by Robin Banks
When we’re finally finished and I get back to the bridge, I find her still in the pilot’s seat, fast asleep.
Kolya pulls me back. “You leave her. She needs sleep.”
“She’ll be sore as hell when she gets up though.”
“Maybe. But she still need sleep. You too.”
I conk out as soon as I’m horizontal. The noise of ships landing shakes me awake for a moment, but I manage to drift off again. The clanging of the build-up disturbs my dreams, but doesn’t wake me up. Kolya does, eventually.
“Time. Sorry.”
Alya’s up too, though she looks awful. “Was the landing ok?”
“I think so. Why?”
“I don’t remember making it. I was flying, and then Kolya woke me up.”
If I wasn’t as tired as I am, I’d probably worry.
We build-up the stables and settle in the animals hardly exchanging a word. When we’re done, I feel totally disoriented. The position of the primary in the sky tells me nothing.
“When are we?”
“Good question,” mumbles Alya. “Late, I think. Hold on. Power goes off in an hour. Food, then sleep?”
“If I have to. I feel sick.”
“If you don’t eat you’ll feel worse tomorrow.”
“Ok then. Does it get any easier?”
She shakes her head. “Nope. You just get used to it being hard.”
We’re too far away from Raj’s house now for him to come visit every day. It’s weird for me to realize how quickly I got used to having him in my life. Alya and Kolya aren’t the same when he’s not around. Kolya doesn’t play his violin and Alya doesn’t smile half as much. Tom is off with the girls, but I don’t fancy that, so I just stay by the bunks and have a crappyish time instead.
Raj does come to see us on the third day. As soon as his ATR pops into view, I feel better. When I realize that, I feel worse. Tom was right. I’m starting to need these people, I’m bound to lose them, and this is bad. I should have listened to him straight away. He knows me.
I still end up spending my evening hanging out with Raj and the guys, though. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? The less he’s here, the more his time here is worth to me.
The same seems to be true for Alya. She’s given up trying to pretend that they don’t have anything going on. Raj is so obviously taken with her that I don’t even feel like making fun of him.
Our site is near a bubble, again. This one is almost as packed with people as the one where we found the dancers. I still can’t get used to that kind of crowding, but I’m getting better at ignoring it. I put my head down, get in there, do what I gotta do, then hoof it back home.
The market here is really good. Everything is a lot cheaper than I’m used to. Tom’s about done kitting out his bunk the way he wants it and is starting to look into clothes.
“We can’t keep going around like this. We look like hobos.”
“Nothing wrong with that. At least nobody’s going to try and rob us.”
“It’s embarrassing, though. I wanna look good.
“Take more than clothes to fix that.”
“Ha ha. Very funny.”
“I want to get some cooking stuff. Like Kolya’s got.”
He stares at me, blinking. “You are joking, right?”
“What’s wrong with that? I want to learn how to cook. Basic stuff, anyway. Nothing fancy.”
“But why?”
“’cause I like to eat? Why else? And Kolya can teach me.”
“Why can’t you use his stuff?”
“Because it’s his stuff. I don’t want to take advantage.”
“Just come to the café with me. That way you’ll meet people, too. Everyone thinks you’re some kind of recluse.”
“I guess they’re kinda right. And the café would work out expensive.”
“You’ve got enough to cover that.”
“Maybe I do, but I’d rather sort myself out instead.”
“I don’t get you anymore. Seriously. You’re going weird on me.”
I laugh. “What’s so weird about wanting to cook?”
“You could be out there chasing tail and having a blast. Instead you’re hanging out with geriatrics and getting all domestic and shit. Carry on like this, and one day you’ll make someone a lovely wife.”
“At the moment I just want to make soup, but thank you for believing in me.”
4.
Between working, catching up with sleep, and trying to get my life organized, time flies. The next move comes round in no time. It’s more of the same misery, but at least we don’t go as far, and we move in the right direction. That is, we’re going to be nearer Raj’s house. That means he’s around every day, again. I thought Alya would be happier, but she’s obviously not. I feel pretty crappy about things, too. We’ve got five days here. After that, we’re leaving Anteia. That means no more Raj. Maybe no more Alya. I don’t really expect her to come with us. I wouldn’t. No way.
According to Tom, nobody on show does.
“They’re not even wondering if she’s going, just how and when. Is she going to tell Jameson, or is she just going to scarper? Is she going to stay on till we leave? Be weird if she did: she won’t get paid for it.”
“Surely if she was just going to leave like that she would have done it right after build-up, when she got paid?”
“Yeah. It’s weird. Maybe she didn’t want to risk Jameson turning up at Raj’s house and screaming the place down.”
“You’ve seen the guards around his place. Do you really think Jameson would be a problem for them?”
“Probably not, but it’d still be aggro. Maybe she’s less confrontational than we think.”
“Yeah, right. Shy and retiring, that’s her.”
“Well, I don’t know. I also don’t know who’s gonna fly our damn ship.”
“Shit. I hadn’t thought about that. Does Kolya fly?”
“I doubt it.”
“Well, that’s going to suck. All of it is going to suck, really.”
