’s still grieving you.”
Guilt choked him. He straightened, but couldn’t dislodge the bitter truth of deception from his throat. “It was better this way.”
“Believing you’re dead? No, that’s not better.”
“You don’t understand—”
“You’re right.” Her words were edged in hurt, but were also soft. Haven was always soft. Everything about her. “Maybe someday you can help both of us understand.”
Tox shook his head. “I can’t go back home.”
“Because of your deal?”
After an almost imperceptible nod, he cleared his throat. Had to get out of this quagmire of the past. “Look, I just—”
Her touch was light against his hand. Warm. Her hands were small and porcelain against his tanned and bloodied knuckles. Fire shot through his gut as she gently traced the scabbed spot. “Your mom saw worse than this from you, and she still loves you.”
Tox stilled. She meant the trial, imprisonment. He swept his thumb over hers. For a split-second, entertained something he shouldn’t. Especially when she leaned into him. She was smart, beautiful, connected to the world he couldn’t be a part of. Sweet. Innocent. Beautiful. Those green eyes of hers had telegraphed her attraction when she was twelve. And still did.
“I know what you want, Haven.”
He heard her quiet intake of air. Noticed how her palms grew warmer, sweaty. Again, he traced the smooth spot between her thumb and finger. A scrape on her skin snapped him back to reality. To what had happened to her now that she was in his world. She’d been captured, beaten.
“But I can’t.”
“Why?”
He lifted her hand, set it back on her knee, and held it there. “I’m . . .” Tox pushed away from her, ignoring the raw ache to stay and talk. To catch up. On his feet, he forced his gaze to the warehouse. To the others pretending they hadn’t noticed him talking to her. “I’m no good for you.”
Haven stood. “You can’t look me in the eye? Say it to my face?”
Tox stopped, knowing what had happened the last time he’d done that. He already had one Linwood death hanging over him. He wouldn’t risk hers, too.
Haven stepped forward and caught his arm. “I want to be your friend, Cole. Always have.”
He shook his head. “You’ve wanted more than that, Haven.” He looked down at her for several long seconds. “I see it in your eyes every time I look at you, especially now.”
Color stained her cheeks “Maybe,” she whispered, “but I have always been willing to simply be your friend. You just couldn’t see me or that.”
Couldn’t see her? How could he not? Even when she was twelve, she stood out. “I made a promise.” He gritted his teeth. “I won’t break it.”
“Promise?” She frowned. “To whom?”
“Brooke. I promised I’d protect you and Evie.”
She snorted. “Even dead, she haunts my steps.”
“She just wanted you safe.” And so did he. “Haven, I’ll just hurt you. There’s a reason they call me Toxic.”
“Cole is a man, a hero. A friend. Toxic is a choice.”
31
— Day 12 —
Jerusalem
Some people had emotional baggage. Cole Russell had an entire department store.
Anger clutched at Kasey, taunting her. Telling her he only saw her as trouble. Hugging herself, she sat on the edge of a cot across from Levi, who was stretched across it, his back propped against the cement wall. The swelling was pretty hideous, his blue eyes glinting beneath an angry reddish-purple knot.
Tzivia joined them, handing Levi an ice pack. “What’d you do to tick him off?”
Stunned at the woman’s directness, Kasey hesitated.
Levi’s hand stalled halfway toward the pack. Then he glared and snatched it. “Thanks.”
Tzivia grinned. “I’ve never seen him get ticked enough to do that.”
“And you’ve spent enough time with him to see him angry often?” Kasey hated the shrillness of her question.
Cell passed behind Tzivia. “Tox coldcocked him because Wallace left her alone when we were under attack.” He kept moving.
“Well, that was dumb.” Tzivia had the beauty typical of Israeli women—much like actresses Gal Gadot and Natalie Portman. In fact, she favored them right down to the dark hair, facial structure, beauty, and poise.
“No, it was strategy,” Kasey countered. “Together, if we were captured, we could’ve been used against each other. It made . . . it made sense to split up.”
