by Joshua Price
Then again, what if natural causes killed Alfredo? He was old, after all. Captain Rescue’s mind wandered as he contemplated mortality, and then he laughed aloud at the thought of Alfredo’s skeleton standing upright with an apron hanging over his forearm and a platter resting upon the tips of his whitewashed fingers. Captain Rescue realized the enjoyment being had from Alfredo’s hypothetical death—and sighed.
“What are you laughing and then sighing about?” Dr. Malevolent questioned.
“Uh… nothing,” he said in a blatant attempt not to draw attention to Alfredo, or the secret base beneath their feet.
“Oh, so you’re just prone to randomly laughing and then sighing for no apparent reason?” She paused for a moment and then added, “Oh, who am I kidding. You’re practically insane; of course you’re prone to it.”
“Yeah, that’s it… I’m insane.”
His brain and he then had an argument about whether Dr. Malevolent could find his hideout in the past if she discovered it here in the future. Captain Rescue’s reasoning was that since the past and the future were two different things, with two entirely different locations, she could not possibly find the hideout in their own time. His brain tried as it might to convince the hero that these thoughts really did border on sheer insanity, and it eventually showed him the way by pointing out that, by Captain Rescue’s logic, knowing where his secret base was in the past meant not knowing where it was the future. That shut him right up.
Ironically, the entrance was not even in this building, or on factory grounds. The hidden road leading to his secret base was about a mile away underneath a rarely used back road. Captain Rescue did not quite comprehend the mechanics that made it work, but whenever he pressed a button within his crime-fighting vehicle, The Rescue Machine, the road would lower. This ramp would lead him into the underground tunnel, and the best part was that it hardly broke down—most of the time.
Shafts of light cut through the chunks missing from the urinal cake factory’s roof, giving the crates all around a beautiful pink glow while a certain spire loomed in the background. The treasures held within these boxes could be summed up in two very appropriate words: urinal cakes, boxes upon boxes upon boxes of urinal cakes; urinal cakes of many different sizes, colors, smells, and compositions. It was a urinal cake fan’s wet dream—all one of them, and he just so happened to be right here. As inconspicuously as possible, Freight set down his shotgun, grabbed a few handfuls of urinal cakes, and shoved them into his pockets.
“What are you doing?” Dr. Malevolent asked him.
Freight looked like a kid whose mother had caught him doing something wrong. “I… uh… um… yeah.”
“Did you just pocket a bunch of those cakes?” she teased.
“I thought maybe they’d come in handy at some point.”
“How on Earth could they ever come in handy?”
Freight shrugged. “You never know when you’ll need a good cake.”
“I’m pretty certain the answer to that question is: never.”
Freight just glared at her and then resumed rummaging through the cakes.
“Now,” Dr. Malevolent turned away from the cake fanatic, “Let’s figure out where this supply depot is so we can blow it up.”
“Well, it’s certainly not underground,” Captain Rescue said with a forced and awkward laugh just before his face adorned a glare that could frighten children.
Dr. Malevolent just frowned at him. She had a hard time taking anything he said seriously, even these subtle hints towards the location of his secret base.
“We’re not going to find it standing around here like this,” Charlie said before looking at Freight, “or digging through boxes of urinal cakes.”
“Don’t worry, I’m good,” he replied with bulged pockets.
“Yeah,” Captain Rescue exclaimed, “let’s get out of here!” His mind was other places anyway. The more time they spent here, the bigger the chance Dr. Malevolent would stumble upon his super-secret base, or that he would give it away—their relationship just was not ready to take that step. As it stood now, she would likely try to blow it and the hero to smithereens. From the back of the factory amongst the urinal cake stocks, Captain Rescue made for the door, not realizing that there was no reason he should even know where it was.
“Where are you going?” Dr. Malevolent said as her condescending tone cut through the air like a bullet.
“To the door, where else?”
“Oh. How do you know where it is?”
Captain Rescue panicked. “I... uh… I used to work here when I was a kid.” He kept walking, hoping she would not linger on it.
Dr. Malevolent laughed. “Aww, cute little Captain Rescue tending to the urinal cakes.”
“That’s me” he said, walking as briskly as he could, “cute little Captain Rescue loving his urinal cakes!”
As Freight jumped in, a wave of relief overcame Captain Rescue, “You love urinal cakes too?!”
“Why yes, yes I do,” he lied, “they are the most wonderful things in existence. I used to spent hours as a child stacking them as high as they would go.”
Freight’s words cracked, “Ah yes, urinal cake castles, those were the best of times.” He then groaned, and a few seconds later added, “No Courtney, those times pale in comparison to how wonderful you and I have it!” Freight slid his shotgun out of his belt and gave the barrel a loving pat.
Continuing with his brisk pace, Captain Rescue turned a corner, and down the hall, the lobby awaited. He grew increasingly anxious as the double doors neared, their shattered glass jagged and sharp like this dolphin driven apocalypse. The sooner he got out of here, the sooner he and the others would find hairy bigfoot and not-so-hairy dolphins to distract them from the urinal cake factory and his hidden secret base, the hub of operations, the most important aspect of his hero lifestyle. If it were to ever fall, Captain Rescue would be doomed, absolutely doomed.
