Living With Doubt (The Regret Series Book 2)

by Riann C. Miller

  “Jake. Please fuck me, Jake. I need you.” I emphasize the word “you,” hoping he knows how desperate I truly am.

  He slowly slides a hand up, then back down the inside of my leg.

  Gah. I’m about to come undone. “Jake, I’m serious. I want you. Please?”

  My hips involuntarily thrust backward at the sound of the condom ripping open behind me.

  “Do you want to be fucked? Is that it? You’re horny and willing to fuck anyone, or do you really want me?” His voice is low and husky, giving away the need he has for me.

  “I want you, Jake.” Only you, but I keep the last part to myself.

  I feel his hand come down on my ass as he slams into me from behind.

  He stills as a sob of pleasure rushes through me.

  “Don’t stop. Jake, please, don’t stop.”

  My lips part and my grip on the bedspread tightens as Jake starts thrusting as hard as he can.

  “Yes,” I moan as he firmly grips my hair, pulling my neck back. My body throbs with hunger when Jake leans forward to nip at my neck.

  “This belongs to me,” he murmurs.

  I have no idea what he’s referring to. Me? He thinks I belong to him?

  My head is intoxicated with the passion, the desire he’s ignited; therefore, I forgo arguing with him and moan my agreement.

  Jake’s hand tightens in my hair as he pulls me upward, my back to his chest, never once does he stop feasting on my body. “I want to see your eyes when you come,” he demands and tilts my head to the side.

  I can feel my climax starting. My core tightens before I finally shudder around him. I’m panting, trying to catch my breath, never once taking my eyes off Jake’s.

  “You can lie to yourself all you want, but you can’t deny this.” He possessively captures my mouth with his before he slows his pace, groaning as he comes.

  My body starts to dip, but Jake doesn’t let me go. Instead, we stay locked together while he’s still deep inside me.

  “You need to let go of your fears and learn to trust again.” His tone is gentle, but his eyes are pleading with me to agree. “I want to start living and stop existing.” He slowly runs his finger down my cheek. “I want to forget the things I can’t change and embrace the gift that’s in front of me.”

  I swallow, attempting to fight off the panic I’m starting to feel from his comments. When I get backed into a corner, I snap and end up acting like a bitch, and that’s the last thing I want to do. However, fear—total mind-consuming anxiety—keeps me from agreeing with him.

  “Jake, I…” I trail off when his eyes dim and he slides out of me. I roll to my stomach pulling the bedspread with me.

  He steps away with his back to me as he removes the condom.

  “I’ve only dated one person in my whole life and—”

  Angrily, Jake cuts me off. “Yeah, me too, and she fucked me over pretty damn good, but I’m here. I’m right here, standing in front of you, asking for a chance. Just a fucking chance to see if whatever this is between us can grow into something special.”

  “Did you love her?” I whisper with pain laced into my voice. “The woman you dated…did you love her? Did you lose a piece of your soul when you walked away? Because let me tell you, I did. I didn’t just get my heart broken, I had it shattered into a million pieces, and when I finally picked myself up, I wasn’t the same person.”

  My eyes start to water as Jake silently watches my epic meltdown. “I turned into a bitter person. I learned it was easier to just be a bitch to everyone than to put myself out there to be hurt again. So excuse me if I’m not ready after less than two weeks to buy this perfect little package you’re trying to sell.”

  Jake continues to watch me as the fight I saw in him moments ago starts to drain away.

  “Maybe you’re waiting for him to finally be the one who fixes you.” His voice sounds strained, but his comment only proves how little he really knows me.

  “I think I might be broken beyond repair.”

  Jake gives me a slight nod before he buckles his pants and walks to my bedroom door where he pauses for a brief moment, one that almost has me calling out for him to stop. But the doubt that always seems to cloud my judgment keeps me from saying anything. With one last look, he turns and walks out of my room.

  With the sound of the apartment door slamming shut, I let the tears I was holding in free. I cry for…him, I cry for me, but most importantly, I cry for the future we were robbed of.

