by Robin Banks
“Luke, that was masterful. How did you think of that?”
“Think of what?”
“Of playing your guitar for everybody like you didn’t really mean to.”
“I didn’t really mean to. I was trying to kill time instead of killing you.”
“But that was good!”
“Thank the alcohol. Ok, I’m turning in.”
“There’s hope for you yet.”
“All I’m hoping for is not to do this again in a hurry. You want visitors, you invite them to your place.” He’s still spluttering at me as I get in and seal my door.
I don’t get a hangover in the morning. Neither does Tom. He’s got a headache and a stomachache and he generally feels like shit and wants to die, but he doesn’t have a hangover because those are for weaklings who can’t hold their drink, and that’s that.
I don’t mind. It makes for a quiet morning. After all that mayhem yesterday, that’s precisely what I want. It doesn’t last long, though. Alya charges in, leans herself on the fence with a smile that can only mean trouble’s coming, and chirps sweetly “Good morning, loverboy.”
Tom blushes, which is a major a-ha moment for me. So he really likes that girl. He’s just about to stammer a reply, when Alya cuts in.
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Luke.”
“What? Me?”
“Yup. I just heard everything about your romance. I’m so very hurt that you didn’t tell me anything. I would have been there for you.”
“My what? What in the hell are you on about?”
“You and Meena.
“Meena? Who’s Meena?”
“You know Meena. The dancer. Surly-looking thing. Reads a lot, speaks mostly in monosyllables and grunts.”
Tom elbows me in the ribs. “The quiet girl.”
“Oh yeah. I know her. Kinda.”
“Story goes that you luuuuurve her. That you’re totally smitten. And that she’s is rebuffing you, either because she’s too stuck up or because you’re too much of a peasant – opinions vary on this. But everyone agrees that she’s snubbing you and you can’t think of anything else. Hell, you were so upset by her absence that you left your own party and went out to play sweet music for her even though she couldn’t hear it. It’s so romantic it nearly made me cry. I had no idea.”
“That makes two of us. What is this bullshit? I spoke to her once, she hardly spoke back, and I left the party 'cause I was feeling crowded out.”
“That may well be the case, but the official story is infinitely more interesting, so it’s going to win.”
“I’ll just put people straight, then. Or she can.”
Alya guffaws. That’s never going to work. The more you deny it, the truer it obviously is. You wouldn’t deny it otherwise.”
“That makes fuck-all sense.”
Her smile is so big now that she’s getting dimples. “Welcome to the circus. A roving band of less than eighty people who live, work, play, and often enough sleep together. Gossip here has a life of its own. On the plus side, your life as people describe it will be infinitely more exciting than your real life could ever be.”
“How’s that a plus side? Sounds fucking annoying.”
“Well, there’s no way out, so you better accept it.”
“How did you hear about it?”
“Ava from the café came to the office, allegedly to place her food order. Oh, I urge you to eat at home this week, for the sake of your health. She’s not one of your fans; but that’s another story. Anyway, Ava came with her list and asked me how you were. I told her that I neither knew nor cared, so she obviously felt the need to tell me the whole story. I’m sure I’ll hear it a few more times before the day is out and it’ll get bigger every time. Maybe Meena only came to the circus to be with you, then realized that you’re too poor or too cruel or too gay or something. Maybe you had a brief, secret liaison already and she broke it off. Maybe you broke it off and are now regretting it. The possibilities are virtually endless.”
Tom’s laughing so hard by now he can hardly stand up, but not hard enough to shut him up, unfortunately. “You are so screwed! Or so unscrewed! If they think you’ve got a girl already, who the hell is gonna touch you?”
Alya scoffs. “Are you kidding me? He’s going to be one of the hottest prospects on show. If he’s not got eyes for anyone else but Meena, that makes him much more of a challenge.”
“What?”
“They might not wanna keep him, but they’re sure gonna wanna catch him. Plus with the big blue eyes and the golden curls and the guitar, he’s kinda cute.”
“You think he is cute?”
“Honey, don’t get me wrong. I look at the two of you and I’m always torn between offering you cookies and smacking you with a stick until you wise up or go away. As far as I’m concerned, you’re kids. Damn annoying kids too, most of the time. But yeah, he’s cute.”
I’ve had about enough of this. “Can you stop talking about me like I’m a… A thing?”
“There there, petal. Anyway, worry not; being a romantic figure is only going to make you more interesting. You’re going to be in demand.”
“What about me?” asks Tom.
“What about you?”
“What’s the story about me? Am I a romantic figure?”
“Nah. Not even close. You went and sucked Sonia’s face. Everyone’s been expecting it to happen for ages. Now that it has, nobody gives a damn. Only way your story could get any traction now is if you start fighting, split up, or get her pregnant.” She blinks rapidly. “No, well, there are other options, but I don’t wanna think about them.”
“That’s totally messed up. I genuinely chase a girl for weeks and catch her and nobody cares. He does nothing at all and that’s a story?”
