Strange then, that my mother had allowed me to take charge now, to make an important decision like where to put the tree. This could affect everyone’s enjoyment of Christmas. This could make or break Christmas! To be honest, I’d expected her to bring a fibre optic tree and to see the manor house already decorated when I got here, but for some reason she hadn’t and it hadn’t been. Was she becoming more laid back or was she losing her grip a little as the menopause left its mark? I’d heard that the latter could happen but it was the type of thing that Esther would never discuss with me. I mean, Karl had given me ‘the talk’ about periods and boys. From a few different perspectives, which had been strange but very informative. I’d known far more about homosexuality and heterosexuality at fourteen than most of my friends. I’d like to think that my knowledge (that I shared readily with them) had helped some of them to grow up more open-minded. Love was love whatever form it came in.
‘Uh…what do you think?’ I stared at the tree and chewed my lip, hoping that Sam would help me out.
‘Oh no you don’t.’ He nudged me in the ribs with one hand whilst supporting the tree with another.
‘What do you mean?’ I raised my eyebrows and feigned innocence.
‘I mean, you wicked, conniving lady, that you’re not putting the blame for placing the tree in the wrong place on me. I want to stay in Esther’s good books. It’s important.’
‘Why?’
Sam glanced away and I wanted to kick myself.
‘Because it’s important that I create a good impression. Your family have kindly invited us to share in Christmas. I don’t want to appear ungrateful.’ He held my gaze and my heart rate increased rapidly, something that seemed to be happening a lot since I’d arrived in Penshurst. Heat crawled over my chest, up my neck and into my cheeks where it blazed but I just couldn’t tear my eyes from his.
‘No.’
‘No?’ He frowned.
‘Of course not. They would never think you were being ungrateful.’ The words sounded slurry but my mouth had dried right up. I needed a coffee and some cake. And soon. All this unfamiliar excitement was proving too much. I mean, I hadn’t seen Sam in years yet here we were and it was as if we had some deep connection that had never died. Or was it all in my head? I’ll admit, I was still attracted to him, perhaps more than ever, but this was dangerous ground. He was a nice guy and he was no doubt just trying to make me feel a bit better about myself in order to give me the confidence boost I needed to decide where to put the tree.
‘So are you going to decide, Katie Warham? The clock is ticking. Do you want to ask the audience or phone a friend?’ I stared at the tree as if it would have the answer.
‘Hey you two!’ Karl sprang into the hallway.
‘Where’ve you been?’ I placed my hands on my hips and shook my head.
‘Wrapping some of the gifts we picked up today, Baby Sis.’ He tapped my nose. ‘I can’t wait to see your face tomorrow.’
‘You really shouldn’t have.’
‘I really should! Now why are you gorgeous people standing around in the hallway staring at our lovely tree?’
‘We don’t know where to put it,’ I explained.
‘In the drawing room, of course.’ Karl eyed us both as if we were idiots.
‘You sure?’ Sam asked.
‘Yes. That’s where the stockings will be hung over the fireplace and where we will have Champagne in the morning. So yes. We can appreciate it there.’
‘Do as the man said then, Sam.’ I offered my best defeated expression but I was secretly thrilled that Karl had rescued me.
Sam laughed. ‘You got out of that one, Katie, but there’ll be another decision you’ll have to make at some point over the holidays, no doubt. One that Karl can’t make for you.’
I shrugged but my heart raced as I wondered what he could mean. Karl had saved the day. Again. As he usually did. I loved my brother so much. And I also loved the way that Sam teased me. It was like when we were kids but different. Before things had gotten so serious and painful. Back then, I’d been a gawky teen, then an awkward twenty-something but now I was a woman. A slightly overweight, frizzy-haired woman who still worried on occasion about what others thought of her and doubted her ability to read a man correctly, but a grown up regardless. I was able to volley now, whereas when I’d been younger, I’d just clammed up completely and been unable to return the shot. Okay, so I was no pro but I could hold my own. At least, I hoped I could. As long as I didn’t let those big brown eyes put me off my serve.