  18

  Jake

  As I watched Lacey fall apart in front of me, I had to force myself to leave before I said something I would regret. I’m pissed—actually, pissed doesn’t begin to describe the anger I’m feeling. For the first time in years, I can see a future that includes someone else, and for once, it’s exactly what I want.

  I don’t think I’m madly in love with Lacey Davis. No…but I think I could be close—close enough that I’m furious with her for not even trying. After all, that’s all I’m asking her to do…try.

  But after what she told me tonight, I doubt she ever will, and fuck…maybe I should be happy she continues to reject me. I’m worried she could still be hung up on him. The fuckwad I know for a fact is here in New York probably trying to figure out how to win her back.

  I’m Jake fucking Girard. I’m not one to back down from a challenge, but competing with a man who owns a piece of her heart feels like agony waiting to happen, and I’m not sure how I’ll react if she chooses him over me.

  I end up walking around the freezing cold city she claims to love with my confidence on edge. I like it here. New York City is definitely a place that never sleeps, and while I live in a huge city myself, the two are nothing alike. The longer I walk around, I start to wonder if Steel doesn’t offer me the contract Harvey claims I’m due, and I decide to leave the Cards, will that put even more distance between Lacey and myself? Maybe seeing her—providing we can make something work—will be easier with fewer miles between us.

  My hands start to burn from the cold when I finally flag down a cab. Once I’m inside Chase’s apartment, I look up flights to San Diego. I could leave in a few hours if I wanted to, but I won’t. Leaving right now feels like it could be the final nail in our coffin. I may not have a future with Lacey, but I need to see where her head is before I leave town. I need to know without a doubt, she doesn’t want me. That she can’t or won’t let go of the past for a chance at a future…with me.

  I woke up early after barely sleeping the night before. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Lacey’s heartbroken face. After tossing and turning for hours, I got out of bed and walked over to the gym that feels more like a second home than Chase’s empty apartment and worked out for hours. When my body couldn’t take any more, I returned to Chase’s, showered, and double checked flights that depart today.

  Depending on how things go when I stop by Lacey’s apartment, I might leave as early as tonight.

  I didn’t tell Lacey I’m coming over. I called her once, but she didn’t answer. I thought about sending a few texts hoping to lighten the mood, but I decided against it. Instead, my awesome plan is to stop by unannounced, a plan that blows up in my face when I step out of the cab I took to her place only to find him, the Fuckwad, leaving her apartment.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” I growl as I step in front of him.

  His eyes widen in shock when he processes who’s standing in front of him.

  “I asked you a question.”

  Instead of backing down, he squares his shoulders, ready to take me on. “I just needed to see her.”

  “Why?”

  Fuckwad shakes his head before he tries to step around me. I grab his arm, deliberately taking my time while I glare at him. After a few seconds, I grit my teeth. “Stay the fuck away from her. Whatever you two shared is history.”

  God, I desperately hope what I said is true.

  “You’re not going to get past all the shit she has going on in her head. N
o one can.”

  I growl, “And who’s fault is that?”

  He actually cringes at my comment, only confirming what I already know. Since the day I caught Alicia fucking Lynch, I haven’t so much as spoken one word to her. We were done, plain and simple, but I have to wonder how done these two really are.

  “Take care of her,” Fuckwad says. “If she’ll let you,” he adds under his breath before he finally walks off, leaving me to wonder if I should book that flight after all.

  I stand out on the sidewalk, debating my next move, when a gust of cold air hits me in the face and reminds me I’m alive. I’m here, outside her building, and nothing worth having in life comes easy.

  I open the door and take the steps two at a time until I’m outside her apartment. I bang my fist on the door several times before she opens it, wearing a surprised expression.

  “Jake?”

  She must have thought I would be him. Maybe he only left to get something.

  “Who else are you expecting?” I step around her and inside without being invited in. With a heavy sigh, Lacey closes the door and crosses her arms over her chest. “Girard, I’m really not in the mood.”

