Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue)
Page 23
“It’s true that dolphins are only good at swimming in straight lines and jumping through flaming hoops,” he said to them.
Finally, the dolphins picked up their heavy mechanical arms, an action that the hero initially construed as surrender, but as the metal palms opened and the red tips of a dozen miniature missiles poked through, Captain Rescue realized surrender was the last thing on their minds. The dolphins, playing it safe, fired a single missile at Captain Rescue. The projectile flew through air, spiraling and looping as it homed in on him.
Time slowed to a crawl for Captain Rescue as he watched the snail of a missile inch its way across the cave. The hero might have had no understanding of how the flow of time worked, but he knew he should use this newfound ability. Captain Rescue reached his hand forward and grabbed the projectile as it came into range. As time caught back up, he bit the missile’s tip off and tossed it like a grenade. A trail of warhead material spiraled through the air as the grenissile (the bastard offspring of a grenade and a missile) tumbled end over end and eventually hit one of the dolphins with the sound of a gong before falling to the ground without so much as a fizzle.
One of the dolphins crushed the grenissile beneath its metal foot, and then the pair lunged forward and released their entire payload at Captain Rescue. The ensuing flash of light made it impossible to tell what happened, but when the smoke settled, both of the dolphins had disappeared entirely. All that remained was the explosive device tucked underneath the arm of a very naked Captain Rescue, naked except for his mask, because that was just how these things worked. Now that Captain Rescue had removed the threat—as well as his clothes—from existence, the others left the magical lamp, ballooning to their proper size. They nodded their heads approvingly as they meandered through the wanton destruction.
Dr. Malevolent held her hand over the naked Captain Rescue. “Well, that’s sight to sore eyes.”
Greg materialized before Captain Rescue and snapped his fingers once. A brand new spandex costume now covered the hero. He felt over his body and the skintight suit that now covered it, admiring them both.
“I could get used to this,” he flexed his muscles.
“Well don’t,” the genie said, “as soon as you leave this cave you’ll lose your powers.”
‘That’s not cool. If I stayed in the cave, would I stay this way?”
“You sure would,” the genie joked.
“That’s a thought.”
Dr. Malevolent laughed. “By all means, stay down here.”
“But, I’d probably get lonely.”
“It’s the price you’d pay to be great.”
Captain Rescue thrust his chest into the air, and then bellowed heroically, “I don’t need powers to be great.” The hero then began spinning the explosive device on the tip of his finger like basketball and added, “What do we do with this thing?”
Dr. Malevolent snatched it from him. “Not spinning it like that would be a good start.”
She knelt down, set the bomb on the ground, and gave it a thorough examination. The device, a spherical Rubik’s Cube, had different sections that all rotated around a blinking green light. These sections traveled around in circles as the device completed itself systematically, and once that happened, things would get interesting—explosively interesting.
Captain Rescue knelt down beside Dr. Malevolent and stared at the device. “We should cut the red wire.”
She grabbed the device and pulled it close to her for their protection. “I don’t believe there is a red wire.”
“Open it.”
“I don’t really think that’s a good idea.”
“Oh! Oh! Oh!” Captain Rescue exclaimed as he quickly snatched up the device before Dr. Malevolent could react, aided by his powers. Captain Rescue held the bomb between his hands, concentrating intently, and then in the blink of an eye, his hands collapsed, and the device was gone.
“What did you do with it?” Dr. Malevolent questioned suspiciously.
“I disappeared it.”
“Yes, I gathered that, but where did it go.”
Captain Rescue shrugged. “I just grabbed it and told it to go away.”
Dr. Malevolent glared at him, and then her head darted to Greg. “I hope you know what you’re doing, you stupid genie.”
“What does it matter if he knows what he’s doing? The bomb’s gone!” Captain Rescue argued.
Dr. Malevolent smacked her forehead. “You made it vanish, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. You don’t even know what you’re doing. What if you just made it invisible and now it’s rolling around somewhere in this room ready to explode.”
Barely visible to their eyes, a small flash accompanied by a puff of grey smoke mushroomed from the ground and left a minute crater behind.
Dr. Malevolent remained silent for a moment. “Or… you could have shrunk it to the size of an atom. I guess that’s it then, we saved the world.”
Captain Rescue stomped the explosion and its crater out with his foot. “Excuse me? I saved the world, I do believe.”
Before anyone had the chance to reply, the cave disappeared and the magical lamp reappeared. “I wish you’d warn us before you do that,” Dr. Malevolent said to the genie.
“That wasn’t me,” Greg earnestly replied.
“You were pulled out of the cave due to an anomaly I detected,” the lamp’s disembodied voice said.
