by Robin Banks
“Thank you? I’m just glad Sean has no idea. He’d love it if he knew, sick fuck that he is.”
“You know that that Alya was a total fool, right?”
“No, I don’t. I’ve never met her. But from what I hear about her, she did what she wanted and she had fun in the process. And she looked after herself.”
“And I don’t.”
“And you don’t. Not now, anyway. It’s like at some point you got lost or something. Now you’re keeping yourself stuck in this mess just to make a point. In all honesty I kinda hate you for that, but it’s your call.”
“Why the fuck are you still here, anyway?”
“I actually give a fuck about you. Don’t take it personal: you’re all I’ve got. If walking away meant that you’d come with, then I would, but it doesn’t, and leaving you in here like this… I couldn’t live with myself. And it’s not half as bad for me as it is for you. Worst part of this is watching you in it. I’m easy. They don’t scare me worse than a ton of other people. If I’m going to live a horrible life or die a horrible death I’d rather it was here with you than somewhere else on my own. Though not a day passes that I don’t regret not staying with Kolya. We could have all gone off to Pollux. I’m going to go there, one day. When I’m older. If I get out of here. I’m going to sit at his feet and listen to him play while the children dance.”
“So I’m keeping you here?”
“No. I’m keeping myself here. For now. It’s not so bad, really, apart from the bad people and chances of death and stuff. But hey, you get that sort of thing anywhere. People like me do, anyway. And here I get paid to put up with it. I still fucking hope you’ll quit.”
“And do what?”
“Anything else. Shit, I can think of a lot of worse places for me, but for you? Not so much. You could do anything.”
“Maybe you think that. I don’t.”
“Ok then. Name me something you’d like less than being here, with that guy controlling your air, your food, your sleep, everything.”
“You said that someone’s always going to be doing that, so there’s no point in worrying about it.”
“You said that it’s important to negotiate the terms. So we were both right. Who cares? I just want to fix this.”
“I’m not letting him chase me off.”
“So don’t. Walk away instead. What are you afraid of?”
“Fuck you.”
For a moment I have no idea what I’ve just said that’s made her furious, and then it hits me. “This is it? This is what it’s all about? You’re staying because you’re afraid of being afraid of him? You’re more afraid of being afraid than you are of him? Gods. If that’s the case, that is the most upside-down thing I’ve ever heard.”
“It’s easy for you to say. You never get scared.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“All this shit has been going on and all it’s done is made you bigger and stronger. Maybe meaner, too.”
“Nah. I was always mean. I’m not built to fight fair.”
“See? You get more lethal every day. Meanwhile I’m barely managing to stop pissing myself. And you dare to talk to me about being afraid? What the fuck do you know about that?”
“What the fuck… I’m scared. All the time. Of course I fucking well am. I’d have to be completely clueless not to be. Way things are going, me or you or both or somebody is gonna die here. The day that doesn’t scare me I’ll get myself locked up for my own safety. Or kill myself.”
“You are going around whacking people on the head with shovels…”
I cut her off. “I hit one guy once with one shovel. And he was molesting you. Don’t talk about it like it’s my fucking hobby.”
“Whatever. That’s what you call being scared?”
“Yeah. Of course I do. Do you really think I’d have whacked him if I wasn’t scared of him? I needed to stop him and stop him good, stop him so he wouldn’t come back. For a while, anyway. Guy could punch me into next week, and he’s got friends.”
Something I’ve said must have made a dent in her anger, because it’s starting to look like she can actually hear me now. So I carry on.
“I’m scared. Of course I am: they’ve got us cornered. So I gotta fight harder, I gotta think ahead. I gotta think of what I need to do to stop them coming at us. But that’s only stalling them. That guy I whacked, he wasn’t gonna bother you again on his own, but he could come at you or me with his friends. That’d be messed up. Only chance then would be to make each of them so scared of going first that they all end up holding back, all waiting for someone else to make the first move, so nobody moves at all. But I’m not banking on that. I know what Tom and I would do. We’d come hard and fast and out of fucking nowhere and together. We wouldn’t give them a chance to see us coming, never mind fight back.”
