by Liz Maccie
“Barry tells jokes that aren’t funny. Like all the time. And my mom always laughs. And she told me that I needed to laugh, too. But I don’t. I guess on purpose. Barry has a beard. And he smells like cigarettes. The smoke gets trapped in his beard. It’s disgusting. He smokes a lot. Camel lights, I think.
“On Saturday morning, I was in my room when I heard him and my mother having sex. I just sat there thinking how much I hated her. And how much I wished I had a different family. I decided to go out to the pool in my favorite orange bikini. I secretly brought an entire pint glass full of Jack Daniels on the rocks. I was reading Vogue magazine, looking at the models, thinking it might be fun to cut all my hair off and dye it black, when Barry appeared and sat down next to me.
“He was sort of quiet at first. But I could feel him looking at me. I tried to keep reading, but then he offered me a joint. My brother smokes pot a lot, but I never had. I said okay. He taught me how and I took a hit.
“I started to feel really light-headed and dizzy and nauseous. I thought I might have to throw up, but Barry assured me I was fine. And then he said something…he said that he thought I looked sexy in my bikini. And I know this is bad, but it made me feel good. Like for the first time, someone was actually paying attention to me. He told me how much he wanted to take a picture of me. Just one picture. So I said okay and he brought me into the pool house.
“When he closed the door, he asked me if I would take my top off for the picture, that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but he thought it would make it even better. So I slowly undid my top and let it fall to the floor. He seemed so happy, like I had done something really good, so I let him take a couple pictures of me with his iPhone. And then, I don’t know why, but I took his hand and put it on my chest.
“He leaned in and pressed his mouth against mine. He tasted like an ashtray. His beard felt scratchy, like sandpaper against my face. He whispered into my ear that I was beautiful. And I decided to believe him.
“He kissed me some more and told me that he wanted to be my first. That he would be gentle and he would promise not to hurt me. That he would love me the way I deserved to be loved.
“He carried me to the couch and slid off my bottoms and I felt very numb, like I was looking down at my body from the ceiling. He took off his pants and started to touch me. I remember wondering if this was what it felt like to be loved. And that made me sad. Because it didn’t feel good. So I started to cry.
“He stopped right away and tried to calm me down, begging me not to tell my mother. And I just kept crying. I couldn’t stop. He started to freak out and apologize and begged me to forgive him.
“Then he handed me my bikini back. And pulled up his pants. He promised me that this would never happen again, and he told me that he loved my mother and wanted to marry her. And that he wanted to be my stepdad, so I couldn’t tell anyone about what happened. I promised him that it would be our secret.
“I felt fine most of the week, I really did, but what’s been fucking me up is that the last couple of days, I’ve actually been going down to the pool in my orange bikini, hoping Barry would come meet me again. Because it was the first time that anyone has ever made me feel wanted, and as bad as it felt, at least it was something.”
Annie looked up at me and Mervin.
“At least it was something.”
The World Shattered
5:42 p.m.
The dark clouds had moved far enough over to completely block the sun, causing a heavy shadow to engulf the raft. Annie sat as still as a statue, almost like she had stopped breathing.
I desperately wanted to say the right thing. To do the right thing, but I was at a loss for both.
Mervin was also frozen, not saying a word.
Annie took her empty peach iced tea bottle and hurled it into the water.
The wind picked up, really causing the water to lap up against the sides of the raft.
“Is he, is Barry still at your house?” I finally asked.
She didn’t answer.
“Yes…he is.” Mervin seemed like he was coming out of a trance. “I saw him today, this morning. He waved to me.”
Annie wouldn’t look at Mervin or me. I could tell she was trying not to cry.
Mervin spoke slowly and deliberately. “He’s…at your house…right now. That. Fucking. Asshole. He’s at your house right now…we have to do something!” Mervin grabbed an oar and started paddling.
Annie tackled him, almost capsizing the raft. “Mervin, stop! You promised me, you swore to God!”