As Karl and I followed Sam into the drawing room, I wondered why I’d actually reverted to using tennis metaphors to describe the way I was dealing with Sam’s attention. I’d never played tennis. But then I’d never been in a situation like this before either. So perhaps my brain was trying to find new ways to deal with unfamiliar circumstances. It would probably be better if I stopped overanalysing everything, because as Karl often liked to tell me, you cannot understand the whys and the wherefores of everything on this earth. Sometimes you just have to accept that it is what it is.
I just wished I knew what it was.
Chapter 7
I let out a sigh of satisfaction and stood back to admire our handiwork. The tree looked wonderful, but there were two things left to do.
‘Karl?’
My brother glanced up from his iPad; he was sat snuggled on the sofa with Angelo. ‘Yeah?’
‘Where’s the…uh…’ I gestured at the top of the tree and he nodded.
‘I’ll go get it.’ Karl tapped Angelo’s shins and he swung his legs around from where they’d been resting on Karl’s lap.
So far, Christmas Eve had been magical. I’d been shopping with Sam, my brother and Angelo. I’d returned to find Mum the image of contentment as she made gingerbread men with Holly and my father talking Jack through the mechanics of WWII planes. We’d enjoyed a light lunch of my mother’s secret recipe festive ham and homemade chips – which were always scrummy – and Sam and I had just finished decorating the tree. All it needed was for Holly to do the honours with the fairy and we could turn the lights on.
While we waited for Karl, I took the tiny pink teddy bear from my pocket and eyed the tree, looking for the best place for it. I’d taken it out of my bag when I’d taken my purchases up to my room. I took a deep breath and reached up and slipped it onto a high branch, then straightened it so that it faced the room.
‘Katie, is that…’ Sam touched my arm.
‘Yes.’
‘You kept it all these years?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m glad.’
I turned and met his eyes. Sam knew; he remembered. Just like me. ‘It’s for Granny too.’ My voice came out all wobbly.
He nodded. ‘She bought it, didn’t she? So it’s for her and the baby.’
I turned away from him then and walked to the window. I stared out at the grounds, trying to think about anything other than the pain in my chest that threatened to consume me. Life was so unfair! I wanted them both back. I wanted to have my child with me at Christmas, she would have been nearly ten now. Would she have looked like Jack and Holly? Would she have been bright and funny and cute and sitting on the sofa with Granny as they made each other laugh? Would Sam and I still have been together with a precious family all of our own?
Hold it together, Katie!
I dug my nails into my palms until it hurt and ground my teeth together. I had to stay strong. Everyone was missing Granny; it wasn’t just me. If only it didn’t hurt so bloody much.
‘Katie?’ Sam stood at my side. ‘You can talk to me about this you know. It happened to me too.’
‘I know,’ I whispered, well aware that I had no intention of doing so. Sam had been through even more since we’d lost our little girl so why would I want to add to his pain?
‘Here we are!’ Karl returned with a gold satin bag. As my brother handed the bag to Holly, I mentally shook myself then returned to the tree.
�
�Thank you, Karl,’ Holly whispered. I smiled in spite of my heartache as I watched her hold the bag as carefully as if it contained the crown jewels, albeit light ones.
‘Come here then, Holly,’ Sam said and he scooped her up. She opened the bag and took out the prettiest angel I had ever seen. It had a sweet little face which resembled Holly’s and its tiny chiffon dress sparkled with hundreds of tiny rhinestones.
‘She’s beautiful,’ Holly breathed as she held the fairy up.
‘Well you must take her home with you after Christmas, Holly,’ Karl said.
‘Oh can I?’ Holly glanced at Karl and he gave her a thumbs-up.
‘Thank you so much, Karl.’
A lump lodged in my throat and I inhaled shakily. Hold it together, Katie. Start blubbering now and you’ll never stop. The combination of the festive atmosphere, my grief over Granny and the pink teddy bear and all that it represented, were proving difficult to deal with. Holding hands with Sam in town. Becoming emotional over a Christmas tree decoration. Holding hands with Sam in town. How could I forget that one…ever? The way his hand enveloped mine as if it belonged there. Like it used to. I shook my head. It was obviously down to the fact that it was Christmas and my grief for Granny was so raw.
