by Amira Rain
With his jaw clenched, Cole braced his hands on the dresser, kind of leaning over it, as if he were experiencing sudden physical pain, like I'd just dealt him a physical blow from behind.
Sensing that he was mentally grappling with a few things, I remained silent briefly before getting up from the bed, padding over to join him where he stood, and speaking in a quiet voice. "This might be comparing very, very serious apples with far less-weighty oranges, but do you want to know something? I've done some thinking while here in the village, and with distance and the passing of time, I've come to realize that I really disliked running my parents' bookstore. When it was destroyed the first time, I honestly felt a bizarre sense of relief, like all the thousands of books inside had just been directly lifted off my back. See, I never liked them...all the antique books and all the lofty literary titles...most of them just made me feel a bit intellectually inferior and depressed."
Turning his face to meet my eyes for the first time since we'd started discussing his father, Cole frowned. "But I thought you love reading."
I leaned a hip against the dresser, shrugging. "Well...I do. I've always loved reading, but just the things that I like to read...mostly modern-day spy fiction and crime thrillers, some romance, mystery, anything funny, anything about families, and I tend to get into some popular horror every year before Halloween...and I guess I honestly really enjoy a lot of books written specifically for teenagers, too, no matter what that might say about me or my maturity level...but for all the books I do love, I was just never really into my parents' stuff.
"In hindsight, I think I was just into trying to honor them and be a good daughter by getting into their stuff...and I think I was able to convince them that I really was into their stuff. And I think by the time they died, I'd even convinced myself that I really was. But then, like I said, when the bookstore was first destroyed, the first thing I felt was relief. Relief just knowing I wouldn't have to do it anymore...wouldn't have to run it. Would never again have to see or talk about all those dusty old books that I always found so incomprehensible and boring. But then, over the next several weeks, I kept thinking about how a bookstore filled with antique and literary titles had been their dream, and how hard they'd worked for it, and how if I rebuilt the bookstore, that dream could live on, even though they were gone.
"So, I rebuilt. I bought all new books, some of them costing a fortune. And the bookstore was destroyed again. I rebuilt again. It was destroyed again. At the time that my Gifted powers became manifest, the building was still in ruins, half of the books had been burned beyond recognition, and I was struggling with trying to decide whether to do it all over again, this time rebuilding in a part of the city less prone to destruction. But now...like I said, after getting some space from the whole situation, and after doing some thinking these past few months...."
Cole turned to lean a hip against the dresser, mirroring my pose, and I sighed, hardly able to believe what I was going to be saying next, but at the same time, feeling like it had been a very long time in coming. Probably too long.
"I don't think my parents would want me to rebuild their bookstore dream. I think their biggest dream was just for me to be happy doing what I love, whatever that turns out to be, which I have a feeling may be mothering full-time. So, I'm not ever rebuilding their bookstore, anywhere, and I feel like I have their blessing on this, because I know they truly loved me. I know they'd just want me to do what I feel is right for me in my life...whatever that is. All this to say that if your dad really had any love for you...and it sounds like he must have...I think he'd want the same for you. I think he'd just want you to listen to your heart and do what you believe is right, deep down...and I don't think that deep down, you feel that the way of the Angels is right for you.
"I think that morally, you're not going to be able to fight for the Angel cause forever. And who knows? Maybe in time, your dad would have come around to seeing that the ends don't always justify the means, especially when those means involve murder of innocent people in an effort to claim land. Or...maybe he wouldn't have ever come around to this way of thinking. Either way, I just can't help but think that if he truly had even a shred of love for you, he'd want you to go your own way, be your own man, and do what you feel is right...which might include renouncing your status as an Angel and helping to defend the territories that are still free." Pausing, I willed myself to continue, even though I knew Cole wasn't going to like what I was going to say next. "Eventually, this might possibly include you joining with Commander Northrup to once and for all rid the 'thumb' of Michigan of all Angels and then fight to keep it that way."
