As I turned the shower on and stepped under the spray, my hands were shaking. Was this it? Would tonight be the night that I finally got to be with him again? What would it be like after all those years? The same or different? Or would it be the night that we finally said goodbye?
Chapter 20
I checked my appearance in the mirror for the hundredth time. Did I look okay? Was I smart enough? Where was Sam planning on taking me? I didn’t want to be overdressed but neither did I want to look too casual. I should have asked him!
At least black could look smart or casual. My chiffon mid-thigh blouse over a black cami paired with leggings was quite fetching, especially when I pulled on my knee-high boots with their chunky heel. But, alas, my hair was doing its usual stubborn thing and curling wherever it chose to go, so I just smoothed in some coconut serum and let it get on with it. A smudge of eyeliner and a dash of lip gloss and I was ready as I’d ever be. I’d even donned my best lingerie – just in case – and shaved my legs.
I grabbed my coat and handbag and negotiated the stairs, careful not to slip. I didn’t want to ruin my night by breaking a boot heel or, even worse, a leg. Although I suspected that even if I did, I’d have carried on regardless and swallowed as many painkillers as I could manage rather than cancel on Sam tonight. A vision of me clinging to his arm and hopping along, insisting that my broken ankle was just a sprain, popped into my head and I giggled. Was I that desperate to be alone with him, then?
My bag suddenly buzzed and I pulled out my mobile. It was Ann telling me that they were heading out to the casinos. They’d married mid-week and she’d texted me photographs. Even wearing a plain white blouse and linen trousers, with a mini-veil on a headband pushed behind her ears, she’d been beautiful. The thought of it brought a lump to my throat. I was so sad that I hadn’t been there, but extremely happy for her and Mark. And their little baby. I couldn’t wait to meet mini-Ann. I was already convinced that it would be a girl and that she’d be as lovely as her mummy.
As I neared the doorway into the shop, I paused. Mum would have put the closed sign up by now but I could hear voices and more than two. Who was there? A hot Italian accent drifted through to me and I grinned. Karl and Angelo! They must be home for that film awards ceremony. But wasn’t that tonight in London?
I walked into the shop and Karl opened his arms. ‘There she is! My beautiful sister!’ He marched towards me and pulled me into his arms. As he pressed me against his chest, he whispered, ‘Go get changed.’
I pulled back. ‘What?’
‘Go put on your best frock.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘We’re taking you to the fifth Annual Anglo-American Film Awards Ceremony. Oh and pack an overnight bag because we’ve reservations at the Park Plaza.’
‘What?’ I gaped at my brother, awe mingling with sadness. I’d love to go to an awards ceremony but it would mean that I wouldn’t get the chance to talk to Sam properly. I peered at him but he was engaged in conversation with Angelo.
‘Oh don’t worry, Katie, Sam is coming too.’
‘He is?’
‘Of course. I wouldn’t whisk you away and leave Prince Charming behind, would I? And Mum and Dad will open up the shop in the morning and hold the fort until you get back. It’s all arranged.’
I kissed Karl’s cheek, leaving a red lip gloss print then hurried back up to the flat. So I was off to a film awards ceremony with my brother, his boyfriend and Sam. Could this evening get any better? My big conversation with Sam would have to wait.
***
I raised my flute of Champagne and took the delicious icy liquid into my mouth and let the bubbles fizz on my tongue. Apparently, the evening could get better – by the minute. I was wearing my best strapless Monsoon cocktail dress (black, of course) and a pair of strappy stiletto heels I’d bought once on a whim, then hidden at the back of my wardrobe. I’d forgotten they were there until I’d reached in there searching for a suitable clutch. I’d considered wearing the silver-blue Jimmy Choos that Karl had bought me, but something held me back and I’d opted for the black patent sandals instead.
