by Robin Banks
“Oh. Ok. If you’re sure. I don’t have a clue, really.”
“Not a problem. I do.”
We go backstage. She shows me her weights, then proceeds to whoop my ass and half-kill me in the process. I start out kind of jittery after that brush with Tom. Plus I’ve not done this before, I don’t really know Kelly that well, and I’m kinda intimidated by her. That doesn’t last long. I’m too busy being mortally embarrassed by how much better she is than me. Not only she can manage heavier weights, but her form is much better than mine, and she’s merciless. After the umpteenth time she’s said a stern ‘no’, lowered my weight and told me to start again, I find myself on the floor, giggling my head off. It’s such an odd feeling. I’m sure the bulk of it is just nerves and exhaustion, but I’m genuinely feeling giddy. I’m laughing. An hour ago, I was sure I would never laugh again.
Kelly’s standing over me, looking pretty entertained, too. “If you’re enjoying this, you’re not working hard enough. That’s what my trainer would have said.”
“They were horrible people. So are you.”
“And this makes you happy?”
“It’s just… You’re walking all over me. I suck so much. It’s funny.”
“I’ve been doing this a long time. You don’t mind?”
“Mind what?”
“That I’m correcting you. That I can lift more.”
“Why would I mind?”
“Well, you’re a guy.”
“So?”
“So a lot of guys would mind getting outperformed by a woman.”
“Why?”
She grins. It makes her look just as lethal, but friendly with it. “Pet, if you don’t know, I don’t want to tell you.” She puts out a rock-solid hand to help me up. “So you’re happy to carry on training with me?”
“I don’t know if ‘happy’ is the right word. This hurts. But yeah, if you don’t mind me being useless.”
“Nah. It makes me feel all big and important.”
“Hey, at least I have a purpose.”
As we’re packing up, Tom walks off to wherever the fuck he goes these days. I try not to look at him.
Kelly crosses her arms over her chest, sweaty muscles bulging everywhere, and scowls. “For all it’s worth, I never liked the guy.”
“I did.”
She blushes furiously. “Sorry! I thought you were just friends.”
“What? No, hold on: we were friends. We didn’t… Gods, no! That’d be disgusting!”
Her face shuts down. “Oh. I didn’t realize you felt so strongly against homosexual people.” She turns around and starts to rearrange the weights she’d just arranged perfectly neatly thirty seconds ago.
A bunch of things drop into place in my head about the company Kelly tends to keep and the company she definitely doesn’t keep. Every time I’ve seen her going out, it’s never been with a guy. And she did seem very cuddly with her female friends. I never thought much of it, because I never fucking think. I just let stuff fall out of my mouth instead. Shit.
“No, that’s not it. I didn’t mean it like that. I’ve known Tom since we were kids. We grew up together. It’s not that he’s a guy, is that he was like a brother to me.” I make it to the end of the sentence without choking. That’s something.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” She’s blushing again.
“It is what it is.”
“It seems shitty, whatever it was.”
“I’m sure you’ve heard stories.”
“Just because I heard, it doesn’t mean I listened. Around here, the one thing you can rely on is that any truth in a story will be squeezed right out of it by the third retelling.” She stares into space and her voice gets distant. “So, if you knew someone who was not straight, you would be ok with that?”
“What? I dunno. I might not like if they were trying to fuck me, and I might be sad if I liked them and they weren’t interested. But I guess most people I like won’t be interested anyway, so it doesn’t really matter why. I’ve never really thought about it.”
She whips around to look at me. “For real?”
“Yeah. Seems like a weird thing to think about. Who people wanna fuck is nothing to do with me, is it? Bit like what they like to eat. Not for me to have an opinion on. Different people like different things.”
“You don’t care?”
“Why should I?”
“Shit. You really don’t care, do you?”
“I’m getting confused now. What should I be caring about?”
“Oh, pet. I’m not explaining this either.”
Kelly’s true to her word: we become regular training partners. The way she constantly outperforms me still makes me giggle, but she doesn’t seem to mind. I think she could do with more giggling in her life.
After we move to the last site on Megaera we go right back to training together. That makes me hope that we’re going to stick with it. If anything was going to mess up our habit, a hard move would have done it.
Our friendship hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’m sure there are all kinds of stories going on, though I’m not sure how they interlock with my alleged ongoing threesome. I mean, with the best will in the world, none of our rooms are big enough for that kind of action. Unless we’re supposed to be taking turns. The gossip seems to be helping us, though. The boys are leaving Alya alone. Kelly’s got a few nosey questions about it all, but she has no time for that kind of bullshit and she’s not shy about telling people to fuck off. I’m a bit concerned about her because she has to get on with the rest of the people in the show. She has to work, live, and eat with them. Her life seems so much more difficult than mine: I’m protected by a cocoon of my people and she’s out there on her own. I’m sure she’s able to handle it, but I wish she didn’t have to.
As for me, I’m enjoying my new status as an unstable individual. Looks like nobody’s willing to openly come at me. That doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t be willing to come at me from behind, in the dark, and in a group, but I can’t do much about that other than avoid certain situations. It’s nothing new, really. The only difference is that here and now it’s a specific risk involving specific people, rather than the ambient-level violence I’ve lived with all my life. It makes it easier to deal with.
