by K. B. Nelson
I’m terrified his charms are working on her, and terrified Brick’s going to win this bet. I’m even more terrified of what happens if he does. If him losing is the only way I can evict him from my life, then lose he must.
“Thank you for meeting me today,” I say after I take a sip of my ice water. I made it clear in our texts it was going to be a quick meeting, and we would never progress to ordering food.
“To be honest, I don’t know why I came.” She’s tense, with her hands rested on the glass table of the outdoor patio.
“Because you know things don’t add up.”
“You’re talking about Brick?”
“Who else?” I lean back against my seat and wipe a bead of sweat from my forehead. “He has issues.”
“You both have major issues, but the difference is that he’s my problem and you’re not.” She’s fiery in her defense of him, and boy do I have my work cut out for me. “You don’t see him like I do.”
“You’re blinded by him like I once was.”
“You’re wrong.” She leans against the table, and her petite frame bursts into life. “I see him for everything he is. I see every single one of his damn flaws, and there are a lot of them. He’s hurting and needs someone to reach out to him. I see the good in him.” She leans back in her seat and crosses her arms. “Maybe you could too, if you’d dig a little deeper.”
“There’s nothing deeper there.”
“I was with him last night, and he opened up to me.” She smirks and nods her head. “And I mean, he really opened up to me.”
“Did he now? Did he tell you all about his fucked up past? It’s a lie, I promise you that.”
“He told me about his tattoos.”
“Jesus Christ,“ I scoff. “They’re nothing more than a tapestry of bullshit.”
“You think you know him so well—“
“More than anyone else in this world.”
“Then what do they mean?”
“They mean absolutely nothing. Don’t you get it? You’re falling right into his trap.”
“I can handle myself.”
“He’s the Devil in disguise.”
“Maybe he used to be.”
“He still is. He always will be.” I don’t know how I can make this any clearer, and I certainly can’t believe she’s falling for his shit hook, line, and sinker. I did once, and I was a fool for it, just as she’s a fool now. “You’re nothing more than a conquest to him. He’s going to seduce you, and then destroy you.”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because he thinks he can win me over by doing just that. We made a bet. If he can seduce you within seven days, he can have me.”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head in visible disgust. “Could you be any more in love with yourself?”
“I’m being honest with you,” I point out, but realize it’s a losing battle.
“If what you’re saying is true, do you have any intention of holding up your end of the bargain?”
“Absolutely not.”
She slings her purse around her shoulder as she stands up. “Then what the hell are you so worried about?” Then she’s off, marching down the sidewalk and heading to see her destroyer, I presume.
In my stranded state, alone with an ice-cold glass of water, I come to terms with the fact I can’t pry her away from Brick. The next revelation hits with the heavy weight of relief. She’s right. What the hell am I so worried about? I came back to Carolina to figure out who I was, but ended up right back into Brick’s sadistic world.
Why do I care if he loses? The answer is I don’t. He can’t have me either way—whether he wins or whether he loses. It’s not as if he would hold up his end of the bargain and stay the hell away from me, either.
It’s all meaningless bullshit.
19
Brick
I stare ahead with an empty expression on my face. The last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings, but I’m torn up from the inside out. My mind is jumbled to the point I have a live circus rumbling through my head. The crowd cheers from the bleachers at the entertainers performing wondrous tricks. It’s loud, noisy, and the curtain never closes.
It hasn’t closed since I woke up this morning.
I have tunnel vision as I impersonate the walk of a zombie, slowly drawling myself to her office door. Once I reach for the knob, and push it open, my mind unfreezes and I’m thrown into a frenzy.
Collins—my head doctor—jerks her attention toward me as I slam the door shut behind me. “What are you doing here? We don’t have an appointment.”
I point to her chair with a shaking, nervous gesture. “Sit down and listen.”
“I’m about to go to lunch.”
“You don’t understand.” I shake my head, and point to it with trembling fingers. “I’m incredibly fucked up.”
She blows hot air from her lips, and lets out a deep, heavy sigh. “Tale a seat.”
“I can’t. My mind is running in every direction. I can’t stand still.”
“What’s going on?” She reaches for the phone on her desk. “Do I need to call the police?”
I glare at her with impatient contempt. “You’re supposed to listen, so just do your damn job!”
“I’m listening.” She places her hand up to me, and takes a seat. “But I need you to calm down, and take a seat.”
I do as told, but my body continues to shake. I’m not good with feelings. “Everything I say here today is confidential, right?” I inquire to Miss. Collins who sits across from me in her usual throne of empowerment. “You won’t repeat a word?”
“Nothing you say leaves this office.” She crosses her legs, and I turn away so as to not objectify her. “This is a safe place, but I’m going to need complete honesty.”
“I’m terrified,” I muster the words through a barely audible mumble. “It’s all coming back to me, and I’m terrified.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“Because none of it makes fucking sense,” I snap in a fit of rage. I close my eyes to relax and draw my finger to my closed eyelid. “I don’t fall for people. I especially don’t fall for people when I barely know them. Love at first sight. The whole thing makes me want to fucking vomit.”
