by Lewis, R. J.
“Get in bed,” he told me tiredly. “Get some sleep.”
I sat down on the bed and looked at him. “I’m not going to be able to sleep, Hawke. You know that.”
He looked me over, frowning. “You look like shit, Emma.”
“Thanks,” I retorted sarcastically. “That’s just wonderful because I care so fucking much about the way I look right now.”
“I mean you look dead tired. I can’t have you sleep-deprived and acting out like you did out front of the tattoo place, yelling at me and shit. I need you level headed about the situation.”
“Level headed?”
“Yeah.”
“Borden is out there!” My eyes immediately welled up again. “I can’t lose him, Hawke.”
He sighed. “I know.”
He moved to sit down next to me. The bed shifted beneath his weight, nearly causing me to fall against him. He ran his hands through his long hair, and I looked at him in the light. He looked like shit too. Dark circles under his eyes. There was more dirt on his face than I initially realized. I looked down at his hands. His nails were cracked and broken, dirt beneath their surfaces.
This man had literally dug me up.
My heart tightened in my chest. “Thank you,” I whispered to him, gently.
His dark eyes met mine. “You don’t need to thank me.”
“You saved me.”
“You said that already.”
“You went on your hands and knees and dug me out.”
“Anyone would have done the same.”
“Are you seriously going to keep downplaying your rescue?”
His lips lifted barely. “Yeah, I am. Because I didn’t just save you for you. I saved you for Borden. He needs you.”
I scoffed. “Wow, what an awesome thing to tell someone. ‘Hey, I saved you not because I wanted you to have your life or anything, but because of your lover.’ Thanks, Hawke.”
He chuckled despite everything. “You’re a fucking gem, Emma. Sarcasm is the perfect response to have right now. Keep at it.”
I smiled for a second, and then a wave of emotion crashed into me at the same time. My smile went the other way, and in a heartbeat I choked on a cry and covered my face. I sobbed into my hands. And then I swallowed a huge lump and the faucet of tears turned off. I sucked in a breath and quickly wiped away my tears.
“You okay?”
“One minute I’m trying to be strong and the next I crumble.”
“You’re in shock. Your mind’s still trying to figure out what just happened. This is normal.”
I nodded and took long breaths. “You’re right about needing sleep. I’m just not functioning right now.”
“There’s a bathroom in the corner if you need to clean up. I’m sure there’s some of Ty’s clothes in the dresser that you can use until I send for yours. Try and sleep. I’ll be back in the morning with more information. You never know, Emma. Borden might not have gotten taken. He’s a resilient fucker. Maybe he’s kicking around somewhere.”
He got up and stood in front of me for a few moments. He stared at me, as if unsure if I would be okay on my own. I just nodded at him once more. I’d be okay. He turned around and left the room. The second the door closed, I buried my face into the nearby pillow and sobbed again.
I was not okay.
*
After my sob-fest, I inched into the bathroom warily. Thankfully, with a girl occupying the room, the bathroom wasn’t filthy. I didn’t know what I was expecting to find in a clubhouse bathroom, but it wasn’t pristine tile walls, pink bath mat and an endless combination of beauty products in a neat row along the counter.
I almost smiled. Almost. This Ty girl was a clean freak, and you’re only a clean freak in a biker clubhouse when you’re trying to get your mind off something or, judging by the pink in her cheeks at the mention of Hector, someone.
I turned the water on and stripped. I glanced briefly at the mirror before I stepped into the stall. I was filthy. My entire body was coated with bruises and deep scratches. My face was a mess. There was a giant blackening bruise around my eye. I was covered in soil top to bottom, and it sprinkled off of me, destroying the white bathroom with dark brown smudges.
I stepped inside and let the water wash over me. I didn’t think in that moment, nor did I feel. I just stood there, empty, trying my hardest not to let the images of Graeme lying in a pool of his blood in.
I’ll never talk to Graeme again. I will never see him alive again. I will never go to work and irritate the shit out of him. He’s dead. Just like that.
The second I felt my chest tightening, I took another deep breath in. Then I quickly washed myself. I didn’t care about what I was washing. I just squirted body wash in the palm of my hand and slid it over every inch of my body, determined to get it done so I could get out. I didn’t bother with my hair. I was on the verge of another meltdown. I quickly turned the water off and got out, grabbing a pink towel off a hook. I wrapped myself in it and hurried to the bed. I collapsed and crawled under the covers, throwing them over my head.
It was a miracle that I fell asleep.
