by Romi Hart
“How dare you! I was fighting for your honor.”
“What did Scott say to you?”
“You know what? It doesn’t matter,” Nate says, imploding inside and seeing red. “If you want that piece of shit so bad, you can go have him. Jesus, Amanda. I knew things would eventually fall to pieces but I didn’t think you’d stab me in the back within one day.”
“Listen you moron! I am not involved with Scott. At all! Whatever your delusional mind imagined is wrong. And god’s sakes, even if I was, what kind of a man just goes over and beats someone up for talking to his girl?”
His eyebrows furl and his whole face tenses up.
“No, Nate, you know what? I’ll tell you who does something like this. My ex. That’s exactly who would do something like this. And you just did the same thing.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nate grumbles. “You’re not making any sense.”
"NO, YOU are not making sense. God Nate…"
I finally break down crying—forgetting for a minute who I see in front of me. My ex or Nate. My past or my future. My sanity or my madness.
My tears give Nate pause and he listens. I can’t help but fly into a rage.
“I don’t care what Scott did or what my ex did. Or any of it. Just stop for a minute and ask yourself…why don’t you understand how humiliating this is for me? I had to go through hell when I was with that man. I went through hell! I suffered all of his abuse for a reason. So one day I would wise up and realize, NO, I don’t deserve this. I won’t be treated this way! This whole shit of a relationship that I wasted on that man was not about him, it was about my pain! My lesson to learn! I was not rescued by anyone, Nate, except myself! I saved me by leaving Rory’s ass. And it was after he pulled shit just like you did.”
Finally, Nate speaks up. "Who the hell is Rory? I thought we were talking about Scott?"
I stare at him in confusion, then disbelief. “You thought Scott was my ex?”
“He’s not?”
“Does Scott even look like a football player?!”
Nate thinks about it…and feels stupid. Good!
“God…I don’t even care. Nate. Don’t bother explaining yourself. I can’t believe…all that we had together, all that we shared…it was all just a game to you.”
“NO, it wasn’t.”
“Yes, yes it was. Because I know in your mind you probably think you’re a hero. But what you did, regardless of why you did it, just proves the problem. All you understand is how to make everything about you and about your winning. You had to be a big man and save me. You couldn’t accept the fact that I already saved myself.”
“I thought he was your ex-boyfriend.”
“Yeah…no shit. And now you put some guy in the hospital because you did something stupid. Way to go.” I shake my head and give him one last look of contempt. “I decided a long time ago, I’m not going to make the mistake again of getting involved with someone else like that. Someone who loves himself more than he loves me. You’re a great guy, Nate. You probably are. But with you, it’s like you’re not really a character on TV. The nice guy off TV is the act. You really are just a vain asshole as seen on TV.”
I barely see Nate staring at me as I storm away. God, why do I always chase after the same guy…each and every relationship…it never ends. I just always want the bad boy. And I pay for it with every second of an aching heart.
* * *
I wake Scott up with a gentle tap. I stand over him as he rests in a hospital bed. He doesn’t look bloodied or broken, just bruised. Amazingly, Scott is still in one piece, despite Nate being over twice his size.
“Hey,” Scott says excitedly.
“How are you?”
“Well…last thing I remember was Nate shoulder ramming me and then falling on the floor.”
“I am so sorry,” I mutter. “He is such an idiot. I really can’t blame you if you want to press charges. The stupidity of some men never ceases to amaze me.”
“Well…it was sort of a misunderstanding.”
"I mean, what did he tell you? From what I gathered, he seems to think that you're my ex!" I crack up laughing, hiding my despair. "I sure can pick them, right? You'd think if he talked to you for thirty seconds he'd realize you're nothing like Rory."
“Ah. True. In fact…I should probably confess something right about now.”
“What?” I reply in concern.
“Umm…well it’s a bit awkward to say. But I sort of told him that I was…your ex.”
Scott laughs hard and accidentally hurts his chest. “Owww…can’t laugh. Body too sore…”
“Say what? What are you saying, Scott?”
"I sort of told Jiggur I was your ex-boyfriend."
I smack Scott on his sore arm.
“OW!”
“You told Nate, a musclehead idiot that you were my abusive ex-boyfriend? Why the fuck?!”
“Well…” Scott says with a wormy smile, “not necessarily in that negative context.”
“I think you better explain, Scott, unless you want your ass kicked twice today.”
“Because Amanda…I’m in love with you.”
My face drops. “What?”
“I’ve always been in love with you. Since we were kids. Since we first met all those years ago as neighbors. I’m in love with you! Owww…hurts to say things loud.”
“Scott…where the heck is this coming from? And why in the world did you lie to Nate?”
"I don't know," Scott says sadly. "Because I was all out of ideas, Amanda. It's pretty damned obvious you don't know I'm alive. You don't feel anything for me. So I felt like…I dunno, I wanted to feel a connection to you. So I imagined myself as your ex…just for a second. Just to feel what it would be like. So I told Jiggur that you were my ex. Hoping to…I don't know. Steal you away from him, sort of. And then uh…well, Jiggur sort of got upset. And then I woke up in the hospital. Funny how life turns out. HAHAH—owwww."