Tzivia smirked at her, eyes dancing in some sort of victory. “Tox might not have punched him if you actually believed that.”
“Tox—Cole,” she corrected herself, “had no idea what I thought when he hit Levi.”
Tzivia’s eyes sparked. “I meant—if it’d truly been a good idea, then Tox wouldn’t have been angry. But it wasn’t. You were in trouble. He wasn’t there.” She bounced her head from side to side, then pointed at Levi. “Tox could’ve put his nose through his skull. Be thankful he didn’t.”
As she wandered off, Levi groaned and lay against the cot, the pack over the bridge of his nose. He let out a hissing breath.
Kasey’s heavy thoughts made it tough to cheer him up. She struggled around the weights anchoring her heart to the pit of her stomach. “I hate that our decision got you punched.”
“Don’t.” Levi dragged one leg up on the bunk, the other dangling off the edge.
She swung over and sat on the edge of his mattress, staring down at him, the blanket still squeezed between her hands. “How can you say that? Everyone thinks you’re this coward or something.”
“They’re right.” His puffy stare held her. “I shouldn’t have left you. Tox was right—he entrusted you to my care.”
She groaned. “Not you, too.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” Kasey frowned. Would she never be . . . enough?
“You okay?”
She managed a smile, cringing at the tug of pain in her lip. “Sure.” Knowing her actions weren’t convincing, she shrugged—an ache in her shoulder pushed a throb up the back of her skull—because she wasn’t up to dialoguing about the new hole in her heart. “Just tired.”
“Man, my head is pounding.” Levi downed two ibuprofen with a gulp from his bottled water. He closed his eyes.
“I’ll let you rest.”
He wrapped an arm around her waist. “Please . . . stay. Talk to me. The light hurts my eyes, but your voice is soothing.”
At least someone wanted her company.
“And . . . I am sorry, Kase, for leaving you.”
“That was our—”
“Let me apologize,” he said. “And I’m sorry for . . . being jealous. For arguing with you.”
“Jealous?”
“My eyes might be swollen shut, but I can see your feelings for him.”
Kasey swallowed, pained that her heart had not only been laid bare, but trampled. “He has only ever seen me as Brooke Linwood’s kid sister, and that’s all I’ll ever be to him.”
With his other arm propping his head, Levi kept his eyes closed. Maybe it wasn’t right to talk or mope about Cole to him. “I hate to say it—”
“What? That I’m stupidly naïve?”
Levi huffed. “You sell yourself short too often. No,” he said, his hand gently rubbing her back. “No, I think . . . I think he sees you as much more. A guy doesn’t lay another guy out over someone’s kid sister.”
Heart skipping a beat, Kasey turned and looked down at Levi, though he didn’t share his gaze with her. What was he saying? “I . . . I don’t understand.”
“Good.” He chuckled.
“No, tell me.”
He sighed. “He likes you—or at the very least, cares about you. A lot.”
She shook her head and settled back against his propped-up leg. “Only because he made my sister a promise to look out for me.” She patted his arm. “Get some rest.
It’s late.”
Kasey lay on her bunk and pulled the blanket over her shoulder, trying to shut out the body aches and the heartaches. Sleep snatched her quickly, shoving her into the darkness of her subconscious. Dreams filled with memories of Duarte and Brooke—even Evie—flitted and sparked. She snapped awake, the strange, somber glow of sunrise fighting through the grimy warehouse windows.
Kasey made her way to the bathrooms then showered. She felt refreshed when she emerged. Tzivia stood on the upper level at a filmy window, her arms wrapped around her waist. She looked . . . sad. The metal walkway clanged as she joined the Israeli beauty.
“‘One doesn’t go to Jerusalem, one returns to it.’”
Kasey hesitated, wondering if Tzivia thought she were someone else. But as she stood behind her, Kasey saw a spot had been cleaned in the filmy window that provided a view of the Old City. The rising sun bathed Tzivia’s olive skin and the city in a warm glow. Her still-damp hair hung straight and dark, almost black.