*
I opened my eyes when a body sat down on the edge of the bed. Every inch of me was sore. I didn’t forget about last night, not even for a split second, as I regained consciousness. I was sure I’d slept for many hours. My eyes were still begging for sleep, and my body was more responsive. Emotionally I felt like a shell, and I knew it was Hawke beside me, so I waited for him to deliver the heart pounding news.
“There’s no sign of Borden.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart sank even further in my chest. I closed my eyes again, waiting for sleep to come. When I slept, everything disappeared for a while. But I wasn’t fortunate this time. Borden’s face flashed before my eyes.
Didn’t he just tell you he loved you?
“What are we going to do?” I finally asked.
“Keep looking,” Hawke said. “It’s just…we don’t know where to fucking look.”
“There are no witnesses?”
“If there are, nobody’s stepping forward.”
“Someone has to know something.”
“I know.”
“Well figure it out then! You’re bikers, right? Don’t you beat people and take names?”
When Hawke didn’t answer, I threw the covers off of me and sat up. He looked at me and then quickly looked away, his jaw tensing.
“What?” I grated out. “What is it?”
“You’re not wearing anything, Emma.”
I looked down at my bare body. I waited for that humiliating feeling to come rushing through, but there was nothing.
“Sorry for dirtying our bubble of modesty, Hawke,” I mocked, throwing the covers over my chest. “How inconsiderate of me.”
He set his elbows on his knees and ran both hands over his long black hair. He grabbed a chunk of it and squeezed. “Quit being short with me, Emma. I’m fucking trying right now, alright? I’ve been out there for twelve hours. I’ve rounded all the men, questioned them to hell and back, and now the members of the club are doing a search. It’s not over.”
Just as he said that the bedroom door opened, and Hector stepped in, not giving a shit that he might be intruding. Talk about lack of privacy in this place. He didn’t look angry anymore, but he wasn’t happy either.
“I’ve just made some calls,” he stated, looking at me. “Everyone’s on the look-out. We’ll be snatching more of Mulligan’s men over the next couple days. They’ll get everything out of them and hopefully find his body.”
“His body?” I repeated, my voice deadening.
Hector shrugged, frowning. “Babe, we have to be realistic about this.”
“Babe? Last night I was Bitch and now I’m Babe?”
“After my dear brother punched me, I’ve upgraded my fucking speech for you. Would you rather I continue calling you Bitch?”
“Fucking hell,” Hawke cursed. “Why the fuck are we
arguing right now?”
I pointed at Hector and screamed, “Because he just assumed Borden is dead!”
“Terry Mulligan is a crazy fucking lunatic,” Hector snapped, leaning down to my level. “Look how fast he ordered your hit. They didn’t even fucking rape you, did they?”
I hesitated before responding, “No, they didn’t.”
“Yeah, because he wanted you out of the fucking picture as soon as humanly possible. If he’s got Borden, then who’s to say the same outcome hasn’t happened?”
“It hasn’t,” I argued, my voice cracking. “You’re not searching hard enough.”
Hector scoffed and shook his head. “Look at my brother, woman. Look how broken he is. He’s been out there for hours. We’ve all been doing our part, and we haven’t come up with anything. So please, if you’re so much fucking better at this criminal fuckery than the criminal fucking brigade, enlighten us. Where shall we look? You tell us and we’ll fucking obey your high command.”
I didn’t respond straight away. Hector stood up and continued to shake his head, mouthing off about my ignorance. I wracked my brain for something – anything – that would prove him wrong. Borden wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be dead. He had always appeared so untouchable to me. There was no way…
“I mean, what the fuck were you guys doing out in the middle of bumfuck anyway?” Hector muttered under his breath. “You were fucking looking for trouble.”
And then it hit me.
“Blythe,” I said quietly, grabbing their attention. “We were going to get my friend Blythe from a titty bar.” I felt like an idiot. “She seemed desperate for a ride and said there were men out front that were threatening. She begged me to pick her up. Said she had nobody else to turn to. We didn’t make it. There were already tire spikes on the road. They knew…they knew we were coming.”
The brothers stared at one another.
“Emma,” Hawke then said softly, “we’re going to give you a piece of paper and you’re going to give us her name and her address. Can you do that?”
I nodded. My life was falling apart all around me. “I can do that.”
Nineteen
Emma
They were gone for several hours. The only person that came to see me was Tyler with a plate of breakfast. Why she was back after Hawke was so adamant she leave was beyond me.
“You hungry?” she asked me.