“You made me swear to something that is totally unfair to make me swear to!” Mervin was practically in hysterics. “Please, this is, it’s too much, he’s a fucking pedophile, and he’s going to do this again; we have to get help!”
“I told you. Nobody can know. Nobody!” Tears began pouring down Annie’s face.
“Why?” he pleaded.
She didn’t answer.
“Why!”
“Because she’ll blame me! My mother will blame me!”
In that very moment, it felt like the world had shattered around us. Annie gasped to breathe as a heavy gust of wind forced some water into the raft and a small yet audible tremble of thunder filled the sky.
Annie was hysterical. “My mother will say it was my fault. She’ll take his side and say it was all my fault.”
Mervin wrapped his arms around Annie. It was obvious he knew that she was right.
“She’ll say that I asked for it. And she’s right, I did—”
“No, you didn’t, Annie! You’re just a kid; he’s a grown man!” Mervin said.
I felt a raindrop hit the back of my neck.
“He’s a predator and he stalked you and he gave you drugs, for fuck’s sake!” Mervin was losing it all over the place.
“Mervin’s right. This guy, what he did to you, it’s…it’s illegal. He did horrible things and none of it was your fault,” I so desperately wanted to help.
Annie finally looked up at me and Mervin. Her eyes were swollen with desperation. “I just want to die. I don’t want to live anymore. Just like Warren, I don’t want to live anymore. Everything just hurts too much. All the time.”
Mervin held on to her even tighter. “Please don’t say that. We’re your friends. We’ll help you.”
Another raindrop hit my forehead as a loud crackle of thunder burst through.
I inched forward. “Mervin’s right. Let us help you.”
Five more raindrops hit my face.
Annie looked up at the sky.
And it began to pour.
And when I say pour, I mean the sky cracking open, torrential kind of downpour.
“Oh shit!” Mervin screamed.
I yelled over him, “Mervin, quick, start paddling!”
The bottom of the raft began filling with water. Mervin and I paddled as fast as we could, but with the wind and the rain, we were hardly moving at all.
“It’s not working! Use your hands! Let’s use our hands!”
All of us leaned over and pushed through the water with our hands. A flash of lightning illuminated the dark sky, followed by a loud rumble of thunder. The rubber palm tree was violently bouncing back and forth with the force of the wind.
“Move faster!” I yelled.
But we weren’t making any progress. The wind bristled up even more violently, pelting the rain, which felt like hard bullets.
“You guys! Get ready to swim!” I called out. I realized there was simply no other way. But just as I said this, a piercing bright light cut through the rain and blinded me. Squinting, I could make out that the light was some kind of spotlight, coming from the top of a truck.
Through a bullhorn, we heard, “THIS IS THE POLICE! STOP WHERE YOU ARE! SLOWLY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!”
Another gust of wind caused the palm tree to completely topple over. Annie, Mervin, and I slowly lifted our hands in the air. The rain started to taper off a bit, and the dark clouds glided past the sun,
allowing its rays to spray over us. Then, as if it had all been some kind of practical joke, the rain trickled off to a complete stop.
We were drenched.
Our raft was almost sinking.
And our provisions were scattered all over the reservoir.
Two policemen hopped off the truck and grabbed a small row boat from their roof.
“This is so not good,” Mervin said.
The police officers threw the boat in the water and paddled toward us.
I moved my thick, wet hair out of my face.
Annie started to shiver.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Mervin said.
They were getting close.
“Oh God…” Mervin leaned over the raft and puked.
The police pulled up alongside us. One of them was fat and stout with rosy cheeks, and the other was skinny and tall with thin lips. Annie and I still had our hands up in the air.
“What the…you’re just a couple of kids,” Rosy Cheeks said.
Thin Lips put the bullhorn to his mouth and called back to another officer, who was still inside the police car. “It’s just a couple of kids!”
“What the hell are you doing out here?” Rosy Cheeks asked.