All in all, things are manageable. I still can’t wait to leave this godsdamned hellhole, though. Way too much crap has happened to me here. I want to haul ass to a new planet, to have a chance to reboot and get the fuck on with our lives, whatever’s left of them. Alya says that some of our sites on Parcae will be warm, too. Not just warmer than here – that wouldn’t be much of an achievement. There’ll be sites where we’ll be able to hang out outside, instead of hiding in our bunks all the damn time. Work isn’t going to hurt as much. Even though everything else will be the same, that by itself sounds heavenly.
One more site, one more week, and we will be off on our ship. That will be great, too. Life on a ship with Kolya and Alya beats life on show hands down, at the moment. I can learn to live with Hugh, or at least teach him to avoid me. I wish we could take Kelly with us, but I can’t see that happening.
I’m so looking forward to getting the hell out of here that I keep forgetting about the reality of our lives – forgetting that this is just a lull in the battle, that we’re surrounded by assholes who mean us harm, and that a change of scenery isn’t going to fix that.
4.
The last move on Megaera is unremarkable. The only unusual thing about it is that, after it’s over, Alya comes up to me and hands me over a piece of paper – actual paper, with ink handwriting on it. Must have cost her a fortune.
“What’s this?”
“You need to open it up and read it.”
“My hands are filthy.”
“Wipe them on your trousers.”
“My trousers are filthy, too.”
She rolls her eyes. “Just open it up and read it. Today, ideally.”
“My reading still sucks, ok? You know that.”
“Then open it up and I’ll read it. Come on; you’re spoiling all my fun.”
The paper folds out. Inside there’s a lot of swirly writing. I can’t even tell what language it’s in.
“Did you make this?”
“Yup. Just for you. Well, one for Kolya, too. It’s written in cursive because it looks pretty and I forgot that most people can’t read that. So it’s my fault if you can’t tell what it says, which is that you’re invited to a party at my house. Well, outside my house. There’s no room for the three of us in there, particularly since you won’t stop growing. Formal occasion. Feel free to bring something over, but you don’t have to.”
“Formal occasion?”
“Yup. Put your nice clothes on, wash your face, maybe go wild and brush your hair.”
“What are we celebrating?”
“That we’re alive. That we’re still moving. Other things, too. You get to pick what you want to be happy about. But a lot of shit’s gone on and the three of us are still here. That ought to count for something. Plus these days I never get the chance to wear anything nice.”
“Are you going to brush your hair, too?”
“It’s a possibility.”
“Better get down to it, then. Looks like it could take a while.”
It’s too cold to sit around outside, as I amply demonstrated, so they set the table up in the stables. It’s not a conventionally formal setting, but it’s warm, quiet, and comforting. Animal noises and smells are the background of our lives, anyway. I’d find it more disturbing if they suddenly went away.
The two of them hog the ‘fresher for so long that by the time I get ready and get there they’re already sitting down. Alya’s in that red dress that swishes, though she’s got her coat over it. Kolya has his good shirt on and keeps worrying at the collar. We’re all looking pretty snazzy. I wouldn’t care if we were covered in rags and shit: it’s nice to take the time to be together. It’s probably the mellowest party I ever attended. None of us seems to have much to say, but I like that. It’s peaceful.
We’re getting through the second course when the stable door opens. I know who it is before I see him. It had to be him. We were having a great time and nobody else could spoil it half as comprehensively. He’s not wobbling and he’s managing not to look like a venomous psycho, which suggests that he’s sober, or sober enough.
Alya turned when she heard the door open. Sean smiles straight at her, ignoring us two guys. “You look comfy back there.”
She nods. “We are comfy. Thank you.”
“Is this a standard way for you to use our facilities.”
“It would probably not be in the manual. If we had one. Which we don’t. Would you like me to write one?”
“I’m not sure Mr. Parker would approve.”
“I’m sure there is a lot he wouldn’t approve of, if he heard about it.”
They smile at each other as if they were exchanging social pleasantries, rather than veiled threats. Then his face and voice soften.
“I’ve missed you, Alya. I’ve miss you so much.” He sounds bereft. “I remember you in that dress. I remember where you got it. I remember everything about you.”
Alya takes a big breath. “I remember, too. I remember being scared to wear it, because every time I did something awful would happen. I thought it was cursed. Then I realized that bad things happened every time we were together.”
“Things could be different.”
“They already are.”
“Just think about it, ok?” And he walks out.
Alya blinks a few time then shakes herself off. “What the fuck just happened?”
I shrug. “Two options. A genuine attempt at reconnecting on the part of a guy who fucked up but still loves you. Or an underhanded attempt by a truly evil guy to fuck with your head.”
“Some men, they make me wish for less rules,” growls Kolya.
Alya pats his hand. “You only ever play by your own rules, anyway.”
“Yes. But they are strict.”
We finish the rest of the meal, but the mood is shot. We clear up and settle the animals together, and then we head to our beds. Alya starts shivering as soon as the cold air hits her, so Kolya wraps one of his paws around her shoulders. They don’t see him until it’s too late.
