While these differences do not describe every couple, they are only two of many common conflicts between men and women when raising children.
Who’s right? Who’s wrong? In most cases, parents’ conflicting goals are both right. Children need to know they are loved and they should also be obedient. Children should learn to become self-reliant and their needs should be met. But how do you accomplish both?
What goals do each of you have when it comes to raising children? What are your priorities? Are they different? Do those differences lead to conflict when it comes to making decisions regarding how to discipline your children? The sooner you answer these questions and apply them to the way you resolve conflicts over childrearing, the better.
The perspective that each of you brings to childrearing is equally valuable. When you come to an enthusiastic agreement about the way you raise your children, they will benefit through your joint wisdom. On the other hand, if one of you makes a unilateral decision your children will be frustrated and confused. When one spouse disciplines a child without the other spouse’s support, the child feels that one parent seems to love him more than the other. And when a child is rewarded by only one spouse he or she receives a mixed message. What he did was valuable from one parent’s perspective, but not valuable from the other parent’s perspective. Was it or wasn’t it valuable? The child doesn’t know for sure.
When you come to your children with a united front, with consistency, and with agreement, you deliver to your children a powerful message, lessons that are sure to impress them and point them in the right direction. Children clearly gain when both parents can agree on how they’re to be raised. It eliminates confusion from mixed messages and stupid, emotional, and impulsive decisions made by one spouse in the heat of anger.
The failure to teach your children important lessons of life and the loss of your love for each other are the results if you cannot come to enthusiastic agreements about the way you raise your children. So I’m sure you agree with me that it’s extremely important to become skilled in resolving such conflicts with a win-win outcome.
How to Raise Your Children with Enthusiastic Agreement
Begin with a clear understanding of your goal: it’s to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. Don’t tell your children what to do, punish them, reward them, or teach them until you have reached an enthusiastic agreement. Once an agreement is reached, you simply follow through. Further negotiation on that issue is unnecessary—it’s settled.
So it would be a good first step to see where you agree and where you disagree regarding childrearing. I’m sure there have been recurring disagreements you can remember that can be written on a list titled “Conflicts.” But you should also take some time making a list titled “No Conflicts.” These are decisions that you have already made regarding childrearing that you both agree to enthusiastically. They can be made unilaterally without any risk of disagreement or offense. Over time, as you remember past incidents, and new challenges occur in your effort to train your children, you can add to both lists.
Once a situation is placed on the Conflicts list, any action related to it by either spouse is to await an agreement. In other words, neither of you may make a unilateral decision regarding that issue. If you can’t agree to rewards or punishments regarding Johnny making his bed in the morning, you may not offer rewards or inflict punishment to encourage that objective until an enthusiastic agreement is reached.
After you have a list of conflicts to be resolved, the sooner you get to them, the better.
Remember that your negotiation must be safe and pleasant. Do not make any demands, be disrespectful, or become angry. If either of you find yourself becoming emotional, break off your conversation until you’ve had a chance to pull yourself together.
Describe the conflict clearly. Use a notebook that follows the form described in appendix A so that you both clearly understand the issue. Then, discover each other’s opinions respectfully to understand what kind of a solution would work for both of you. Remember, there’s wisdom in both of your perspectives.
After you have had a chance to understand each other, you’re ready to brainstorm—think of solutions that might make both of you happy. Carry your notebook so you can jot down ideas as they come to you. Give your brain a chance to come up with some creative ideas.
Finally, try out one of your solutions that takes both of your perspectives into account. If it works well, you will both be enthusiastic about using it. It will have resolved your conflict.
Consider This . . .
Have you been demanding, disrespectful, or angry when you’ve discussed childrearing issues with each other? Have you used any excuses for these abusive tactics to try to justify them?
Instead of arguing about how to raise your children, do you simply do what you think is right and hope that your spouse will adjust to it? What is the likely outcome when a spouse is expected to adjust to a decision that has not been enthusiastically accepted?
When does a childrearing decision become a Love Buster? Do either of you feel you have the right to make decisions about your children independently of the other’s interests and feelings? Are you willing to give up that right by following the POJA for the sake of your love for each other?
Make two lists, one titled “Conflicts” that describes the conflicts you face over childrearing, and the other titled “No Conflicts” that describes issues that have been settled. Use the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Four Guidelines to Successful Negotiation to try to resolve each of the conflicts you have listed. Keep the notebook I recommend (see appendix A) close by to guide your discussion. Remember to use the “try it, you’ll like it” test of a proposed remedy. And if the test doesn’t create an enthusiastic agreement, go back to brainstorming.