“What kind of anomaly?”
The lamp rescinded into the pretty nothingness of trans-dimensional space, and then reappeared in regular space, complete with stars, the moon, and the sun a ways away. Noticeably missing, however, was the Earth.
“This kind of anomaly,” the lamp clarified.
Captain Rescue tapped on the glass. “Wasn’t there a planet here a few minutes ago?”
Dr. Malevolent walked up to a porthole. “Uh… yeah.”
“Well,” Captain Rescue exclaimed, “where did it go!?”
“That’s an excellent question.”
The lamp, always in the loop, explained the situation, “According to my data, the Earth was destroyed two billion years ago.”
“How could this have happened?” Captain Rescue cried as he slammed his forehead into the porthole.
“Those dolphins clearly don’t like losing,” Dr. Malevolent said with astonishment.
“I’d say,” Captain Rescue cried out, his words drowned in tears.
Greg cleared his throat for effect more than anything. “I have an idea.”
Chapter 21: A Solution Exists for Every Problem
“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Captain Rescue whispered to Dr. Malevolent, who knelt just beside him, Stubbs and Charlie over their shoulders.
“You heard the genie. This is the only way.”
“Yeah, but what if we break the universe?”
“Well, we won’t have much time to dwell on our actions if we cease to exist, so that’s a plus.”
The trio hid in an alley without Freight, who was off on his own task. The genie had given them explicit instructions, and the gang would have to act quickly for this plan to have any chance of success.
“How much longer,” Charlie whispered to the both of them.
Dr. Malevolent glanced up to him. “If this goes anything like it did with me, should be any minute now.”
“Is it weird that the chance to do this excites me?” Captain Rescue said as he glanced out the alley.
“That is very weird.”
The short conversation ended as footsteps approached. Dr. Malevolent shushed everyone as she and the others waited for whoever it was. She nodded to them as a single woman and man passed, their identities impossible to ascertain from the darkness.
“Right on time,” she said underneath her breath. “Psst, Over here!” she said loudly in an attempt to draw their attention.
The ruse was successful and the passersby entered the alleyway, and now, Dr. Malevolent, Stubbs, Charlie, and a still fit Captain Rescue stood before another versi
on of Dr. Malevolent and Boris. The six people stared at each other, two of which had no clue what was going on.
Finally, the original Dr. Malevolent spoke, “Coincidentally, through a series of quite unfortunate events, the Earth of our universe was destroyed and we’ve come to live on yours. But first, we have to get rid of you.”
The alternate versions of Dr. Malevolent and Boris looked at each other and gulped, and then the four universal stowaways tackled and knocked their alternative selves unconscious before dragging their bodies into the alleyway. There, they could perform these unspeakable acts of evil away from prying eyes. A few minutes later, the quartet left the alleyway shaking their hands clean of the strange crime just committed.
“Greg said he’d take care of… them, right?” Charlie asked.
“Yup, let’s just get a move on before anyone else shows up,” the super villain suggested.
The gang headed down the street and away from the crime scene. All was quiet as the moon gave faint illumination, but before long, booming footsteps shattered the solitude of the midnight air. Freight, covered in blood and holding two shotguns, had come to rejoin the party. He had been on a mission to get rid of his alternate self, and then they would take care of Captain Rescue together.
“Honestly,” Dr. Malevolent began as Freight came to a halt, “what on earth did you do to yourself?”
As the gallons of blood continued to drip, the mountain of man just shrugged as if he did not quite understand the question. He had just done what needed to be done in the most enjoyable way possible—with a wood chipper. Since outlining the psychological implications of butchering an alternate version of yourself seemed like, at most, a fool’s errand, Dr. Malevolent just pointed at his pair of shotguns.
“I see you found yourself another Courtney.”
Freight held both shotguns up, beaming like a little kid. “Yes, I am going to be a happy man, a very very very very happy man.” A new era had begun for him, an era of pairs.
“I suppose it’s not polygamy if they’re the same person.”
Charlie leaned in close and whispered, “It’s not polygamy because they’re both inanimate objects.”
“I can appreciate a person’s love for the inanimate,” she scolded the bunny. She turned to Captain Rescue and said coldly, “Your turn.”
“Huh?” he asked without a clue.
“What was the plan?”
He scratched his head. “Uh, to… kill ourselves?”
“I guess that’s a rather novel way of looking at it. The point being, who’s left?”
Captain Rescue counted the others and then did some math with his fingers, muttering under his breath the entire time. Eventually, he figured it out. “Me!”
“Okay, now if you were you, which you are, where would you be right now.”
“I’m already here, that’s where I’d be if I was me.”