“Rafting,” I meekly offered.
“This is a public reservoir. People don’t go rafting on a public reservoir. Do you know it’s a federal offense to trespass?”
Mervin let out a small but audible whimper.
“Get in here. You kids are in some serious trouble,” Rosy barked. “The city’s going to have to dump all this water. Goddamn kids.”
Thin Lips reached out his hand and helped us each get into the rowboat. Our tropical island raft was almost completely deflated.
“For Christ’s sake, don’t you know someone died out here? What is wrong with you kids?” Rosy asked.
The three of us were silent. We all huddled close together for warmth.
Rosy shook his head and said to himself, “Goddamn kids. Screw up the taxpayers’ dollars like it’s nothing.” He turned to Thin Lips. “Get us back, will ya?”
Thin Lips obediently began rowing us back toward land. I looked out at our raft, empty iced tea bottles, and two oars, all bobbing in the water.
We were so screwed it wasn’t even funny.
And then, like a lightning bolt of pure brilliance, it came to me. I turned to Rosy. “Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to know Officer Tim Tarulli?”
Rosy Cheeks and Thin Lips quickly glanced at each other.
“Why? Do you know Officer Tarulli?” Rosy Cheeks rubbed his nose.
“Well, if you consider growing up together knowing each other.” I smiled. I wasn’t entirely sure what kind of reputation Tim had so far on the force, but he was my only shot at getting us out of this mess. “Do you think I could give him a call when we get to the car?”
Annie shot me a do-you-know-what-you’re-doing kind of look. I discreetly nodded to her.
“Why don’t I make the call for you?” Rosy said as he grabbed the bullhorn. “Hey, Tarulli! Get out of the car. This kid says she knows you!”
The backseat passenger side door flung open and Officer Tim Tarulli stepped out. And as loud as any human being could possibly be, he screamed, “Roberta Romano, is that you?”
Oh God, I was resting the fate of all our futures in the hands of a man who once farted into a plastic grocery bag and then tied it around my neck.
I leaned into the bullhorn, “Yes, Tim, I mean Officer Tim…it’s me.”
I Found What I Was Looking For
5:54 p.m.
Thin Lips put a lot of effort into rowing, but being that there were five of us, we weren’t moving very fast. I glanced over at Mervin. His glasses were fogged over and tilted to one side, and his hair was all messed up. I could see the bump from my tampon sticking out through the back of his sweater.
I changed my gaze to Annie. Her face was expressionless. Almost empty. I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened to her. My stomach felt sick. I so desperately wanted to make things better for her. I would first get us out of going to jail and then I would make things better for Annie. I wanted to go to her house and set that asshole Barry on fire. I wished I could just call my dad and let him take care of it. He always knew how to make things right, even when they seemed so bad.
A few years back, when I was still very heavy, there was a young guy that moved into our neighborhood. He was really friendly and in a matter of a week, he knew everyone’s name, including mine. The days I walked home from school, he would just appear and walk with me, all the way to my front door. Then he would leave.
One day, he brought me a chocolate bar. I remember it had nuts. I said I didn’t want it, but he gave it to me anyway. He told me how pretty I was, that I was the prettiest girl in the entire neighborhood, even in all of New Jersey.
I told him that I was done with the chocolate bar. When he took it from me, he didn’t let go for a few seconds. He rubbed his hand up my arm a little. “Your arms are so soft,” he told me.
When we got in front of my house, he asked me if I wanted to go meet his new puppy. I had never seen him with a puppy. “I haven’t given it a name yet. I thought you could help me.” He grabbed for my arm, but I backed away. He leaned forward and grabbed on to my shoulder, pulling me toward him. It hurt and I screamed, but he put his hand over my mouth. Just then, Anthony came outside, bouncing his basketball. The guy let me go and he ran away.