For more insight into how to keep the pressures of childrearing from taking a toll on your marriage, read my book His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive.
12
Conflicts over Sex
The apostle Paul wrote concerning sex, “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent” (1 Cor. 7:5). While the Policy of Joint Agreement that I’ve been recommending requires that you both enthusiastically agree before you have sex, Paul is saying that spouses should have sex unless they both agree not to do it. Later in the passage, knowing that the issue is complicated, he lets the reader know that it’s a suggestion, not a command. His readers, especially women, heave a great sigh of relief when they come to that escape clause.
I fully understand Paul’s dilemma. He knew that sex was very important in marriage and spouses should be encouraged to have a rich and fulfilling sexual relationship with each other. But trying to have sex on demand has its problems.
Frequent and fulfilling sex in marriage is as common a problem today as it was two thousand years ago. And as is the case with most ageless problems, the issue is definitely complicated. But from the perspective of many spouses, mostly men, it shouldn’t be that way. What’s complicated about a man and woman enjoying sex with each other?
At the time of marriage, most spouses, men and women both, consider frequent and fulfilling sex with each other to be one of the God-given benefits of marriage. But as time passes, men usually discover that their wives are not quite as interested in sex as they are. And the longer they’re married the less interested their wives become. As sex becomes less and less frequent, husbands become more and more frustrated and disappointed. What had seemed almost effortless now becomes almost impossible. Men find that they don’t know how to persuade their wives to get back to being the great lovers that they once were. With this issue, they lack negotiating skill.
If you find yourself in that position, and you simply can’t seem to discuss the subject with your spouse, or your discussions get you nowhere, I’ll show you how what you’re learning in this book can be applied to conflicts over sex.
Can You Discuss the Issue Safely and Cheerfully?
Sex is such an
emotional need that calm and respectful discussion can be very difficult to achieve. I sometimes use an analogy of a thirsty man to illustrate a husband’s frustration with his wife’s sexual reluctance. It’s as if he’s unable to reach water while his wife can easily bring it to him if she’s willing. She explains that she’s too tired or not in the mood as he is becoming increasingly thirsty. But instead of negotiating with her, he makes demands: Bring me some water right now! When that doesn’t work, he is disrespectful: What a poor excuse for a wife you’ve turned out to be! Then, as his frustration mounts, he loses his temper and starts to yell obscenities.
On the one hand, you can understand that the position he’s in can be infuriating, but the methods he’s using will not lead to her cooperation. They will drive her away. Instead of trying to help him, she’ll avoid him. The same principle applies to getting the sex he needs. If he wants her to become a more fulfilling sex partner, he must make his discussion with her safe and pleasant.
The discussion itself should begin with a request for a change in how often or in the way you make love. After the request is on the table, you then each have an opportunity to explain your perspective on the issue to find a way to meet the request with mutual enthusiasm. Are there any differences that must be taken into account when trying to find an enthusiastic agreement?
I suggest that you begin your inquiry with a question. The answer to that question will help guide you toward a resolution to almost any conflict over sex. The question is: Why should we have sex?
Why Should We Have Sex?
Men usually experience a craving for sex that builds over a few days, or for younger men over a few hours, after their last sexual release. Masturbation relieves that craving to some extent, but a sexual encounter with a woman is usually the most fulfilling. So for most men, their answer to the question “Why should we have sex?” is that sex is necessary to relieve their sexual craving. I call what most men do to gain that relief a “sexual act.”
Women, on the other hand, don’t usually experience the same sexual craving that men do. At least, it’s not nearly as often. So for them, sex usually has a much different purpose. It’s usually a small part of a larger whole that helps them create intimacy with the man they love. For most women, the answer to the question “Why should we have sex?” is that sex is necessary for emotional bonding that builds on affection and intimate conversation. I call what most women do to achieve that objective a “sexual event.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that husbands and wives consider the purpose of sex to be entirely one way or the other. There’s usually a blend of motives as men also want sex for emotional bonding and women want relief for their sexual craving. But what I’m saying here is that the primary motives of husbands and wives to engage in sex with each other are usually very different.
The hormone testosterone helps explain why men view the purpose of sex as a release from a craving. This hormone, which is in abundance for most men and sadly (from the perspective of most men) in short supply for most women, creates their sexual craving. Women find that when they are administered the same amount of testosterone as is found in most nineteen-year-old men, they, too, tend to have a craving for sex, and find themselves searching for sexual relief as often as men.
As with men, there are probably physiological reasons for a woman’s perspective regarding the necessity for sex. Hormones and neural pathways unique to women probably account for a woman’s need for the intimacy that sex can provide. But whatever those physiological reasons are, they don’t seem to motivate women to have sex as frequently as most men would like.