Cole's stern expression, which had greatly relaxed while I'd been talking about my parents, now became stern once again.
"I am an Angel leader. I'll never do the bidding of Commander Northrup."
"But I didn't say 'do the bidding of,' did I? I said you might join with him...as in, fight for the same cause. As in, maybe if you renounce your loyalty as an Angel, the government might gladly give you New Bad Axe and the whole tip of the 'thumb' to control as your own territory, so that you could continue to defend this part of the state from Angel invaders who I'm sure will continue to try to come in from all their strongholds across the waters in an attempt to grab more land."
Gaze now to the side, on the dresser, Cole just glowered, and I continued.
"Just think about it...right now, various Angel groups have complete control of at least the northernmost third of the state, at least, not counting the Upper Peninsula, right? Just think about the possibility of them never being able to claim another single inch if you and Commander Northrup work together. You and the fighters loyal to you...and I'm just guessing that many of the fighters here in the village would still remain loyal to you if you changed your allegiance...you and those men can defend the 'Angel free' part of the state from further attacks by fighting the Angels off when they try to invade through Saginaw Bay and Lake Huron, which you know they'll continually try to do if New Bad Axe becomes part of free territory once again.
"Meanwhile, Commander Northrup and his fighters can drive the Angels back up north when they try to claim more land by way of invading south through the state. To the west, the other shifter groups in the state will work to keep them out. So, see? This wouldn't be you doing anyone's 'bidding' at all. This would be you doing what you know in your heart is right to stop senseless destruction and murder of innocent people...all while remaining a leader, just not one fighting under the Angel flag."
With his glowering expression seeming to have relaxed just a degree or two, Cole abruptly turned his gaze from the dresser to my face. "I need some time...I just need some time to think about all this."
"Of course. That's fine. But, Cole...while you're thinking, promise me you'll think about our baby, too. Whether a shifter or a Gifted, do you want him or her fighting under the Angel flag someday?"
More staggering backward than plain, regular moving backward, Cole suddenly began making his way out of the bedroom with clear pain, and even something like mild horror, twisting his handsome features. "I'm sorry, but I really need some air. Please don't wait up for me tonight. I love you, Lauren, deeply, but I need to be by myself right now."
Heart hurting for his inner turmoil, I said I understood, and he turned and all but flew out the bedroom door.
THE FINAL CHAPTER
Once Cole had left the house, I wondered if I'd pushed him too far. Despite the fact that I was having his child, I even wondered if I'd stuck my nose where it didn't belong in the first place. After all, I didn't think I'd like if very much if he suddenly started questioning my life choices. But then again, my life choices didn't include fighting for a murderous group hell-bent on domination. Also, I did have Cole's and my baby to worry about. The thought of him or her attacking communities and hurting people just to gain land actually made me feel sick.
I had a feeling that the thought had made Cole feel sick, too. I also had a feeling that he was
n't going to fight under the Angel flag forever. That at some point, whether very soon or whether only after years, he'd decide to do what was right. However, I knew that in the immediate future, he had other things to think about, namely Bennett and an impending battle. Realizing this, I now felt awful about the timing of my discussion with Cole about his father and everything else. In hindsight, though, I just couldn't bring myself to regret bringing up Commander Northrup and the possibility of an alliance with him, which was what had started the whole discussion in the first place.
I still thought the idea of an alliance was a good one, and it seemed to me that if Bennett gained any more men, it might even be necessary to prevent a slaughter of everyone in New Bad Axe. I knew that Cole was an incredibly strong shifter and Angel, and I still marveled over the fact that he'd taken on Eric Winthrop and nearly a dozen of his men single-handedly, and had actually killed them all. But I also knew that it was highly unlikely that Cole could take on several dozen fighters at once and win, which it almost seemed like he'd have to do in order to win any battle with Bennett, considering that even right at the moment, Bennett's fighters outnumbered Cole's fighters nearly two-to-one. And, of course, the ranks of Bennett's fighters seemed like they were still swelling. Cole's obviously weren't.