Dr. Malevolent began to explain herself further, but something interrupted her—a small compact vehicle screeching around the corner. Apparently, Captain Rescue was here, both of them. The Rescue Machine screeched to a halt next to the time-displaced heroes. Through the window, an alternate Captain Rescue climbed over the passenger seat and subsequently fumbled for the passenger side door. It burst open and he tumbled out before jumping to his feet.
“There were reports of a distur—wait a sec, what is this?!” the alternate hero said as he noticed who stood before him. “Witchcraft! Imposters! All of you!” He glanced at the blood-battered Freight, who he hadn’t met yet in this reality. “And what the hell are you?!”
Freight glanced around awkwardly. “They call me Freight.”
“What’s going on!?” the alternate Captain Rescue whined as he stomped his foot.
“I don’t really know!” the original one replied.
“Why are you here? And why are you so darned sexy?”
“Oh, thank you! I’ve been working out!”
Freight had just about enough of this, and he lifted his pair of shotguns into the air. The other version of Captain Rescue stumbled backwards and became suddenly aware of his fate.
“You won’t get me that easily!” he yelled.
The second Captain Rescue dove into his utility belt, withdrew a small grey spherical object, and threw it to the ground, immediately enveloping himself in smoke. A few seconds went by and there was a distinctive thonk as the duplicate slammed headfirst into his vehicle. The smoke cleared, and sure enough, there lay Captain Rescue, face down and unconscious.
“Well, that makes our job rather easy,” Dr. Malevolent said as she poked the duplicate with her foot.
“You do it!” Captain Rescue cried, “I can’t!”
“With pleasure,” Dr. Malevolent said as she pulled out a hacksaw.
***
A few highly disturbing minutes later and the universal stowaways stood within the magical lamp once more with Greg hovering before them.
“So,” Dr. Malevolent said to him, “you’re sure you can put our bodies where no one will ever find them?”
“Considering they will no longer exist, I’m going to say yes.”
“Excellent. So that’s it then, we just go on like normal?”
Greg nodded. “There may be some small inconsistencies, but I’m sure most of you can cope.” He turned to Captain Rescue and repeated himself, “…most of you.”
His eyes glanced around nervously, and then he questioned the genie, “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What about you?” Dr. Malevolent asked Greg.
“Oh, we genie travel across universes all the time, if I ever run into the other version of me, he’ll understand.”
“Interesting…”
Greg shrugged. “How else do you think I came up with idea?’
“I dunno, I just figured you wanted us to die in some way, shape, or form.”
“Well, there was obviously that. Now, you kids go off and play, I’ve got work to do.”
“So that’s it then, we just go back to normal life?”
“Yup,” Greg joked, “go ahead and get back to unsuccessfully taking over the world.”
Dr. Malevolent nodded. “I don’t mind if I do. In fact, I’m already scheming.” She leaned for Charlie and Freight, whispering something between their ears.
“Oh, that’s a really good idea,” Charlie agreed.
“Tell me!” Captain Rescue whined.
“We’re not going to tell you, you’ll find out soon enough anyway, after I take over the world!”
“You guys are mean.”
“Shut up.”
Greg sighed and then his houseguests abruptly disappeared, placed wherever they needed to be. The genie looked around his lamp and greeted solitude cheerfully once more. He floated to his control console to decide which part of the universe to explore next. For now, he would enjoy this silence, but this was not the last time he would see those incorporeal ingrates, he was on the run after all, and there was no better way to fight the tyranny of genie society than with half-retarded humans.
fin.
Until next time, that is.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Why Must There Always Be Skinny Dipping?
Chapter 2: Naked People Make for the Best Torture
Chapter 3: Search and Rescue; Run or Die
Chapter 4: Putting the Special in Special Forces
Chapter 5: A Journey Back Wrought with the Most Unspeakable of Evils
Chapter 6: Possum Perspective
Chapter 7: The Final Hours of the Condemned
Chapter 8: A Detour to End All Detours
Chapter 9: Ice Cream and Lingerie
Chapter 10: People in the Future Sure Are Crazy
Chapter 11: Apes Must Not Look Up
Chapter 12: The “Allegately” Haunted Maintenance Tunnels
Chapter 13: They’re Like the Other Food Group
Chapter 14: Two Hours Later
Chapter 15: Another Day, Another Cell
&nb
sp; Chapter 16: Break Out, Break In, Break Free, Break Dance
Chapter 17: Don’t Send a Monkey to do an Ape’s Job
Chapter 18: Some Things Do Go According to Plan
Chapter 19: Back From the Future
Chapter 20: Last Detour, Promise
Chapter 21: A Solution Exists for Every Problem