by Dez Burke
There’s not a shred of tenderness left in his voice. As we put our clothes back on in silence I wonder if there never was any. Probably not. It was all an illusion. I only heard what I wanted to hear.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Getting back to work has done me a world of good, first because I'm a social animal and a team player. Staying at home with my mother was getting to me. Being part of a crew cheers me up. It took me all of one shift to realize my new boss was a strange character with unpredictable mood swings. Since no one ever knows when or why lightning's going to strike, the entire staff are really tight-knit. They all have each other's back. Whereas Lyv creates solidarity by creating a pleasant work atmosphere, this man does it by being the common enemy. I miss Lyv, and I miss New York, but I make do.
The other benefit of the work—aside from the money, which is not bad—is that when I get home at night, I'm so tired I don't toss and turn anymore. When my head hits the pillow, I fall into instant oblivion. I still have dreams in which David is calling to me, but they're becoming less frequent. I wish the same was true about the dreams I have about Brian.
It's been a month since he brought me home from the MC house, and I haven't seen him since. I now see members of his MC everywhere, however. I'm not sure there are more of them around than before. It might just be one of those things that I've been told pregnant women experience all the time: the second they find out they're expecting, they see big round bellies all around. So maybe it's just a question of awareness. The Iron Tornadoes is an old MC. Chances are they've always been around town, but I never saw them before, because their presence had no meaning for me. Now I can't help but notice, since they're Brian's family now and I'm pretty sure they're associated with my brother's death. Also, I can recognize some of them.
I'm rolling my ride out of the garage when my mother catches up with me.
"Lisa, dear," she says as I put my small helmet on. "Since it's on your way to work, would you mind dropping this at the police station? Steven forgot his lunch when he left this morning."
Without waiting for my answer, she's already putting away a brown paper bag in my saddlebag.
"Sure, Mom." I wonder how Captain Williams will feel about having his lunch dropped off at the reception desk.
It's a short ride to the station. That's probably why my mother and the captain have decided that he will sell his home and move in with her when they're married. He proposed three weeks after David's funeral. I guess at their age, they feel there's no point in beating around the bush. Since my mother accepted, he's become a permanent fixture in our house. Watching my mother coming back to life is making him grow on me, but I'm still not comfortable around him. He's obviously not comfortable around me, either.
A few days ago, he asked me when I planned to return north.
"Not to rush you or chase you away," he explained. "It's just that we obviously can't do the wedding without you, so I want to get things organized before you fly back."
They've set the date for August first, and a few days later, I will return to school for my final year. I'm so glad he proposed before the law school administration had a chance to start preparing my transfer application.
Yeah, Captain Williams is not my favorite person, but he makes my mother happy, so I'll bring him lunch.
I leave the bike with the engine running and take the bag into the station. The morning shift staff are still on. Mike is manning the reception area.
"Hey, Mike. Your boss forgot his lunch in the fridge," I tell him with a wink.
He looks up at me with a big smile.
"Oh, good, maybe food will pacify him," he says, making a funny face. "It's been a horrible morning."
"Really?" Obviously, he's ready to burst. I'm sure he's so frustrated being stuck behind the desk that he needs to talk. Telling stories about his colleagues is the only way to vicariously become part of the action. I discreetly glance at my watch. I can spare him a few minutes and still get to work in time.
"Come on, tell me. You're such a great storyteller," I say. "It's a lot more exciting to hear stuff from you than from Captain Williams."
Comforted by the thought that I'm going to hear all about it in the evening from his boss, Mike starts talking.
"Last night we got word that the Iron Tornadoes know they've been infiltrated by an undercover cop, while we've just found out they have one of our own on the take," he whispers. "The task force have been called in for a special meeting with IA. Given the leaked intel, the corrupted cop is one of them. There were not so many people who new about the undercover assignment. Let me tell you, today I'm really happy to be down here. Heads are gonna roll, so I'm keeping mine very low."
"That's very wise," I tell him.
"And of course you didn't hear anything from me," Mike says as the door opens behind me.
"What didn't you tell her?" asks a voice behind me. It's Everest. I haven't seen or heard from him since the rock festival day. It's good I've never fancied myself as a damsel in distress because he's just as fickle a prince as Brian.
Mike turns beet red.
"How many roses the captain ordered for my mom," I answer. I have no qualms about lying—I can make up stuff anytime. It comes spontaneously to me. "Not that it's any of your business anyway."
I turn my back to Everest and step toward the door.
"As always, it was fun talking to you, Mike."
Everest follows me outside. "Lisa, wait," he says.
I don't. I take a few steps and get on my bike. He's yet to begin saying something, so I raise my eyebrows. "What do you want?"
"I wanted to explain, you know...”
I watch him shifting his weight from one leg to the other, looking for words. I don't have time for his crap. If I wait for him to start talking, I'm going to be late for work.
"Yeah, right. Don't worry about it. It's not as if you'd promised me anything. I've got to get to work."
