by Amira Rain
“As sorry as I am that he has issues of being afraid of losing people, those issues are his own. And I don't think I could ever go through life tiptoeing around on eggshells, constantly worried about doing something that might make him fear losing me, starting some vicious cycle of him pushing me away repeatedly or something."
With my eyes now completely dry, I paused to take a sip of my iced tea before continuing.
"It basically boils down to this for me. If he'd rather end our relationship rather than always be afraid of losing me for one reason or another, which he's obviously doing right now, then I'm leaving that on him. That's his choice. And even though it's breaking my heart...ripping it to shreds sometimes, it feels like, actually...I'm not going to beg him to talk to me, and I'm not going to beg him to take me back.
“I'm also not going to tell him I'll never fight again, either. No way. So, pretty much, he's the one with a choice to make now. He needs to decide whether he's going to try to overcome his loss issues or not. He can call and talk to me if he wants. But if he'd rather live without me than continue our relationship and continually fear losing me, then so be it. It will completely shatter my heart, because I'm not sure of I'll ever meet another man that I love as much as I love him, but...."
My misty eyes were suddenly back, and in a major way. Still determined not to devolve into full-blown crying, I raked the back of my hand across them, sniffing.
"Anyway, if Desmond would rather never love, than love and fear losing, it will break my heart, but I'll survive. My baby will help keep me going. And about the baby...that's the only reason I'm going to contact Desmond.
“I'm going to inform him about all upcoming doctor's appointments, so that he can come with me and stay informed about the baby's development and all that, but that's it for right now. I'm going to contact him about baby-related things only.
“If he wants more than that...if he wants to continue our relationship and get over his fear...well, he can go ahead and tell me that. No more of his silence making me feel like I've done something wrong."
Emma looked thoughtful for a long moment before nodding.
"I think this is good. Maybe with you going on about your way, Desmond will do some serious thinking and realize that it's not better to go without love rather than have it and risk losing it."
Lifting my iced tea glass, I sighed.
"Hopefully, he'll realize that. I hope with all my heart that he will. But I'm going to have to be prepared if he doesn't. And in that case, I just hope he still wants to be a part of his daughter's life."
"So, you still think you're having a girl?"
Swallowing a sip of tea and setting my glass down, I nodded.
"Yes. Positive. It's just mother's intuition or something, but I just know. I know that I have a little daughter growing inside of me. I'm just as certain of it as Desmond is that...."
My damned tears were back again.
"As Desmond is that our little baby will be...."
Angry that I couldn't seem to control the moisture level in my eyes, but fighting a deep ache of sadness in my chest at the same time, I raked the back of my hand across my eyes again.
"Desmond really thinks we're having a boy."
I wondered if Desmond wanted anything to do with that boy now. That boy that was actually a girl.
Not wanting to talk about Desmond anymore and further upset myself, I wiped my eyes again and abruptly changed the subject.
"Anyway, let's talk about something happier. I've been wanting to ask you how everything is going with you and Eric. Now that the two of you finally admitted that you love each other, is it all going well?"
Tucking a strand of her wavy brown hair behind one ear, Emma snorted, though smiling.
"Well, it is all going well now, but apparently being zapped as badly as he was really scrambled his brains the night of the fight and gave him a bit of amnesia about the hours immediately after, and we've had to clarify a few things.
“When he came out of his 'mental fog' kind of state after a couple of days, I asked him if he remembered what I'd said to him right after he was hurt. He said no, and then for some reason, I just got embarrassed and completely froze up. He asked me what was wrong, and I just blurted out a few words, asking him if he feels sorry for me. He said no, but that he often feels like he loves me, and as much more than a friend.
“And I asked him how often, and he said, 'All the time.' Then I asked him why he didn't tell me this sooner, and he said because he's always felt like I've been 'holding him at arm's length.' And I said, 'Well, I know I have been doing that, but it's partly because I haven't wanted to get rejected, because I thought maybe you just pitied me,' and he said, 'That's crazy.'
“Then, I said, 'Well, then, you should know that I have some pretty strong feelings toward you, too.' And he asked what kind of strong feelings, and I just burst out and said I loved him, and I have for a good long while. And then I said, 'But I'm always going to love Jake's father, too, just so you know.'
“He said that's fine, because he can tell that I'm the kind of woman with a heart big enough to love two men. Then he corrected himself and said three men, including 'little man Jake.'"
Emma finally paused for breath and then exhaled with a smile playing around the edges of her mouth.
"I think our happily-ever-after has begun, Madison. Finally."
I was thrilled for her, and Eric and Jake, too. Now that things had been set in motion, I had a feeling that the three of them might become an official family before too long. I just hoped and prayed that there might still be a chance of that happening for Desmond and me and our baby, too.