“Scott…” I shake my head in pity. Jesus Christ, what a mess. Two brats posing as men. Both in love, neither one with the slightest idea of how to communicate like normal fucking human beings.
“Please…Amanda…spare me the friend-zone speech. I know. I know! I know I screwed up. I screwed up a long time ago…by not telling you then that I loved you. Now it’s this stupid, awkward thing. And I know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.”
I shake my head, staring at him. Not having the damndest clue what to say.
“Just tell Jiggur I’m sorry,” Scott says apologetically. “I’m not going to press charges. It was my fault anyway. It was a stupid thing to do. Immature, desperate. Creative though, you got to give me that.”
“God damn it, Scott. I’m not going to let you ruin our friendship this way, okay?”
“Okay…” he grumbles.
“You just sit there and think about what you did. Soon you’re going to realize how idiotic it was to pretend to be the guy who ruined my life. Okay? You’re not him, Scott, nothing like him.”
"I know. And that abusive asshole is the one who won your heart, right? But never a guy like me. Never a nice guy, guys like us…never even a chance. I know how it goes."
I look at Scott in lip-wrinkling angst. So much to say to him. Feel like smacking him repeatedly on his sore shoulder! Instead, I’ll just leave him with this.
“I know you’re upset right now. Let me just say this. That girl who fell for Rory all those years ago is dead. Mmmkay? God rest her soul. I hated that weak girl. I hated everything about her. You’re not just too good to be my ex, Scott. You’re too good to have wanted that old me. There was nothing about her worth wanting. You deserve someone better.”
“I wanted the You of today…”
“Yeah well…” I say in shame, “Nothing that great about her either.”
12
Nate
Shit! There's no time left! Manning can't catch from that far. Jones is way out of reach. Beaumont is open bu
t in about five-seconds he's going to get clobbered.
This is the moment of truth. If we’re going to win this game and make a touchdown I have to take a run. I’m not a runner…but I think I got this.
Fake pass!
I take the ball in hand and run like the wind!
"Eat my shit motherfuckers!" I scream as I shove two defensive players out of my way. I'm running all the way to end! Passed the forty yard line! Keep going!
I hear the crowd screaming their heads off. If I make this touchdown from that far away I’m going to go in the history books. Jiggur – the best quarterback and runner of all time!
I run faster and shove some fat motherfucker off me…keep going. Don’t look back now. This is for all the gold…I win this play I retire, I swear to god, I will retire!
This is my destiny!
I see the touchdown line and I skip my ass as fast as possible, jumping and stepping like my body doesn’t even exist. Just a few more yards and I’ve won—I’ve fucking won!
FUCK! THAT’S TOMMY HOSS – defensive end zone coming straight for my face!
* * *
I wake up in the hospital bed…sore as the pope’s asshole after Taco Bell. I don’t know why I always got a pope joke but damn that makes me giggle every time.
Where exactly did I get spiked anyway? I feel sore but don’t seem to feel my legs or my chest. And yet I can barely move.
"Hello, Mister Jiggur."
"Hey man…what happened? It was Hoss, wasn't it? He fucked me up good."
"Watch your language. If you're referring to the Play-Off game…yeah. You were sacked right before the line. You barely saw it coming."
“Damn…well did we win?”
“Mister Jiggur…you didn’t just lose the game. You died.”
“What?” I say, a little confused. Then I laugh merrily. “What the hell you talking about, dude?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You are sorry. A sorry punk ass prankster. Let me out of here. I can walk.”
“Can you?” the mystery man says.
“Yeah just unfasten these straps.”
“There are no straps, Mister Jiggur. You’re free to go. If you can…”
I smile reluctantly…but just like the man says, I can’t seem to move.
“What the fuck…let me out of here.”
“Let yourself out,” he says calmly.
My smile softens into a frown. Then into sheer terror. I can’t move…I can’t move but nothing is holding me back.
“JEEEESUS-!” I scream, looking down and realizing I have no legs.
“FUCK FUCK FUCK!”
No, God no. Let me go back! Let me go back! I can’t be dead…I can’t be dead. This isn’t real. This isn’t real. I haven’t done enough. My life was just beginning!
Tears drip from my face like a faucet. That seems weird…I didn’t know I could cry so unnaturally like that.
This isn’t heaven…this is the other place…this is HELL. Oh My GOD no, send me back! Send me back!
“It’s too late Nate. Your life is over.”
* * *
I scream myself awake wiggling around in the hospital, trying to feel my legs.
“My legs, my legs!”
I take a deep breath as Amanda stands over me, a tear rolling down her face.
“Nate, are you awake? Do you remember me?”
“Amanda…” I say sluggishly. “I remember…I remember.”
I relax my frantic breathing as Amanda kisses my forehead. I feel the body heat from her face and neck and it calms me. I look down at my legs in horror…
But they’re still there. Oh thank God. Thank God I’m alive. And still have my health.
“What happened?” I say, barely able to form a sentence.
