Of course, there’s always the option of no vacation, where neither are willing to budge—or negotiate. And the issue of how often to have sex can turn into not having sex at all when spouses won’t talk about the issue with each other. Resentment builds to such an extent that the capitulator finally decides not to capitulate any longer. Nothing happens. Not even a fight.
Does this describe the way you deal with conflicts? You pretend as if they don’t exist? If you have piles of unspoken issues in your marriage, I want to encourage you to get them out on the table this week and start negotiating. Here’s one way to do it.
Write a Letter
The problem with talking about conflicts that have been buried for years is that when they are raised, they tend to explode in your face. So much emotion has been festering that when the topic is introduced, demands, disrespect, and anger often destroy any hope of a thoughtful and intelligent resolution.
Remember, the first guideline for successful negotiation in marriage is to make the discussion safe and pleasant. If you try to talk about the problem, you may find that your emotions get the best of you and you simply can’t proceed. But if you negotiate in writing, even if you are seething while you describe your problem, you can edit your initial emotionally charged words and rewrite any sentences that would be interpreted by your spouse as demanding, disrespectful, or angry.
Your letter should begin with an explanation for why you are putting your problem in writing rather than talking about it. It might look something like this:
Hi Honey,
I know that this may seem to be a strange way for me to introduce a problem to you, but I’m afraid that I might have trouble making myself clear if we were to talk about it. So if you would indulge me, I’d like to introduce something that has been bothering me so that we can work together toward a solution. This is a problem that we have had for some time now, but I think we have both avoided dealing with it for a variety of reasons. Maybe by writing to each other about it, we can come to a resolution.
The next section of the letter should state the conflict and offer your perspective on how it might be resolved. Again, remember to avoid writing anything that sounds demanding, disrespectful, or angry.
The problem I’d like us to solve is that, from my perspective, we are not making love often enough, and when we do it’s not in ways that satisfy me. I would like to make love at least twice a week, and before we make love, I’d like us to spend some time talking to each other and being affectionate. I think that we could do this if we scheduled time to be together each week for that purpose—like having a date.
After you’ve stated the problem and described your perspective, you should ask for your spouse’s perspective. How does he or she feel about the problem itself and about your proposed solution?
How do you feel about it? Do you also feel that we’re not making love often enough, and that we’re not doing it in ways that satisfy you? If so, how would you like to solve this problem? Or, if you are happy with how often we make love and find that the way we do it is fulfilling to you, would you help me with this problem I’ve been having? What would you suggest to satisfy my need? Please write me a response so that we can begin solving this problem together.
I know that this letter sounds very formal and somewhat awkward. But my point is that this is one way to bring up a problem that has been buried too long.
Once the problem is on the table, your spouse will either respond to it or ignore it. Let’s first consider ways that your spouse might respond.
A proactive response. Your spouse responds in writing with empathy and creativity. He or she apologizes for failing to meet this very important need and expresses a willingness to try just about anything to resolve it. He or she suggests that you plan two dates a week that will begin by being alone with each other to talk and be affectionate, just like you did before you were married. Then at the end of that time together you would make love. You would discuss by letter your reactions to each of your “dates” so that you could improve upon them. If either of you feels that changes would be helpful, you would write each other about it without making demands, being disrespectful, or becoming angry. When you feel safe, you could start discussing it face-to-face.
A defensive response. You receive a letter in a timely manner, but it begins by blaming you for the problem. If you would not be so busy, or if you would be a better lover, or if you would not be so moody, etc., etc., you would not have this problem. While those issues could be discussed respectfully, your spouse turns them into disrespectful accusations. This kind of reaction is the primary reason that you have not solved the problem earlier. You need help in knowing how to negotiate. Your next letter might suggest that you read together the first five chapters of my book Love Busters, which teaches couples how to avoid demands, disrespect, and anger. Then, when educated in how to negotiate safely, you proceed to solve your problems proactively.
No response. Occasionally, when one of my clients writes this letter to get the ball rolling, their spouse rips it up and throws it away. Or they don’t even acknowledge receiving the letter. In cases like these, I usually recommend planning for a separation, while at the same time sending the letter again, using slightly different words, mentioning the fact that your problem needs to be addressed. A spouse who is unwilling to respond to repeated communications of a problem is emotionally divorced. He or she has violated the vow to care for their spouse, which is the purpose of marriage itself. If two years of separation go by without the other spouse becoming willing to solve problems respectfully and intelligently, the neglected spouse usually comes to the conclusion that he or she no longer has a partner in marriage and files for divorce. Sometimes that jogs the other spouse into action, but even if the divorce goes through, the fact that the other spouse was no longer willing to provide necessary marital care means that the marriage was over years earlier. But in most cases, I’ve found that couples learn to discuss their problems effectively while separated, and then live together fulfilled.