Several more days went by and Desmond still didn't contact me. I didn't even run into him anywhere in the tower. Which maybe wasn't surprising, considering that Brianna told me that he'd been working unusually long hours on surveillance. I asked her if the Angels that had survived the battle, including their leader, Darius Archer, were planning another attack or something, but she said no.
"See, that's exactly why Desmond and a lot of his elite men have been gone so much. The Angels have been completely 'behaving' themselves, for lack of a better way to put it. They haven't been doing any surveillance on us, and they haven't been trying to attack any of our guards posted around city limits, like they normally do, at least daily, it seems like. They've just been completely quiet, just sticking to their various little encampments."
"So, do you think they've just finally given up on retaking Chicago?"
Brianna snorted. "Not a chance. Really...not a chance. That's why Desmond's so on edge. Even though they're not showing any obvious signs of planning another attack, he thinks something's up, and he's probably right."
"Well, what does he think they're doing?"
"Who knows? Maybe waiting for reinforcements from the east or something. All I know is that just watching and trying to figure out what they're up to has kept Desmond away from the tower a lot lately."
I wondered if that was only part of it. I wondered if the other part was that he was intentionally staying gone in order to avoid me, not wanting to run into me even in the elevator or something.
Two weeks or so after the battle, I had an afternoon doctor's appointment, and I sent him a text message informing him about it. You're welcome to come if you'd like, if you'd like to ask the doctor any questions about the baby's growth or development or anything. It's at Dr. Jansen's office on the twelfth floor at two.
An hour or so later, I received a response. I'll meet you there.
So, I told myself, he'd made a few decisions. He'd made up his mind to still be in the baby's life, but he didn't want to be in mine, as evidenced by the fact that he hadn't offered to meet me at my apartment and walk me down to the appointment or anything.
Apparently, that would have involved too much time for conversation. Or maybe just more time spent near me than he wanted. Can't win 'em all, I thought, fighting tears for what felt like the millionth time since I'd be
come pregnant.
Tears and hunger had become my constant companions. Fortunately, my morning sickness had all but disappeared. Now two-and-a-half months along, I'd gained two pounds, and I definitely had the beginnings of a tiny little baby bump. Enough of one that I was wearing jeans a size larger than I normally wore. Desmond bought me several pairs the day he'd taken me shopping.
On the day of my doctor's appointment, I was wearing a pair of my new larger jeans along with a fairly form-fitting top. I happened to be standing in the waiting room, surveying a cork board full of baby pictures, when Desmond arrived, viewing me from the side when he walked through the door. And whether it was because he spotted my tiny little baby bump, or whether he was just a bit thrown just to simply see me, period, he paused in his steps for just a second.
I wasn't quite sure, but I thought I saw his gaze go from my face to my stomach, and then back up again. Again I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a flicker of pain cross his handsome features. But really, I didn't know. Maybe it had just been a momentary grimace, because he was so dreading having to see me and spend a few minutes together.
Not knowing exactly what to say, I just said hello and took a seat in one of a dozen beige chairs in the waiting room, which was empty except for the two of us. Desmond just said hello in return and took a seat next to me. Both of us fell silent.
Because the situation wasn't awkward enough, almost immediately I caught a whiff of his masculine, woodsy scent, and it made me think about the dreams I'd been having recently. He'd been in all of them. Sometimes he'd just been holding me close. Sometimes we'd been making love. I missed that aspect of our relationship terribly.
Achingly. I hadn't missed just t
hat, though. I missed the Desmond of the first night we'd met, the man who'd been sweet, and charming, and fun. I'd seen that man again during our picnics in the park, our dinners out, and our breakfasts in bed. I missed the way Desmond had often looked at me during those blissful days, with affection and love clearly shining in his eyes.
I missed the way when he held my hand, he slowly caressed the back of it with his thumb. Maybe most of all, I longed for the feelings of complete safety and contentment that I'd felt around him during our happier times. I just wanted to feel those things again.
After an awkward stretch of time that felt like an hour, but was actually probably only a minute, if that, Desmond and I looked at each other and spoke simultaneously.
I said, "I miss you."
He said, "I haven't missed you at all."
CHAPTER 18
Stunned and hurt beyond words, I just looked at Desmond for a long moment.
"What did you just say?"
Frowning, he raked a hand through his dark hair.
"I said I haven't missed you at all. Just every day of the week, every hour of the day, and every minute of every hour. That's all. Just while I'm awake, and while I'm sleeping. Just enough to nearly make me insane."
Hardly even realizing what I was doing, I reached for one of his hands.