While I drive away, a smile creeps across my face, because thanks to Mike, the world looks a bit brighter today. My mind is on a "what if" rampage, and I'm loving it.
For a moment I will allow myself to dream: What if Brian has never been kicked out of the police academy? What if he's been recruited to participate in this operation before graduation? What if he's the undercover agent with the Iron Tornadoes?
Without a full-face crash helmet, one can't ride and smile—there are way too many bugs for that in Florida!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Everything is beautiful. I have to hand it to Captain "what will it take for you to call me Steven" Williams—he knows how to get things organized. He's rented this beautiful pavilion in a posh golf club, and it's very tastefully decorated.
Chairs have been set up on the grass. The front row is occupied by Captain Williams's sister and her kids, on one side, and by Aunt Nancy and me, on the other side. Behind us sit many police officers in full uniform. I see Catherine and Thomas, as well as Mike and a few other familiar faces. No Everest. I'm sure of it, because he's so much taller than everyone else that there's no way to miss him when he's around.
Captain Williams is standing under a flower-covered arch, and one of his judge friends is next to him. I'm not sure if he's acting as best man or witness, but he's standing very erect. He's stiff, as if he's swallowed an umbrella. The music starts, and we all turn to look behind us.
My mother is walking down the aisle on Uncle Tony's arm. Am I the only one who realizes how weird this is? She's being brought to her husband-to-be by the twin brother of her deceased spouse. I'm watching my father's double giving my mother away to another man. I wish David were here to share the strangeness of the moment with me. I turn around to look at Aunt Nancy, and even though she's smiling, I see tears pooling in her eyes. Nancy looks happy for my mother, but there's something missing. Since David's death, something has broken in her. It's as if all her energy and joy had been transferred to my mother.
I reach out for her hand, and she holds on to mine
. I wish I knew how to comfort her. I want to tell her about my suspicion, but I can't.
First of all, I'm not sure that Brian is the undercover cop that has infiltrated the MC. Since I spoke to Mike, I've read in the papers that there have been some arrests, but I haven't had any opportunity to get more information out of anyone. Captain Williams has erected a Chinese wall between the police station and my home. He never talks business at all.
Second, if it's true that Brian is undercover, telling Nancy would be putting him in danger. She's been carrying so much shame and guilt on her shoulders that nothing would prevent her from going around hinting to anybody who would listen that her boy hasn't really turned bad. Obviously, I can't let that happen.
So I hold her hand until Uncle Tony comes to sit next to her and wrap a protective arm around her shoulders. I'm so glad he's supportive of her.
He's probably just as torn as she is.
The ceremony is short and sweet. The groom gets to kiss the bride, and I have to look away. The very fact that I'm here testifies to the fact that my mother is a sexual being, but that's something I don't like being reminded of. Her passionate kissing of Captain Williams is way too much for me. As everyone stands, applauds, and lines up to offer the new couple congratulations, I make a run for it. I enter the clubhouse and bump into Everest. He does look dashing in his uniform. Did I just think dashing? It's such a Gone with the Wind type of word, but it's fitting.
"You don't enjoy the crowd, or you're unhappy with the entire event?" Everest asks as he catches me.
"Neither," I say. "I'm uncomfortable with public displays of affection."
"Wanna talk?" he says.
"With you? Not really," I snap back.
Actually I would. I would like him to tell me why he didn’t try to see me after he let me go with Brian. I want to know why he didn’t even check to see if I was okay.
I’m conflicted about him. I didn’t want to string him along and yet I feel hurt that he gave up on me so easily.
My bark doesn’t scare him because he says, "Well, I'd like to talk to you—can you give me two minutes?"
Without waiting for my answer, he takes me by the elbow to the corner of the reception room farthest away from the garden doors. I sit at one corner of a table and he takes the chair next to mine.
"I really like you," he says.
He stays silent while I look around and see that he's got me cornered between the wall, the table, and him. I look back at him without saying anything. It's probably what he was waiting for, because he continues.
"I really like you," he repeats, "but I understand you have unfinished business with someone else."
Since I don't owe him an explanation, and he's not even asking a question, I just stare at him, waiting for him to continue.
"I know you're going back to finish your last year of law school, and you won't be back before next June to take the Florida bar." So much for the Chinese wall of Captain Williams—obviously home intel makes its way to the office. "So what I really want to tell you is that I'll still be around when you come back, and if by then you know where you're at, I would be happy to spend more time with you."
He's got the kindest eyes and the sweetest sad smile. It wouldn't be hard to fall for such a nice guy.
Yeah, but he's right; I have unfinished business with Brian, and one way or another, I need to find closure.
I remain silent as I don’t know what to say.
He gets up, pushes his chair back in, and then leans over to press his lips on my forehead.
"Goodbye, little one. I'll see you next spring," he says as he turns toward the bride and groom, who are now entering the room.
I watch him salute my mother and then Captain Williams. As Everest makes a discreet exit, I join the new couple and hug my mother. "I'm so happy for you," I tell her.
I turn to the man who is now my stepfather and add, "And for you, too, Steven."