  I take off my coat and toss it on the table, making it clear I’m not about to go anywhere. “Of course you’re not, Davis. You’re never in the mood,” I snap.

  Her face turns red with anger. “If you came here to fight with me, then you can go now. Believe me, I’m over today.”

  “Is that what you want? For me to leave? For me to get the fuck out of your life?”

  She takes a deep breath and slowly closes her eyes. When she opens them again, I see the fire she normally has shining bright, igniting the blue. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to be honest.”

  “I have been honest. I told you from the second whatever this is started that I don’t do relationships. I’m not good at them.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. If you wanted to try, you could,” I argue.

  “And why the hell do you want to try something with me in the first place?”

  “Because there’s something about you. I felt it the second I saw you, and I know you felt it too, but instead of admitting to anything, you live so far up in your own fucking head you can’t see straight.”

  “Oh, that’s rich coming from you.” She scoffs and flutters her eyes.

  “Oh, you mean me, the arrogant douchebag football player?”

  She huffs. “I’ve had a really bad day. I don’t need this right now.”

  “Was it the fuckwad that put you in a bad mood or was it something else?”

  Her eyes flash, but she doesn’t deny seeing him.

  “How many times have you seen him since he’s been in town, huh?”

  She straightens her back. “I don’t owe you a fucking explanation.”

  I rub my hands over my face in frustration seconds before someone bangs on her door. I clench my fists, fighting off the urge to punch the fuckwad in the face for returning, when Lacey opens the door and in falls Jordan.

  “Where the hell have you been?” Lacey snarls at her friend, who’s lying on her back, looking up at Lacey in a fit of laughter. “What’s so funny?”

  Lacey sighs and looks in my direction. “Don’t just stand there, help me pick her up.”

  I walk over to Jordan, wondering why my best friend’s girl is sprawled out on Lacey’s floor. “Is she drunk?”

  “Wow, Captain Obvious, nothing gets past you.”

  “You don’t have to be a bitch—it was just a question.”

  “I wasn’t being a bitch. When you ask a stupid question, expect to get a stupid answer, jackass.”

  I knew from the second Lacey opened her door she was in a foul mood, but guess what? So am I. “Jackass? That’s not the name you were screaming a little while ago.”

  Her eyes narrow as Jordan finally stops laughing.

  Lacey wants to keep me a secret, but I’m done playing by her rules.

  “Holy shit. You’re fucking?”

  We both look down at Jordan, who’s back to laughing uncontrollably.

  “Fuck…ing. Fucking. Fucking. Have you ever noticed how funny that word sounds? Fu...ck…ing.”

  Lacey’s face scrunches with anger. “What the hell have you been doing, Jordan Michelle Taylor?”

  I put my arm around Jordan’s waist and pull her off the floor.

  “I had nothing to lose at nothing to lose.” Jordan busts out laughing, which makes me smile. Apparently, the chick is an entertaining drunk.

  Jordan pulls her arm away from me and walks over to the couch. “Earlier today, I had everything. Then I had nothing. Again. After having nothing, I decided I should take a walk, but then I got cold, and I stopped when I was at nothing to lose.”

  Lacey glares at her. “How the fuck does that tell me a goddamn thing?”

  “Hold up,” I say, hoping to reason with Jordan.

  “Oh, shut it. Jordan, babe, tell me how four hours ago I got a call from your dad looking for you translates into you taking a walk in five-inch heels without a jacket or a phone?”

  I look around, realizing Lacey’s right. Jordan pretty much just fell inside her apartment holding only a little purse.

  “He did it again,” Jordan whispers, looking down at her lap.

  “Oh shit,” Lacey says, obviously understanding something I don’t.

  “Who did what?” I ask, but instead of answering me, Lacey turns her hard eyes on me and points to the door. “I think you need to leave.”

  “Why? What’s going on?” I know Lacey is looking for an excuse to make me leave, but I’m suddenly worried about Jordan.

  “Go ask Chase. He did this.” She points at Jordan.