"Then, Desmond, why haven't you called me, or-"
"Because how can I ever, ever trust you now?"
He'd pulled his hand from mine, dashing all my hopes.
"How can I ever trust you after you joined the battle when I specifically asked you to stay in the tower?"
Now I was angry, not even sure why.
"Do you need to trust me? After all, it's not like we're in a relationship right now. You've made that perfectly clear."
"Well, you're right about that. I can't be in a relationship with someone I'm always going to be afraid of losing."
"So, you'd rather just never love, than love and be afraid of losing the one you love. Is that it?"
I knew damn well it was. Desmond wasn't about to admit it, though.
Raking a hand through his hair, he just ignored my question.
"I need to be able to trust the woman I love."
"Well, since you're acting as if you don't love me anymore, from my perspective, it seems like you only need to be able to trust me as far as my mothering skills go."
Desmond scoffed. "I don't trust your mothering skills."
If I was angry before, now I was borderline incensed.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you just recently put our baby in danger by putting yourself in danger with the Angel dragons."
"And did I get hurt? At any time, did I not defend myself well, just as I said I would? Did I not prove myself completely capable, just like the rest of the Gifteds? Answer me, Desmond."
He didn't, at least not during the fraction of a second that I paused before continuing.
"You know what? I know I'll be a good mother because I listen to my gut instincts and I do things out of love. Those are the most important things. That's why I fought, even though you didn't want me to. I fought because I love my grandma, and I wanted to be a part of making sure that the Angels never retake Chicago, and therefore never take Quincy and possibly hurt her.
“I'm protective. I'm strong, and I'm brave, and I have confidence in my abilities. I know I'll be a good mother, whether you think so or not."
While I'd been speaking, my damned misty eyes had come back full force. I figured I may as well settle in and get used to them. I still had over two trimesters left to go.
Furrowing his dark brows, Desmond had been frowning while I'd been saying what I had, and now he heaved a sigh with his eyes radiating pain.
"Madison, I'm so sorry. I should have never said I don't trust your mothering skills. I was just angry because you did put our baby in danger when you put yourself in danger by joining in the fight."
I'd gone from "cooling down" back to incensed in about three seconds.
"You know what, though, Desmond? Maybe I did put our baby in danger during the fight, but it was a calculated risk. I also put our baby in danger every time I get in a car, and every single time I step out my front door, for that matter. People can also have all sorts of accidents while within their own homes, so I suppose I put our baby at risk just whenever I'm in my very own apartment. Maybe I should just stay in bed full-time.
“Oh, but then, without ever moving or getting out of bed, I'd put myself at risk for obesity and blood clots, which would also be putting our baby in danger. Do you get my point? Do you see what I'm trying to say? Even at this very minute, my blood pressure is probably spiking, which is also putting our baby in danger. Basically, I'm in danger every second of the day."
Just then, a door on one side of the waiting room opened, and a nurse poked her head out and called my name.
More than ready to go back for my exam and get the hell away from Desmond, I rose from my chair, telling him that I'd have him called back to talk with the doctor afterward. I then strode off toward the nurse, having to use restraint not to stomp my feet.
As I'd suspected it might be, the nurse soon told me that my blood pressure was
just slightly above what it should be.
"Nothing really to worry about, but the files we requested from your old doctor indicate that it's usually on the lower side of normal."
Feeling a little sheepish, I cleared my throat. "Well, I...I just had a little dispute with my baby's father out in the waiting room. I may have gotten a bit overly worked up."
Just to the point that I'd become misty-eyed and tremblingly angry all in the same minute.
The nurse said that probably had been enough to do it, and that she understood.
"Do try not to allow yourself to get too upset, though. You'll want to watch your blood pressure, especially later on in your pregnancy."
I figured that not allowing myself to get "too upset" might depend on whether or not I allowed myself to spend further time with Desmond.
Dr. Jansen was a smiling older woman who was not only an MD but a certified midwife as well, such an unusual combination of expertise as to almost be unheard of, and this was part of the reason I'd chosen her. The other part was because she'd been part of a tea
m of doctors who'd delivered Jake, part of a team and not just a single doctor because of his health problems that had been discovered during an ultrasound, and Emma just raved about her. She'd actually said she probably wouldn't have made it through her twenty-hour labor without Dr. Jansen's guidance and help.
My exam was routine and went well, with Dr. Jansen saying I seemed to be in great health, and once I'd gotten dressed, she led me into her luxuriously-decorated office. There, looking vaguely nervous, or maybe just uncomfortable, Desmond was waiting in an ornately-carved chair that looked a few sizes too small for his long, muscular frame.
After sitting down behind her large, polished mahogany desk, Dr. Jansen got right to it.