The smile on his face shows me that he takes my finally calling him by his first name as a victory and he's right. It means I'll be giving him a fair chance. I truly wish for them to be happy.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The newlyweds have fled to Paris. Captain Williams—I need to remember to call him Steven—is making my mother's dearest wish come true.
Tomorrow I'll be closing the house and going back to New York. I'll have a couple of weeks to work full time at the restaurant before classes start again. There's a new dorm room waiting for me, and a final year of study. In the spring, I'll come home to take the Florida bar and finally become a lawyer.
Coming out of the shower, I go to my brother's room. It will be turned into an office for my stepfather by the time I come back. The dirty laundry hamper is empty. David's clothes are neatly folded on the shelves. My mother must have done it by force of habit. She's also changed the sheets. I hug his pillow, but the only thing I smell now is laundry detergent. I put the pillow back and pick up two of David's largest T-shirts. I will keep them and sleep in them. Is that morbid? I'd like to think it's not. I undress and slip into one. I also take his leather jacket from a hanger in his closet, and I bring it to my room and lie down on my bed using it as a cover.
I close my eyes and imagine that I hear him coming home and calling out for me... and it's déjà vu all over again, because I do hear steps on the stairs. I open my eyes, and Brian's at my door.
"I came to say goodbye," he says softly.
"How do you know I'm leaving tomorrow?" I ask.
"I have my sources," he tells me as he takes two steps forward and kneels by my bed. He takes David's jacket away from my shoulder and puts it on my desk behind him. I can see the sadness in his eyes as he does.
"I know you miss him, too," I say. "But I'm no longer mad at you. I think I know what you're doing." He looks at me as if he has no idea what I'm talking about. "You were never kicked out of the academy. You're undercover for the task force. Right?"
He smiles. "You're partially right. I didn't get kicked out; I quit. However, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a member of the task force."
"I understand that there are things you cannot possibly tell me," I say. "But I need you to talk to me."
He gets up, and for a second, I think he's going to walk out the door but he doesn't. He kicks off his boots and removes his jacket. I scoot over against the wall to make room for him.
He lies down next to me and wraps his arms around me. My head rests on his strong shoulder and my hand on his heart. Its steady rhythm soothes me. I'm content just to be with him.
"There's so many things I would like to be able to tell you," he says after a little while, nuzzling my hair.
I send him a silent prayer. Come on, baby, open up a bit and let me in.
"The Iron Tornadoes are my family, too. I hate that Mom and Tony can't get that. I hope you will. When you come back... I'll be able to explain why."
"I can't wait that long," I say and sigh as I pull his T-shirt over his head.
"Yes, you can," he says, rolling on his side to face me and removing David's long T-shirt that I had just put on. "You've waited for me for so long already; a few months won't make that much of a difference."
I can't help but laugh at the self-confidence he's showing.
"What makes you think I waited for you? Did you ever consider the possibility that I just didn't have the time for a relationship and that as soon as I'm done with law school I'll go on a rampage?"
"Nah," he says. He kisses me, and I know it's true. I've never wanted anyone else but him.
The only other man that ever appeared on my radar is sweet Everest.
Brian pulls his lips away from mine and adds, his tone tender and possessive, "You're mine, and that's all there is to it."
I'm not sure how I feel about his arrogance.
"What about you?" I ask.
"Well, it's a bit different..."
"Oh please, don't give me the old 'men have different needs' line, because they don't," I say, cutting
him short.
"That's not what I meant to say," he explains. "What I meant is that I knew I was coming back home and back to you, but we hadn't promised each other anything, so..." His first words made my head spin, and he kisses me again, and it's clear—I don't care who he's been with as long as he's with me now.
"I've got to admit I'm kind of glad you experimented," I say, as his hands deftly do away with the rest of his clothes.
"And I'm delighted you didn't," he says. "See, it worked out perfectly, baby. I know who I am now. I know what I am and what I want. There are many things I want to do with you, and the idea that I will be the only one ever to do them just blows my mind. I promise you will never regret it."
"You have a few hours to start your demonstration, professor," I say with a husky voice I barely recognize as mine. "I think you'd better get started now, because this will have to keep both of us sated for many months."
And he does get started and shows me how amazingly reactive my entire body is to his touch. There isn't a part of me that he doesn't explore with his hands. His lips burn my neck and torture my breast. I never want this night to end; I'm in heaven, and I don't want to leave. Just when I think it can't be any more perfect, he whispers in my ear.
"You know you are mine, right?" And my universe bursts with millions of bubbles of happiness because I’m certain what he means is that he loves me.
As I fall asleep in his arms for the first time, I know that I've closed the first book of my life. David's death made its end very sad, but the time for sorrow will soon be over. It's time for the second book. I adore its first chapter; I can't wait to discover the next ones.
Tonight I had my first glimpse of what the rest of the nights of my life could be like when I come back.
About the Author: Olivia Rigal
Born in Manhattan, Olivia Rigal spent her youth going back and forth between the United States and France.
She lived and studied law in both countries.
