Over and over I reminded myself of Frank’s words. She’d told Numero Uno to fuck off, and that she’d rather spend the rest of her life with my vegetative body than with him. I was sure that the idiot didn’t have a shred of self-esteem and would gladly forgive her for breaking his heart.
Stop.
The obsessing usually began with jealousy, and I’d already lost track of her in the crowd as I struggled to focus on the party.
His hands on her, in that dirty cabin, his mouth on hers.
They’d had a baby together.
She’d gone home with him in Pennsylvania.
How did I know that she didn’t sleep with him, when I was in LA and she was living in their dumpy little house in Ohio?
Every night, in the same house, with her gorgeous body and her weak indecisions.
Maybe they touched. Maybe he kissed her, and she permitted it for a few seconds before pushing him away.
“Keaton! Over here,” Frank called, raising his glass with Max and Luke. “Jimmy Fallon wants you and Vivian on the show. I just talked to him- he’s over there near the door,” he said, searching the crowd quickly.
“Maker’s Mark, neat,” I told the bartender.
Luke held two glasses in his hand, passing me the second. “Already got you, bro.”
He handed me the drink, and as I took a sip, I realized that it was ice water.
He looked away, refusing to meet my eyes, and it took every ounce of my self-control not to make a scene.
“Luke, a word.”
I gestured to the balcony that overlooked the pool, and had already told security that it was off-limits except for me or my family.
He followed me out, and as I closed the door, he’d already begun his defense. “It’s early. Vivian asked me to help you at the bar.”
I tipped the drink back, downing the water before carefully lowering the glass to the table on the patio. My shoulder stung, and I forced myself not to wince. “Do you know how hard it was for me to swallow when I woke up from that fucking coma? How much I wanted to drink even the smallest sip of water, but couldn’t make my throat function enough to do it?”
He met my eyes, lowering his own glass to the table next to mine. I realized then that he was also drinking water, and I wanted to clock him right in his martyred fucking face.
“Look at her, Keaton.” His voice was distant as he looked through the French doors over my shoulder. I remained perfectly still, focused on his face, and I knew that he was watching Vivian. “She’s nothing like any girl in the world. She funny, and sweet, and patient. Too patient. Don’t push her,” he warned. “You have everything in the world right now. If you need help, I’ll help. If you need someone to beat up, I’m here. But don’t let alcohol do to you what it did to Dad.”
I hardened at his reference to our father, my jaw tightening as I struggled for control. “Did you just compare me to our fucking father?”
“There you go. Get pissed off at me. Do what you need to do.”
“You listen to me, you little shit,” I replied evenly, my tone laden with ice. “I get that you want to fuck my wife. You’re not the only one. If you think that saving me from my drinking is going to make you the motherfucking hero to Vivian, you’re out of your mind.”
“I’m not trying to be the hero, and I’m not trying to fuck your future wife.” His voice was heavy with sadness, and there wasn’t an ounce of defensiveness in his words. “I’m going to let you say whatever you need to say because I love you, Keat. I love you and I know you’re angry, and in pain, and you want to drink. Bad. Let me be the bad guy. But don’t do it to Vivian.”
I scoffed, shaking my head and turning toward the door. “Fuck you, Luke.”
“You have it all,” he called behind me. “Do I envy you? Yes. I’m also happier for you than anyone else in the world. Don’t let her down,” he added.
I moved back into the party, letting the door slam and the glass shake behind me.
I Confess
V
I was twenty-three years old.
I lived in a mansion in Malibu. I was to be married to the hottest up-and-coming actor, and an Oscar winning director.
I had the sweetest, most beautiful daughter in the world, and the lead role in the most anticipated film of the coming year.
I couldn’t stop worrying.
It was all bound to end. I’d come from a place where fairytales didn’t exist. Life existed. Life, where people broke other people’s hearts, or fell out of love, or lost the ones that they loved.
I couldn’t feel settled.
Keaton had made a bee-line for the bar, even after he’d promised not to drink. I’d seen Luke walk out onto the patio with him, and I was hoping that he was reminding him not to drink so much so early.
When I saw him again almost an hour later, his face was a mask of polite enthusiasm. He moved through the crowd with ease, stopping to talk to the famous faces that I was too intimidated to walk up to- even if it was my birthday party.
“Viv, Charlie’s ready for bed,” Robin called, gesturing to the door. “Mom just texted.”
I nodded, politely excusing myself from Ash Salter and his new girlfriend. There was a smaller staircase from the kitchen, and I moved around the caterers, nearly colliding with Keaton on the other side of the door.
“Hey, I was just going to put Charlie to bed,” I explained, gesturing to the stairs. “Were you going up, too?”
He gave me a strange look, nodding. “Sure. I’ll go up with you.”
He’d come from the opposite direction, and I realized that he’d been in his office. “Are you okay? How’s your shoulder?”
Ignoring me, he started for the stairs, and I narrowed my eyes, following after him. It wasn’t like him to completely disregard my concern, but I knew that he was probably really wanting a drink.
“She’s all set,” Jane said with a grin, gesturing to Charlie’s nursery. “Diaper changed, and she just had her last bottle. How’s the party? Oh, Vivian, you look so beautiful. Both of you, the most glamorous couple I’ve ever seen.”