“So this is how it is.” Sean’s voice slithers out of the shadows next to Alya’s ATR. I can’t tell if he’s drunk or sober now, but he’s definitely pissed off. “Everyone kept saying it, but I didn’t believe it. I had to see it with my own eyes.”
Before Alya has a chance to reply, Kolya walks on, pushing her along. When they get to his bunk, he lifts her up to the top step and closes the door behind her as soon as she’s inside. He wheels around to face Sean with narrowed eyes and bunched fists, until Sean giggles and wonders off.
“That man,” growls Kolya, “he makes me think bad things. I am not a good person.”
“You’re the best person I know.” It comes out of my mouth before I have a chance to think about it, but it’s true.
“You are kind.”
“No, I’m not. I’m an asshole. Are you going to keep her in there?”
“For tonight, maybe. I would feel better.”
“Me too.”
I keep an eye out through my window until the lights go off, but I don’t see Sean around. I’m sure he’s gone. I’m sure it’s over – for tonight, anyway. It still takes me ages to get to sleep.
I was braced for some kind of disaster, but nothing happens overnight. Nothing happens in the morning, either. When we get to lunch, still nothing. The afternoon and evening go without a hitch. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe Sean has finally accepted that Alya can’t be cajoled, bullied, or wooed, and he’s going to leave all of us alone.
Maybe I’ll get a com saying that there was a mix-up at the med bay and my long-lost, loving first-class family waits for me with open arms and wallets.
All the same, after a day of jumping at the slightest noise and peering into shadows, I’m starting to relax. I can’t let myself get wound up over nothing. It’s too tiring and too distracting. It could put me in danger.
It’s nowhere near curfew time, but I’m thinking of turning in to make up for some of the sleep I lost when I hear a distant commotion, shouting turning into screaming and wailing. I wonder whether I should go and check it out, but it sounds like it’s coming from the show end of the site, so it’s probably none of my business. A few minutes later, my bunk door opens and Kelly and Kolya crash through it.
Kolya falls straight to the floor. His face is all fucked up: there’s blood everywhere and one of his eyes is swollen shut. I can see the bone through a gash in his forehead.
“What the fuck?”
“The boys did it,” roars Kelly. “They were bothering me, he went to talk to them, next thing I know he’s on the ground and they’re using his face like a football. I couldn’t stop them. There were too many. I’m sorry.”
“You stay here. I’ll go get help.” I run to Alya’s ATR and when she opens the door I just grab her and pull her with me. “Kolya. Hurt bad.”
When she sees him the color drains from her face. For a moment I think she might pass out, but she rallies. “Ok. Help me get him in my ATR. I’ll take him to med bay. Quickly!”
“You don’t want to do some first aid?”
“I can’t do both, and he needs a medic, and fast. That eye looks bad.”
We manage to get him into the back of her ATR. Alya rips cables and hoses off the side of it and jumps in the front. She yells at us out of her window. “Look after this place. And each other.” And they’re off.
Kelly seems completely lost. “What the hell do we do now?”
“You heard her. I have to look after the animals. Do you want me to walk you back to your bunk?”
“I don’t want to be there on my own.”
“You want to stay in my bunk?”
“Not really. I don’t know what I want.” She was angry
until now, but she’s starting to unravel. “I’m not crying.”
“I know. It’s just your eyes. How about this: I grab blankets and pillows and stuff, and we go to the stables. I’ve got to go there anyway.”
“You want to sleep there?”
“Why not? It’s warm enough. And they can’t cut our air there.”
She starts to shake. “Cut our air?”
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll be safe there. As safe as anywhere else, anyway. I can always set the dogs on them.”
“Would that work?”
“Almost definitely not, but they don’t know that. Come on.”
I grab whatever bedding I’ve got in my bunk, which isn’t much. Kelly follows me around like a puppy. That’s a bad sign. I need to get her somewhere safe and quiet before she comes apart.
I make us two nests in the hay. “It may be a bit itchy, but it’s warm and dry. I’ve got stuff to do. The door is shut. Yell if you need me. Ok?”
“You don’t need a hand?”
“I’m too wound up to explain stuff right now. Easiest if I just do it.”
“Ok. If you’re sure.”
I leave her to it. I can keep an eye out in case she needs me, but I’m sure she wouldn’t enjoy having a good cry in front of me, or anyone else for that matter, and all that adrenaline has gotta go somewhere.
I keep myself busy until she’s finished shaking and has wiped off her tears. When I get into my nest, her face is still a bit blotchy, but she seems to be mostly back to normal. She’s so damn tough.
“You wanna talk about it?”
She takes a deep breath. “Some of the boys were bothering me a bit. I think they were trying to scare me, but they were mostly obnoxious. Kolya saw them and came over to talk to them. He wasn’t rude or pushy or anything, just trying to talk some sense into them. Next thing I knew, one hit him upside the head with a chair. Kolya went down and then they all started kicking him. I tried to get them off him, but there were just too many. They didn’t stop until people turned up and started screaming.”