The hero could feel his flushed skin and the perspiration drenching his armpits. He kept his back to the others, hoping that once he made it outside into the cool pink air, he would be able to hide his anxiety. Captain Rescue entered the lobby and moments later he kicked open the front door, shattering the glass even further. He rushed outside panting like a marathon runner who had just completed the big race dressed in a hazmat suit. As the others came out of the urinal cake factory, Captain Rescue stood straight up and tried his best to act nonchalant as the nervous sweat dripped from his brow.
Dr. Malevolent took one look at the hero and then let loose a hearty laugh. Then, like a tour guide, she pointed towards one of the roads. “And if you follow that road, you can find the secret entrance to Captain Rescue’s hideout!”
“What!? How did you know about that?” he replied with a childish whine.
“Well, you’re not exactly subtle. I just followed you one day, and there it was.”
“It’s destroyed, you destroyed it didn’t you?!”
“When would I have had the chance to blow up your secret hideout?”
Captain Rescue’s eyes practically rolled into the back of his head as he pondered the question.
After about thirty seconds, Dr. Malevolent shook her head and laughed. “See, we’ve been together for the last few days.”
He glanced at her. “A few days? It’s been THREE YEARS!”
She cringed. “Three years? It’s only been two days for us.”
“But you could have blown up my super-secret base at any point in the last three years.”
“Do you have any comprehension of how time travel even works?”
With an utterly offended look, Captain Rescue cried out, “Of course I do, I’ve seen Back to the Future!”
Freight stepped between them, a cross look upon his face. “Would you two stop flirting for one second so we can save the damned world?”
Captain Rescue threw up his hand. “Wait! I just have one last question.”
She let out a quick sigh. “What is it?”
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“How come you haven’t stormed my secret base and killed me yet?”
“Because, believe it or not, despite my tyrannical malevolence, I have honor. I’m not going to just sneak in there at the dead of night and slit your throat. Where’s the fun in that?”
“Oh.” Captain Rescue rubbed his throat. “I guess that’s admirable. You must not really hate me that much.”
“No, believe you me, I hate you. I just want to watch your suffer for an inordinate amount of time before you finally keel over. It brings me joy.”
“So, you’d miss me when I’m gone?!”
“I would miss the frequent attempts at killing you, not the person. But we digress; let’s get a move on so we can save the world.” She looked at Charlie. “Now where’s this supply depot we’re going to rig to blow.”
“Don’t look at me, I don’t have a clue. It’s gotta be somewhere close by though, and I’m sure it’s hard to miss,” Charlie replied with a shrug.
They followed the factory’s sidewalk to the bent and twisted front gates. Some urinal cake fanatic must have come bursting through them in search of his or her favorite snack. Outside the gates, the road split either left or right with a vacant lot directly across the street. Captain Rescue, ready as ever to save the world, tried to decide which direction to lead the small band of time-travelers. To his right, the road that led towards his super-secret base, something he certainly wanted to steer clear of. Despite her fond words, Captain Rescue still felt the distinct possibility that if Dr. Malevolent came anywhere near secret base, she would still try to blow it sky high—or as sky high as someone could blow something so far underground.
With that off limits, Captain Rescue looked down the opposite road, if it could even be considered one. Some dolphin-born force of mayhem had split it in two. From inside this road-gash, a peculiar pink broth boiled upwards, spilling onto the road and sizzling as it instantly boiled away. As inviting as the road might have been, Captain Rescue decided against it. He was no fan of boiling pink mixtures.
He pointed to the vacant lot beckoning him and shouted to his friends, “Onward!”
Captain Rescue pranced across the street trying in his own unique manner to be as subtle as possible, like a ninja. It did not work well. The hero had about as much in common with a ninja as an elephant did. He made it to the lot and dove headfirst into tall grass that had not seen a mower in well over three years. As his cohorts crossed the street, Captain Rescue slid his hands through the undergrowth, spread it open, and then stuck his head out, spying on them from afar.
Dr. Malevolent strutted up to him and asked, “What are you doing down there?”
“I am being vigilant. You never know where the enemy might be lurking.”
“If they’re lurking anywhere, it would probably be somewhere on the other side of this lot, but congratulations on vigilantly watching us cross the street.”
Captain Rescue slinked back into undergrowth and disappeared entirely. After a few seconds, he popped up reinvigorated and pretending that the last two minutes had never happened. He spun around and then waved over his shoulder, ordering the troops onward. With one foot forward, Captain Rescue began the march. After about thirty paces, he halted and glanced over his shoulder, but to the hero’s dismay, his army only mocked him from afar.
“We must stick together while we traverse the Field of Death!” he yelled to them. “There is no telling what lurks within this grass, our lives could be at stake!”
The others started to move forward while they laughed at the boisterous Captain Rescue. He stared back at his army and silently urged them to pick up the pace before something grabbed him from the underbrush and dragged him away.
He jerked violently, jumped to his side, and yelled, “I think I felt something grab my leg!”