I stared at her. She was small and soft looking. Her hair was the colour of caramel and her skin was creamy white. She had a look of innocence I didn’t think was possible to have given her choice of residence. I didn’t say anything to her as she placed the plate of waffles on the bed and slowly backed away, looking uncomfortable by my silence.
“You don’t have to go,” I found myself whispering just as she reached the door.
She turned around. “You want me to stay?”
I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. “Please.”
She came to me and sat down on the bed, resting her back against the wall. She didn’t try and make conversation. She didn’t even lay a comforting hand on my shoulder. It was like she didn’t know how to, or she chose not to. I glanced at her as she stared ahead, focused on a spot on the wall. Her indifference reminded me of myself at her age. Was she rough around the edges? Was that why she was here?
I liked having these questions. They distracted me from feeling pain.
“How old are you?” I asked her.
“Nineteen,” she answered.
“You’re very pretty.”
Her cheeks flushed and she smiled. She had particularly plump lips. “Thanks. You are too.”
“Can you talk?” I asked her. “I need to get my head away from Borden right now. I’m barely coping and I don’t want to spend all my time crying right now.”
She just looked at me with this surprise in her eyes. “You want to talk to me? You don’t want me to get anyone else?”
“No, I prefer you.”
She let out a long breath, as if truly shocked that someone was interested in her. “Okay, um. What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t care. Anything. Everything.”
She nodded quickly and then talked. Little did I realize the door I’d just opened.
Tyler never shut up.
*
“You fucking serious right now?” Hawke fumed as he walked into the room, glaring at Tyler. “I dropped you off at the apartment, Ty!”
“I had nowhere else to go,” she replied snottily, that teenage fire alive inside her.
He just pursed his lips and stared hard at her for a long moment. Then he said, “Get out. I need to talk to Emma.”
She left the room in a hurry. The girl was awkward for a reason. Her life was a pretty fucked up one. My ears were still ringing from all that information dump. Hawke took a seat next to me, and I waited patiently, resignedly, for what he had to say. I knew what was coming. Blythe had sold me out. That was the only logical explanation.
“What happened?” I asked him. He just looked at me, and that was answer enough. Anger ignited inside of me. “Why did she do it?”
“She said men had come around and forced her to. But then we found over five thousand dollars and a small bag of coke under her mattress, and she fucking crumbled. They paid her off. Your good friend is a coke whore, darling, ever since she met a fucked up guy with a bit of money and too much attention to give her. She made excuses, that Borden was a stalker, and that she was only trying to look out for you.”
“Fucking bitch,” I cursed sharply, fisting my hands as the anger continued to flow within me. “That fucking little bitch, I trusted her!”
“You gotta start trusting people in your own circle.”
“She was in my circle.”
“Not when you decided to be with Borden.”
My breathing sped up. “Have you killed her?”
He shook his head. “We beat her around a bit. Had to, but…didn’t kill her. Hector decided in the end that it was up to you what happens to her. If you want her gone, just say the word.”
Yeah, I wanted her gone. I wanted them to peel that lying skin off her face. Wanted her eyes carved out of her head. Wanted her burned and torn apart. I panted as the adrenaline continued to run its course.
“She might do it again,” Hawke added. “You can’t have that sort of threat around.”
He was right. I couldn’t have that threat around. Her life was in my hands, and I felt a rage so fierce it fucked with my idea of right and wrong.
“No,” I finally said roughly, trying to think clearly. “Don’t kill her. Tell her she needs to get the fuck away from New Raven. Threaten her that if she ever comes back, she’ll be sorry.”
“Okay. We’ll do that.”
“Would Borden have done that?”
“What do you think?”
I shook my head. “He wouldn’t.”
“You’re right. He would have had her killed for hurting you, but…he would understand your decision. He did the same thing to Kate’s father. He tried sneaking into the club with a gun.”
I stilled. “I remember that. It was him?”
“Yeah. Borden couldn’t go through with the kill. Too much history, like you and Blythe. Told him to leave and never come back. We’ll scare the girl. It’ll likely work and you’ll never have to deal with her again.”
Despite how angry I felt, it was still difficult to hear that. We had so much history, Blythe and I. So many hours spent talking, so many secrets exchanged, experiences shared. I kind of felt like I had to part from an important limb. Briefly, I wondered whether she just needed help. Maybe she was desperate and it wasn’t the real her that would sell me out, but a drug-deprived version of her.
Does it even matter? Borden is gone without a trace and she betrayed you.
“I know it’s hard,” Hawke said, noticing my struggle. “But this is where you get stronger.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “Just…get rid of her then.”
&n
bsp;