“Are you talking about Apple?”
“Apple?” My eyes dart open. How did I forget about her? All day, she’s been absent from my thoughts. Disappeared. Gone. As if she never existed.
“The girl you’re in love with…”
“Do you think I’m crazy?” I perk up, and beg for an answer with heavy eyes.
“I’m trying to understand what’s thrown you into this frenzied state.”
“It’s my heart.” I’m running on fumes here, and I can barely find the energy to speak. I look down at the floor, ashamed and embarrassed. My heart pounds against my ribcage. “It hurts.”
“Did someone hurt you?”
“I’m going to hurt her.”
“Apple?”
“Goddammit!” I scream. “Pay attention!” I shake my head, and purse my lips tightly. I want to shut up, but with every word spoken, the erratic thumping of my heart recedes into a more manageable, and quiet whisper. “I don’t know. I thought I loved her, but it never felt like this. It never felt real, but I didn’t know it then.” Then my eyes glare into Doc’s soul. I need her to know I’m telling the truth. I need her to believe me. “I know it now.”
“There’s another girl?”
“She’s beautiful,” I coo with admiration. ”She’s willing to accept me for who I am.”
“She must be a strong woman.”
“I’ll destroy her. I’ll rip her fucking heart out of her chest and leave her for dead.” I shrug with apathy. “Not for real, you know. But metaphorically, I will ruin her. She’ll never be able to trust, or love again. She’ll turn into me, or Apple.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” She leans forward and places her hand on my knee. “Humans are capable o
f tremendous feats of emotional strength. You can change.”
“You’re not supposed to lie to me,” I whimper. Change sounds good, but it’s an impossible road for someone like me. After my breakdown is over, I’ll revert into the same scheming bastard I’ve always been. I don’t have a choice in the matter.
“Why are you the way you are?” It’s a loaded question I don’t want to believe I have the answer for.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.” She nods and pulls her hand away from me. “Dig deep and tell me everything.”
“I said I don’t know!”
“And I said you do,” she snaps back, refusing to give me leeway. She’s making progress and she’s not about to let it slip through her fingers. “Stop holding back and let me the hell in.”
“I’m not supposed to be weak. I’m a man.”
“Gender stereotypes are dangerous for both sexes. Women are told to be fragile and obey. Men are told to suck it the hell up and not to cry. I’m telling you it’s okay to cry.”
“I won’t.” I shake my head defiantly, and cower until my attention shifts to the carpeted floor.
“Cry or don’t cry. I’m not letting you leave this office until we get to the root of your issues.”
“She never loved me,” I whisper, “and he abandoned me. He was there, but he was always gone.” I raise my finger to my mouth and chew at my nails. “Jesus this. Jesus that. Follow the book and all that shit.”
No longer able to sit down, I rise to my feet as the racing of my heart returns. “Everything from a young age was so shallow. And high school? What a fucking nightmare. I was who I had to be to survive, and it stuck with me and grew into something stronger, and worse as the years went by.” I pace to the window, and opt to stare out into the lifeless city below.
If I’m going to vocalize my hurt, I need to pretend no one is listening. “I’ve never been loved by anyone or anything. It’s not an excuse.” A light chuckle slips from my throat. “It’s a rather shitty one if it is. I got so used to being used, that it eventually forced me to become who I am today. It’s easier to pretend I was always this way, but I wasn’t.”
I turn to her with a smile, but it’s painted in hues of hurt and loss. “I was a happy kid who knew right from wrong.” I stare blankly ahead as my eye begins to water in the corner. “Now, I’m a miserable piece of shit who inflicts misery and hurt on whoever crosses my path.” I nod my head in a fruitless attempt to keep my emotions in check. I sniffle, and cover my mouth with my hand. “I’ll destroy her like I destroyed Apple.”
She stands and throws her arms around my back, a physical display of one caring soul affected by a monster like me. I stand frozen as she hugs my trembling body, with my hands curled against her back, unable and too afraid to embrace her back.
“You can change,” she says before pulling back from the embrace.
I don’t believe her. I’ve done too much to ever be forgiven. And if I can’t be forgiven, I can’t change. The guilt would tear me apart from the inside.
“You need to go home and get some rest,” she says as she grabs her bag off the desk. “Come back to see me in a few days.” She places her hand upon my back and carefully guides me to the door. “Take the time to unwind, and know everything is going to be okay.”
“You’re too optimistic,” I mumble as she opens the door.
“I wish we had more time today, but I’m supposed to be meeting my daughter for lunch and I haven’t seen her in months, so I really need to get out of here.” She pats me on the back once more and smiles warmly. “You’re going to be okay.”
Maybe, but probably not.
I’m in the worst kind of bad situation, where there is no escape without collateral damage destroying everything that remains standing. The thing about a kingdom is—no matter how strong it was built—it’ll always come crashing down. And just like Dorothy in the tapestry etched into the flesh of my arm, I’ll be trapped in the rubble.