Next to me on the back seat of the limousine sat Sam. He was breathtakingly handsome in a tuxedo that Karl just happened to have with him. Something made me think that this might have all been planned by my mother and Karl without my knowledge – or Sam’s – but I really didn’t care. I suspected that Esther had encouraged him to come to the shop knowing that Karl would arrive to whisk us away to the awards ceremony. It was a way of getting us together to have some fun. And it was like a dream come true. I eyed Sam as he sipped his Champagne. With his dark hair, olive complexion and large muscular build he could be an actor or a model for Armani or another big fashion house. But I also knew what a good man he was; how kind, clever and considerate he was and those qualities mattered far more to me. Looks could fade, but a good heart was a good heart, no matter how old you got or how life battered you. He was my friend and had been for years, even though we’d had time apart. I realised now that we’d both grown in that time and changed and that we’d come back together with far more to offer than we’d had as kids. If only we could find a way to make things work, that included Jack, Holly and Crumbtious.
‘Katie!’ Karl interrupted my thoughts from his seat that ran along the side of the lengthy vehicle. ‘Stop drooling over Sam and finish your Champagne.’
I blushed furiously. ‘You have to say it like it is don’t you, Karl!’
‘Well I don’t blame you, Katie. If I wasn’t so in love…’ He ran hand over Angelo’s muscular thigh. ‘Then I’d probably fancy Sam too. Oldest friend or not.’
Sam shook his head and laughed. ‘You know I love you too, Karl.’
‘I know!’ my brother exclaimed, then he refilled our glasses. I watched as he swigged his Champagne and, for a moment, worry nagged at me. Was he okay? He was always the life and soul of the party but tonight he seemed somehow agitated. He was certainly getting the drink into him and he was louder than usual, but it could be down to nerves or excitement. After all, he had been nominated for several awards. That had to affect even the most nonchalant of actors, right?
A hand landed on my knee and I met Sam’s melted-chocolate gaze. It’s all right, he mouthed at me. I smiled in appreciation, then took his hand. Yes it was. How could it be otherwise? I was with Sam, for tonight at least. Karl had Angelo. Mum and Dad were moving to France. It would all be fine. Somehow or other. Wouldn’t it?
The limousine pulled up in front of the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden and my stomach did a little flip. Actually, make that a huge flip. The pavement outside was teeming with security and fences had been erected either side of the building’s facade to keep onlookers back. Even from inside the vehicle, the flashes of cameras were visible and I could hear the excited calls of journalists and fans as they spotted the celebrities they adored.
The cream front of the Opera House was impressive with its proud pillars, arched windows and multiple doorways. The building had been designed to maximize acoustics and the high arches of the roof were testament to this. It was a building I’d never been inside before yet always meant to visit and now, this evening, I would be attending a prestigious event in which my brother’s achievements might be recognised. I finished my Champagne, then placed the flute in the convenient holder to my side and squeezed Sam’s hand tight as the driver opened the door and we all climbed out into the chilly February evening.
I was grateful of Sam’s hand in the small of my back as we negotiated our way across the red carpet that covered the steps in front of the building. With the shouts from both sides and the constant flashing of cameras, I didn’t know which way to look. We paused before the doors with Angelo to wait for Karl. I couldn’t help but admire the way that my brother posed elegantly for photographs and answered the paparazzi’s questions naturally and succinctly, as if he did this every day of the week. But then, he probably did, which increased my pride that he was related t
o me. There I was, running a small cake shop, while Karl was an international star. I could never have coped with such public adulation, yet for Karl it was a way of life. How could two siblings be so different?
At my side, Angelo waited patiently and I suddenly realised how difficult this must be for him too. Karl was still officially ‘in the closet’, although there had been rumours about him, as there are with all stars. Yet he and Angelo managed to maintain their relationship whilst keeping it relatively private. I wondered if they would ever be able to openly declare their love for one another or if they’d spend their lives pretending to be something else. Which we all do in one way or another, I guess. I’d done it with Harrison. But no longer; from now on I was being honest about what I wanted and who I wanted to be with.
I leant into Sam and he looked down at me. And there, in full public view, I reached up and pulled him closer, then kissed him softly on the lips.
‘What was that for?’ he whispered as he stared into my eyes.