“Welcome to the circus, son. And you,” she frowns at me, “try not to let your heartache crush you. Stay strong. One day she will learn to love you. Or not. But in the meanwhile, everyone’s going to have a good time second-handing your anguish.” And she walks off on us.
I’m seriously pissed off. “This is all kinds of fucked up.”
“Are you kidding me? This is brilliant. For you, anyway.”
“What the hell is brilliant about people spreading lies about me?”
“They’re talking about you. That’s what. They know you exist. They are interested in you. That’s something.”
“That’s a giant pain in the ass, if you ask me. And it’s bound to piss Meena off. All these people talking about her because of how I allegedly feel. I wouldn’t like that at all.”
“She might feel differently. Hell, you might get a pity fuck out of it.”
I nearly gag. “Yeah. ‘cause that’s totally up my street.”
“Man, I’ve given up trying to work out what’s up your street. I just hope something is.”
Just like that, I’m thrown into the limelight. I haven’t done anything to deserve it, I don’t want it, but I can’t seem to avoid it. Tom is too annoyed by the whole thing to mention it, but he’s the only one. Alya won’t stop calling me ‘loverboy’ and making sad faces at me. Kolya sings snippets of presumably romantic songs every time he’s near me. I’d have a better understanding of what he’s on about if he sang in English. Mostly, though, my guys are just using the occasion to poke fun at me. It’s irritating but that’s about it.
The rest of the people on show are more mixed in their responses. Everyone seems to fucking well know and everyone seems to fucking well care, though. There seems to be nothing I can say to convince them that there isn’t and never was anything going on between us. Alya was right. The more I deny it, the bigger the story seems to get.
Alya was right in another respect, too. I used to be able to blend into the background. Nobody seemed to notice me and nobody took an interest. Now that’s changing.
For instance, when we’re waiting outside backstage to hand over the animals, we aren’t left alone to bore our balls off anymore. Girls will co
me out and try and talk to me, or come out just so they can make a point of ignoring me. It’s weird. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what to do, so I do nothing. That doesn’t seem to be discouraging them. I’m left hoping that something more interesting will happen and make them forget all about me.
In the meanwhile, the rumor mill is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Seems that once you’ve been targeted, that’s it. If you do anything it becomes a public story. If you don’t do anything, the story is about what you must be doing in secret. There is zero privacy around here. I didn’t realize it sooner because generally I don’t give a fuck about what most people do. Unless something is likely to affect me, I just don’t pay attention. Even when I see something, half the time it doesn’t register.
I never realized this before, because I’ve never been somewhere where other people didn’t have a serious impact on my life. At home I needed to be switched on. I needed to know what mood the motherfucker was in and which way he was gonna go, and where my mom’s head was at so I could push her in the right direction if necessary. In juvie everyone was a threat. Everyone but Tom. Even people who were friendly could end up fucking you over – maybe not intentionally, but they could. Plus there are a lot of messed up kids in there. A lot of them just haven’t got their shit together. They don’t mean to fuck up, but they do, and their fuck-ups have a way of spreading. Things could go south really easily, so it was really important to be able to anticipate how people were going to react. That was one of the reasons why it was such a big deal when Tom and I found each other. We’re switched on and we’ve got each other’s back. In a place like that, it really matters.
Tom is better than me at dealing with a whole load of stuff. I wonder if that’s why he’s never been as good at reading people as I am. He doesn’t need to see shit coming as much as I do. But he actually enjoys people, so he pays attention regardless. I don’t. Here I’m not a threat to anyone and nobody’s a threat to me. I don’t have anything anyone wants or needs. I’ve got my job and my bunk, my little corner of the world where I only affect three people and only three people affect me. None of them are into any dodgy stuff, so they’re unlikely to bring home any trouble. Life here is like a fucking holiday. So I guess I’ve just switched that part of my brain off. I’ve not been paying attention to anyone much. I assumed nobody much was paying attention to me. I was dead wrong.
Everyone knows about everyone’s business and mine is no exception, even though most of it isn’t even real. I don’t get it, but that’s how it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Tom knew it all along. He’s been involved in both sides of the process. He’s been gossiped about and he’s gossiped. At the moment I’m purely a gossipee. I dislike it so much that I really don’t want to do it to anyone else. Tom reckons there’s no harm in it.
“People like to talk shit, and they like to talk about people. We’re together all the time, so the gossip thing just goes up a notch, I guess.”
“It can’t be nice to have some nasty story spread about you, though.”
“Then don’t do anything that would start a rumor like that.”
“But I didn’t do anything to start this one and it still did. And it’s not going away, and I can’t fix it.”
“One way to fix it.”
“Oh yeah? Then tell me about it, oh wise one. Because fuck-all has worked up to this point.”
“Get it together with Meena. Or anyone else, for that matter.”
“Then they’d just talk about that, wouldn’t they?”
“Have a boring relationship. You won’t really be able to help that, anyway.”
“Thank you!” I snap.
“Shit, man, that’s not what I meant.” He looks genuinely pained now, so something unpleasant must be coming. “You’re just, you know, solid. Like a dog.”
“Huh?”