Saying his name makes the talons twist in my chest, but the fear of what’s coming dulls the pain enough that I can carry on talking. “I don’t think they’re ever going to leave us alone. Ever. I think they’re gonna keep coming at us until we break. I’m not fighting to win. We lost when we started playing. It’s not our fault either: we were outgunned from the get-go. I’m fighting because I don’t want to die, I don’t want you to die, I don’t want us to get hurt. So yeah, I’m fucking scared. I’m scared of how far this is gonna have to go before we give it up. But I’m not scared of being scared. You are. So you’re lying to yourself, to me, and to everyone else, and those lies are pushing you into making terrible decisions. You’re my friend and I love you but you gotta quit this. Ideally before it kills you. Or me. Neither of us can take a beating like Kolya. And for you it wouldn’t be just a beating. Maybe it wouldn’t for me, either. Probably. I pissed them off enough for that. That’d teach me.”
When she works out what I’m talking about, her face blanches. “How can you even say stuff like that?”
“What are you on about?”
“You’re talking about… about that as if it didn’t bother you.”
“Bother me? It doesn’t. It terrifies me. But it’s true. I ain’t gonna run away from what’s true. Turning your back to reality is about as unsafe as it gets. It always catches up with you. You wanna see it coming. Look at it hard and straight and you may have a chance. Look away from it and you’re screwed for sure. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m not scared of being scared. I’ve been scared all my life. I’m used to it. You treat it like it’s something weird and terrible. Gods, you’d have to be so clueless or so broken not to be scared of this. You ought to be scared of that, if anything: of being the kind of person who doesn’t realize what she’s dealing with, or just doesn’t care. I’ve met both types. They don’t do well.”
“So what do you want me to do? Admit that he terrifies me?”
“That’d be a start. At least then you could be honest about everything else. Though I don’t get it.”
“What? You’ve seen what he’s capable of.”
“I know what he’s not capable of, too. He can’t wreck my life twice.”
She scoffs. “He’s done it to me pretty damn well.”
“No. He’s wrecked three of your lives once. It’s different. Totally different. Look, he’s got me beat. Everything I had here, everything this place meant for me and everything I wanted it to mean, he’s taken it and wrecked it. That’s it. It’s gone. All he can do now is beat me, rape me, or kill me. Or you. But there are costs to that. I hope they’re high enough to put him off. I sure as fuck wouldn’t walk into a med bay and tell them that I fell backwards and stuck my ass on a pole. I’d get back at them with everything I’ve got. If I go down, when I go down, I’ll hurt them as badly as I can in the process. And that may be enough to keep them from me for a while, or even forever, but this isn’t the life I want. He’s taken that. He’s left me with nothing to lose. He didn’t realize who he was dealing with.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re all tigers and lions. You fight to w
in. I fight to stay alive. The less I’ve got to lose, the harder and dirtier I can fight. Rules help you keep what you’ve got. When you’ve got nothing, who the fuck cares about them? I’m not scared of being scared and I don’t understand why you are. Scared just means you fight harder.”
“I’m scared because I don’t think I can’t win this.”
“So what? I never thought I could win. This or anything else. Not forever, anyway. Whatever you have, whoever you are, there’s always someone out there stronger or smarter or just more willing to do evil than you. Everything can be lost. No – everything will be lost. At some point. Everything ends. Worrying about that just sucks the joy out of living. I’m going to enjoy what I’ve got. If I lose it, when I lose, I’m gonna make sure I come out of it as well as I can, so I can go on and start again. And if I’m not gonna come out of it, I’m gonna deal as much damage as I can on the way out, because fuck them all. This shit should cost them. I’m a loser. I’m good at it. What’s there to be scared of? Am I missing something?”