I’ve counseled many retired couples who finally address problems they’ve endured through most of their marriage. They’re happy that they were finally able to solve them, but wish that it had been done much earlier in their marriage. The busyness of raising children and developing careers distracted them enough to keep their problems unresolved.
Don’t sweep your marital conflicts under the rug. If you’ve been afraid to raise issues in your marriage, try using the letter I’ve recommended. Make conflicts that have been bothering you a top priority in your life. And, with respect for each other, resolve them.
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How to Negotiate When You Are Indecisive
A common objection to the Policy of Joint Agreement is that it leaves one spouse languishing in limbo while the other is carefully considering all options. That’s because the default condition for the POJA is to do nothing until you reach an enthusiastic agreement. And for most conflicts, doing nothing puts the couple in a lose-lose predicament.
I’ve found that, with practice, any couple can learn to come to an enthusiastic agreement when faced with a conflict. But I will admit that it takes more practice when one spouse is indecisive.
On average, women tend to be more indecisive than men. Considering the abundance of neural connections in the female brain that we discussed earlier, this should be no surprise—women have more information to process. And there’s another factor that contributes to this inclination—women tend to be somewhat more anxious than men. Tests that measure emotional reactions, such as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (Hathaway and McKinley), adjust their scales to compensate for the measurable differences in anxiety between men and women. A score that would be judged abnormally anxious for men is considered to be normal for women, evidence that women tend to be more anxious than men.
But anxiety, and its resulting indecisiveness, should not be viewed as a personality flaw. While it might frustrate someone with a more impuls
ive way of making a decision, in the grand scope of things indecisiveness can often prevent a couple from making rash choices.
When a husband and wife respect each other’s decision-making style, whether it’s impulsive or indecisive, and continue to negotiate until an enthusiastic agreement is reached, they can benefit from the best of both styles and avoid the worst of them. Clearly, impulsive decision-making can get a person into quite a bit of trouble. But if indecisiveness leaves someone paralyzed, that can’t be good, either. By encouraging an impulsive person to take more time to consider other options, and encouraging an indecisive person to test options to see how they work, both people benefit.
Have you ever had a conflict over choosing a color for a room in your house? An impulsive person can make the decision and have the drop cloths and paint brushes ready for action in no time. An indecisive person, on the other hand, may strain over thousands of color chips, wondering how changes in lighting will affect each color throughout the day. Does one of you tend to make snap decisions while the other waits to consider all of the options? How can such a couple ever come to an enthusiastic agreement?
If you practice using the Four Guidelines to Successful Negotiation, you will come to realize that both impulsiveness and indecisiveness can be accommodated. You will learn to avoid impulsive decisions by considering each other’s perspectives carefully. Yet you will also avoid indecisiveness by making at least tentative decisions in a timely manner. You will learn to test a possible resolution to a conflict before a final agreement. You learn these important lessons as you come to understand and appreciate each other.
And there is one very important caveat to remember. If the test of a resolution turns out to be not as mutually enjoyable as expected, go back to brainstorming. If you choose a color for the room and it doesn’t have the effect that one spouse thought it would have, paint the room a different color. Knowing that a bad decision can be corrected makes it easier for an indecisive person to take risks.
By using the guidelines, impulsive people learn the wisdom of taking more time to make a decision, and indecisive people learn that testing a possibility doesn’t lead to disaster if it doesn’t work out as well as expected. Very few decisions in life have to be set in cement. Almost all of them can be modified to make a couple’s life more mutually enjoyable.
The time you take to make a tentative decision when you have a conflict should be discussed when you introduce the issue. And time should be set aside to discuss the possibilities. There is comfort in knowing that the conflict is at least being addressed, and when a tentative date for a test of possible resolutions is set, your creative juices can fly.
When you make a decision that is accepted with mutual enthusiasm, it will usually stay in place for quite some time. That’s because it’s a lifestyle decision that makes both of you happy. So you will not find yourselves returning to the same conflicts if they are resolved the right way. Granted, if one of you tends to be indecisive, the decision itself may take longer to make, but once it’s made with mutual enthusiasm, it solves the problem and maintains your love for each other.
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How to Negotiate When Doing Nothing Is What One Spouse Wants
The default condition for the Policy of Joint Agreement is to do nothing. When you are in conflict over what to do, and have not yet found a win-win resolution, you are to do nothing until an enthusiastic agreement is reached.
Sometimes a couple is confused over what “do nothing” means. Do you continue to do what you’ve been doing or do you stop doing it? For example, if Joyce feels that the speed I’m driving makes her nervous, and she would like me to slow down, do I continue driving at my current speed until we have arrived at an enthusiastic agreement? After all, if I were to slow to the speed that makes her comfortable, I would be doing what she wants to do—a losing outcome for me. In this example, doing nothing means pulling off to the side of the road and discussing the conflict until an enthusiastic agreement is reached.