Procreation, of course, is the ultimate reason for sex. The physiology of both men and women unconsciously motivates them to have sex with each other to perpetuate their species. Sometimes that purpose can be conscious, and they deliberately engage in sex to have a child. But that is not the usual reason that husbands and wives give for having sex. And those reasons motivate them to have sex even when they have no ability or desire to procreate.
How Should We Have Sex?
In your effort to respectfully gather relevant information on each other’s perspective regarding sex, the next question you should discuss is “How should we have sex?” The answer to that question depends mightily on the answer to the first question, “Why should we have sex?”
If left to their own devices, most men would choose a method of sex that reflects their purpose, which is to satisfy a craving that they experience far more intensely and far more often than their wives. They would initiate a sex act by doing what it takes to create sexual arousal for themselves. For most men, looking at and feeling their wife’s body, especially breasts, buttocks, and crotch, usually works best. The most convenient time for this sex act is while their wives are in bed with them before going to sleep or upon awakening. The sex act itself usually involves intercourse, but many men prefer oral sex because they find it to be quicker and more intense.
Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that all husbands behave this way or even think this way. I’m merely saying that without any resistance or direction from their wives, it makes sense for most men to have marital sex frequently and in the most stimulating way possible. So in your discussion, be completely honest about your instincts. Tell your wife what would please you the most if she were not to object.
Based on a wife’s perspective that sex should be a bonding experience that builds on affection and intimate conversation, she would have a much different answer to the question “How should we have sex?” She would want sex to be part of a much larger romantic experience. Dining, dancing, and moonlit walks, all generously infused with expressions of care, are examples of the foreplay that would lead her to a fulfilling sexual experience. Technically, if he does just about anything to demonstrate his care for her, like washing and drying the dishes after dinner so she can take it easy for a while, she might be willing to make love. But since all women are different, and I certainly can’t speak for you, give your husband an honest answer that would reflect your most preferred way to make love to him.
By the time you reach this stage of negotiation with each other, your differing perspectives on how you should have sex with each other will help you understand why you’ve been having conflicts over sex. I think you will be able to demonstrate my point that sex is usually a singular “act” for the husband and usually a much larger “event” for the wife.
With such a wide difference in perspective, how can a husband and wife be expected to reach an enthusiastic agreement regarding how and how often they will make love? Having sex his way makes her feel like a receptacle—something he uses to merely relieve his sexual craving. Having sex her way makes him feel that she is imposing conditions that make the frequent sex he needs essentially impossible for him.
At the risk of being annoyingly redundant, bear in mind that I know that both husbands and wives look for sexual release and intimacy when they make love. In fact, there are some men who crave intimacy more than their wives, and some wives who crave sexual release more than their husbands. But I think it’s useful to know that there is usually a significant difference between husbands and wives regarding the primary purpose of sex, and how sex should be expressed. Once that difference is understood, you’re in a position to find a way to increase sexual frequency with mutual enthusiastic agreement.
How to Make Love More Often and More Passionately
After you have each other’s answers to questions of why and how you and your spouse should have sex, you’re ready to brainstorm resolutions to the issue that’s been raised. Assuming the issue has something to do with increasing sexual frequency and/or improving sexual satisfaction, I generally recommend that a couple think of ways that they can turn sexual acts into sexual events.
In my book His Needs, Her Needs, I begin my chapter on affection with the observation that when a man creates an environment of affection (affection throughout the day), he creates the conditions
that make sex an event for her. Intimate conversation is also included in this observation. If his ongoing affection and conversation help her feel bonded to him emotionally, sex adds an important dimension to her feeling of intimacy.
An assignment that I have often given couples who struggle with the issue of sexual frequency is for them to engage in three hours of affection and intimate conversation before having sex. Most men who have not learned to create an environment of affection for their wives feel at first that it’s too much work just to have sex because they’re not in the habit of meeting her emotional needs. But after they practice doing it for a while and get the hang of it, they find themselves being affectionate and conversant almost effortlessly. It turns out not to be work at all. Instead of thinking of it as a requirement for sex, they consider it to be essential to their relationship.
When a husband meets his wife’s needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.
I’ve written a rule for couples that helps them make massive Love Bank deposits. It also helps them turn sexual acts into sexual events. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet each other’s emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. Couples who follow this rule are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement because sex becomes fulfilling for both husband and wife. They usually plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date. You’ll find more information on how to be mutually enthusiastic about the way you make love in my book His Needs, Her Needs (chapter 4—Sexual Fulfillment).
He Wins, She Wins Page 9