Keaton reached for Charlie, his eyes focused on her as I smiled at his mother. “Thank you. Are you sure you don’t want to go downstairs? My mom said she’d stay with Charlie if you do-”
“Oh, no. I have such an early flight in the morning, and I have a feeling that Robin will be a bear to wake up as it is. Your parents have an earlier flight than I do, just let them sleep, dear.”
“Daddy loves you,” Keaton whispered, settling into the rocking chair. Charlie stuck her thumb into her mouth, reaching with her other hand to touch her father’s face.
“I... can rock her,” I offered as Jane left, but Keaton shook his head, kissing her little fingers.
“I got her. You go dance. Enjoy yourself. It’s your party,” he clipped.
I stood still, sighing, trying to muddle through the confusion and apprehension that seemed to weigh on my chest. “You sound like you’re... mad at me for some reason.”
He lifted his cool gaze to mine, the gold flecks that I loved so much catching in the soft glow of Charlie’s nightlight. “I’m not mad at you, Vivian. But if you need to talk it out, Luke’s right downstairs.”
I snapped my mouth shut, tightening my fists at my sides.
I’d had it with his constant defensiveness and indignation over Luke.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded.
He kept his gaze even, his tone almost sing-song as he replied. “This isn’t a good time. I’m rocking our daughter to sleep. We’ll talk in just a while, Vivie.”
Oh, God, I was instantly pissed. I knew he used that nickname, the name that Luke called me, on purpose. “Well, then, Keaton,” I replied with just as much sweet animation. “I guess I’ll go dance then.”
I turned on my heel, stalking from the room and rushing down the stairs. Tears threatened, and I held them back, letting them fester and turn to anxious anger.
I needed to find Mari
ssa. Or Robin. Or someone to talk to that would agree with me that Keaton was acting like a jealous fucking idiot.
For no reason! I’d never given him any reason to be jealous of Luke. Matthew, I understood. But Luke?
I’d had Ash Salter’s hands all over me, right in front of him, and he’d continued to tell him how to kiss me and when to grind his hips against mine. What in the fuck was wrong with him?
I finally found Robin near the bar, and she grinned as I approached. “You and Keaton sneak off to ‘put the baby to bed?’” she asked, flashing me my signature air quotes and grinning lewdly.
I covered my mouth so that I wouldn’t burst into tears, and she realized immediately that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
“Can we go somewhere quiet for a sec?” I begged, but she was already leading me toward the door, fumbling for a cigarette.
“Cake in five. Let’s hurry,” she ordered. Once we were safely out along the side patio, she lowered her face to mine. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Keaton,” I burst, unable to hold back the tears for another second. “He’s been... he’s been so much better over the past few months, but when he wants to drink, and I tell him he shouldn’t drink, not with his meds, he gets so... so annoyed with me, maybe even angry. And he’s accusing me of- of wanting to be with other men, even though I’ve given him no reason to think that I do!”
“Okay,” she agreed, nodding and fishing into her clutch for what turned out to be tissues. “He’s an alcoholic, Vivian. We have about three minutes before we have to go back inside, but let me sum up what I’ve learned after years of off-and-on AA. One,” she began, ticking her words off with each finger of her hand, “you can’t change him. Two, he has a shit ton of issues from everything that has happened, and jealousy and possessiveness isn’t new. It’s only getting worse. And three,” she said finally, her face falling, “If he wants to change- and that’s a big if- you can’t help him by yourself. He needs professional help. You understand?”
I nodded tearfully, struggling with her words.
Was I making his behavior out to be something more than it was? Was I blowing everything out of proportion? We’d had such a great stretch of weeks, and it felt like we’d grown closer every day with Charlie to bond us. “I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, the helplessness of my words clawing into my chest.
“You don’t do anything right now. You enjoy the rest of your party. I’ll talk to Keaton with you, and I’m sure my mom and Luke will, too. He needs a mini-intervention. Okay?”
“No,” I whispered, shaking my head. I could only imagine how that would go down, with Luke sitting him down and telling him that he needed help as I cowered in the corner. “No, that’ll only make him angrier. I’ll talk to him. He’s in so much pain, and he’s been through so much...”
“Viv, you’re one woman. You can only handle so much. You’ve been through a lot too, and you still manage to hold this entire family together. You’re not even married to him yet, and look at how much you’ve dedicated your entire life to him. Every waking moment. I could talk to you about codependency, but it’s cake time.”
I sighed, dabbing at my tears and forcing a smile to my face.
She shook her head, pulling me into a hug. “I think you’re such a good actress because you have so much practice making other people believe that you’re happy. You’re not responsible for Keaton. You can love him, but you can’t take responsibility for his behavior and actions.”
I said nothing as I went back into the house and assumed my position as hostess- and guest of honor.
Moments before they sang to me, Keaton slipped through the crowd to stand at my side. No matter what was happening in his personal life, I’d learned that he would always rise to the occasion if it involved the public eye. He was a natural born star, the kind of celebrity who craved his audience’s attention almost as much as they craved his.