My family all stood up and approached the tree. Karl held up his tablet and videoed the scene with Angelo peering over his shoulder. Dad stood with an arm around Mum while Jack stood in front of them, still nursing the WWII book as if he was afraid it would be stolen if he left it unattended. Aunty Gina and Tanberk swayed in time to Bing Crosby’s White Christmas as it flowed from the stereo. Only my cousin Rebecca remained seated, but even she had a smile on her lips which I could see because she had finally lowered the iPad from her face. It was a beautiful, happy scene and I took a mental snapshot. Moments like these were few and far between but this was one I would treasure. I knew that none of us were perfect, we all had flaws and secrets and insecurities. But right then, my heart was filled with joy. Even though I missed Granny and knew that it would never be quite the same without her. But that’s life isn’t it? Moving on, changing, one occasion never the same as the last. Life is full of loss and pain which is why we have to savour the good times and treasure the memories.
Sam raised Holly towards the tree and she placed the fairy at the top. There was a collective sigh as the sparkly decoration settled into place. Karl waited until they were clear of the tree, then he switched the plug on at the wall. The lights flickered twice before starting to twinkle, a pretty rainbow of orbs, making the tree more beautiful than I had imagined it could be. Karl had purchased all different colours of tinsel, stating that silver and gold were boring and that multi-coloured was so in vogue this year, and it glowed with the reflection of the flashing lights.
‘Who’s for Champagne?’ Dad asked. ‘My mother would never forgive us if we…’ His voice cracked and he suddenly covered his face with his hands.
‘Oh, Charles, it’s okay.’ Esther wrapped an arm around him and I watched as his shoulders shook.
I approached them and placed a hand on his arm. ‘Dad?’
He took a deep breath, then straightened and took a handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose. Loudly. Dad never could do that quietly. ‘Sorry about that, girls.’ He looked around the room. ‘Apologies, everyone.’
There were murmurs of don’t worry about it and perfectly understandable and we’re all family here.
‘Katie!’ Dad opened his arms and I stared at him, confused. ‘Come here!’ He pulled me into a bear hug and stroked my hair. ‘Let it out, angel, it’s okay to do that.’ As my face pressed against his chest, I realised that I’d been crying too because my cheeks were soaking wet. He held me there for a while as I released some of my pain, comforted by the fact that I was hidden from view.
‘I’ll get the Champagne,’ Mum said when I finally emerged. ‘I think we could all do with a glass.’
‘That would be lovely, Esther,’ Gina said, her own eyes red-rimmed and puffy.
‘What about eggnog?’ Sam asked.
I gawked at him. ‘Eggnog?’
‘Haven’t you ever tried it?’
I shook my head, pleased that he didn’t seem shocked by my display of emotion – or my father’s.
‘Come on then, I’ll show you how to make it.’
As everyone else took their seats in the drawing room and Dad popped open a bottle of bubbly, Sam led me into the kitchen and started rifling around in the cupboards and fridge. He placed eggs, sugar, brandy, milk, cream and nutmeg onto the large kitchen island, then he handed me a whisk and a bowl.
‘What am I supposed to do with these, Sam?’
‘I’ll show you now, Miss Impatient.’ He grinned and I felt that all-too-familiar fluttering.
He separated the eggs, then began beating the yolks in a bowl.
‘So what is it that you do now, Sam?’
‘Add the other ingredients?’
‘I meant, for a living.’
‘Same type of thing that I’ve always done, Katie, but I’m self-employed now and tend to do contract work.’ Shit. I couldn’t recall exactly what it was other than it had something to do with IT. When we’d been together, he’d worked for a local firm in the IT section, inputting data and updating systems, but so many jobs were IT-centred now that it was hard to keep track of what was what. ‘I work mainly from home.’