‘Just because,’ I replied as I breathed him in, savouring his deliciously heady scent and the warmth of his body so close to mine. Even if we couldn’t be together after tonight, at least I would have this time with him.
Once Karl had finished posing for photographs, we were ushered into a reception room where I struggled to keep my mouth closed. There were television actors and presenters, radio DJs, Hollywood stars, supermodels and designers. I’d already had two glasses of Champagne in the limo but now I felt as giddy as if I’d drunk ten.
‘It’s all right, Katie. They’re just people,’ Sam whispered as he firmly tucked my hand into the crook of his arm.
‘Yeah, I know but, look! There’s that bloke off Strictly Come Dancing…the one who won last year with the tiny feisty professional dancer. And look!’ I pointed and Sam immediately covered my finger with his hand and lowered it slowly.
‘Try not to point, Katie.’ He laughed soft and low and it reverberated throughout my body, tingling me in forbidden places.
‘Sorry.’ I squeezed his arm and shivered with pleasure as my fingers pressed into the rock-hard bicep beneath my fingers. ‘Ann would be thrilled if she was here.’
‘So, Little Sister,’ Karl smiled at me as he took a glass of Champagne from a passing waiter, ‘what do you think about this, then?’
‘Impressive.’ I grinned. ‘How do you cope being surrounded by these glamorous people all the time?’
He shrugged. ‘They’re just people.’
‘See,’ Sam said.
‘Some of them are really nice – like in the real world – and some of them are pretentious, idiotic fools. But like most people they’re just earning a living the best way they can.’ Karl downed his drink, then reached for another.
Angelo leant towards Karl and whispered into his ear.
‘No, Angelo, I do not think I’ve had enough! I intend to enjoy tonight. You should loosen up and have some fun too.’
Angelo bit his full bottom lip and I could see that he was holding back. Whatever was going on with Karl was worrying, but I knew that trying to talk to him when he’d had a drink would be futile and I really didn’t want to ruin his evening. Karl had always been such a rock for me, so sensible and practical, but I knew that everyone has a breaking point. I just hoped that Karl hadn’t reached his. I knew how much he’d loved Granny – he’d doted on the little old lady – but he’d not said much about her since the funeral. He’d clearly missed her at Christmas, we all had, but perhaps his grief was just taking hold as her loss sank in, or perhaps it was something different altogether.
I reached out and stroked his cheek. ‘You know we love you and we’re proud of you, right?’
He turned slightly glassy eyes my way, then nodded. ‘I know, Katie. I’m fine, honestly. Just been really busy since Christmas with filming and I’m a bit tired. I just need to pin my knickers to my vest and get on with it.’ I winced at the phrase our granny had used whenever she’d had to endure something unpleasant.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, could you please move into the auditorium and take your seats!’ a loud and familiar voice announced over the Tannoy and I recognised it as belonging to a Radio 2 DJ.
I watched as Angelo held Karl’s gaze and my brother offered a thin smile before we moved into the auditorium and took our seats in the stalls. Sam and I gazed around the luxurious space and I marvelled at its sheer size and opulence. Decked out in red and gold, the auditorium was a venue fit for kings and queens. There were four tiers of boxes and balconies decked out with elegant red velvet and illuminated with candle-effect lights that ran the length of each balcony.
‘This place is amazing,’ I said to Sam.
‘Never been here before,’ he replied. ‘I’m ashamed to admit it now. We’ll have to come here again later in the year.’ He flashed me a smile and I hugged myself inside. He’d said ‘we’, as if we were a couple, as if we had a future. If only that were true.
Suddenly, the lights dimmed and music blasted from the speakers. I settled more comfortably in my chair as the awards ceremony began, but even though I was excited at being there, I was more excited at the fact that Sam was holding my hand tightly in his, warming me right through.
Was there a way to make this work?