No matter what he thought about the possibility of eventually renouncing his allegiance to the Angels, I just hoped and prayed that Cole would quit being stubborn and at least agree to contact Commander Northrup about a possible temporary alliance. In fact, now that I was really thinking about it, I wished that I'd really stressed that Cole attempting an alliance would be him doing every single thing possible that he could do to ensure my and our baby's safety.
Reclining on a stack of pillows on our bed, I began running a hand over my rapidly-growing baby bump, deciding that I'd gently point this out to Cole when I saw him next, whenever that might be. I might also mention how ultimately agreeable I'd been in regards to me not using my Gifted powers in any battle, so that our baby would stay safe. Then, I might make the point that since I was doing every single thing possible to keep our baby safe, Cole should, too, including forging an alliance with Commander Northrup.
For the rest of the day, even though I vaguely felt like being alone, I tried to stay busy and engaged with other people in an attempt to keep myself from worrying endlessly about everything, knowing that if I gave in to an urge to shut myself if in my room, worrying would be all I'd do. First, I visited with Beth while she worked a shift in the tiny village bar, which was nearly empty, with only a single Angel on break from patrol nursing a frosty mug of beer in the corner. Beth still had kind of a halting, funny way of speaking, and she still sometimes fell back into her old habit of talking only to herself and ignoring everyone else; but for the most part, in the time since her husband had left the village in order to avoid death via Cole, she'd become a pretty good conversationalist, seeming to take a particular shine to having conversations with me. This made me happy, because I found her to be a very sweet, interesting woman, despite all her quirks, or maybe even because of them, and I was glad to be her friend.
After we'd had a discussion about the warm weather, and the condition of the tiny pumpkins growing in the community vegetable garden, she lowered her voice, muttering something I couldn't quite catch, then reached under the bar and produced a pair of knitted, pale sea-foam green baby booties, which she placed on the counter. "For the baby. I like to knit. Never had any kids of my own. So, if you want...I'll be your baby's...your baby's...."
Touched, and sensing she was getting "stuck" in her speech how she sometimes did, I suggested the word babysitter, trying to help.
But Beth just shook her head, momentarily biting her lower lip. "No. I wouldn't be good. Don't know anything about babies. But I'll be your baby's...I'll be your baby's...."
I cringed inwardly, desperately wanting to help her, but not knowing what else to suggest. However, to my relief, she soon got herself "unstuck" on her own.
"I'll be your baby's...official knitter."
Heart absolutely melting, I picked up the booties, smiling, and told Beth I'd love for her to be my baby's official knitter, which made her smile briefly, one of the few times I'd ever seen her do so. When three other Angels on break soon entered the bar and asked Beth for beers, I thanked her for the booties and left her to do her work, tucking the soft, tiny booties in my shorts pocket.
Next, I went next door and visited with Ella at the mini general store-slash-lending library, which was actually bustling with activity, meaning that three women were currently shopping. That was a pretty high number for our little village store; two of Cole's men had painted it a pale, sunny yellow at Cole's request, due to my request.
The current level of activity in the store was because Ella had recently started selling scented candles and bars of soap that she'd made herself, and they were proving to be pretty popular. Finally over my pregnancy-induced aversion to sweet scents, I took a whiff of a cookie-scented candle and ended up buying two, using gray-and-red paper bills that served as currency in all Angel territories. Like the black-and-red Angel flag, I thought the currency was pretty ugly and somehow vaguely depressing. Leaving the store, I hoped it might cease to be used in the future, if Cole ever decided to renounce his allegiance.
After leaving the store with my little bag of candles, I made a trip to see how the pumpkins were doing, then strolled over to Cassie's house, where she was actually up in an apple tree in the backyard, exclaiming that some of them were big enough to eat already. A little nervous about her standing on a branch taller than my head while pregnant, I told her to come down, and she soon did, but only after tossing me at least a half-dozen green-and-red apples, which I collected in my shirt.