Tom thumps me on the arm. “Hey, you’ve still got me.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
“Yes, asshole. Come with me tonight. I’ll introduce you to the girls. I think there’s one you’ve got a chance with.”
“Why, is she blind? Desperate?”
“Neither, sadly, but she’s the next best thing. She’s quiet. Like, super quiet. Hardly says a word. Reads for fun.”
“And you think that’s a good thing? You know that my reading sucks.”
“She reads enough for the both of you. I don’t know. I just think you’d get on. Particularly now that you’re officially a boring bastard.”
“I’m so glad you’re my friend.”
“Think about it. The two of you could spend hours in uncomfortable silence, neither of you ever making a move. What’s not to like?”
“Ok. I’ll think about it.”
He rolls his eyes. “Girls are not for thinking about. They’re for having a good time with.”
“I didn’t think you were having much luck.”
“Heh. Anteian girls are kinda hard work, and the rest are all taken or too stuck up to deal with the likes of us. But I’m getting there. You’ll see. And it’s fun trying, anyway. Hey, you could play your guitar for them.”
“As soon as I learn to, sure. Shouldn’t take longer than a few years.”
“You should hurry that up. Chicks dig musicians.”
“How the hell would you know? Raj is the first one you’ve met. And Kolya plays a mean violin and women aren’t battering down his door.”
“Yeah, but he’s like a hundred years old. You’re not.”
“I probably will be by the time I learn to play well enough.”
“Then you’re kinda fucked. Or unfucked. What are you going to do, cook for them? Show them how good you are at shoveling shit?”
“Maybe I just want to find somebody who will like me, with or without party tricks.”
He laughs. “Yeah, that’s likely.”
“Thank you?”
“I mean, you have to dazzle them a bit to get them to notice you.”
“I wonder how Raj and Alya got together.”
“I bet you it wasn’t over shoveling shit.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Well, when you’re a handsome guy who lives in a palace in its own bubble and drives half a fleet of ATRs, maybe you’ll also be strangely attractive to women without the need for party tricks. Until then, you better work on what you’ve got.”
Tom is not completely wrong in thinking that it’d be nice for me to meet a someone. I’ve been feeling kind of jealous of Raj and Alya lately. Well, maybe not jealous, but wistful. I wish one day I’ll have what they have. It seems about as good as anything could ever be. I’ve been thinking that if I found something like that, maybe I wouldn’t need anything else much. I mean, I know I’d still need air and water and food and somewhere to live and all that, but if I could go home to someone who feels like that about me, I wouldn’t need much else to be happy.
That’s what I thought up until we got here, anyway. Now I’m starting to think that I was wrong. Very wrong. Those two still clearly love each other, though it's not a word they use in public, but they’re looking increasingly miserable. Raj seems to be barely containing his terror, and Alya flips back and forth between misery and anger. Mostly anger. I think anger is her go-to emotion when things are bad. I get where she’s coming from, but it’s a touch hard on those around her.
Their moods degenerate so much as the week goes on that I reckon Tom and his gossipy friends are full of shit. I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I’m sure it’s not as simple as they make it. If Alya was just about to rush into Raj’s arms and live here in happiness forever, why are the two of them so damn unhappy?
Shit comes to a head the night before our last day. It’s well before power out. Raj and Alya are in her ATR, which is weird. They’re normally more subtle than that. I don’t think much of it, though, until I start hearing their voices. I can’t help hearing them, because they’re shouting. Kolya and I exchange a look, but there’s nothing much we can do about it. It’s bad enough that if they get any louder the rest of the show’s going to hear, too. We’ll probably end up with gawkers.
Alya sounds furious. “I can’t! You know I can’t! You keep talking as if it were simple!”
Raj’s response is just as loud, but comparatively unemotional. “It is simple. If you want to stay, you stay.”
“How can I?”
“By not going.”
“Don’t talk to me like that!”
“What else can I say? If you want to stay with me, don’t leave.”
“Stay here and do what?”
“Whatever you want. Or nothing. Why do you have to be doing something?”
“So I stay here as what, your concubine?”
“Unless you marry me.”
“You never asked!”
“You never gave me a chance to! I’m asking now. Well, no, I’m saying that it’s bloody obvious that I want to be with you and I don’t care about the… The terms you set on that. I care about you. I don’t care about anything else.”
“You don’t. That’s the problem.”
“What?”
“You don’t care that I would have to give up everything.”
“Of course I do! I know how much you love it here!”
“But you’re still asking me to give it all up.”
“What else can we do? I can’t drop everything and come with you. I have responsibilities.”
“And I don’t?”
“Of course you do! But you’re hired here. My dad can’t hire someone else to be his son.”
“And what would I be if I stayed?”
“What?”
“If I stay here because you want me to, what would that make me?”
Raj sounds bereft. “I thought you wanted to stay here because you loved me. Because we love each other. Not as a favor.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
“That’s what it sounded like. Do you love me? Yes or no.”
“Of course I do!”
“So what is the problem? Why are you leaving me? Don’t you trust me?”
“I barely know you.”