“Are you sure it wasn’t your shoe?” Dr. Malevolent called across the field, trying her best to sound genuinely concerned.
Captain Rescue looked down. “Oh, I think you might be right.”
The others trekked across the Field of Death while the hero kept a watchful eye to the ground, on the lookout for anything snaking through the grass, be it a snake, a dolphin, or his shoe. Captain Rescue, head still pointed downwards, felt someone crash into him. The hero glanced up to see Freight grinning down at him.
“I think we’re safe for now,” Captain Rescue said authoritatively as he paid no attention to Freight’s attempt at playing the bully.
Dr. Malevolent threw her arms into the air. “Oh great Captain Rescue, where would we be without your leadership? I hazard to guess!”
“Would you keep your voice low?” Charlie hushed her. “We’re practically in the middle of a war zone; we don’t want them to know we’re here.”
Dr. Malevolent laughed. “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure if there were any of those timefaring dolphins nearby we would know about—” the nearby clang of an armored dolphin interrupted her. “I stand corrected,” she said with a straight face.
Without saying anything further, she dropped into the grass and hid herself from the incoming patrol. Charlie did the same as his costume collected all sorts of dirt along the way, and as Captain Rescue rescinded into the grass, Freight just stood there. He had not yet gotten the opportunity go head to head with a dolphin and now seemed like the perfect chance. Charlie could see the gears within Freight’s head cranking away with plans of bloodshed, so he whacked the giant man and stared up at him, recommending he get down here before the dolphin blew him up. Freight grumbled and dropped to his stomach.
Through the grass, they could barely make out the dolphin as it approached. To their surprise, the creature was alone—no ape escorts and no prisoners in tow. Freight nudged Charlie and motioned for the dolphin, begging silently for the chance to have at it.
Charlie shook his head and whispered for all to hear, “We should follow it, let it lead us to this supply depot so we can rig it to blow.”
“We can’t just kill it?” Freight growled.
“I’m not exactly sure that’s a task we can accomplish with just your shotgun.”
Freight looked surprised. “Who said anything about Courtney?”
Dr. Malevolent peered at the dolphin through the grass. “We’re not even sure where it’s going.”
“Well, it can’t be going anywhere too far off alone like that. I say we see where it’s headed; with any luck it’ll lead us straight to that supply depot.”
“Fine! After you!”
As the dolphin turned a nearby corner and faded from view, the gang darted out of the grass and followed in hot pursuit.
Chapter 14: Two Hours Later
From behind the cover of a streetlight, Dr. Malevolent and the others watched the dolphin patrol aimlessly. She looked to Charlie, annoyance in her eyes, and said, “The damn thing is going absolutely nowhere, and we’re practically back at the urinal cake factory! This is the last time we ever listen to you for advice!”
“Well, we’ve been following it for this long, it’s gotta get to its destination soon. There’s no reason to give up now!”
“Fine! But if we have to revisit this conversation in another two hours, I’m just going to knee you in the groin.”
“Challenge accepted.”
Still safe behind the streetlight, the silent pursuers watched the dolphin turn at the end of the block, shadowed by a giant pink spike that had burst forth from the heaving Earth and sliced straight through the corner building. Despite the frightening impaling, the building somehow remained intact. Free from prying dolphin eyes, they darted down after the patrol. As the gang passed by the spike, Captain Rescue gazed up at it. The hero couldn’t help but to wonder how it would feel to have something like that impale him. Because thinking and walking was not something he did well, Captain Rescue started to lag behind the others. They turned the corner, and, after concluding that an impaling would most certainly hurt—a lot, Captain Rescue caught up and walked directly into Freight and Charlie, who had come t
o an abrupt stop.
Captain Rescue slid his hands between the two men and parted them like a pair of curtains. He took one look at the path ahead, gasped, and then pushed the two men back together, obstructing his view once more. The dolphin had made it to its destination, the mythological supply depot they had heard so much about, but the depot only proved that those damn mammals never did things the easy way. At about the size of a city block, the outpost had traveled through time and space and been plopped directly in the middle of the street, which, of course, wiped this portion of the city from existence. Clean cuts through the buildings surrounding the depot revealed their innards like cross-section models. Walls, doorways, chairs, tables, refrigerators all had perfect cuts with their better halves missing. Jagged pink spikes made a few of these buildings less than intact, but such is the way of a dolphacalypse. The oppressors were not sure where these crystalline structures came from, they were just some random symptom of wiping matter from existence. Captain Rescue gazed at the walls surrounding the outpost. Thin black framework comprised much of the fortification with pulsating energy fields of futuristic awesomeness filling in the gaps.
“How are we going to get in there,” he whined, doubting they could just waltz through the force fields without the skeletons becoming temporarily visible, just like in the cartoons.
Charlie pointed to one of the buildings overlooking the outpost. “Why go through the deadly force fields when you can go over them.”
Captain Rescue eyed him down. “Doesn’t that seem a little dangerous to you?”
“Less dangerous than electrocution.”
“Yes, electrocution sucks,” he replied, reminded of his many run-ins with the feeling.