“‘That’s one of its mysteries.’” Taking in a long breath, Tzivia smiled at her. “Elie Wiesel said that. And it’s true. My parents grew up here, but I was young when we fled, so I don’t remember it. Yet . . .” With all five fingertips touching, she tapped her heart. “I remember it all. Here.” Her gaze roamed the white structures littering the hills and valleys. “I am home.”
Longing spiraled through Kasey. The words, the sentiment, the sincerity stirred a deep ache. Kasey’s own parents had been good parents. They’d loved and provided for her and seen to her education. They’d also tried to see to her relationships—naturally, she refused. But things were lavished on her as long as she stayed within the lines they’d drawn. Lines of cooperation. Lines of compliance to their well-laid plans for her life. Life as a senator or congressman’s wife.
Which she’d shattered when she chose Duarte. It was bad enough that she had dated someone with no wealth or notoriety. Then they discovered he was a Navy SEAL. The horror! But she still committed the unpardonable and married him.
Their support fell away and the distance grew. It wasn’t that they disapproved. But saying they approved would be going too far. Duarte had given her total acceptance, love, laughter—all without expectations. Then he left her.
“Tzi. Cortes.”
They both turned at the gruff voice of Ram carrying through the door to the balcony where they stood. “Breakfast. Day’s already running,” he said in a way that told them this wasn’t a choice.
“And it begins,” Tzivia muttered as she stepped after her brother, Kasey following. Dr. Cathey and Chiji were chatting animatedly as they waited near a table that held large aluminum trays of food.
Kasey slowed. Took in the view. It was odd, maybe even weird, to see Cole in a black shirt and jeans. Not geared up in camo and intensity. Here, talking with Ram, he seemed so . . . everyday.
But she knew the warrior within was never more than a blink away. That part never rested. She only had to remember the confrontation from the live feed.
As the others formed a line for the buffet, Kasey couldn’t help noticing how everyone paired up. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. Guys chatting and laughing. Camaraderie built though years of missions together. Tzivia had her brother, though they were sometimes like oil and water. Kasey started toward the table, but Dr. Cathey, engrossed in conversation with Chiji, stepped in her path, cutting her off. She said nothing but appreciated the apologetic look Chiji offered.
When Tzivia and Ram did the same, Kasey couldn’t help the grunt as she narrowly avoided a collision with Cell’s very full plate of food.
Cole shot a glance over his shoulder.
“You okay?” Levi guided her into line before him.
But her gaze had locked with Cole’s. “Fine.” She lifted a styrofoam plate and peered at the catered food.
Tzivia and her brother fell into quick, tense dialogue—in Hebrew. What didn’t they want everyone else to know?
Cole fell back, now just ahead of Kasey. He didn’t speak to her—probably wouldn’t after last night. It was all or nothing with Cole. Ahead of them, Chiji and Dr. Cathey moved through the line, scooping up food, hotly engaged in chatter that never stopped.
Levi’s phone rang. “Almstedt?” he said as he answered. He focused on his conversation, slowly drifting out of the line.
Kasey sighed, rubbing her temple.
“You look lost,” Cole said, lifting a spatula and sliding some sort of casserole onto his plate.
“Is that your way of saying I don’t belong here?”
“If I wanted to say that, I would have.”
Kasey swallowed.
They reached the end of the food line, grabbing bottles of orange juice and water. He nodded to the right and followed her to the tables where the others sat, already digging into their food.
With Ram and Tzivia still rattling in their native tongue, Kasey reached for a chair. So did Cole. The same one. She drew back and went for another, but Cole pulled the seat out and motioned her into it.
Surprised at his manners, she sat and thanked him—trying not to make a mountain out of this anthill. Or when he took the chair beside her and not the one next to Tzivia. That really gave her too much pleasure.
“Here,” Levi said, handing her a napkin out of the blue.
“Thanks.” Why did it feel like she had two guys fighting over her? That was . . . wishful thinking.
Ram folded his arms on the table and leaned closer. “It is said the prime minister has food from this restaurant”—he jabbed his fork at his plate—“catered in all the time.”