  “What?” I question, unable to wrap my head around what she’s implying.

  Lacey crosses her arms over her chest, giving me her classic go to hell look.

  I have no idea what Chase did to cause Jordan to get drunk and wander around the city by herself, but I think it’s time I found out what’s really going on.

  “Okay, fine. I’ll go check on him.” I grab my coat off the table and walk to the door. I came here hoping to figure out where I stood with Lacey, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen. However, that doesn’t mean I’m about to let her off the hook. “I’ll call ya later.”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  I give Lacey one last smirk before I duck out the door. In the cab on the way back to Chase’s apartment, I repeatedly dial his number, hoping to get some insight on what’s going on.

  Jordan said, he did it again…the only thing Chase has ever done to hurt her was leave her, and I can’t wrap my head around the idea he’d do anything of the sort. However, Jordan was drunk, by herself, and upset…very upset.

  “Fuck,” I mumble, as the cab pulls up in front of Chase’s building.

  By the time I reach his apartment, I’m pissed. Chase has exactly what I’m trying to pursue with Lacey, only he’s waited years for a chance with the only person he’s ever loved, and he just let her walk away.

  I dig in my pocket, but I can’t find the damn key. With my heart racing, I knock on his door. A few minutes pass before he finally opens it, looking like complete shit, only confirming my suspicions.

  He sighs when he sees me and walks over to a chair in the living room. I step inside, closely watching him. Wondering how the same man I’ve known for years would dump Jordan, especially after retiring and moving here just to be with her. Something has spooked him. I only hope whatever he said or did is something he can fix.

  “I don’t share when I’m not asked to…often, but now seems very fitting.” I take a deep breath. “Did I ever tell you about how I was engaged once?”

  Chase’s eyes widen in shock. Of course he doesn’t know; I never tell anyone about Alicia. “We were in college. I was in love, or so I thought at the time. Classic story, really. I come home early and catch her in bed with a teammate of mine. He was older and already d
rafted to the NFL. I guess she didn’t want to wait me out.”

  I shake my head, forcing the image of the two of them out of my mind. “I thought I was in love, but actually, she was just a good-looking girl who was trying to ensure she got where she wanted in life. Nothing about our relationship was real, and I was too stupid to realize it at the time.” I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “She scarred me. Without a fucking doubt, she left her mark, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want that. A woman, a healthy relationship, and, God willing, maybe a family that we’d share together. Now…” I clear my throat, wondering what he’d do if I told him how desperate I am to have that with one certain person.

  “Now I walk around with that scar, looking at women with guarded eyes. Fake? They’re gone. Needy? Gone. Weak? Gone. Whether I realize it or not, I put every woman I meet through my own personal Jake Girard test, and you want to know something?”

  “Um…”

  “Your girl passed. From the second I met her, she passed.”

  Chase’s eyes go wide with shock, but I’m not done.

  “Jordan has class, and yeah, that class might be worlds above yours, but for whatever fucking reason, you’re the man she wants. So why in the world do you continue to toss her away?”

  “I…” He trails off, casting his eyes down. “I know. I fucked up. I’m waiting for her to come home so I can hopefully fix it.”

  I shake my head with a sarcastic laugh. “Not tonight you won’t, buddy. After whatever the fuck you did to her, she wandered around the city and finally showed up at Lacey’s place wasted. Wasted. No coat, no cell phone, and she claims she took a fucking cab there.”

  Chase stands up straight and stares at the door.

  “Let her sleep it off. Then make sure you pull your head out of your ass and fix this. Most people don’t get a shot at what you have with Jordan, and you somehow managed to have it handed to you twice. If you don’t fix it now…I doubt you’ll get another chance.”

  Without waiting for him to reply, I walk to his guest room and fall onto the bed.

  I pull out my phone and look up flights, all the while the same torrent of emotions I felt earlier today continue to consume me. I need to have a real conversation with Lacey. One where she’ll hopefully open up to me, but like it or not, it’s time for me to go home.