“You know how Laika is Alya’s dog? I mean, there’s no chance whatsoever of Laika looking for someone else she likes better, or getting fed up and going solo, or anything like that. She’s gonna be Alya’s dog until she dies. You’re like that with people. Some people. Well, with me. You’re solid. I never have to think whether you’re going to be there for me or fuck me over or what. It’s restful.”
“I don’t think that about you either.”
“That’s because you’re a dog. You think there’s only one way to be with people: all the way. If you’re not in all the way, you’re hardly in at all. You’ve got an on-off switch where most people have a dial.”
“I have no idea what the fuck you’re on about.”
“That’s my point. You don’t. So if you are with a girl like you’re with me – no, wait, that came out wrong. I think when you get with a girl you’ll be with her totally. Solidly. There’s no drama in that. Unless you date a bitch. Gods, that would be a disaster.”
“So I’m a dog and I must avoid dating a bitch?”
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“I’m sure this all makes sense in your head, but you’re not helping me.”
“Forget about it. But I swear, the moment you get with a girl none of the gossips will be able to find anything interesting to say about you. And that’s a compliment. Mostly.”
2.
When we move, the gossip follows me. I’d half hoped I was going to lose it on the road, somehow. I guess that was silly on my part. I feel so damn awkward hanging out with Tom’s friends now. Tom has given up telling me that I should enjoy it. Instead, now he keeps telling me that I shouldn’t give a fuck. Maybe he’s right, but I do and I can’t stop just because I want to. I still hang out with them, partly because I promised Tom and partly because there’s nobody else I can hang out with. Alya is still miserable and in hiding and Nicky doesn’t really talk. I want to sort this out. I just don’t know how to do it. In the meanwhile, I’m starting to feel down about it all.
I thought I was being pretty subtle about my feelings. I never could see the point in letting people know that things are getting to you. You do that, you might as well paint a target on yourself. Either I’m not as good a liar as I thought or Alya really needs to get herself psi-tested. I’m just minding my own business, playing my guitar on my steps, when she collars me with her usual grace and gentleness.
“Kid, I swear to any gods you care to pick: if you don’t pick your bottom lip off the floor I will staple it to your forehead.”
“Say what?”
“Last week you were almost unbearably chirpy. We get here and you act like someone’s cutting off your air. You’ve got two options. Number one, you tell me what the fuck is up with you.”
“What’s number two?”
“I make you tell me. Your choice.”
“Harsh.”
“Called for. For the love of all that is holy, what is going on?”
“Nothing, really. It’s silly.”
“You wanna try me?”
“It’s just… When I hang out with Tom’s friends, I feel lonely.” I expect her to laugh in my face, but she doesn’t. She actually looks like she’s taking me seriously.
“I thought they were your friends, too.”
“Yeah, well, kinda. Not really.”
“That’s rough.”
“It’s nothing they’re doing. I mean, they’re not picking on me or anything.” I feel so ridiculous saying that. I’m sounding like a schoolkid.
Alya frowns. “When I first came here I found it really hard to get in. I felt like I was looking at circus life through a window. And my position was a lot better than yours. I was a lot more involved with the show. You’re at the edge of things through circumstances. It may make no difference to someone like Tom, but for people like us…”
“Us?”
She blinks. “Seems to me we’ve got fairly similar socialization styles. As in, we don’t do it much. Or very well. But I could be wrong. Anyway, I think, but I’m not sure, that it may help you feeling more like you’re part of things if you were more invo
lved in the show. The show is the center of everyone’s universe here. Everything revolves around it.”
“I’ve not even seen the show. I’m always fucking working.”
“Have you asked Kolya for some time off?”
“Nah. He’s good enough with letting us go off early if we’ve finished.”
“You do realize that he’s never going to tell you to take time off, right? It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’ll just never occur to him. I can’t remember when he last had a day off that didn’t involve a major illness. You have to ask him.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“That will be so helpful. Nothing quite like thinking about something instead of doing it to really get shit done.”
“Very funny.”
“Seriously, though. If you feel like an outsider here and you want to change that, the show is a good place to start. It can’t hurt, anyway. It’ll give you a common point of reference. The show is the one thing we definitely all have in common.”
I’m not terribly optimistic that watching a show is going to fix my problems, but I guess it’s worth trying. Plus I really enjoyed the show when I saw it that time. It wasn’t the reason I wanted to join, but it was part of it. It seems weird that we’ve been here over a month and we’ve not even seen the show yet. I don’t see how we can, given that we’re supposed to be working during the shows. Alya seems to think it’s possible, though, and there can’t be any harm in asking, so I give it a shot.
“Nicky? Do you think we could watch the show, one day? Not both of us together, I mean. One of us at a time. If it’s ok. We’d be back to do the stable visits.”
“Yes. Sure. I am sorry. I do not think about this. You ask Alya. She covers for you. One day when Jameson is away. When show is busy, but not too busy. So they don’t see you, they don’t tell him.”
“Would they grass us out like that?”
“Some, maybe. They like drama. When is not enough, they make it.”