Later that night, I heard my mom and dad whispering in the kitchen about that guy down the block. It sounded like my mom was crying. The next day, my mother insisted that she drive me to school. She also insisted that she pick me up every day for the rest of the year. My dad went to confront the guy who gave me the chocolate bar, but he was nowhere to be found.
It had been all over the news that there was a little girl from Montclair who had been missing for ten days. There were pictures of her posted all over town, on trees, on the backs of people’s cars, and in store windows. The little girl’s mother even went on local TV, begging for her daughter’s safe return. On day twelve of the girl’s disappearance, the police finally found her. She was wrapped in a dirty pink cotton blanket in the basement of the guy who gave me the chocolate bar. I remember the yellow tape that surrounded his house when they carried her out.
My dad’s oldest friend Paulie Tuleski stopped by. Paulie sold TVs from the trunk of his car, ran football gambling pools, and wore lots of gold and patent leather. He handed my dad a sealed envelope. “It’s all in here,” he said.
The next day, my dad told me he had to go on a long delivery up to Canada and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back. He held me tight and kissed my forehead. “You’re my little girl, always my little girl.”
Two days later, the police arrested the guy who gave me the chocolate bar. He was found hiding out at a Best Western Motel off of Route 80. Apparently an anonymous civilian had tipped off the police as to his whereabouts. The next day, my dad returned home. When I asked why his job ended so early, he simply responded, “I found what I was looking for.”
The guy who gave me the chocolate bar was put on trial and sentenced to life in prison. It was never talked about, but I know that it was my dad who saved the day. I wanted him to make things right for Annie. The way he always did for me.
Annie looked over at me. I smiled back at her warmly. Letting her know that I hadn’t forgotten what happened to her.
We reached the shoreline, and Tim ran over to help pull the rowboat onto land. Unfortunately he didn’t calculate that massive rain and dirt equals mud. So he slipped, butt first, into a big pile of brown, runny muck.
“Tarulli, get your ass up!” Rosy Cheeks ordered.
But when Tim tried to get up, he slipped again.
“Goddamn it, I have to do everything myself.” Rosy Cheeks braced himself on the sides of the boat. His big butt was right in front of my face. He used Mervin’s head as leverage and pushed himself out of the rowboat and
directly into the same pile of mud as Tim.
Thin Lips quickly jumped to Rosy Cheek’s aid and also fell straight into the mud. Annie, Mervin, and I peered over the edge of the boat.
“I think this was an episode of The Three Stooges,” Mervin whispered.
Rosy Cheeks grabbed on to Thin Lip’s shoulder and pushed himself to standing on Tim’s back. Thin Lips and Tim both scrambled and stood up as well. All three of them were generously covered in globs of dirt.
“What are you kids staring at?” Thin Lips ordered.
They used their hands to wipe themselves off.
“Roberta, what the hell were you doing on a raft in the middle of the reservoir during a rainstorm?” Tim said, still trying to clean himself up.
“I was just listening to you.”
Rosy Cheeks shot Tim a suspicious look. Then Tim immediately passed the look on to me.
“You told me to make friends. So that’s what I did. These are my new friends.”
Gritting his teeth, Tim said, “I told you to not be such a pain in the ass that nobody likes!”
“I’ve had about enough of this,” Rosy said. “Tarulli, get the boat back up on the truck and you kids get in. You’ve already done enough damage today, screwing up the taxpayers’ dollars.” Rosy waddled toward the driver’s side, but then a thought occurred to him and he turned around. “Are you kids Meadowbrook kids?”
We all sheepishly nodded our heads yes.
“Well, well, well. I’m sure your fancy school is going to have a few things to say about this little escapade. Goddamn kids,” he said again under his breath.
Rosy Cheeks and Thin Lips got into the police truck and slammed the doors.
I looked at Tim with the best puppy dog eyes I had. “Tim, please…”
He shook his head. “Sorry, Roberta, you really screwed up this time—”
“Please,” I said again.
Beads of sweat formed across Tim’s forehead. I knew I had him.