Alya blinks repeatedly. “Almost certainly. But it’s alright. Ok, so we go. What about the animals?”
“He’ll have to hire someone else to take care of them.”
“Who do you know who could?”
“I couldn’t. Then I learnt. We could train somebody up if you gave them notice, but I wouldn’t do that. With a guy like that, you wanna be away and safe before he realizes that you’re even thinking about that.”
“So the animals suffer.”
“They’re suffering now. It’s only gonna get worse and you can’t fix this. I’m pretty sure Parker had no idea what he was getting himself into. He’d probably sell them if anyone offered him what he paid for them.”
“Hell, with the insurance on them they’re probably worth more to him dead than alive.”
“Shit. If that’s what he’s angling for, that would explain a lot of the decisions he’s making.”
“Nah. They’re worth nothing to him if they die of neglect or natural causes. They’d have to get stolen or blow up or something.”
“Let’s do that, then.”
“Let’s do what?”
“Steal them or blow them up. Well, not really. Make him think they blew up. Steal them. If he doesn’t want them, which he doesn’t, he’s unlikely to look that hard for them. He’ll take his payoff and run.”
“Steal them and take them where? How?”
“There’s got to be a way. There’s always a way to steal stuff.”
“Sure. All we need is a ship and a planet to land on. Apart from that, we’re fine.”
“Can we steal this ship? For real, this time?”
“They’d just track us to wherever we land. We’d still need to get another ship to get away.”
“What about Kolya?”
She blinks a few times. “You’re serious about this. You really are.”
“Hell yeah. You got a better ideas”
“No. But this is not an idea. It’s ridiculous. Who steals half a zoo?”
“We do. Weren’t you paying attention? Nobody will see it coming, because it is ridiculous, and with a bit of luck nobody will ever think we did it. Blame it on pirates.”
“Pirates? Stealing dogs and tigers?”
“Do pirates normally ask for an inventory before attacking a ship?”
“I guess not.”
“Everything’s worth something to somebody somewhere, and anything is better than nothing. Tigers may be hard to sell, but meat’s meat.”
“You really are serious about this.”
“Yes! How many times do I have to tell you?”
“I… Well… Ok. So we steal the animals. We get a ship somehow, then take them where?”
“First problem first. Who do we know who’s got a ship?”
“Other circuses. They wouldn’t touch us. Too scared to start a feud, too easy to trace.”
“What about Kolya?”
“He doesn’t have a ship.”
“But he knows people who do, right?”
“Yeah. And he’d help us out. But he doesn’t have anywhere to park and keep a bunch of animals.”
“Could we split them up?”
“The farm animals, sure. And the dogs. But what about the tigers?”
“Can we worry about that later?”
“Tigers aren’t a minor detail.”
“No, but giving up saving ourselves and everything else for the sake of four tigers is a bit silly. We may not get our hearts’ true wish, but at least we can get something, right?”
“There’s got to be a way. Who in the hell would want four fucking tigers, though? Or one, really.”
“Showmen, a zoo, some rich bastard who wants to show off.”
“Oh, shit.” Her face crumples up.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing my ass. You just had an idea.”
“A terrible idea.”
“Because it wouldn’t work?”
“Because it might. Anteia.”
“What about it?”
“Anteia is full of rich bastards who want to show off. And we could get there.”
“How?”
“Raj. Raj would come get them, if we asked him. Kolya could get us from there, pick up whatever we’ve not found a home for. But I bet we could find homes for most of the animals there, and Anteia isn’t Fed. Even if it all came out, nobody would start an international incident for the sake of a bunch of show animals. Parker’s lot would not fuck with the Anteians. Nobody sensible does. They don’t take prisoners. Literally.”
“But they all seem so nice!”
“Yes. They can afford to be. They pack big guns.”
“Oh. Alright then. There’s a slight catch, though.”
“Isn’t there just.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve spoken to him since…”
She cuts me off. “No. He’s sent me a few messages over the com.”