Showing her background as a former high school gymnast, Cassie swung down from the lowest branch of the tree and landed on her feet with such control and grace that the impact only required her to do the slightest of knee bends.
"Now we can make baked apples. Maybe even a few cups of homemade applesauce, too."
"Great. But first, please promise me that you'll never again climb up for apples while you're still pregnant. I think Clark would have just about had a heart attack if he'd gotten home a minute ago."Tightening her short red ponytail, Cassie scoffed. "Oh...I don't think so. He's a very physically fit man, and he's never had a taste for artery-clogging junk food."
"From fear and anger, Cassie...from fear and anger. That's why Clark would have a heart attack. And I think you know damn well what I meant anyway."
Ignoring me, she broke into a jog, heading toward the house. "Last one in gets zero baked apples!"
Possibly because she was still in her early twenties, she seemed to be enjoying a much higher level of energy during her pregnancy than I was, not that I was that much older than her. She'd also never had even a trace of morning sickness. Mine, however, had improved somewhat in my fourth month, but I still had spells of it. Following Cassie into the house with my shirtful of apples, I was slightly envious.
Her perky, energetic buoyancy continued while we got our baked apples ready to put in the oven, sprinkling them with brown sugar, cinnamon, and chopped pecans and dotting them with butter; and I got the feeling that Clark hadn't shared anything with her regarding Bennett's ever-growing army of fighters. Or, I figured, maybe he had, but Cassie was just continuing to do well on her "trusting in our men and letting go of worry" program.
Really, the previous several weeks, she'd seemed to be doing great on it, saying that she just refused to let herself get worked up about anything she couldn't control. Which wasn't to say that she didn't think about things she couldn't control, she'd said, but that she refused to dwell on them and allow herself to get stressed out. I admired her for being able to do this, and thought it was a pretty healthy attitude, probably especially for a pregnant woman, I just wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to fully adopt the program myself. I may have been decent at distracting myself from thinking about thing
s that worried me, but refusing to ever give in to the worry at all seemed like a different thing entirely.
Literally as if reading my mind, once Cassie put the apples in the oven, she leaned against the counter with her expression becoming a bit more serious. "I know about Bennett's whole big army, you know. I'm just choosing not to freak out about it, because I'm choosing to trust in our men. And it's not even really a choice anymore; I do trust in them. Cole and Clark and the others are very strong. I have no doubt that they'll take care of Bennett's army, no matter the size it is, and no matter where the battle eventually takes place. I have zero fear. Zero anxiety."
I wished I could have said the same for myself, now that I was thinking about the subject I'd been trying to avoid thinking about all afternoon.
Folding my arms loosely across my ever-growing chest, which had increased a full cup size during my pregnancy, I leaned against the island, facing Cassie. "I trust in our men, too. But I'm still a little worried about everything, because although I trust Cole and Clark, I don't trust that all manner of crazy, unexpected things won't happen during the battle. Things like Bennett rolling in with three hundred men...four hundred, even. Things like them rolling in with a bomb or something. Who knows what."
"We can't do anything about that, though, Lauren. So, we just have to trust and let go. Or else go completely insane."
"Well, earlier, I thought of one thing we could do to give our side a little extra protection from disaster, but Cole vetoed the idea...and pretty forcefully."
"What was the idea?"
"I suggested that maybe he contact Commander Northrup of North Haven and try to forge some kind of a temporary alliance with him."Cassie broke into a sharp, short burst of laughter. "Oh, I'm not surprised about the veto, and good luck ever getting him to agree to anything like that."
"Well, I'm still going to try again. I think if he really loves me and the baby as much as he says he does, he should take all measures possible to keep us protected and safe...even if that includes making a temporary alliance with an enemy."