“If he liked it that much, he’d recruit the cook out from the place,” Tzivia said with a laugh.
“I don’t care what the prime minister eats,” Cell said. “Can we talk about the arrow?”
“SAARC assets secured it from us this morning.” Maangi threaded his fingers over his food. “They delivered it to a lab at the university, where they’ll analyze it.”
Ram had fallen into dialogue with his sister again, this time lifting a shoulder in a lazy shrug, nearly grinning. He seemed to take joy in annoying her.
Kasey focused on her food, not really sure what she was eating, except that it involved eggs and vegetables. How bad could it be?
“So, Cortes,” Ram said, suddenly propping himself forward. “You knew Tox while he was wet behind the ears, huh?”
Of its own will, her gaze slid to Cole, who scowled a warning at Ram. “I’m not sure Cole was ever wet behind the ears,” she said, alluding to the warrior spirit he’d always had, sure that was a safe enough answer. “But yes—I’ve known him for a while.”
“What was he like back then?” Tzivia’s brown eyes glinted with entirely too much amusement and interest.
The question, the probing intrigue that radiated through the group, made Kasey close the book on that part of her life. On the knowledge and experience of Cole Russell. Then guilt swarmed her, but she had reasons for not wanting to share those pages of her life: One, she didn’t want to embarrass him; two, it wasn’t her story to tell; and three, since it was something Tzivia didn’t know, Kasey wanted to keep that to herself. Guard it.
That was jealousy, Kasey knew. And she should feel bad. Maybe. But she didn’t.
Cole rapped his knuckles on the table. “Leave her alone.”
“Why?” Tzivia said with a chuckle. “What do you have to hide?”
“A lot, especially from you two.” He craned his neck to look around. “Don’t we have intel to work?”
“What do you mean, from us two?” Tzivia’s voice pitched, but she smiled and reached across the table for Kasey. “Tell us about him. Everything. Don’t leave anything out.”
An uncomfortable knot threaded through Kasey’s stomach. She shrugged, the knot tightening, annoyed because it seemed Tzivia wanted the dirt on Cole. “He wasn’t much different than now—intense but committed.”
Tzivia widened her eyes. Swallowed. “Committed?”
“Interesting,” Ram said.
“No, it’s not.” Cole’s tone severed any argument or persistence in pursuing this conversation.
Tzivia hunched her shoulders. “Tell us how you met your husband.”
Again, Kasey nearly choked. “How do you know about Duarte?”
Tzivia’s interest again had been sparked. “He was a Navy SEAL, right?” Dark brown bangs framed glittering eyes as she angled closer. “My roommate dated a SEAL once. It was the only time I was tempted to steal her boyfriend.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” Ram said.
“I said almost.” Her laughter carried through the warehouse. “And don’t get all protective, big brother. You know I don’t date military.” But even as she said that, her eyes drifted to Cole.
“Duarte was a good man, right?” Cole’s question felt more like a challenge. As if he’d hurt Duarte if he wasn’t.
Water bottle in hand, Kasey hesitated with it halfway to her lips, then set it back down. Their love had been deep and true. The ache of his death still raw. “One of the best men I’ve ever known.”
Cole stared for a few seconds, then slowly nodded. “Never imagined you marrying military.”
You imagined anything about me? “He was gorgeous and had integrity that bled into everything, including his dedication to God, country, and to me.” She tried to hide the smile. “And he was everything my dad didn’t want.”
Cole laughed as he slouched back. “That sounds like you. Always bent on getting your dad riled.” He tipped his water bottle at her. “Haven wanted to go skydiving with me because her dad said it was too dangerous.”
No, I wanted to go because I would have been with you. “My dad coddled me. Wanted me to be a debutante like my sister and marry money or politics.”
“So you married a SEAL.” Ram guffawed. “Awesome.” He slapped Cole’s shoulder. “I like this girl.”
“Did you ever go skydiving with Cole?” Tzivia asked.
“No, not with Cole.” Kasey almost flinched when he shifted to her, and she realized she should’ve just left the last part off. She shrugged. “Duarte took me up on our second date.”