Obviously, the default condition is not the solution to a conflict. In fact, it’s often worse than continuing to do whatever it is that bothers the other spouse. Its purpose is not to settle the issue, but rather to force a couple to take the time to solve it the right way once and for all.
But what if doing nothing is precisely what your spouse wants as a final outcome? It’s win-lose by default.
This problem often appears when financial decisions are to be made. The husband wants to buy new fishing gear, and the wife is opposed to the purchase. Application of the default condition of the Policy of Joint Agreement rules out the purchase, so the wife wins and the husband loses. The wife wants to buy new backpacks for the children, but the husband feels that last year’s model is still adequate. No backpacks this year. The husband wins and the wife loses.
To avoid that very unsatisfactory dilemma, I encourage spouses to put all unresolved conflicts on the front burner until an enthusiastic agreement can be found for them. In other words, doing nothing should not be an outcome tolerated by either spouse.
Skill and Goodwill Help Keep Negotiation Alive
The primary reason that couples avoid discussing conflicts in marriage is that it usually doesn’t turn out well. The discussion usually ends up in a fight. But if you have been practicing the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, you are learning how to make these discussions pleasant and safe. You are also finding it easier to resolve conflicts with mutual enthusiasm. That makes it easier to mention them as they occur.
Some very highly emotionally charged conflicts may still be out of reach for you, but as you continue to practice resolving lesser issues, your skill will develop to a point where you can handle anything.
But besides building negotiating skill, you may have already noticed something else happening: you are building goodwill toward each other. That’s because negotiating skill requires you to develop a better understanding of each other so that you can both be satisfied with the outcome. You’re learning how to watch each other’s back.
The mark of a good negotiator is goodwill toward the negotiating partner. One of the main reasons that Joyce and I handle conflicts so well is that we want to find resolutions that make both of us happy. We cannot rest if we know that one of us is unhappy with the status quo. If doing nothing makes one of us unhappy, we make time to work together to straighten out the problem. That’s how effective negotiators feel toward each other.
If you become effective negotiators, you will have developed goodwill toward each other. You will not find yourselves willing to settle for a “do nothing” outcome. You will keep the issue alive until a solution is found.
So if one of you is willing to settle for the default condition of the POJA, knowing that the other is unhappy with that outcome, you have not practiced negotiating long enough to become effective negotiators. You should continue to practice coming to an enthusiastic agreement with minor conflicts, learning how to find win-win instead of win-lose resolutions. As you become more skilled, your goodwill toward each other will develop, making you less likely to accept a status quo that makes one of you unhappy.
As with all marital conflicts that are not resolved within a reasonable period of time, when a couple gets stuck, it’s sometimes helpful to get creative ideas from other sources. One possibility is to consult with an expert in finding solutions to specific marital problems. I am asked almost daily to help couples think of a resolution to their conflict that they might both agree to enthusiastically. My answer is usually accompanied by a rationale designed to convince both spouses that it’s the right path to follow.
But another valuable source of creative solutions is the Marriage Builders Forum found at the MarriageBuilders.com website. Thousands of people have joined this community to help couples find win-win resolutions to their conflicts, and it’s entirely free of charge. Many of these people have become experts at resolving all sorts of marital conflicts.
The more you come to understand the va
lue of finding win-win solutions to marital problems, and the more skilled you become in finding them, the closer you will feel toward each other. With both of you wanting happiness for each other, you will reject permanent outcomes that leave either of you dissatisfied, including the “do nothing” default condition of the Policy of Joint Agreement.
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How to Negotiate When You’re Not Enthusiastic about Much
As a clinical psychologist, I have been trained to help people who are suffering from depression. These are people who experience very little joy in life, and plenty of sorrow. They have great difficulty finding anything to be enthusiastic about. Does that describe the way you or your spouse feels? If so, would that rule you out of marital negotiation?
My requirement of “enthusiastic” agreement in marriage is, in part, to discourage “reluctant” agreement. I don’t want couples to settle for lifestyle choices in which one spouse feels pressured or obligated to agree. When that happens, even though there is agreement, it’s not actually a win-win outcome. I want couples to hold out for choices that will give them mutual happiness. Those are the choices that make the most Love Bank deposits. Win-win decisions help a couple stay in love.
But they do something else that clinical psychologists have observed: they keep people from being depressed. The more decisions a person makes that are clearly in their own interest, the happier they tend to be (as long as they are not at the expense of others). When they make reluctant decisions, they tend to be depressed.
So I’ve witnessed a pattern when it comes to marital negotiation. When reluctant agreement is accepted as an outcome, at least one spouse often ends up feeling depressed, incapable of being enthusiastic about much. And when a spouse is depressed, reluctant agreement seems to be their only option since they don’t feel enthusiastic about anything very often.
He Wins, She Wins Page 11