***
‘And the winner of the award for best male lead is…’ The gazelle on stage with the flowing blonde mane and legs up to her ears (who I realised was Aurelia, the American actress who’d recently starred with Karl in a rom-com) held her breath. I glanced around me, realising that everyone else was holding theirs too, waiting; tense and taut as springs. This was such a big deal; it was the most coveted award of the night. Karl had already won three others, but I knew that this was the one he’d want most of all. ‘Our fabulously talented and handsome…Karl Warham!’ She waved her pin-thin arms in the air.
Karl sprang from his seat, then grabbed Angelo’s hand and pulled him up. The camera zoomed in on them and I watched as Angelo stared anxiously at my brother. What was he doing? There were gasps and sighs as Karl dragged Angelo behind him towards the stage then up the steps at the side, his feet matching the tempo of the music from his last movie – forceful, dramatic and commanding. Next to me, Sam muttered, ‘Uh-oh.’ I craned forwards, my heart hammering away as I wondered what had gotten into Karl.
Karl held up a hand and waved at the audience. On the big screen behind him, I could see that his pupils were dilated in his beautiful eyes. He looked wild, in love and almost frightening, not at all like the big brother I knew so well. But then, how well do we really know anyone? I’d taken so much for granted with Mum and Dad, not realising for so long that Mum had suffered her own trials and Dad, well, he had been a cheat and a liar and was no longer the perfect man I’d once believed him to be. So how much had I missed about Karl? Had I failed to take him as seriously as I should have, always believing that he was the golden child and would never disappoint, never fail to come out on top? Had my life-long perception of his strength and perfection been based upon a reality created by my parents, by me?
‘Katie, keep calm. He obviously knows what he’s doing.’ Sam pulled me back into my seat and placed an arm around my shoulders. His warmth comforted me and I realised that I had suddenly become very cold. I needed his strength right there and then and I was glad that he was there.
‘I hope you’re right, Sam.’
‘Thank you, London!’ Karl shouted as he ran a hand through his shiny golden hair. He staggered, but righted himself by holding onto Angelo, who was now looking mortified. ‘Do you know…?’ Karl continued, ‘I am SO grateful for this!’ He held out a hand to the gazelle and she placed a shiny glass globe on a silver stand into his palm, then kissed him effusively on both cheeks. Karl held the award aloft and the camera zoomed in, clearly showing its engraving for Best Male Lead role. ‘But… I could not have done this without the help of some very special people in my life.’ The camera moved onto Angelo and he smiled though it failed to reach his eyes. ‘
I have to tell you that I’ve been hiding some things from you all,’ Karl continued. I felt perspiration prickle my brow in spite of how chilled I was. ‘Before Christmas, in October, I lost a woman I loved with all of my heart. I lost my darling, sweet Granny and I’ll be honest with you, London, it broke my heart.’ Karl leant forwards and stared right into the camera and there was a loud ‘Aww’ from the audience. My heart ached as tears sprang into Karl’s eyes. ‘But this loss made me realise something very clearly. Life is short, guys! SOOOO short. One minute we’re here and the next we’re gone and that is why you cannot live a lie. You hear that, Katie?’ He stared into the audience and my white face appeared on the screen. I winced at how large I was up there behind him, my face a blank moon studded with shocked green eyes and surrounded by brown curls. Was that really me? The people sat in front of me turned and stared at me accusingly and I sank in my seat, trying to disappear. ‘Katie!’ Karl shouted.
‘Yes,’ I replied and before I knew it a microphone was thrust into my hand. I was aware of lights appearing all over the auditorium as onlookers began to film the spectacle on their mobile phones. Sam held me tighter and I gripped his leg with one hand, the microphone in the other.
‘Katie, my sweet, baby sister, you cannot live a lie. Granny was right when she told you that you have to live, you have to grab it with both hands and do whatever it is you want to do. If that means being with the man you love then, for goodness sake, be with him! You cannot just exist because you get one chance on this ball of clay and this, my friends, is no rehearsal! Angelo, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ With that, he dropped his award onto the podium and pulled Angelo into his arms, kissing him like they were the only two people in the room.
And I knew, with sudden clarity, that in Karl’s heart and mind, they were the only two people who mattered.
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