“You had a head injury out on the field. You were all over the news,” Amanda says tiredly. “You woke up yesterday but you didn’t remember anything. We were kind of wondering if that would be permanent. But no…should have realized you’re much too egotistical to forget you’re Nate Jiggur.”
I smile. My voice is weak but I can move around with great effort.
"I had the freakiest dream. Did we win the Play-Offs?"
“No, sorry,” Amanda says. “You were sacked right before you won. You lost. And then taken to a hospital.”
“Wait…why are you here?” I shift around nervously, fearing the worst. “Another hallucination. The real Amanda hates me. I remember now…”
“No,” she says, tensing her face and fighting back tears. “I don’t hate you. And this is real. When I heard you were in emergency care I had to come see you. YES, I was still mad at you. But I was scared to death something might happen. I had to wait for hours while reporters and coaches swarmed the hospital. But they finally let me in to see you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Nate. No other family came.”
“Nah, why would they…” I say resentfully. “Besides my mom, no one else cared. No one else gave a shit about me, except what I could buy them.”
“Because, you idiot! You chase everyone away, that’s just what you do. And I should know, right?”
“I’m sorry…” Nate says. “It was stupid…what I did to your friend.”
“Yes it was. But between the both of you, he got off pretty easy. Scott joked that you were just trying to steal attention away from him, since you got the bigger injury.”
"Yeah that sounds like me," I say with a body-crunching laugh that leaves me in pain.
“You owe him an apology.”
“I know. I’ll pay off his mortgage as soon as I get out of here.”
“NO, you don’t need to pay off everybody you’ve done wrong to. But you do have to apologize. Because Scott is my friend. And he always will be.”
“I will.”
I take a deep breath, still staring at Amanda in awe. Maybe it’s just the head injury talking but my God does she look beautiful. Like a guardian angel. And who knows…maybe SHE is why I came back. Why I fought back even when I was in the clutches of death.
“Amanda…”
“Don’t,” she interrupts. “Don’t say anything you regret.”
“I don’t regret it!” I snarl back. “I love you. You were the last thing I was thinking about…and the first thing I was thinking about. And you’re the only woman who’s never left.”
“I know, I know, Nate…” she says in frustration. “But I can’t live like this.”
“Like what?” I say with my voice cracking, please…don’t break my heart again. Not right now…
“Because Nate! I care for you too much! And I can’t go through this again. When you recover…when you walk again and feel your strength come back I know exactly where you’re going to go. You’re going to go back on that field and you’re going to get hurt again!”
Amanda breaks down and cries, grabbing my weak arm.
“And I can’t take anymore of this. I can’t risk getting hurt again. And if I lose you to this stupid sport it’s going to hurt so much…more than any breakup ever could.”
“But…what am I?” I say back to her, dreading the answer. Dreading the moment…the decision I’ve wrestled with since the moment I first picked up the ball.
“That’s for you to figure out,” she says staring a hole through my soul with her stunning blue eyes. “You’re either Nate Jiggur or you’re just some ordinary guy. But you know I can’t have both.”
The moment of truth. If I don’t have Amanda, I still have the rest of the world who loves me. But if I have Amanda…I have to learn who I am. Return to normal life…like my mom tried to teach me before she passed.
I’ve never known how to be normal. Or happy. All I’ve ever done in my life is pass, catch and run. Run from happiness. And this last time almost caught me my life.
But at the end of the day…
You play to win. Winning is the only option. Losing is THE END. Losing means it’s all over, and no one respects a loser.
I
t’s never been clearer. I know what I must do…for MYSELF, not for anyone else.
I will be remembered as a winner. Because if I’m not a winner, I’m nothing.
* * *
“Welcome back to Morning Coffee! This morning we’re interviewing former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Nate Jiggur. One year ago, he was said to be one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.”
"Just one of?" I say to the interviewer, followed by a laugh from the news reporter and the studio audience.
"My bad! The greatest. So tell us, Nate. What made you decide to retire at such a young age?"
"Well,…it was really only one thing that prompted the decision. And a lot of people assume it was the head injury during the Play-Off game last season. But it wasn't. I'm going to tell you the truth now."
I smile at the camera and then to my side…where my lovely girlfriend Amanda sits, waiting patiently as I flex nuts for the media.
"I realized that I couldn't keep a winning streak forever. At some point, I had to admit that my run was over, or at least coming to a close. Most quarterbacks wait for years, going past their prime. I wanted to be remembered as a winner. I mean, sure, I could have played one more season and quit after winning another Super Bowl ring. But the truth was, I met Amanda Shannon. And she turned my world upside down."
I squeeze my baby’s arm as the studio audience awws. Amanda blushes, always a little camera shy.
“She is the most talented woman I’ve ever met. You wouldn’t know it just by seeing her here all quiet like that. But she plays guitar like a rock star.”
“Great! Are you going to play for us, Amanda?”
“Noooo thanks!” Amanda says with a nervous grin. “Never going to happen.”
“But yeah, basically I fell hard for Amanda. And I realized that if this relationship was going to work, I had to choose between football and Amanda. The life…the party life…the game of risks…it just didn’t have enough to keep me coming back for another season.”
“A lot of fans said you quit too early. What do you say about those critical opinions?”