‘Oh. Well that’s the thing with theInternet, isn’t it? You can do it all from home. Well…not everything, but…’
‘I’ve branched out into web design too,’ he said. ‘I can do most of that from home but I do need to venture out sometimes to meet up with clients and attend conferences and business lunches.’
I gathered up the empty eggshells and popped them into a food recycling bin on the windowsill. ‘Do you enjoy it?’
He nodded. ‘Most of the time. It means that I get to use my skillset and to be there for the children. How many fathers can say that they do the school run, attend sports days and Christmas concerts and make dinner every evening?’ He smiled again but behind the smile I could sense something else.
‘You’re lucky. A lot of fathers miss out on things like that. I know that Dad wasn’t always there for dinner. Or sports days or…’ In fact, when I really thought about it, he hadn’t been there very often at all. It was always Esther on the side-line cheering us on. Esther in the kitchen overseeing homework and fixing dinner. Esther reprimanding me for coming home, slightly inebriated, after curfew. Esther trying to insist that I stay home because I was grounded, then sighing as I stormed out of the door screaming I hate you! I shivered. Had I been that awful as a teen?
‘I’m very lucky, Katie. I earn a good wage and live in the town where we grew up. I still see people I went to school with and my parents are on hand whenever I need them. Of course, they like to go abroad a few times a year but they’re entitled to do that. And sometimes…’ He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
‘Sometimes?’ I opened the milk and sniffed it. A habit I had inherited from Esther. She had always said that you should check that the milk was fresh and that your nose was the best judge of that. I had a feeling that Sam was about to open up and I didn’t want to put him off by seeming too keen to listen.
‘Sometimes, I’m actually glad to have some time without Mum and Dad around.’
‘Oh?’
‘That makes me sound like a total bastard, right? They’ve been so supportive since Maria died but I’m thirty-six now and I rarely get a day to myself. I feel more like a sixteen year old being constantly watched just in case I get something wrong. They even phone me twice a day.’
I thought about Sam’s parents. It had been a long time since I’d seen them. What I did recall of them was a pleasant couple who seemed interested in what their son did with his time but I didn’t recall him ever saying that they were overprotective or overbearing. Not when we were younger. Not even when things had taken an unexpected turn for us.
‘
They weren’t always so protective,’ Sam said, as if reading my thoughts. ‘When you and I were together, they were quite relaxed.’
‘They were always good to me.’
‘They missed you after we split. My mother said it was like losing a part of her own family. I mean, we’d been together such a long time.’
‘Six years.’ I met his eyes but looked quickly away. How had we been together for so long then apart for all these years with no contact? Was it all my fault?
‘It was hard letting go of you. I struggled for a while there.’
‘But then you moved on.’ I didn’t need to say that, did I?
He stared hard at me and I felt my cheeks glow. ‘You made it quite clear that you didn’t need me.’ Something crossed his face then and I wondered if it was pain? What was I doing? This man had lost his wife a year ago and here I was dragging up the past. I should be helping him to relax, to enjoy Christmas, not making him remember why we broke up nearly a decade ago.
‘Did your parents like Maria a lot?’ I smiled to show that I wasn’t expecting a negative reply.
‘Yes. They were just happy to see me trying to move on with my life. They’d have warmed to anyone, I think. So when Maria and I married, they were happy to let us get on with things. We’d meet up a few times a week, you know the usual stuff, pop in for coffee or Sunday lunch, or to drop off the kids or pick them up, but after she died…they changed. I think they were worried that I’d lose it all over again and that Jack and Holly wouldn’t be properly cared for.’ He lifted the whisk out of the eggs and held it above the bowl, testing the consistency. ‘That’s about right.’
What did he mean by all over again? Had he fallen apart after our loss and break-up?
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t have let that happen, Sam. Anyone can see how much you love your children.’
‘I do,’ he said and held my gaze. ‘I’ll admit that the first few months after Maria died were hard…I was numb, in some kind of limbo…but you adapt to a new routine and you keep going. Every day you manage is a small victory. Maybe if it had just been me, I would have lost it, but I had two young children relying on me, so I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.’
Wish Upon a Christmas Cake Page 9