I cut the cake, and people settled in with their desserts as Keaton led me to the dance floor.
Nothing mattered when we danced together. We moved in perfect rhythm, the kind of cadence that two people in love swayed to effortlessly. He kissed me during the slow songs, locking my face in his hands to coax a passion that was better suited for the bedroom. Cameras flashed, and I knew that our dance floor make-out would be the headlines for the entertainment news first thing in the morning.
At some point Max asked me to dance, and I could tell immediately that he had two left feet and only wanted to get me alone to talk shop. “Keaton wants Ash for Gaston. I’m completely against it.”
I shrugged, glancing over at Ash as he accepted a champagne flute from a server “Why is he so dead set on Ash?”
“The attack scene is pretty brutal. He doesn’t want anyone else’s hands on you, and somehow I think he trusts Ash.”
“I’m not getting involved,” I told him with a resolute headshake. “I’ve got enough going on and I don’t need Keaton annoyed with me for another reason.”
Max narrowed his eyes and looked like he wanted to ask about my comment, but the song ended and I politely excused myself.
I needed some air. I needed everyone to leave, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and hadn’t had a second to stop and eat dinner. My stomach growled, and I walked back through the kitchen, putting together a plate of cheese and crackers on my way out the door.
The private garden behind the kitchen was dark, and I nearly screamed and dropped my plate when I realized that I wasn’t alone.
“Are you hiding from your own party?” Luke asked. He sat back in the chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him and his hands behind his neck.
“Kind of,” I admitted softly.
He sat up, pulling the chair out next to him and gesturing to my plate. “I can hear how tired you are, and that’s not enough for dinner. Wait here, I’ll bring you a plate, okay?”
I nodded, despising the second-guessing that I was doing as I let him take care of me. Never, not once in our year together, had I even thought about Luke on anything other than familial terms.
Now, with Keaton’s constant, jealous jabs, I stiffened as he touched my hand on his way to the kitchen.
It’s not me, it’s Keaton, I kept telling myself. I need Luke. I grew closer to him than anyone while Keaton was in the hospital, and I don’t know what I’d have done without him.
I didn’t want to think about how sickened I’d feel if Keaton suddenly barred him from our lives.
He returned minutes later with a thin piece of chicken, mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables. “I looked for Jolly Ranchers, but they were all gone.”
I smiled, thanking him for the plate. “Have you seen Keaton?”
Luke tucked his hands into his pockets, standing next to the chair that he’d been sitting in. “Vivie, you know how much I love you, right?”
His words sent chills over my arms, and I paused with my fork in midair, meeting his eyes in the darkness.
“What do you mean?” I asked finally.
“That’s what I mean.” He shook his head, slowly returning to his chair. “What Keaton’s doing. Putting this weirdness between us. I feel it. I feel shitty every time I say something caring to you, or help you in some way. He’s very jealous, and even though he has no reason to be, I have no business being involved in your relationship. Or your marriage,” he added pointedly.
“What are you saying?” I asked, already knowing where he was headed.
“If we stopped talking for a while, how much would that hurt you?”
I lowered my fork to my plate, folding my napkin in my hands.
“Luke...”
“It was so much easier when I was seeing Heidi. He backed off. Now that we broke up, it seems like it’s ten times worse. I can’t let him think of me like that, and I refuse to let him think of you like that.”
“He has no reason to be resentful towards you.”
“Doesn’t he?” Luke leaned forward, reaching to tuck a
long hair behind my ear. “How many nights have I said goodnight to you? More than Keaton has. How many times did I take you to your doctor’s appointments, or feel Charlie move in your stomach... or see her on the ultrasound screen? I took his place for a year, Vivian. I understand his resentfulness.”
“But it was never like that,” I rushed, locking my fingers over his wrist. “Never. I never once had any feelings for you that weren’t... that...”
I fell into silence. I knew his expressive eyes well enough to know what was coming.
He lowered his gaze to the ground, shifting his body away from mine.
I knew what was about to say.
I couldn’t handle it, and I tried to stand, but he caught my hand in his, finally meeting my eyes.
“Please just let me say this,” he said, more of a demand than a plea. “I need to.”
“Don’t ruin this,” I begged, gripping his hand in mine. “Don’t change everything.”
“From the day I met you, I liked you. Really liked you. You were funny, and charming, and you... the way that you cared so much for my brother... I could tell how genuine you were. It made you an even better actress than you realize.”
“Luke, please,” I whispered.
“When my marriage fell apart, and Keaton was in the hospital... you were there. You were there for me just as much as I was there for you. I got confused. I hated myself for... for wanting more.”
“But you don’t feel that way now, do you?” I burst, unable to listen to him confess that he’d fallen in love with me while Keaton was fighting for his life.
He let go of my hand, looking down. “You deserve happiness. A perfect life with Keaton and Charlie. Not to be manipulated by him, or let down by him, or to have to deal with his alcoholism. I know what that’s like. I grew up with that, Vivian.”
“I love how much you care about me,” I forced. “But Luke, you can’t know what this is like. Loving someone so much... and feeling him falling apart, and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it...”
Beyond Hereafter (The Movie Trilogy Book 3) Page 6