“Really?”
“Really. I know you love me now, or think you do. You barely know me, too. I could give up everything, give up my whole life, and a month or a year down the line you could change your mind. I’d end up with nothing.”
“Nothing.” Now he sounds pissed, too. “Nothing. Giving us a chance to be together is nothing to you. What we have is nothing?” He’s roaring so loud now that they must be hearing him from the big top. “Why all of this, then? Was this some kind of game to you? To see how far you could string me along?”
Next thing I know, the ATR door opens and Alya streaks out and disappears behind the stables. Raj walks out moments later, clearly distraught. He see us sitting by the bunks, and staggers towards us.
“Kolya, I swear I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry. I got angry. I wasn’t going to… You know I wasn’t.”
Kolya rushes up to him. “I know. She knows.”
“Didn’t you see her?”
“I saw her. Not your fault.”
“Not my fault? I lost it. I blew it.”
“Someone blow this for you. Long time ago. You know this.”
“Will you tell her that I’m sorry? I never meant to…” He’s actually crying now.
“You tell her. Come, sit.”
“I have to go. If I frightened her…”
“You frighten her. But she knows you are safe, too. She comes back when her head is working.”
“Oh, Kolya. What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. All this time, I hope… I still hope. I never stop. But maybe you don’t wait now. You wait too long, you end up like me.”
“Wait? I wasn’t waiting now. Or the time before. I just can’t… Who do you know who’s half what she is?”
“Nobody. I don’t. But I don’t look. And is a big world.”
“I don’t want to look, Kolya.”
“I know. Maybe you don’t look. But you keep your eyes open, your heart open. If the heart is closed, nobody can get in.”
“So you’re saying I should give up?”
Kolya pats his face. “I say I don’t know. I want the best for you. Both of you. So I hope. Maybe you hope too, but keep your eyes open. I don’t know. Is very sad for me. You are both my children.”
“I know.”
They look at each other for a while, then Raj shakes himself. “Ok. I’m going to go now. I don’t want her to stay away because I’m here. Will you tell her that I’m sorry? That I didn’t mean to scare her?”
“I will tell her. But she knows. You go home, be with your family.”
“You’re my family too.”
“I know. You go now. Will be ok.”
“She can get me on the com. Anytime. I won’t call her. Not because I don’t want to. I just don’t want to push her. But she can get me anytime. Will you tell her?”
“Yes. You go now. My boy. I hurt for you.”
They hug for a moment, then Raj strides off.
When Kolya turns towards the bunks, there are tears streaming down his face.
He sits next to me and rubs his eyes. “This is problem with getting old. You think you are ok, you think you are over these problems. Then your children do the same things. Then your children’s children. You are never so old that the problems of youth go away. But you are more tired. And still not able to fix.” He grabs my shoulder. “You are next, I think. Somebody take your heart, or you don’t want to give it. Some silly thing. So much easier if people let love happen. But no, always they fuck it up. Always too much fear, too much needing to have love tomorrow, forever. And love today never happens. This is why the violin cries: all the love in the world that is wasted.�
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I don’t know what to say, so I shut up.
We sit there in silence for long enough that I start to worry.
“Kolya? Do you think we should go looking for Alya? Make sure that she’s ok?”
“She is hurting. But I think now she is ashamed, too.”
“Ashamed? Of what?”
“Running away. Hurting Raj. Hurting herself. Many things. When she wants to come back, she comes back. She is safe. She is wrong,” he waves a finger right in my face, “but she is safe. Fucking kids.”
“Speaking of which…” Tom is strolling in. I’m surprised. He normally doesn’t turn up until the warning alarm sounds.
He sits next to us, but he’s too wired to stay still.
“What the hell has been going on? We heard shouting from all the way over there.”
Kolya looks disinclined to answer, so I guess it’s up to me. “Alya and Raj had a bit of an argument.”
“A bit of an argument? Sounded like someone was about to get killed.”
“Don’t exaggerate. They had a bit of a tiff, is all.”
“So does that mean Alya’s not staying?”
“I don’t fucking know, do I? And if you have any godsdamn sense you won’t be asking her.”
“Why are you getting angry at me now? What the fuck did I do?”
I hadn’t really thought about it. Now that he asked, I do. “You’re treating this like a sideshow. People are hurting. It’s serious, ok?”
“Ok. Sorry.” But he doesn’t really sound it.
“I guess the whole fucking show knows by now.”
He shrugs. “They know that something happened. It was loud.”
“And people are already making up stories about it.”
“Probably. You know how it is.”
“Yeah, I do. Shitty. That’s how it is.”
It takes me a couple of minutes to calm down enough to realize how much of an asshole I’ve been. No part of this is Tom’s fault. I’m just about to say something to him, to try and apologize, but he shakes his head at me and give me a half smile. I guess we’re ok.
It doesn’t take long for Alya to come back. She looks awful, red-eyed and blotchy-faced, but also very, very pissed off. She strides straight to her ATR staring at the ground, fists bunched up tight. I’m sure she’d ignore the lot of us, but Kolya gets up to intercept her.