“Oh.”
“A few dozens, actually.”
I go “Oh,” again. I don’t know what else to say.
“I haven’t opened them. Shitting hellfire. I have to do this, haven’t I?”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. I have to try. He might be furious at me, hate me even, but I’m willing to bet he doesn’t hate Kolya. He has no reason to. He’d do it for him. Either way, I have to ask. I have to try it. You’ve been at me about being a coward. Time to put up or shut up.”
“I haven’t!”
“You have. Well, I’m not a big enough coward to let this chance slip. Or maybe I’m scared I won’t be able to live with myself. Or of carrying on like this. I mean, if you had to add all my fears together they may cancel each other out. But me and you, we can just walk out of here. The animals can’t. I don’t have the right to let my fear affect them.”
“Remind me to think twice next time before saying anything to you. Anything about anything.”
“If we pull through this, I will.”
“Ok then. We’re really going for this?”
“We’re gonna try. Raj may tell me to fuck off. Then we’ll be exactly where we started. I might have to cry for a couple of days, but aside from that it’ll be business as usual.”
“What if he says yes? What about us?”
“I guess we’ll be reported as kidnapped or dead.”
“So we’re going to have to be fugitives? Only reason I’m here is that I didn’t want to do that.”
“Not necessarily. We could turn up at a Patrol outpost having bravely escaped our captors. I’m ex Patrol. If they didn’t believe me, they’d probably still pretend to. There are ways.”
“Ok then. When are you going to go for it?”
“Now. Before I have a chance to think about it. I have to check what the time is over there, but I can send him a message. Whether he wants to open it or not, that’s a different issue. There’ll be a time delay, too. Minutes rather than hours, from here. Long enough
to be a nuisance. Shit.” She covers her face with her hands.
“You don’t have to do this.”
“Come up with a better idea while I set up the com and I’ll be glad to consider it.”
“Ok. Let me think.”
We walk over to the bridge. I’m racking my brains, but it’s no use.
“Sorry. I’ve got nothing.”
“Alright. Let’s do this.” She gets up and walks over to a monitor. “Time in Anteia is… Middle of the godsdamned night. He’ll be in bed.” She blinks. “They’ll be in bed. Ok. He can pick it up tomorrow. Or she can. Or they won’t. But we won’t know anything for at least six hours.”
“Yay. I love suspense.”
“Yeah. It’s just super. Our lives would be so boring otherwise. Ok. I need to prepare a speech.”
“You shitting me?”
“No. Partly I don’t want to babble incoherently, partly I don’t want to fuck shit up for Raj. Seriously, it could be his…” she stammers,” wife picking up his com. Or listening in, anyway. I don’t have the right to complicate his life.”
“That’s mighty generous of you.”
“I’m the one who dumped him and left. Gods, that feels like years ago. Shitty years. So. What do we say?”
“‘Raj, we’re in the shit, the animals are in trouble, and we need your help if you can spare it’?”
“Not even a ‘hi, how are you’?”
“I’m not sure it’d help any at this point. I mean, this is what it is. Let’s not try to dress it up.”
“Ok then. Can you stand with me?”
“If you want me to.”
“Yes. Makes it look less personal.”
“And that’s good?”
“Under the circumstances, I think so. You don’t?”
“Honestly, at this point I have no idea. I don’t have a script for this.”
“Kid, if you had a script for asking the man whose heart you broke, who then broke yours, to come kidnap you and half a zoo, I’d worry about you.”
We do the recording, awkward as hell, and we settle down for a long wait. The animals won’t need doing for a few hours yet.
This has got to be a whole new level of suck, sitting here too wired and tired to rest or do anything. I know it makes no logical sense, because fretting is pointless. The best that can happen is Raj saving our sorry asses. If that doesn’t happen we’ll be precisely where we are right now. I can’t think of a third option. We’re gonna know one way or the other soon enough. Or not.