20
Apple
Jensen and I are terrible at this separation bullshit. Since it wasn’t a real separation to begin with, and the rules were never actually clear, it’s hard to know what’s okay, and what isn’t.
After my conversation with Tyra, I realized I had changed. I can’t begin to understand why it was she of all people—a next-to-perfect stranger—who had the power to make me realize what I should have already known. My role in Brick’s game has officially been eliminated to nothing more than a spectator, awaiting the results of his stunning defeat, or his stunning victory. After that, all that’s left to find out is if he’s capable of staying away from me, should he lose.
If I can’t get him out of my life, I will have two options; leave Carolina, or leave Jensen. Both are a whirlwind of suckage I’m not prepared to endure. California has its charms—for about thirty minutes. Nothing will ever replace the clear Carolina skies.
Shower water slams against the tile floor in the room adjacent to kitchen, where I search frantically for my phone. It’s been missing since last night, when in the span of a few seconds, our clothes were littered across the floor of his apartment.
I halt my search for my phone as I catch that damned Sarah McLachlan commercial on the big screen television in the living room. It pulls on my heart, and I can never bring myself to look away. When the commercial ends, I shrug and begin my search anew.
Jensen’s phone vibrates on the counter. I hate touching his phone, because it’s such a personal object. I’m not one to snoop either, but I decide to swipe it off the counter so I can call my phone, and hopefully find it.
When I pick it up, it’s on the lock screen with a long list of notifications. My heart drops into my gut when I see her name among the text notifications. I know I should swipe the lock screen away, and do what I originally intended to do, but curiosity rips away any choice I had in the matter.
I swipe the phone, not to rid of the lock screen, but to read the text messages.
EVE: That’s not the point, J. (11:01 PM)
JENSEN: I know (11:07 PM)
JENSEN: I’m sorry (11:07 PM)
EVE: It’s not going to happen, is it? (11:09 PM)
JENSEN: I can’t do it. Sorry :/ (11:10 PM)
EVE: She ruined my life. (11:13 PM)
JENSEN: I know (12:04 AM)
Eve: Delete all these messages (3:14 AM).
I’m lost as to what to think. There’s no context to these messages, and they could be about anything. I arrived at Jensen’s place last night sometime shortly after eleven, and that’s when the messages stopped. It’s suspicious timing, if nothing else.
But why is he still talking to Eve? She cheated on him with my boyfriend. Shouldn’t that have been enough to ensure he never spoke to her again? I hear the bathroom door open, and Jensen walks out into the kitchen in nothing but a towel. His bare skin glistens, but it’s the news on the television that soon steals my attention again. And this time, Sarah McLachlan isn’t the culprit.
It’s something far worse.
BREAKING NEWS: Local College Student Found Dead of Apparent Suicide: Eve Matthews
21
Apple
Nothingness.
Emptiness.
Hollowness.
Blankness.
Destitution.
All alone on a plane of existence as my world comes crashing down.
I tighten my grip on Jensen’s phone.
Rage.
Confusion.
Guilt. So much fucking guilt.
Her photo burns into my eyes, tunneling into the depths of my memory, where it’ll stay forever.
Haunting me.
Destroying me.
Tearing me apart from inside.
“Why were you texting Eve last night?” I ask Jensen, without looking at him. “You’re not answering me,” I continue, my throat full of raspy rocks. When I’m met with a wall of silence, I turn to him, but almost collapse backward against the counter.
He rushes to my side to balance me, but I push him away with a hard push against his bare chest. I’m not strong enough to send him back a few good feet, so it’s all him, knowing I need space.
“Why were you texting her last night?” I reiterate, this time with a booming voice and noticeable traces of anger.
“She wanted someone to talk to.” He shakes his head, and I take notice of his face. It’s pale, hunted and emotionless. I don’t know what to believe, but right now I’m incapable of putting two-and-two together, let alone trying to piece together an intricate puzzle when I’m already missing half the pieces.
From the bathroom, I hear the faint ringing of my phone. I rush past Jensen and recover it from the floor behind the toiler. How it got there, I don’t fucking know. I slide my finger against the screen to answer the call without stopping to check the caller ID.
“Did you see the news?” Brick asks from the other end of the line, and I swallow as much air as possible before replying.
“Yeah,” I say dryly, void of any emotion.
“We need to meet.” His voice is urgent.
“Now’s not a good time.”
I hang up the phone and clutch it tight in my hand. When I turn around, Jensen is standing in the doorway.
“Who was that?”
“Brick.”
He winces and clasps his fingers around the bridge of his nose. “Why is he calling you?”
“He wants somebody to talk to,” I answer sarcastically, and he gives me the death glare in response. Just to know he could look at me with such contempt in his eyes hurts me.
“You can’t throw my own words back at me like that.”
“Why not?” I push past him and head for the front door.
“Where are you going?”
